The reading for Monday, May 10th, asks the question, how can I detach from my own wife or husband when our lives are bound together? The author says there are kinds of involvement that make our difficulties worse: when we interfere with the alcoholics activities, finding out where they are, what they are doing, where the money went, etc. Suspicion, searching and prying keep us in a state of turmoil.
Part of the reminder says: What we are meant to know will come to our knowledge without any action on our part. Let go and let God.
Quote: He that is in perfect peace suspects no one, but he that is discontented and disturbed is tossed about with various suspicions; he is neither quiet himself, nor does he allow others to be quiet.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This reading hit me over the head like a hammer, a painful reminder of the kind of behavior I used to engage in. I was so desperate to stop the drinking and resulting behaviors (drinking and driving), that I stooped to spying activities like sneaking looks in my As planner, I called her job to see if there were really after hour meetings, and other such things that merely put me in a hurricane of negative emotions. Thank God all that stopped after some time in program. I didnt even have to make myself stopas I got healthier my behavior and activities became centered on myself in healthy ways. Thats still what I strive forto be the best person I can be for and to myself. And thats what its all about....
Maresie888 said
May 9, 2021
Dear Lynne
I had a real issue with what I was meant to know
As I came from such dysfunctionality there were no red flags. There was no vision of peace and serenity
I cannot say I had a realist attitude of what a healthy home life would be. Therefore I had no idea how to behave.
Now that I am more rooted in recovery it can certainly be a challenge. I went to a public meeting the other night and exasperation set in
Now I have detaching skills that is workable but it was all uphill.
Thank you for your share
Maresie
Debb said
May 10, 2021
Happy Monday MIP Family.
Thank you Lyne for your service, todays reading and to you and Maresie for both your ESH.
I can honestly say that abandoning the need to control was a huge relief, but can remember
the sneaking around and prying into AH and looking for the stash of beer and the searching
for the amounts of $$ spent on those stashes. I am a bit embarrassed and go glad that
what AH does is no longer a concern of mine. Thank you Al-Anon and HP!!
Daffodils said
May 10, 2021
Thanks Lyne for your service and all shares. I left my first marriage because I too engaged in behaviours you described Lyne and did not want to live that way. In current one, I was on the receiving end and I quit my job. Anyways, I found this gem last year ...the 7 Deadly Needs. 1) need to know 2)need to be right 3)need to get even 4)need to look good 5)need to judge 6)need to keep score 7)need to control. Now that I'm applying AlAnon tools to change me, I see why this is a matter of life and death. I further appreciate that what's in the dark will be revealed in the light. I was so thrilled a while back when I discovered AH's "secret" sleep meds and when he denied using them (empty, current bottles) I shrugged and said maybe you are ( ab) using them, maybe you're not and WALKED AWAY. I actually felt compassion rather than anger...I am grateful to not have the physical component of this disease. Well, I hope I made sense but this post brought all this to mind. Have a fantastic day and thanks for MIP...the gift that keeps on giving...
Iamhere said
May 10, 2021
Thank you Lyne for your service and the daily. Thank you all for your shares & ESH. I was supremely good at snooping, prying and lived a life full of suspicion. 'Seeking the truth' made me extremely crazy, anxious and almost paranoid. I felt it was my duty as a right-fighter and I somehow felt if I knew the truth, then I could fix it all, solve it all or be justified in my reactions to the disease and the diseased.
Well - in my case, all that truth seeking and right fighting did was make me a paranoid, nervous, anxious person who was negative, reactive and just plain crazy. My obsession with curing, fixing, managing, monitoring this disease and the diseased in my home truly consumed so much of my energy/time that when I got to recovery, and heard this was unhealthy, I had no idea what to do instead.
Changing the focus from my A(s), this disease and the chaos it brings to me was extremely difficult for me. It was foreign, it was uncomfortable and it was devastating to begin to see and understand that I was contributing to 'it all' -- with my heart in the right place and the best of intentions. In time, I found it hard yet better and more healthy for me/my mind to trust the God of my understanding to disclose to me what mattered and to live and let live.
Old habits die hard for me, and thus I am so, so grateful for the Pause I've learned in recovery. Instead of storming forward with the first thought in my mind, that simple Pause to Prayer before I Proceed truly helps me make better choices for my sanity. I still at times want to know 'more' and yet have found comfort in trusting things unfolding as necessary, when necessary. I practice not forcing solutions, not assuming anything and just keeping my side of the street as healthy as possible.
Happy Monday all -- heading to volunteer all afternoon/evening shortly. Meanwhile, doing a bit of laundry and food prep. It feels more like fall than spring here - a strange weather year. Make it a great day MIP family!!
SunnyFrogs said
May 10, 2021
Good afternoon everyone.
When I think of some of the things I have done it makes me cringe. I have even resorted to setting little traps in the past and creating fake email addresses.
I'm so grateful to not be that way anymore. I would be lying if I said I never snoop or evesdrop once in awhile but no where near as much as I used to. I'm a work in progress.
Yesterday it was snowing. Yes I said snowing. Today it's raining on and off and feels like a lazy day. I'm gonna embrace my laziness and have an easy going day.
Maresie888 said
May 11, 2021
The qualifier bought out by dark side in technicolor
Really I was trying to stave off the impending doom
Doom being the normal result for an alcoholic addict like him.
Somehow I invited myself along for the ride
I lost myself completely in the process. Then there was the dysregulation. That is the anger and the grief
There are certain people who.cannot head anger
I worked with a young guy once. He spent months saving up.for s car. His family chipped in. He was over the moon
Within a month he had a DUI. The car was totalled.
My qualifier was that. He lived to drive but he got more speeding tickets, seat belt tickets than anyone I know
Then the damage he did to the car
Not one incident but a weekly incident of some form
Needless to say the qualifier was like my former colleague. He could not entertain anger from anyone else
I believe neither one of them could #have#
After mu colleague got a DUI, paid a fortune in tow fees,
his main concern was no one could give him a hard time about it. He simply could not entertain it
Its pretty much impossible to have a relationship with someone who cannot entertain anger. Really it is a tyranny
I have entertained that kind of interaction.many times
It is classic alcoholic. No matter what they do they are reproach
Needless to say I was consumed with rage
Now when I have to deal with an alcoholic I do not get consumed with rage. I spent decades in that state
Then of course I would feel s abandoned
Of course you cannot be abandoned by someone who was never there in the first place. That is an impossibility
Being abandoned by someone who was never there for you because they were incapable of it is s special hole to find yourself in
Newsday's I have good problems. Taking care of myself problems.
When I came in this program I had impossible problems that were insurmountable.
Now my problems are challenging but not in that respect
The reading for Monday, May 10th, asks the question, how can I detach from my own wife or husband when our lives are bound together? The author says there are kinds of involvement that make our difficulties worse: when we interfere with the alcoholics activities, finding out where they are, what they are doing, where the money went, etc. Suspicion, searching and prying keep us in a state of turmoil.
Part of the reminder says: What we are meant to know will come to our knowledge without any action on our part. Let go and let God.
Quote: He that is in perfect peace suspects no one, but he that is discontented and disturbed is tossed about with various suspicions; he is neither quiet himself, nor does he allow others to be quiet.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This reading hit me over the head like a hammer, a painful reminder of the kind of behavior I used to engage in. I was so desperate to stop the drinking and resulting behaviors (drinking and driving), that I stooped to spying activities like sneaking looks in my As planner, I called her job to see if there were really after hour meetings, and other such things that merely put me in a hurricane of negative emotions. Thank God all that stopped after some time in program. I didnt even have to make myself stopas I got healthier my behavior and activities became centered on myself in healthy ways. Thats still what I strive forto be the best person I can be for and to myself. And thats what its all about....
Dear Lynne
I had a real issue with what I was meant to know
As I came from such dysfunctionality there were no red flags. There was no vision of peace and serenity
I cannot say I had a realist attitude of what a healthy home life would be. Therefore I had no idea how to behave.
Now that I am more rooted in recovery it can certainly be a challenge. I went to a public meeting the other night and exasperation set in
Now I have detaching skills that is workable but it was all uphill.
Thank you for your share
Maresie
Thank you Lyne for your service, todays reading and to you and Maresie for both your ESH.
I can honestly say that abandoning the need to control was a huge relief, but can remember
the sneaking around and prying into AH and looking for the stash of beer and the searching
for the amounts of $$ spent on those stashes. I am a bit embarrassed and go glad that
what AH does is no longer a concern of mine. Thank you Al-Anon and HP!!
Well - in my case, all that truth seeking and right fighting did was make me a paranoid, nervous, anxious person who was negative, reactive and just plain crazy. My obsession with curing, fixing, managing, monitoring this disease and the diseased in my home truly consumed so much of my energy/time that when I got to recovery, and heard this was unhealthy, I had no idea what to do instead.
Changing the focus from my A(s), this disease and the chaos it brings to me was extremely difficult for me. It was foreign, it was uncomfortable and it was devastating to begin to see and understand that I was contributing to 'it all' -- with my heart in the right place and the best of intentions. In time, I found it hard yet better and more healthy for me/my mind to trust the God of my understanding to disclose to me what mattered and to live and let live.
Old habits die hard for me, and thus I am so, so grateful for the Pause I've learned in recovery. Instead of storming forward with the first thought in my mind, that simple Pause to Prayer before I Proceed truly helps me make better choices for my sanity. I still at times want to know 'more' and yet have found comfort in trusting things unfolding as necessary, when necessary. I practice not forcing solutions, not assuming anything and just keeping my side of the street as healthy as possible.
Happy Monday all -- heading to volunteer all afternoon/evening shortly. Meanwhile, doing a bit of laundry and food prep. It feels more like fall than spring here - a strange weather year. Make it a great day MIP family!!
When I think of some of the things I have done it makes me cringe. I have even resorted to setting little traps in the past and creating fake email addresses.
I'm so grateful to not be that way anymore. I would be lying if I said I never snoop or evesdrop once in awhile but no where near as much as I used to. I'm a work in progress.
Yesterday it was snowing. Yes I said snowing. Today it's raining on and off and feels like a lazy day. I'm gonna embrace my laziness and have an easy going day.
The qualifier bought out by dark side in technicolor
Really I was trying to stave off the impending doom
Doom being the normal result for an alcoholic addict like him.
Somehow I invited myself along for the ride
I lost myself completely in the process. Then there was the dysregulation. That is the anger and the grief
There are certain people who.cannot head anger
I worked with a young guy once. He spent months saving up.for s car. His family chipped in. He was over the moon
Within a month he had a DUI. The car was totalled.
My qualifier was that. He lived to drive but he got more speeding tickets, seat belt tickets than anyone I know
Then the damage he did to the car
Not one incident but a weekly incident of some form
Needless to say the qualifier was like my former colleague. He could not entertain anger from anyone else
I believe neither one of them could #have#
After mu colleague got a DUI, paid a fortune in tow fees,
his main concern was no one could give him a hard time about it. He simply could not entertain it
Its pretty much impossible to have a relationship with someone who cannot entertain anger. Really it is a tyranny
I have entertained that kind of interaction.many times
It is classic alcoholic. No matter what they do they are reproach
Needless to say I was consumed with rage
Now when I have to deal with an alcoholic I do not get consumed with rage. I spent decades in that state
Then of course I would feel s abandoned
Of course you cannot be abandoned by someone who was never there in the first place. That is an impossibility
Being abandoned by someone who was never there for you because they were incapable of it is s special hole to find yourself in
Newsday's I have good problems. Taking care of myself problems.
When I came in this program I had impossible problems that were insurmountable.
Now my problems are challenging but not in that respect
Maresie