First, for any who are mothers, Happy Mother's Day to one and all. I will readily admit that Mother's Day and many other 'formal Hallmark holidays' for me are overrated. I tend to have to work overtime to keep my anxiety at bay simply because what may appear to be normal for many other families and on the TV is far from the reality of my experience.
For many, many years, my sons have done very little/nothing to honor me or their father on Mother's Day/Father's Day. As a person in recovery, you can imagine that I have tried to 'blame me' for not teaching them better. This is hog-wash - they were present and experienced a daughter who consistently honored her parents. My in-laws are deceased and have been longer than I've been married.
What recovery has encouraged me to do is to find new/different ways to enjoy these days or to get through them. Over the years, I've done a variety of things -- most important for me and to me is to make a plan to do 'something' I enjoy. For me, isolating and pining for what is not does not serve me well and certainly robs me of my serenity and my joy.
I have a FOO (Family of Origin) and I have a FOC (Family of Choice). My recovery suggests that I approach each day, one day at a time, with the intent to be of service to self and others. For all these 'days', I tend to go out of my way to touch base with others who might also be lonely, alone, estranged, etc. A quick call or note telling them they matter and are in my thoughts helps me get out of myself and hopefully spreads some joy.
What I know is that this too shall pass. Whatever your day unfolds to be - super joyous or super disappointing - it will pass. I have my plan for tomorrow that does not include my children. If I sat around and waited for them to make plans, I'd certainly be disappointed as it's just not within their skill-set or desires. I accept that I am responsible for my happiness, joy, etc. so have opted to, like years past, make plans that work for me.
It's perfectly OK to celebrate motherhood with/without your children. It's perfectly OK to make plans to suit and serve you. It's perfectly OK to make no plans. My purpose in writing is to share that unconventional ways of celebrating are as 'normal' as conventional ways. Do what makes you happy, every day, but especially on these Hallmark card type of days. Find your joy and hold tight to it!
Love and light to all...
-- Edited by Iamhere on Saturday 8th of May 2021 08:36:02 AM
Freetime said
May 8, 2021
Good morning, IAH, and thank you for this share! I too send good wishes to everyone who is thinking about a special day -- whether with joy or with sadness.
I'm no spring chicken, and I am just recently learning that I really can make my own day. I am blessed that my kids actually do remember me on Mother's Day, in their own ways. In the past, my approach to all holidays was just to wish there would be no negative drama. A boring holiday sounded like bliss. Birthdays were disappointing because other people could not read my mind as to how I wanted to celebrate.
I think I finally have learned to read my own mind, to know what would make me happy, and to arrange that for myself. I can have cake for breakfast. I can enjoy cards and text messages that were sent to me by friends. I can buy flowers to plant in containers on my deck. I can plan my own day. I wish that for everyone.
Debb said
May 8, 2021
Good morning to you IAH and FT and thank you for the Mother's Day wishes. I too am blessed that I am remembered,
but am sending {{hugs}} and wishes for a happy Mother's Day to you both and to everyone on MIP. You are all so
very appreciated by me indeed.
a4l said
May 8, 2021
Yay happy mothers day! For me, any excuse to get pampered or do what I want, I'm going to milk it for allllllll it's worth lol! No permission required. I get the heaviness of hallmark occasions nonetheless. So officially I'll dismiss it with " meh, every day is mothers day" which is true in a way. It's Saturday here and we don't have Sunday shopping. Lovely but also kind of a drag if you work alot. So. So so so. Today I shall buy gifts for my mother and myself. Not sure about mother, but I know I'm going for face masks-the beauty treatment type not the surgical ones- maybe some new perfume, and a whole heap of nice smelling beauty stuff. I'm so excited.
Have an awesome mothers day weekend whether your babies be human, fur, your own or another's or a combination of all or some.
Edited to add a picture....sometimes it's really just the simple things, like the amazing coffee girls.
-- Edited by a4l on Saturday 8th of May 2021 01:47:58 PM
Happy Mother's Day, mothers... especially remembering my own mum, my SO, my daughters, who are both mothers... my two grandmothers, and many aunties... :)
WendyP said
May 8, 2021
Yes. It is Mother's Day here. and I also wish and pray for a Happy Mother's Day for all the Mum's, especially the new Mum's and Mum's to be. For myself I am going to give myself the best day that I can. I too, have Adult Children who for today, don't like their Mother, but I am not going to dwell on it, and let it have the power to spoil my day. It could spoil my life as I am a Mother everyday.
My Mother died at 60, very young, but even with all what went before the both of us, I still respected her. She wasn't an easy person to like or love,but I tried, and I did care for her, and she knew it. I always brought her presents on Mothers' Day. I am only sorry that she didn't know me in recovery, but then she might have thought I was more stranger than before.
Recovery has taught me, that I am responsible for everything about me, my sadness, gladness, all of it. So today I am grateful that I am not hurting myself going places that I have no control over. But what I did do this morning, is to wish a Happy Day to my Daughter and Son, via the Universe, who are choosing to be not in my life. I am focusing on the ones I do have in my life, I can chose which Family I want.
Love You Lots,
WendyP.
SunnyFrogs said
May 8, 2021
Happy Mother's Day everyone.
I have no plans and it honestly doesn't bother me. One kid will forget tomorrow is Mothers day I'm sure. One will have intentions of buying me a gift and stopping by but probably won't find the time. The other,well I'm sure will call me from rehab.Or it could go a completely different way and 2 of them could surprise me in a big way.
It doesn't matter which way it goes. I like Mothers Day because I am a mother to kids I love dearly. I am always grateful for that and it's enough for me. I don't need gifts or to be acknowledged. I know they love me ,they tell me every time I see them or talk to them. That means more than just hearing it one day a year.
mamalioness said
May 9, 2021
Happy Mothers Day to everybody and thank you. IAH For the post and you are certainly not alone. But I dont ruminate on the children that I raised not honoring me, I just say God bless and I just make a day of it enjoying myself and finding joy and trying to give joy to others and to me I think every day we should just honor life in general. But anyway I wish everybody a happy Mothers Day and I think today Im going to just have a quiet day as I have been doing little things to fix up my house each day and I think today Im going to take the day off
Maresie888 said
May 9, 2021
Dear Sunyfrogs
I am glad you can be very mature about this day
Due to the pandemic the commercialization is far far less.
Next year we will be back into full time spending
I am thrilled that you found your relationships with your children reparative. That is such an incredible feat
Commercial holidays were very very painful and triggering for me. Now I have various techniques to detach from that circus
All of that hard work eventually pays off
Being less reactive is of course a real joy
One of my former therapists told me that when improvement come it is particularly sweet. I had no idea what she was talking about
I am of course always very hard at work on my recovery
The more I study the more insight I have. The more self reflective I can be.
Earned recovery is a formidable powerful place to be working from
On.some level I have never worked si hard in recovery. On another level the gains are cumulative
At one time I was always pointing out that the trauma was cumulative
However when you get to a certain point in recovery the gains are cumulative in the other furection°
Maresie
Summerlady said
May 9, 2021
I am a lurker here, but I have read the boards for years.
A little background; my husband is a recovering alcoholic and has been sober for over 30 years.
Our two kids are in their early 40's and both have had a lot of issues for years. They are not speaking to each other at this time, and my husband and I have just so so relationships with both of them.
But I had to post and tell you IAH, that you have helped me so much over the years! Between you and my husband, my sponsor, and my HP, whom I choose to call God, I am not the same person anymore!
I, too, dislike the holidays, but I have learned that I can have a good day no matter what anyone else is doing. In fact, my husband used to tell me, "You can sit here and mope and think about everything that is going on if you want to, but I am going to enjoy my day!
I'm a slow learner, but it finally got into my head that I could have a good day as well, so I set about doing just that!
I wake up in the morning & first thing I say "God, It's a fantastic day already just because I woke up & I'm going to build on it from there!"
IAH, I just had to tell you what a blessing you have been to me and when I see you have posted, I sit up and take notice because I know you always have some good things to say.
Happy Mother's Day to you! And I know you had a good day, because that is what you chose to do!
Iamhere said
May 10, 2021
(((Summerlady))) - glad you popped out of lurking to share with us. Thanks for your share about your AH and his sobriety....so, so often in Al-Anon, many don't hear of the success stories for the AA side, and I love to hear of the miracles of recovery, no matter which side.
I must admit I chuckled when I read your morning 'routine' - I too typically rise and feel gratitude to be above ground with an open slate of a day in front of me. I'm a big believer in choosing joy, whatever that looks like and prefer to start my day with my HP and a positive attitude.
I had a phone call last evening from one I sponsor and she was beside herself. She's spent the day with her mother and it went well. Yet, she realized that when she is with family, she feels apart from instead of a part of. We had a great discussion on family dynamics and the reality that all families have some level of dysfunction and every family member has a role to play.
Needless to say, we talked about the three A(s) - Awareness, Acceptance and Action and have a plan to do some step work. What a relief that we can choose to be in joy or not, have a good day or not, have a good attitude or not, etc. Personal empowerment is an awesome feeling!
I hope you pop out and share more - MIP is a great family!
First, for any who are mothers, Happy Mother's Day to one and all. I will readily admit that Mother's Day and many other 'formal Hallmark holidays' for me are overrated. I tend to have to work overtime to keep my anxiety at bay simply because what may appear to be normal for many other families and on the TV is far from the reality of my experience.
For many, many years, my sons have done very little/nothing to honor me or their father on Mother's Day/Father's Day. As a person in recovery, you can imagine that I have tried to 'blame me' for not teaching them better. This is hog-wash - they were present and experienced a daughter who consistently honored her parents. My in-laws are deceased and have been longer than I've been married.
What recovery has encouraged me to do is to find new/different ways to enjoy these days or to get through them. Over the years, I've done a variety of things -- most important for me and to me is to make a plan to do 'something' I enjoy. For me, isolating and pining for what is not does not serve me well and certainly robs me of my serenity and my joy.
I have a FOO (Family of Origin) and I have a FOC (Family of Choice). My recovery suggests that I approach each day, one day at a time, with the intent to be of service to self and others. For all these 'days', I tend to go out of my way to touch base with others who might also be lonely, alone, estranged, etc. A quick call or note telling them they matter and are in my thoughts helps me get out of myself and hopefully spreads some joy.
What I know is that this too shall pass. Whatever your day unfolds to be - super joyous or super disappointing - it will pass. I have my plan for tomorrow that does not include my children. If I sat around and waited for them to make plans, I'd certainly be disappointed as it's just not within their skill-set or desires. I accept that I am responsible for my happiness, joy, etc. so have opted to, like years past, make plans that work for me.
It's perfectly OK to celebrate motherhood with/without your children. It's perfectly OK to make plans to suit and serve you. It's perfectly OK to make no plans. My purpose in writing is to share that unconventional ways of celebrating are as 'normal' as conventional ways. Do what makes you happy, every day, but especially on these Hallmark card type of days. Find your joy and hold tight to it!
Love and light to all...
-- Edited by Iamhere on Saturday 8th of May 2021 08:36:02 AM
I'm no spring chicken, and I am just recently learning that I really can make my own day. I am blessed that my kids actually do remember me on Mother's Day, in their own ways. In the past, my approach to all holidays was just to wish there would be no negative drama. A boring holiday sounded like bliss. Birthdays were disappointing because other people could not read my mind as to how I wanted to celebrate.
I think I finally have learned to read my own mind, to know what would make me happy, and to arrange that for myself. I can have cake for breakfast. I can enjoy cards and text messages that were sent to me by friends. I can buy flowers to plant in containers on my deck. I can plan my own day. I wish that for everyone.
but am sending {{hugs}} and wishes for a happy Mother's Day to you both and to everyone on MIP. You are all so
very appreciated by me indeed.
Yay happy mothers day! For me, any excuse to get pampered or do what I want, I'm going to milk it for allllllll it's worth lol! No permission required. I get the heaviness of hallmark occasions nonetheless. So officially I'll dismiss it with " meh, every day is mothers day" which is true in a way. It's Saturday here and we don't have Sunday shopping. Lovely but also kind of a drag if you work alot. So. So so so. Today I shall buy gifts for my mother and myself. Not sure about mother, but I know I'm going for face masks-the beauty treatment type not the surgical ones- maybe some new perfume, and a whole heap of nice smelling beauty stuff. I'm so excited.
Have an awesome mothers day weekend whether your babies be human, fur, your own or another's or a combination of all or some.
Edited to add a picture....sometimes it's really just the simple things, like the amazing coffee girls.
-- Edited by a4l on Saturday 8th of May 2021 01:47:58 PM
Yes. It is Mother's Day here. and I also wish and pray for a Happy Mother's Day for all the Mum's, especially the new Mum's and Mum's to be. For myself I am going to give myself the best day that I can. I too, have Adult Children who for today, don't like their Mother, but I am not going to dwell on it, and let it have the power to spoil my day. It could spoil my life as I am a Mother everyday.
My Mother died at 60, very young, but even with all what went before the both of us, I still respected her. She wasn't an easy person to like or love,but I tried, and I did care for her, and she knew it. I always brought her presents on Mothers' Day. I am only sorry that she didn't know me in recovery, but then she might have thought I was more stranger than before.
Recovery has taught me, that I am responsible for everything about me, my sadness, gladness, all of it. So today I am grateful that I am not hurting myself going places that I have no control over. But what I did do this morning, is to wish a Happy Day to my Daughter and Son, via the Universe, who are choosing to be not in my life. I am focusing on the ones I do have in my life, I can chose which Family I want.
Love You Lots,
WendyP.
Happy Mother's Day everyone.
I have no plans and it honestly doesn't bother me. One kid will forget tomorrow is Mothers day I'm sure. One will have intentions of buying me a gift and stopping by but probably won't find the time. The other,well I'm sure will call me from rehab.Or it could go a completely different way and 2 of them could surprise me in a big way.
It doesn't matter which way it goes. I like Mothers Day because I am a mother to kids I love dearly. I am always grateful for that and it's enough for me. I don't need gifts or to be acknowledged. I know they love me ,they tell me every time I see them or talk to them. That means more than just hearing it one day a year.
Dear Sunyfrogs
I am glad you can be very mature about this day
Due to the pandemic the commercialization is far far less.
Next year we will be back into full time spending
I am thrilled that you found your relationships with your children reparative. That is such an incredible feat
Commercial holidays were very very painful and triggering for me. Now I have various techniques to detach from that circus
All of that hard work eventually pays off
Being less reactive is of course a real joy
One of my former therapists told me that when improvement come it is particularly sweet. I had no idea what she was talking about
I am of course always very hard at work on my recovery
The more I study the more insight I have. The more self reflective I can be.
Earned recovery is a formidable powerful place to be working from
On.some level I have never worked si hard in recovery. On another level the gains are cumulative
At one time I was always pointing out that the trauma was cumulative
However when you get to a certain point in recovery the gains are cumulative in the other furection°
Maresie
I am a lurker here, but I have read the boards for years.
A little background; my husband is a recovering alcoholic and has been sober for over 30 years.
Our two kids are in their early 40's and both have had a lot of issues for years. They are not speaking to each other at this time, and my husband and I have just so so relationships with both of them.
But I had to post and tell you IAH, that you have helped me so much over the years! Between you and my husband, my sponsor, and my HP, whom I choose to call God, I am not the same person anymore!
I, too, dislike the holidays, but I have learned that I can have a good day no matter what anyone else is doing. In fact, my husband used to tell me, "You can sit here and mope and think about everything that is going on if you want to, but I am going to enjoy my day!
I'm a slow learner, but it finally got into my head that I could have a good day as well, so I set about doing just that!
I wake up in the morning & first thing I say "God, It's a fantastic day already just because I woke up & I'm going to build on it from there!"
IAH, I just had to tell you what a blessing you have been to me and when I see you have posted, I sit up and take notice because I know you always have some good things to say.
Happy Mother's Day to you! And I know you had a good day, because that is what you chose to do!
I must admit I chuckled when I read your morning 'routine' - I too typically rise and feel gratitude to be above ground with an open slate of a day in front of me. I'm a big believer in choosing joy, whatever that looks like and prefer to start my day with my HP and a positive attitude.
I had a phone call last evening from one I sponsor and she was beside herself. She's spent the day with her mother and it went well. Yet, she realized that when she is with family, she feels apart from instead of a part of. We had a great discussion on family dynamics and the reality that all families have some level of dysfunction and every family member has a role to play.
Needless to say, we talked about the three A(s) - Awareness, Acceptance and Action and have a plan to do some step work. What a relief that we can choose to be in joy or not, have a good day or not, have a good attitude or not, etc. Personal empowerment is an awesome feeling!
I hope you pop out and share more - MIP is a great family!