April 30 - Courage to Change - Sharing our Dilemmas
Freetime said
Apr 29, 2021
Today's share in Courage to Change is by someone who had a dripping faucet, and kept trying to fix it themselves, but it continued dripping until it did extensive damage, and they had to call for outside help. It was the same way with other problems, waiting until a situation would explode before addressing it.
They discovered that sharing in meetings and with Al-Anon friends helps put a problem into words, rather than pushing it aside. This makes it easier to deal with problems before they become high drama.
Today's reminder: Today I will share honestly about something that has been nagging at me. My life deserves my attention.
Quote from Living with Sobriety: "One of the most helpful aspects of the Al-Anon/Alateen fellowship is the opportunity we have to voice our dilemmas, confident that we won't be condemned for speaking frankly."
----------------
One of the greatest gifts Al-Anon has given me is knowing that I do not have to handle everything by myself. I am not alone, and it is OK to reach out.
I am really good at ruminating. I can have a thought running around in my head like a hamster in a wheel, and it can be hard to turn it off -- like the dripping faucet in today's reading. But once I share that thought with someone, it seems to relieve the pressure. Sometimes I just need a listening ear, and other times it's helpful to hear what someone else has done in the same situation. So many times I have received others' experience that shows me the way to solving or improving my problem, a solution that never would have occurred to me.
With Al-Anon, I have found people listen and don't give unwanted advice -- so it's really safe to share.
I didn't start to open up to others the fact that alcoholism was affecting my life until I got the gift of desperation -- wow, was I desperate! -- but I was ready, and the teachers appeared.
MIP friends, how do you feel about sharing?
mamalioness said
Apr 29, 2021
Dear Freetime. Thank you for your service and thank you for your share. Oh yeah the dripping faucet at first I would fight that thing because I could not let anything defeat me or show me that I am powerless over it so I would fight it and exhaust myself. But with program taking route more and more inch by inch day by day, now I can reach out for help and not feel like I am a failure because I could not tackle something by myself and its the same way about my feelings or my grief or anything. Sharing and caring is huge for me because it is something I never had as a child. But I can come in here with an issue and somebody will relate and respond to me and it isnt such a big monster anymore, the issue, when I get it out in the open, its almost like shining the light on cockroaches and they run like hell when you put some light on them. Im learning not to resist everything that comes at me but to back off and breve and either the answer will come to me or I will be nudged to Call for help and I notice I am less stressed of late and sleeping better. Thanks for the great reminder
a4l said
Apr 30, 2021
I love the thoughtful way you write the dailies Freetime. Thank you for your service and the share. Something that strikes me about sharing in meetings which differs from interpersonal relationships for me is not apologizing as a softener. Not sure where I picked that habit up and it doesn't happen often if at all now ( except with qualifiers and I hate it even as I do it ). I guess Alanon and AA are also relearning communication. Not a lot of open communication in the addicted circle and cycle. There's much hedging; stumbling, many words, intuiting, defending; sensing and prodding. No wonder it's exhausting being a person in a relationship affected by alcoholism and addiction. Romantically or as a family member. Rose I enjoyed your share too about shining a light. Burying things alive they just keep kicking at the mind and grow bigger. I too have found relief in examining those skeletons in a safe place. They were indeed less scary out than held in.
Debb said
Apr 30, 2021
Thank you Freetime for your service, today's reading and to you and mamalioness and a41 for y'all ESH.
Happy Friday MIP Family!!
Yeah, I waited too long, but then I did not realize what was happening was the "alcoholic chaos" either.
MIP was the my first inclining that I was dealing with an alcoholism, because I had never been exposed to
it. I did not know it was NOT alright to drink everyday! I was drinking myself, until it made me so sick
I stopped cold turkey. As far as AH was concerned, the relationship was beyond my ability to cope with
and I did not know that the drinking was 90% of the problem. So yes, talking with the MIP family
several years ago set me down a wonderful path to my recovery and with the help of the program and
my HP I am in a very pleasant "work in progress" state!!
PosiesandPuppies said
Apr 30, 2021
Thank you Freetime for your service and the great share. As usual, I enjoyed hearing the POV's of Rose, a4l and Debb too!!
I went for years not sharing, not knowing. Despite not knowing, it was a very shameful time for me... how can things be this bad? I worked so hard at being a great partner - not controlling, not speaking up, trying to accommodate all requests of me, I was very diligent about managing the family income, I went and participated wholeheartedly in marriage counseling - I put in TREMENDOUS effort. Why wasn't I reaping the benefits of all this hard work? Why was my world in chaos and crumbling around me?
Because it takes two, sweetheart!
I found out that I could not manage or control this beast... more importantly, it was foolhardy to even try.
Once I finally shared, all sorts of support came my way! All hands on deck! However, most of the support waned as behaviors were repeated over and over, and my qualifier became nasty. Al-Anon was still there when other things/people had enough and dropped away. It was still my life-raft and the people were/are supportive and non-judgmental. It was here for me until I was strong enough to say, "Enough!" And it continues to be here for me... "It works if you work it!"
So my opinion of sharing is that it is beneficial. Things that stay secretive gain power. And having your burdens lifted by sharing with supportive people, is a good thing!
TGIF MIP Peeps!! Enjoy this day! I get free lunch provided by my boss, due to a record day this week, and I am so excited! LOL!
&
Daffodils said
Apr 30, 2021
Thank you for your shares. This brought back an incident that makes me cringe to this day. AH had completed a doctor's appointment early and I kept him waiting while I got us coffee. He was pacing and visibly irritated upon my arrival. Normally I would have been super apologetic and accepting of his rage. That day, I completely lost it. I spit out every selfish act he had ever heaped on me and then some...crossing a line by mocking his disease and high needs. Yikes. He hung his head and kept muttering "stop talking". It was a quiet ride home.
He walked on eggshells for a while. I processed it with my therapist before making amends to my hubby. I hope to never be that viscious and vile again. So now I seek safe spaces to learn how to promptly address issues in a healthy way. I have learned that I'm capable of being just as ugly as an untreated alcoholic...alcohol is but a symptom....
DavidG said
Apr 30, 2021
Thanks, Freetime. Our nightmares with leaking water in buildings is over, at least for now.
There was a time when we did not have the money to bring in the experts, and make timely repairs.
But we did manage to get on top of it- and to have "a rainy day fund" in case of unforeseen circumstances.
It is a really tough row to hoe...
I have undying admiration for those of us who finally make it through... ...
Iamhere said
Apr 30, 2021
Thank you Freetime for your service and the daily. Thanks to all for your shares and ESH. I was raised in a home that kept secrets. By all means, what happened in the home, to the family, etc. was not at all for sharing beyond the home. I tried so, so hard to be compliant and stuffed so, so much.
It's a wonder that my many angry explosions weren't worse and they were pretty darn bad. Even before recovery, I could slice/dice another with my mouth/words and yet never, ever know how to truly share. I was in a continuous reactive mode, filled with unprocessed emotions that exited my body in the form of rage and anger.
As my own family began to suffer from this disease, it was the shame that kept me fearful of getting help and sharing. Of course, when I felt the need to explode, I would try to vent with others who love me and most of my venting was full of blame of others. My denial had denial and it took time and active listening in meetings for me to find the similarities and begin to understand how I contributed. I too could be just as mean-spirited and vicious as my A(s).
What I know now and still delay at times is that talking things out with another before I am ready to explode is way more healthy. I am not sure what it is about asking for help that makes me feel inferior, yet, it happens to this day. I can't explain why something inside my wacky brain thinks (first, not lasting) I should have 'the answers' by now....Ego? Pride? Truly not sure yet still improving in this area.
What I am learning as I grow/change is other people on this planet also feel good about being of service - it's not just a recovery thing! When I crashed my car and was afraid to drive earlier this year, I sent a message to my volunteer team asking for rides for my shifts. Every single person, except one, offered me rides whether they were active that day or not. It was heart-warming to see the responses! I made chocolate chip cookies as thank you(s) fresh each day....of course I had my fair share too.
Happy Friday all - we have sunshine, warm weather and finally - a reprieve from some strong winds - a lovely, lovely day. And yes, I did spend it on the golf course, because...why not? Hope you're having a great day!
Maresie888 said
May 1, 2021
Dear Freetime
Thank you so much.gor your service to.this group
The issue of a leaking faucet is very apt for me. The apartment building I live in is being renovated. One of the primary.reasons for the rennovation was and still is (the rennovation is ongoing) the leaking pipes in the walls. Those leaking pipes have caused structural damage to the building
Needless to.say the rennovation is a costly and extremely complicated process
Please take note that the same metaphor applies to living surrounded by alcoholism. The stigma and cumulative damage caused by alcoholism affects the entire structure of my life
I grew up in alcoholism. I married into alcoholism. I have often found myself immersed and enmeshed in situations relating to.alcoholism
So for me personally it was not enough to talk about just issues and be witnessed. I had to be willing to take apart ky.entire life in order to free myself from enmeshmebt. Most certainly support was part of that equation. However being listened to was only the initial step. I then had to be willing to.do the work of changing the structure of my life.
My issues did not evaporate when I left the qualifier. I believe on many levels they really began changing when I was wilimg to embrace along principles. In my case it also meant I had to seek therapy and be willing to learn new skills. Skill building is an onerous task.
I have spent the last few days at a grief conference with 60,000 other people. My ability to understand suicide (I.sm a suicide survivor) and grief has improved immeasurably
My program is related to effort. My efforts were ar one time related to mitigating the affects of alcoholism. Now my.efforts are related to changing myself and no longer focused on changing others. That is a very significant change for me. The effort I put into my.prigram is intense daily and I am fully accountable in therapy about that effort.
I go to any lengths to recover day in day out. Nothing short of any lengths will result in measurable change
Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Saturday 1st of May 2021 05:52:21 AM
Maresie888 said
May 1, 2021
Dear Freetime
Thank you so much.gor your service to.tjis group
The issue of a leaking faucet is very apt for me. The a look apartment building I live in is being renovated. One of the primsry.reasons for the rennovation was and still is (the rennovation is ongoing) the leaking pipes in the walls. Those leaking pipes have caused structural damage to the building
Needless to.say the rennovation is a costly and extremely complicated process
Please take note that the same metaphor applies to living surrounded by alcoholism. The stigma and cumulative damage caused by alcoholism affects the entire structure of my life
I grew up in alcoholism. I married into alcoholism. I have often found myself immersed and enmeshed in situations relating to.alcoholism
So for me personally it was not enough to talk about just issues and be witnessed. I had to be willing to take apart ky.entire life in order to free myself from enmeshmebt. Most certainly support was part of that equation. However being listened to was only the initial step. I then had to be willing to.do the work of changing the structure of my life.
My issues did not evaporate when I left the qualifier. I believe on many levels they really began changing when I was wilimg to embrace along principles. In my case kg also meant I had to see therapy and be willing to learn new skills
I have spent the last few days at a grief conference with 60,000 other people. My ability to understand suicide (I.sm a suicide survivor) and grief has improved immeasurably
My program is related to effort. My efforts were ar one time related to mitigating the afdects of alcoholism. Now my.effkrts are related to changing myself and no longer get focused on changing others. That is a very significant change for me. The effort I put into my.prigram is intense daily and I am fully accountable in therapy about that effort.
I go to any lengths to recover myself. Nothing short of any lengths will result in measurable change
Maresie
Freetime said
May 1, 2021
Maresie, I appreciate the insight that being listened to is only the initial step. Very true for me. I think being listened to is like the doorknob that opens the door. But I still have to walk through the door (do the work) to get where I want to go.
Today's share in Courage to Change is by someone who had a dripping faucet, and kept trying to fix it themselves, but it continued dripping until it did extensive damage, and they had to call for outside help. It was the same way with other problems, waiting until a situation would explode before addressing it.
They discovered that sharing in meetings and with Al-Anon friends helps put a problem into words, rather than pushing it aside. This makes it easier to deal with problems before they become high drama.
Today's reminder: Today I will share honestly about something that has been nagging at me. My life deserves my attention.
Quote from Living with Sobriety: "One of the most helpful aspects of the Al-Anon/Alateen fellowship is the opportunity we have to voice our dilemmas, confident that we won't be condemned for speaking frankly."
----------------
One of the greatest gifts Al-Anon has given me is knowing that I do not have to handle everything by myself. I am not alone, and it is OK to reach out.
I am really good at ruminating. I can have a thought running around in my head like a hamster in a wheel, and it can be hard to turn it off -- like the dripping faucet in today's reading. But once I share that thought with someone, it seems to relieve the pressure. Sometimes I just need a listening ear, and other times it's helpful to hear what someone else has done in the same situation. So many times I have received others' experience that shows me the way to solving or improving my problem, a solution that never would have occurred to me.
With Al-Anon, I have found people listen and don't give unwanted advice -- so it's really safe to share.
I didn't start to open up to others the fact that alcoholism was affecting my life until I got the gift of desperation -- wow, was I desperate! -- but I was ready, and the teachers appeared.
MIP friends, how do you feel about sharing?
Happy Friday MIP Family!!
Yeah, I waited too long, but then I did not realize what was happening was the "alcoholic chaos" either.
MIP was the my first inclining that I was dealing with an alcoholism, because I had never been exposed to
it. I did not know it was NOT alright to drink everyday! I was drinking myself, until it made me so sick
I stopped cold turkey. As far as AH was concerned, the relationship was beyond my ability to cope with
and I did not know that the drinking was 90% of the problem. So yes, talking with the MIP family
several years ago set me down a wonderful path to my recovery and with the help of the program and
my HP I am in a very pleasant "work in progress" state!!
Thank you Freetime for your service and the great share. As usual, I enjoyed hearing the POV's of Rose, a4l and Debb too!!
& 
I went for years not sharing, not knowing. Despite not knowing, it was a very shameful time for me... how can things be this bad? I worked so hard at being a great partner - not controlling, not speaking up, trying to accommodate all requests of me, I was very diligent about managing the family income, I went and participated wholeheartedly in marriage counseling - I put in TREMENDOUS effort. Why wasn't I reaping the benefits of all this hard work? Why was my world in chaos and crumbling around me?
Because it takes two, sweetheart!
I found out that I could not manage or control this beast... more importantly, it was foolhardy to even try.
Once I finally shared, all sorts of support came my way! All hands on deck! However, most of the support waned as behaviors were repeated over and over, and my qualifier became nasty. Al-Anon was still there when other things/people had enough and dropped away. It was still my life-raft and the people were/are supportive and non-judgmental. It was here for me until I was strong enough to say, "Enough!" And it continues to be here for me... "It works if you work it!"
So my opinion of sharing is that it is beneficial. Things that stay secretive gain power. And having your burdens lifted by sharing with supportive people, is a good thing!
TGIF MIP Peeps!! Enjoy this day!
I get free lunch provided by my boss, due to a record day this week, and I am so excited! LOL!
There was a time when we did not have the money to bring in the experts, and make timely repairs.
But we did manage to get on top of it- and to have "a rainy day fund" in case of unforeseen circumstances.
It is a really tough row to hoe...
I have undying admiration for those of us who finally make it through...
...
It's a wonder that my many angry explosions weren't worse and they were pretty darn bad. Even before recovery, I could slice/dice another with my mouth/words and yet never, ever know how to truly share. I was in a continuous reactive mode, filled with unprocessed emotions that exited my body in the form of rage and anger.
As my own family began to suffer from this disease, it was the shame that kept me fearful of getting help and sharing. Of course, when I felt the need to explode, I would try to vent with others who love me and most of my venting was full of blame of others. My denial had denial and it took time and active listening in meetings for me to find the similarities and begin to understand how I contributed. I too could be just as mean-spirited and vicious as my A(s).
What I know now and still delay at times is that talking things out with another before I am ready to explode is way more healthy. I am not sure what it is about asking for help that makes me feel inferior, yet, it happens to this day. I can't explain why something inside my wacky brain thinks (first, not lasting) I should have 'the answers' by now....Ego? Pride? Truly not sure yet still improving in this area.
What I am learning as I grow/change is other people on this planet also feel good about being of service - it's not just a recovery thing! When I crashed my car and was afraid to drive earlier this year, I sent a message to my volunteer team asking for rides for my shifts. Every single person, except one, offered me rides whether they were active that day or not. It was heart-warming to see the responses! I made chocolate chip cookies as thank you(s) fresh each day....of course I had my fair share too.
Happy Friday all - we have sunshine, warm weather and finally - a reprieve from some strong winds - a lovely, lovely day. And yes, I did spend it on the golf course, because...why not? Hope you're having a great day!
Dear Freetime
Thank you so much.gor your service to.this group
The issue of a leaking faucet is very apt for me. The apartment building I live in is being renovated. One of the primary.reasons for the rennovation was and still is (the rennovation is ongoing) the leaking pipes in the walls. Those leaking pipes have caused structural damage to the building
Needless to.say the rennovation is a costly and extremely complicated process
Please take note that the same metaphor applies to living surrounded by alcoholism. The stigma and cumulative damage caused by alcoholism affects the entire structure of my life
I grew up in alcoholism. I married into alcoholism. I have often found myself immersed and enmeshed in situations relating to.alcoholism
So for me personally it was not enough to talk about just issues and be witnessed. I had to be willing to take apart ky.entire life in order to free myself from enmeshmebt. Most certainly support was part of that equation. However being listened to was only the initial step. I then had to be willing to.do the work of changing the structure of my life.
My issues did not evaporate when I left the qualifier. I believe on many levels they really began changing when I was wilimg to embrace along principles. In my case it also meant I had to seek therapy and be willing to learn new skills. Skill building is an onerous task.
I have spent the last few days at a grief conference with 60,000 other people. My ability to understand suicide (I.sm a suicide survivor) and grief has improved immeasurably
My program is related to effort. My efforts were ar one time related to mitigating the affects of alcoholism. Now my.efforts are related to changing myself and no longer focused on changing others. That is a very significant change for me. The effort I put into my.prigram is intense daily and I am fully accountable in therapy about that effort.
I go to any lengths to recover day in day out. Nothing short of any lengths will result in measurable change
Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Saturday 1st of May 2021 05:52:21 AM
Dear Freetime
Thank you so much.gor your service to.tjis group
The issue of a leaking faucet is very apt for me. The a look apartment building I live in is being renovated. One of the primsry.reasons for the rennovation was and still is (the rennovation is ongoing) the leaking pipes in the walls. Those leaking pipes have caused structural damage to the building
Needless to.say the rennovation is a costly and extremely complicated process
Please take note that the same metaphor applies to living surrounded by alcoholism. The stigma and cumulative damage caused by alcoholism affects the entire structure of my life
I grew up in alcoholism. I married into alcoholism. I have often found myself immersed and enmeshed in situations relating to.alcoholism
So for me personally it was not enough to talk about just issues and be witnessed. I had to be willing to take apart ky.entire life in order to free myself from enmeshmebt. Most certainly support was part of that equation. However being listened to was only the initial step. I then had to be willing to.do the work of changing the structure of my life.
My issues did not evaporate when I left the qualifier. I believe on many levels they really began changing when I was wilimg to embrace along principles. In my case kg also meant I had to see therapy and be willing to learn new skills
I have spent the last few days at a grief conference with 60,000 other people. My ability to understand suicide (I.sm a suicide survivor) and grief has improved immeasurably
My program is related to effort. My efforts were ar one time related to mitigating the afdects of alcoholism. Now my.effkrts are related to changing myself and no longer get focused on changing others. That is a very significant change for me. The effort I put into my.prigram is intense daily and I am fully accountable in therapy about that effort.
I go to any lengths to recover myself. Nothing short of any lengths will result in measurable change
Maresie