One of my core issues with the qualifier was his impulsivity. He reacted constantly. He was barely able to contain his emotions
There is a long list of things he did that brought chaos to my life:
1) Quit jobs
2) Lost jobs
3) spent money (lots of it)
4) Had car accidents (I lost count)
5) Stormed out and did not come out for days
6) started projects on the apartment bever finished them
7) made promises he did not keep
The list is long
I am at a point in a long process where I can make some changes in my life. I got to the point after a lot of planning and step by step negotiable actions. Waiting on some of those actions to come through has been beyond hard.
I have my own share of impulsivity which I have had to address. That impulsivity has cost me certain friendships that were very dear to me. It cost me emotionally and was a huge issue financially.
I am having to address that one reason I tolerated impulsivity in the qualifier was that I had my own share of impulsivity
The price for that behavior was very very high
I know people who are dysregulated who lash out at others and will not acknowledge it. When they get dysregulated they don't even know it because it is such a familiar state. Then when someone sets limits with them the gloves come off.
Dysregulation seems to be a chronic habit with them that does not feel uncomfortable.
I go out of my way to avoid such people. I go out of my way to not engage with them. That is not because I am above dysregulation. I am just not willing to take the brunt for other people's dysregulation any more
I do not believe it is judgment. It is self preservation. Self preservation is not something I had before now
Self preservation is the nucleus of having a secure base.
My own impulsivity had to be examined and grieved. That is an onerous task
Just because I have been impulsive in the past does not mean I have to bear the brunt for other people's impulsivity. In view those who are impulsive who act out, who lash out as completely untrustworthy and irresponsible to the max. That was and still is the qualifier.
Maresie
DavidG said
May 17, 2021
Great share Maresie. On term I see often- around the topic of trauma- is Grrrrr!!! -impulse control-
Not a pretty or dainty couple of words. I saw it heaps in the life of my A. Because my A. was my AF
I picked up a fair few of the traits, myself.... I have a lot more to say about this, ma'am. But good
to pick it up "around the traps". Where it is relevant. And where stuff can be done about it. ...
Maresie888 said
May 17, 2021
David
I think what I am also having to address is that many people (but not all) who abuse substances are impulsive.
The irony is of course that as I increase my #window of tolerance# of what I need to address that my tolerance for bad behavior is less. I was such a people pleaser that I wanted to be liked more than I liked myself
Maresie
Debb said
May 18, 2021
Thank you Maresie for your share!
I learned that my level of tolerance has definitely changed since I began Al-Anon.
What I had to deal with, that was difficult was the verbal onslaught that was characterized by the
Dr. Jekkyl/Mr. Hyde syndrome. Learning to navigate through and around those times were my
challenge in order to regain my self esteem and serenity.
One of my core issues with the qualifier was his impulsivity. He reacted constantly. He was barely able to contain his emotions
There is a long list of things he did that brought chaos to my life:
1) Quit jobs
2) Lost jobs
3) spent money (lots of it)
4) Had car accidents (I lost count)
5) Stormed out and did not come out for days
6) started projects on the apartment bever finished them
7) made promises he did not keep
The list is long
I am at a point in a long process where I can make some changes in my life. I got to the point after a lot of planning and step by step negotiable actions. Waiting on some of those actions to come through has been beyond hard.
I have my own share of impulsivity which I have had to address. That impulsivity has cost me certain friendships that were very dear to me. It cost me emotionally and was a huge issue financially.
I am having to address that one reason I tolerated impulsivity in the qualifier was that I had my own share of impulsivity
The price for that behavior was very very high
I know people who are dysregulated who lash out at others and will not acknowledge it. When they get dysregulated they don't even know it because it is such a familiar state. Then when someone sets limits with them the gloves come off.
Dysregulation seems to be a chronic habit with them that does not feel uncomfortable.
I go out of my way to avoid such people. I go out of my way to not engage with them. That is not because I am above dysregulation. I am just not willing to take the brunt for other people's dysregulation any more
I do not believe it is judgment. It is self preservation. Self preservation is not something I had before now
Self preservation is the nucleus of having a secure base.
My own impulsivity had to be examined and grieved. That is an onerous task
Just because I have been impulsive in the past does not mean I have to bear the brunt for other people's impulsivity. In view those who are impulsive who act out, who lash out as completely untrustworthy and irresponsible to the max. That was and still is the qualifier.
Maresie
Not a pretty or dainty couple of words. I saw it heaps in the life of my A. Because my A. was my AF
I picked up a fair few of the traits, myself.
... I have a lot more to say about this, ma'am. But good
to pick it up "around the traps". Where it is relevant. And where stuff can be done about it.
...
David
I think what I am also having to address is that many people (but not all) who abuse substances are impulsive.
The irony is of course that as I increase my #window of tolerance# of what I need to address that my tolerance for bad behavior is less. I was such a people pleaser that I wanted to be liked more than I liked myself
Maresie
I learned that my level of tolerance has definitely changed since I began Al-Anon.
What I had to deal with, that was difficult was the verbal onslaught that was characterized by the
Dr. Jekkyl/Mr. Hyde syndrome. Learning to navigate through and around those times were my
challenge in order to regain my self esteem and serenity.