At the moment I am uploading my mum a fair bit. Getting memory recall, almost daily... ...I sometimes have mixed feelings about here, as I am sure well all do- with people we love. I followed her through family, an alcoholic marriage and into a different world- where she was settled and happy.
I think I lot of my survival skills I adapted from hers.
Doing steps 10 and 11, I among aware of a brick wall. A swamp. Whatever.
I love growing things, and gardening. I have done a lot of farming and fruitgrowing. But I am still struggling with my backyard garden. To enjoy it.
I grew up with no gardening, no lawnmowing. No garbage disposal. Our "bathroom" was a hole in the ground.
So I assume that there was a depth of shame there. Something I want help with now.
One time our bathroom blew over and we didn't have one for a while. A shovel was left at the back door for family use.
Mum had a handy knock of coming through- when things were really touch. She came home with a chemical toilet which she installed in the old washhouse. This is, though, it had to be emptied regularly. Sometimes it got too full to be moved and we went back to the shovel.
Mum would dig a hole out under the cherry trees, drag the bucket out, and bury the contents.
I felt for her- and took up this role myself. I became watchful so the darned thing wouldn't get overfull. So I do have something on the top of my tongue. I need to let go of some shame and disgrace. Which was not mine, really. Not my responsibility.
So why should I make it mine?
DavidG.
Debb said
May 10, 2021
David, thank you for sharing your memories and struggle with steps 10 and 11 concerning
those good as well as difficult memories of your Mum.
"I found that contentment comes from accepting gratefully the good that comes to us, and
not raging at life because it is not better. This wholesome attitude is by no means resignation,
but a realistic acceptance." (ODAT p. 242)
Hope I have helped.
Lyne said
May 10, 2021
Hi David I, relate to your share. I had a fair amount of shame with my FOOthe house was too small for the 6 of us (4 kids) so there were piles of messes plus some hoarding behavior everywhere. My dad would ask embarrassing questions about peoples dogs. My brother would get in trouble in school and once the principle called me in to inquire about his behavior. Hell, I was scared of him and couldnt understand any of his behavior.
Now I just let it all go. My parents did the best the could with what had been given to them. And that was not adequate parenting skills. I survived the best I could with OCD and other emotional baggage. Thanks to program Im a much better version of myself!
DavidG said
May 10, 2021
... Thanks Lyne and Debbs... ...
I am dealing with myself- in a F2f group- with a meeting and an assembly coming up... and trying to keep the focus on myself...
...and some things i go and say seem really naive! Of course- and why not! After writing that thing above- Passed over the seasons of neglect- which I have shared before. I focussed on times when mum had a roster- dishes, filling the coal bucket, and chopping kindling and feeding the hens. As I got older and could drive the tractor i would feed the pigs as well.
I have one brother who was the family mascot really. He played cricket and rugby- and appeared to be the child that our parents wanted. I won't do his inventory here. But us other four- I can see in hindsight missed out on too much. And found the world too tough to grapple with- at times- anyway.
My rite of passage- my realisation came with the coal truck. The coal was stored in an upturned water tank, one ton at a time. The coal man had only one eye and would sometimes roll up drunk. He carted out fruit away too- in the summer- packed up in wooden boxes, which us kids made up in early spring.
But this day i recall him telling mum- that if the bill wasn't paid- there would be no coal.
Just a simple thing.
I just hated it that smoking, drinking and horse races always came first!
Even before shoes sometimes.
But mum had a way of making that work as well. She got me a mail order army surplus pair of shoes- that caused blisters for the first 10 days. I wore them until holes appeared in the bottom and I had to stuff cardboard in.
By then i was working in my spare time harvesting carrots- which paid more than picking fruit.
And so my friend and workmate grew out of his shoes and got a new pair. And I got his old ones.
I just loved those shoes- so comfortable. ...
DavidG said
May 10, 2021
DavidG said
May 11, 2021
Um, um, um... I don't want to headline my shares- mostly.
At one time I leaned heavily on this group- and it took my weight, and more.
Getting a balance. It is more like I do belong to XA. That is a combined 12 Step group.
Just attended my zoom ACA meeting which is based in the UK. I get given a lot of warmth
for attending. I can accept this these days!
My breakthrough- on unconditional love- was with a double winner half my age. By distance-
someone I have regular contact with now- whom I have never actually met in person.
This gave me confidence- that I was in the right place. That I am always in the right place.
I can be present- to myself... and that does carry a long long way...
tomorrow and in the weekend i have face 2 face contact- which is through Alanon!
I need to be out loud about expressing the gratitude! It does add up... Thanks.
SunnyFrogs said
May 11, 2021
Thanks for sharing here. I so enjoy reading what you write. I may not always respond but I do read them.
I think I lot of my survival skills I adapted from hers.
Doing steps 10 and 11, I among aware of a brick wall. A swamp. Whatever.
I love growing things, and gardening. I have done a lot of farming and fruitgrowing. But I am still struggling with my backyard garden. To enjoy it.
I grew up with no gardening, no lawnmowing. No garbage disposal. Our "bathroom" was a hole in the ground.
So I assume that there was a depth of shame there. Something I want help with now.
One time our bathroom blew over and we didn't have one for a while. A shovel was left at the back door for family use.
Mum had a handy knock of coming through- when things were really touch. She came home with a chemical toilet which she installed in the old washhouse. This is, though, it had to be emptied regularly. Sometimes it got too full to be moved and we went back to the shovel.
Mum would dig a hole out under the cherry trees, drag the bucket out, and bury the contents.
I felt for her- and took up this role myself. I became watchful so the darned thing wouldn't get overfull. So I do have something on the top of my tongue. I need to let go of some shame and disgrace. Which was not mine, really. Not my responsibility.
So why should I make it mine?
DavidG.
those good as well as difficult memories of your Mum.
"I found that contentment comes from accepting gratefully the good that comes to us, and
not raging at life because it is not better. This wholesome attitude is by no means resignation,
but a realistic acceptance." (ODAT p. 242)
Hope I have helped.
Now I just let it all go. My parents did the best the could with what had been given to them. And that was not adequate parenting skills. I survived the best I could with OCD and other emotional baggage. Thanks to program Im a much better version of myself!
I am dealing with myself- in a F2f group- with a meeting and an assembly coming up... and trying to keep the focus on myself...
...and some things i go and say seem really naive! Of course- and why not! After writing that thing above- Passed over the seasons of neglect- which I have shared before. I focussed on times when mum had a roster- dishes, filling the coal bucket, and chopping kindling and feeding the hens. As I got older and could drive the tractor i would feed the pigs as well.
I have one brother who was the family mascot really. He played cricket and rugby- and appeared to be the child that our parents wanted. I won't do his inventory here. But us other four- I can see in hindsight missed out on too much. And found the world too tough to grapple with- at times- anyway.
My rite of passage- my realisation came with the coal truck. The coal was stored in an upturned water tank, one ton at a time. The coal man had only one eye and would sometimes roll up drunk. He carted out fruit away too- in the summer- packed up in wooden boxes, which us kids made up in early spring.
But this day i recall him telling mum- that if the bill wasn't paid- there would be no coal.
Just a simple thing.
I just hated it that smoking, drinking and horse races always came first!
Even before shoes sometimes.
But mum had a way of making that work as well. She got me a mail order army surplus pair of shoes- that caused blisters for the first 10 days. I wore them until holes appeared in the bottom and I had to stuff cardboard in.
By then i was working in my spare time harvesting carrots- which paid more than picking fruit.
And so my friend and workmate grew out of his shoes and got a new pair. And I got his old ones.
I just loved those shoes- so comfortable.
...
Um, um, um... I don't want to headline my shares- mostly.
At one time I leaned heavily on this group- and it took my weight, and more.
Getting a balance. It is more like I do belong to XA. That is a combined 12 Step group.
Just attended my zoom ACA meeting which is based in the UK. I get given a lot of warmth
for attending. I can accept this these days!
My breakthrough- on unconditional love- was with a double winner half my age. By distance-
someone I have regular contact with now- whom I have never actually met in person.
This gave me confidence- that I was in the right place. That I am always in the right place.
I can be present- to myself... and that does carry a long long way...
tomorrow and in the weekend i have face 2 face contact- which is through Alanon!
I need to be out loud about expressing the gratitude! It does add up...
Thanks. 