Yesterday I spent my 1st mother's day w/o my mom. She died on September 30th of last year. I miss her terribly. I guess the day went well. I was able to do some things to make myself feel better. My husband & I bought balloons & red roses for her. We went to the grave site & took a lot of pictures for me & my sisters. They seemed to have received them well. They live a long ways away so I felt they should somehow be able to share in the moment. I also sent up a yellow balloon in my mom's honor. It was almost as nice as the last time when my sister's & I let a balloon go the day after the service back in October. I know that I did the right things because it made me feel better.

Nothing can replace the phone call that I would have made. But the sentiment is still there.

My mom & I had an interesting dynamic in our relationship. She could be my best friend & other times an actual enemy. I hate to say it but I felt it. She was so sick before she finally died. I was somewhat relieved. Is that the disease talking or is that normal? I didn't want her to die, but she was not always there for me in a healthy way. I just wish she could've been healthy. I love her no matter what.

I will stop here. I have nothing really left to say.

Kathleen

(((((((((((((((((((((( Kathleen ))))))))))))))))))))

Kathleen:  The anniversary of grief is a very hard thing 

I believe when you can express ambivalence it is truly significant.  Grief especially for a significant other is a long process.  I know that one grief sets off another grief 

How blessed we are to grieve. The qualifiers mother cannot grieve. One of her son's died by suicide.   She never acknowledged it. She never mentioned him again. Sge made him non. existent. 

Grief is not for the faint of heart.  

A death that rocked ne to my foundation was my friend committing suicide. I have got to the point of expressing ambivalence.lately 

That is a huge step. For a long time there was a void 

I miss my friend a great deal. His death was completely unexpected.  He had some really domineering traits. 

He put on a fantastic show of competency.  He did not even  show vulnerability when his father died. It was all efficiency.

Grief is a terrible thing if you do not allow space for it. 

I am so glad you posted about this topic. 

I don't know anyone who.does not have some measure of dysfunction in their lives 

I have been able to reflect recently that one girl I knew as a teenager was likely sexually abused. Her flirting and carrying on was a sure sign of that 

Another friend of mine who died had the same issue. 

I went to a church she raved about and myself and my friends were fit to be tied because she had this incredible flirtation going with the minister. Now I see that behavior as sexual abuse showing up.   At the time I took great personal offense. 

I can be far nicer about people who I toom real umbrage with. Of course I do not have to deal with then 

At one time in my life I spent a year or two in a children's home. There were about 12 children in that home. We were all sorts. My roommate had a terrible eating disorder. She took hours to eat anything. She took tiny tiny bites it was literally hours sitting at the table with her. I accepted her completely 

We had all kinds of kids there. We never had any arguments.  We never fought. There was no jealousy. I do not remember ever feeling angry at my roommate. She had a terrible terrible eating disorder I cannot fathom how that was even possible 

I used to think that was a really bad time in my life. I had flashbacks from some of the things the staff said

Yet now I know at that time I felt a calm peaceful love and deep caring for most of the other children.   We were neglected.  We were isolated. We had no one.  But we had each other and we all felt it.  

I cannot fathom how I did that but I know I had to have help from.s higher power 

Now I can look.at that time differently. 

I know one of the children died he had many problems 

His mother was an absolute rock for him . 

My own mother was anything but that 

I never felt even a moment of envy towards him 

Not.one second..  

I am glad I can find relief and understanding about grief. I have a lot of mixed feelings about my friend.   I have no idea what the circumstances were around his death 

Now I know I have already reached a place of acceptance with certain people. That is a goal to strive for. 

If I did it once I.can do it again. 

Maresie 

Mother's day  in our home and my life seemed a daily celebration and not one of happiness.  My mom the daughter of this disease was a power monger woman who brought much negativity and sadness into my life.  She punished heartily and often and kept a personality that was so negative for me that staying at hands length from her for me was easy.   

I found myself the point of least resistance with her and just too what was given out until I found the courage to change the things I could.  I didn't do it with rage and anger I did it with patience and quietude.  I stored a ton of anger and rage within and took that out on others.

In years I became a counselor...a behavioral health therapist and found the courage to offer or apply what I learned even with my mother along with taking opportunities to just leave her presence and go off alone.  

I had built a relationship with my Higher Power who held me to using my experience and skills to be helpful rather than dismissive.  When I didn't want to deal with the condition one evening I centered on leaving her and my step-father in the chaos they were having and told my Higher Power "I'm gone!!" where he responded, "Well you are a therapist aren't you?"  So I closed the door to the house and went back in to sit with them and "have a session".  The next evening my Step Father called me into the room with him and mom and thanked me for giving them something they had never heard before.  There were other times and our relationships became much more healthy and sane.   Thank you God.!!

I changed by becoming a Al-Anon recovering member and a therapist without having my mother as the focus.  She was not a alcoholic or addict...she was deeply affected by the disease.   Thanks for letting me share. 

Dear Phebe H 

Thank you so much for sharing about your journey 

I appreciate your insight about your mother 

My own mother has been dead for many years

You have had a number of losses

I really recommend David Kessler as one way to journey through a major loss. His perspective on major loss is very very helpful 

For many of us dealing with an alcoholic we get into the issue of #why# an alcoholic drinks and uses 

In so many respects that is very similar to the way that sirvuvirs feel after a suicide. Then #why# becomes  very clear issue 

I have most cetainly been in the place of why.

Many of us on this board have had to deal with skectacylarky destructive  financially devastating losses as  #partners# of an alcoholic 

For me chaos was the norm. I grew up in a very very chaotic environment.  My parents were overwhelmed by everyday life. Nothing was simple nothing was normal 

Growing up in such an environment meant that I had no.real concept of what #normal# or even remotely #healthy# was 

I most certainly had an idealized version of it 

Therefore it is pretty normal that when we find ourselves in chaos that we reach out to those who.are intimately familiar wit it. Those relationships can appear to be very very supportive.

Trauma bonding is of course very compelling 

Al anon can most certainly help you in many respects. 

First of all the program is welcoming, calm and supportive 

However you choose to use the program they are for the.most part universally supportive 

Secondly the program is most certainly accessible. In fact the pandemic has made it more accessible 

Thirdly. The people in al anon are incredibly generous 

A journey withi an alcoholic often involves becoming absolutely exhausted. At certain times it can feel like 

You are running on empty.  Therefore you have the opportunity nurture yourself by being #acceoted# by others 

Thank you for sharing. Welcome!

Maresie