One of my core automatic self destructive patterns was envy
My reaction to much of life was to envy others. In particular I most certainly envied the Qualifier. Since they were in a place of numbing themselves I certainly envied their lack of pain. Of course since they took substances they were merely shutting the pain out. There is no doubt under those substances there is immense pain.
Everyone around me was part of this practice of intense envy.
In the past few months I have worked religiously on not comparing my life to others. I have recognized that my feelings or rather projections about other people's lives are projections.
The practice of not comparing myself to others is very beneficial. I give then the benefit of waiting. I give then the room to be who they are rather than what I think they should be. That is a very new practice for me.
I am of course lucky enough to have people around me who will discuss boundaries and correct assumptions
I did not have that before. I had no room for such relationships.
My relationships did not involve that
I am of course on some level missing feeling aggrieved.
Then I meet someone like a person I came across yesterday who felt they were an expert on vaccination. They felt they knew how many people had been vaccinated.
One of the places I have worked recently has been a large vaccination center where thousands of people are vaccinated daily. (Part of the Joy's of being an essential worker having to work daily) . Rather than feel the need t ok persuade them otherwise I did not challenge their expertise.
These new practices for me are very innovative. My therapist is very helpful in learning how to let go.
One of my basic practices is to meditate. I had a meditation teacher (a couple) I spent many years going to their workshops. I never really felt I measured up. One of the couple died 5 years ago. The woman who is a dear kind person recently shared how very loved she felt in that marriage. Normally that kind of comment would result in intense envy for me. I have most certainly never felt really loved and cared for in a relationship. Instead I can acknowledge that they must certainly had a very loving relationship.
For me this ability to have emotional space between myself and others has been tremendously helpful
The decision to do that was made put of great pain. I could not imagine that it would bring much benefit but it has.
My life remains challenging. I have many many challenges. Some of my goals have tremendous barriers
I may not be able to transcend those barriers.
Nevertheless I am still committed
I am interested to hear how other people have dealt with the envy issue. Character defects are in a whole class of their own
Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Saturday 15th of May 2021 06:12:23 AM
Debb said
May 15, 2021
Maresie, envy can be very destructive because it can block my learning, loving and ability to enjoy my life!
I think that we all have our moments of envy, which is natural, but in order for me to grow as a person, gratitude
is the key. So spending time with grateful people, being grateful myself and being of service has been how, over
the past several years, I have conquered the jealously issue.
SunnyFrogs said
May 15, 2021
Good topic Maresie.
I don't think I've ever really envied others. I mean,of course there's been times I've been jealous because AH has been looking at some hot younger woman. But as far as being envious,that's not really something I've been or done.
I have always wished for things,wish I had a car or house like someone else has. Wish I had as much peace and serenity as others here seem to have,etc. But I'm always genuinely happy for others when they are successful.
As a child I had many wishes too,wished I had good parents,wished I was loved and all that. But I wasn't envious of other kids. I believed I wasn't worthy of anything they had.
I wish I didn't have to deal with A's but I don't envy anyone who doesn't, I'm happy for them that they don't have to.
I want so many different things for myself and want to make so many changes in my life. I just want to be the best "me' I can be so for me envying anyone else is pointless because they're not me. If that makes sense.
My sister on the other hand, envy has always ruled her life. So much so that she will do her best to sabotage things for others. Instead of being happy if someone lands a good job she will make anonymous phone calls and tell lies to get them fired,things like that. Her jealousy of everyone is one of the main reasons I cut her out of my life. She would say and do such horrible things to me and then later not apologize but instead admit she was just jealous,as if that made it understandable and ok.
I'm not sure how she and I turned out so differently but I do see how being envious can really make things difficult for those that struggle with it. I don't believe it's a chosen way to be but instead something deeply rooted in childhood. Just the same as me not feeling I was worthy in childhood has lasting effects for me now.
It sounds like you're very self aware and are making much progress.
Maresie888 said
May 15, 2021
Maresie888
I have tended to find myself around people who envy me.
I had not really thought of that
My.qualifier sabotaged me in every way possible
He was intensely envious of my recovery commitment.
I do not think he ever made any effort to recover
My.elder sister is also intensely envious. In fact as children we were set up yo be intensely envious of each other. Playing loff people against each other was the bible
I am so grateful to have the space to reflect on these issues
My friend who had the very loving husband is a wonderful warm.generous person. Even of you were in that category in my life I still used to envy peope
I believe the action of being willing to address this issue means I have hope. I have gone from hopeless to feeling blessed yo being hopeful
Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Saturday 15th of May 2021 06:12:23 AM
SunnyFrogs said
May 15, 2021
We all carry our own unique "stuff' that we deal with. I may not deal with envy but I definitely have issues I'm working on.
I was reading how we subconsciously seek out those that recreate our upbringing as a way to try and master it.
We can't change what we don't acknowledge, they say. So of course there's hope when we do.
Maresie888 said
May 15, 2021
I don't think it is so much recreate. We live in a very dysfunctional world
I certainly thought Inhad the corner on dysfunctionality
I didn't
There are plenty of them. Every place I have ever worked has been dysfunctional. Every place I have lived has dysfunctionality
My life is no longer one crisis to the next but I have plenty to.keep me busy
I am no longer focused on what members of my immediate family do. I had to work hard on.detachment to get there
I am however focused day in day out on moving beyond certain issues.
I am deeply committed to that
Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Saturday 15th of May 2021 06:12:23 AM
SunnyFrogs said
May 15, 2021
I spent my entire childhood and much of my adulthood trying so hard to get past that wall my mom has always had around her. Hers was a concrete wall and as a child I believed if I could climb over,around or under there would be love on the other side.
It's not a coincidence that I ended up married to someone that's emotionally unavailable. I've been recreating that same scenario and hurting myself in that way.
So for me personally I do believe what I read is true,that I subconsciously sought my AH out.
And yes,there's dysfunction everywhere in the world. But I honestly believe as I work on myself and my issues I will start attracting healthier people into my life and hopefully stop subconsciously being drawn to dysfunction.
One of my core automatic self destructive patterns was envy
My reaction to much of life was to envy others. In particular I most certainly envied the Qualifier. Since they were in a place of numbing themselves I certainly envied their lack of pain. Of course since they took substances they were merely shutting the pain out. There is no doubt under those substances there is immense pain.
Everyone around me was part of this practice of intense envy.
In the past few months I have worked religiously on not comparing my life to others. I have recognized that my feelings or rather projections about other people's lives are projections.
The practice of not comparing myself to others is very beneficial. I give then the benefit of waiting. I give then the room to be who they are rather than what I think they should be. That is a very new practice for me.
I am of course lucky enough to have people around me who will discuss boundaries and correct assumptions
I did not have that before. I had no room for such relationships.
My relationships did not involve that
I am of course on some level missing feeling aggrieved.
Then I meet someone like a person I came across yesterday who felt they were an expert on vaccination. They felt they knew how many people had been vaccinated.
One of the places I have worked recently has been a large vaccination center where thousands of people are vaccinated daily. (Part of the Joy's of being an essential worker having to work daily) . Rather than feel the need t ok persuade them otherwise I did not challenge their expertise.
These new practices for me are very innovative. My therapist is very helpful in learning how to let go.
One of my basic practices is to meditate. I had a meditation teacher (a couple) I spent many years going to their workshops. I never really felt I measured up. One of the couple died 5 years ago. The woman who is a dear kind person recently shared how very loved she felt in that marriage. Normally that kind of comment would result in intense envy for me. I have most certainly never felt really loved and cared for in a relationship. Instead I can acknowledge that they must certainly had a very loving relationship.
For me this ability to have emotional space between myself and others has been tremendously helpful
The decision to do that was made put of great pain. I could not imagine that it would bring much benefit but it has.
My life remains challenging. I have many many challenges. Some of my goals have tremendous barriers
I may not be able to transcend those barriers.
Nevertheless I am still committed
I am interested to hear how other people have dealt with the envy issue. Character defects are in a whole class of their own
Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Saturday 15th of May 2021 06:12:23 AM
I think that we all have our moments of envy, which is natural, but in order for me to grow as a person, gratitude
is the key. So spending time with grateful people, being grateful myself and being of service has been how, over
the past several years, I have conquered the jealously issue.
Good topic Maresie.
I don't think I've ever really envied others. I mean,of course there's been times I've been jealous because AH has been looking at some hot younger woman. But as far as being envious,that's not really something I've been or done.
I have always wished for things,wish I had a car or house like someone else has. Wish I had as much peace and serenity as others here seem to have,etc. But I'm always genuinely happy for others when they are successful.
As a child I had many wishes too,wished I had good parents,wished I was loved and all that. But I wasn't envious of other kids. I believed I wasn't worthy of anything they had.
I wish I didn't have to deal with A's but I don't envy anyone who doesn't, I'm happy for them that they don't have to.
I want so many different things for myself and want to make so many changes in my life. I just want to be the best "me' I can be so for me envying anyone else is pointless because they're not me. If that makes sense.
My sister on the other hand, envy has always ruled her life. So much so that she will do her best to sabotage things for others. Instead of being happy if someone lands a good job she will make anonymous phone calls and tell lies to get them fired,things like that. Her jealousy of everyone is one of the main reasons I cut her out of my life. She would say and do such horrible things to me and then later not apologize but instead admit she was just jealous,as if that made it understandable and ok.
I'm not sure how she and I turned out so differently but I do see how being envious can really make things difficult for those that struggle with it.
I don't believe it's a chosen way to be but instead something deeply rooted in childhood. Just the same as me not feeling I was worthy in childhood has lasting effects for me now.
It sounds like you're very self aware and are making much progress.
I was reading how we subconsciously seek out those that recreate our upbringing as a way to try and master it.
We can't change what we don't acknowledge, they say. So of course there's hope when we do.
I don't think it is so much recreate. We live in a very dysfunctional world
I certainly thought Inhad the corner on dysfunctionality
I didn't
There are plenty of them. Every place I have ever worked has been dysfunctional. Every place I have lived has dysfunctionality
My life is no longer one crisis to the next but I have plenty to.keep me busy
I am no longer focused on what members of my immediate family do. I had to work hard on.detachment to get there
I am however focused day in day out on moving beyond certain issues.
I am deeply committed to that
Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Saturday 15th of May 2021 06:12:23 AM
It's not a coincidence that I ended up married to someone that's emotionally unavailable. I've been recreating that same scenario and hurting myself in that way.
So for me personally I do believe what I read is true,that I subconsciously sought my AH out.
And yes,there's dysfunction everywhere in the world. But I honestly believe as I work on myself and my issues I will start attracting healthier people into my life and hopefully stop subconsciously being drawn to dysfunction.