How to move on after Losing a loved one to Alcoholic Cirrhosis
Christie08 said
Apr 18, 2021
Hello Everyone. This is my first time posting. I lost my mom to Cirrhosis almost 10 months ago. My children and I were her main care givers the last few months of her life. It was one of the most difficult things Ive ever had to do. It was my choice to bring her home from the hospital on hospice care when the doctors told me her kidneys were now starting to fail from the liver failure. We werent allowed to visit her at the hospital because of covid restrictions and she couldnt understand why nobody was visiting her. After reviewing her medical record and go over all the tests that were done and the results of all the blood tests, I know now that I made the right choice choosing hospice and letting her spend the last few months of her life at home surrounded by loved ones. But I do regret not being there for her more in the years prior to her becoming so sick. I shut her out of my life because her alcoholism was starting to affect my children. She would show up drunk to the kids soccer games and cus at the coaches for making bad calls! the kids would wait for her on Christmas Day with home made gifts/flowers for her and she wouldnt show up because she was too drunk to drive. So I pretty much shut her out of my life until she chose to get sober, not realizing how much she needed help with getting sober. At that time I thought to myself, weve been here before. She needs tough love, and she will get sober. She never did.
Im not a big drinker. And with my moms passing I rarely drink now. I saw what alcohol did to her and thats the last thing I want for my children. But lately I dont even like going to parties or gatherings. I sit around and watch the same people drinking and find myself thinking eventually he will have cirrhosis, and so will that one, and so on. It makes me sad and I would much rather be out on a hike with my dogs Or at home watching a movie in my PJs on a Friday night. Did I mention I just turned 40? lol. Most friends my age are out on the weekends or having bbqs of some sort where theres always alcohol. So on the weekends I find myself now working on the house, hanging with the kids and my dogs. Is this normal?
Debb said
Apr 18, 2021
Welcome to MIP {{Christie08}}! Glad you found us to share with.
You are quite normal indeed, because you are doing what feels right for you and your family!
If you are feeling guilty about the "tough love" that you had to exhibit with your Mom, it is understandable,
but we learn in Al-Anon that you did not cause, nor can you cure or control the alcoholic, so I feel you did
the right thing for you and your children. No one can control the disease. Al-Anon would be a great way
for you (and there is AlaTeen as well for the children) to better understand and detach from the disease
so that you can have closure.
This link could help you find local chapters, it would be nice to have local support.
In the meantime, you are so welcome to join us anytime you need to talk.
Freetime said
Apr 18, 2021
Welcome, Christie. I am so sorry for your loss. I too have lost someone to the effects of alcoholism. At first, I also felt triggered by anything to do with alcohol, and would mentally predict the futures of people I thought drank too much. You are not alone.
Is it normal to prefer staying home and away from events with alcohol? In my experience, it's a normal reaction to the painful situations we have lived through with our alcoholic loved one. It's a form of self-care, to protect ourselves. With time and healing, I regained my ability to detach from other people's drinking, and to enjoy social events. Although if there was drunkenness, I would probably leave, because I have the freedom to choose to take care of myself.
I found tremendous comfort in the Al-Anon community. In meetings, I could be honest about my feelings, and was not judged or given unwanted advice. Long story short, working the Al-Anon program has helped my forgive myself, and thus forgive my loved one. This frees me to live a happy, serene life. This did not happen fast-- it took time and work. But I want you to know there was hope for me, and I believe there is hope for you too.
Keep coming back!
a4l said
Apr 19, 2021
God bless you for being compassionate and rising to be a good daughter and human being . If it were only as easy to help an alcoholic get sober, we wouldn't have alanon worldwide. From the outside I don't beleive you could have done more than what you did and you did a lot more than many are capable of. Time takes time as the saying goes. Be gentle with yourself. I don't know you but I'm very touched by the love in your story.
I don't think it's abnormal to avoid alcohol situations when one's life has been deeply marred by alcohol use and abuse. Having grown up with it myself and being surrounded by it and it's isms currently I know what I'm missing out on and I hope to miss out on it for the rest of my life lol. Take good care.
Iamhere said
Apr 19, 2021
Welcome to MIP Christie - glad you found us and so glad that you shared. I'm so sorry for the loss you and your family have suffered because of this disease. It is cunning, powerful, progressive and deadly if not treated. I've lost family members in the same way and it baffles the mind that the threat of death to one is not 'enough' to encourage recovery. For me, this just shows how utterly strong the disease is in those affected.
You did great. There is not a single thing you could have done to cure, control, change, heal your mom. For me, it's in Al-Anon recovery that I've learned that no matter what has happened, what I have done, what another has done, etc. - I can't change the past, only learn from it.
As far as how you grieve, heal and deal with your loss, there's no wrong answers. I have been in your shoes, watching the drinking around me, wondering why some can't handle it and others can, analyzing who will do what, etc. I believe it's just part of the processing we go through simply because it's very, very hard to accept alcoholism as a disease vs. a choice. I say you do whatever feels like the next right thing and give yourself time/space to deal and heal.
We often forget as we progress through life that there really are no perfect paths to peace. Loss, grief, sadness, etc. - we each handle it differently and there's no perfect path or perfect process to get to the other side. Be gentle with yourself and be kind. Most of all, keep coming back - there is always hope and healing in recovery!!
mamalioness said
Apr 20, 2021
Dear Christie. I support you in what you did, dissociation from your mom when she was drinking because you were taking care of yourself and your children. I hope you can come to terms with sometimes we have to make tough decisions to take care of ourselves and the little ones, I detached from my alcoholic mother to for a long time and then towards the end I did have the best two years that I could have had with her we rode bikes together we did all kinds of stuff together and then she was suddenly gone. But anyway getting back to you, I hope you can forgive yourself for doing the right thing. Your children were little and minor children and they needed to be the priority. You did the right thing bringing her home and loving her and caring for her as many people would not do that. They would not go through the Hassle Of taking care of a dying loved one but you did. I admire you reading this post. I dont know you from Adam but I completely hold you in the highest respect for this, protecting your children when they needed protection and then stepping up when she began to die to take care of her. I wish there were more people like you
Maresie888 said
Apr 21, 2021
2 years is about the time spoken by grief experts for major grief. Losing your parent isi a major.event
Grieving can be done in groups. Hospice programs have grief programs
Many of those.grouos are conducted virtually. There are also many books on grief that are really helpful. While there are various stages to grief they do not occur sequentially.
Grieving a parent is pretty tough in your case you are grieving a mother.you never had.
Then there is the issue that 'you stopped.your.life and.brougt your mother.home.
I have lost several people to substance abuse in the past few years. I went to a grief group that was conducted virtually for a few weeks. That group was.enormousky helpful. They have numerous strategies and techniques in saying goodbye
So you are in fact totally normal. You are grieving a major loss in your life. Your mother died prematurely from alcoholism. Your children lost their grandparent. That is a major.major loss.
You can most certainly find strategies to help.you. I am amazed by how much going to classes and groups about grief have helped me. Two years is the timeline you are looking at to get through the initial stages of grief
Be good to yourself. Get support from people who are working through grief. Get strategies and skills. All of these will help you.
Maresie
JerryF said
Apr 22, 2021
Christie welcome to the MIP family; the other family you are a part of because of the disease we are all affected by, mind, body, spirit and emotions. I was born into this disease and when I reached the doors of Al-Anon and then the MIP I knew absolutely nothing about what was driving me crazy and killing me and my alcoholic/Addict family of nature and the marriage I was in at the time.
The very very best guidence I got from Al-Anon and MIP was to keep coming back, keep and open mind, listen...learn and practice. That is what worked for me and I was encouraged to pass it on to those who came after.
Please keep coming back...this works when you work it and the peace of mind and serenity that comes as reward is very very valueable. ((((hugs))))
Jen61 said
May 5, 2021
I do not drink either. I would have a glass of wine once in a while but not anymore.
DavidG said
May 5, 2021
We live in a culture where, on the average, drinking is the norm.
I went without tea or coffee for two years- and this tended to isolate me too.
i have drunk alcohol three or four times in the last 5 years.
Hello Everyone. This is my first time posting. I lost my mom to Cirrhosis almost 10 months ago. My children and I were her main care givers the last few months of her life. It was one of the most difficult things Ive ever had to do. It was my choice to bring her home from the hospital on hospice care when the doctors told me her kidneys were now starting to fail from the liver failure. We werent allowed to visit her at the hospital because of covid restrictions and she couldnt understand why nobody was visiting her. After reviewing her medical record and go over all the tests that were done and the results of all the blood tests, I know now that I made the right choice choosing hospice and letting her spend the last few months of her life at home surrounded by loved ones. But I do regret not being there for her more in the years prior to her becoming so sick. I shut her out of my life because her alcoholism was starting to affect my children. She would show up drunk to the kids soccer games and cus at the coaches for making bad calls! the kids would wait for her on Christmas Day with home made gifts/flowers for her and she wouldnt show up because she was too drunk to drive. So I pretty much shut her out of my life until she chose to get sober, not realizing how much she needed help with getting sober. At that time I thought to myself, weve been here before. She needs tough love, and she will get sober. She never did.
Im not a big drinker. And with my moms passing I rarely drink now. I saw what alcohol did to her and thats the last thing I want for my children. But lately I dont even like going to parties or gatherings. I sit around and watch the same people drinking and find myself thinking eventually he will have cirrhosis, and so will that one, and so on. It makes me sad and I would much rather be out on a hike with my dogs Or at home watching a movie in my PJs on a Friday night. Did I mention I just turned 40? lol. Most friends my age are out on the weekends or having bbqs of some sort where theres always alcohol. So on the weekends I find myself now working on the house, hanging with the kids and my dogs. Is this normal?
You are quite normal indeed, because you are doing what feels right for you and your family!
If you are feeling guilty about the "tough love" that you had to exhibit with your Mom, it is understandable,
but we learn in Al-Anon that you did not cause, nor can you cure or control the alcoholic, so I feel you did
the right thing for you and your children. No one can control the disease. Al-Anon would be a great way
for you (and there is AlaTeen as well for the children) to better understand and detach from the disease
so that you can have closure.
This link could help you find local chapters, it would be nice to have local support.
al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/
In the meantime, you are so welcome to join us anytime you need to talk.
Is it normal to prefer staying home and away from events with alcohol? In my experience, it's a normal reaction to the painful situations we have lived through with our alcoholic loved one. It's a form of self-care, to protect ourselves. With time and healing, I regained my ability to detach from other people's drinking, and to enjoy social events. Although if there was drunkenness, I would probably leave, because I have the freedom to choose to take care of myself.
I found tremendous comfort in the Al-Anon community. In meetings, I could be honest about my feelings, and was not judged or given unwanted advice. Long story short, working the Al-Anon program has helped my forgive myself, and thus forgive my loved one. This frees me to live a happy, serene life. This did not happen fast-- it took time and work. But I want you to know there was hope for me, and I believe there is hope for you too.
Keep coming back!
I don't think it's abnormal to avoid alcohol situations when one's life has been deeply marred by alcohol use and abuse. Having grown up with it myself and being surrounded by it and it's isms currently I know what I'm missing out on and I hope to miss out on it for the rest of my life lol. Take good care.
You did great. There is not a single thing you could have done to cure, control, change, heal your mom. For me, it's in Al-Anon recovery that I've learned that no matter what has happened, what I have done, what another has done, etc. - I can't change the past, only learn from it.
As far as how you grieve, heal and deal with your loss, there's no wrong answers. I have been in your shoes, watching the drinking around me, wondering why some can't handle it and others can, analyzing who will do what, etc. I believe it's just part of the processing we go through simply because it's very, very hard to accept alcoholism as a disease vs. a choice. I say you do whatever feels like the next right thing and give yourself time/space to deal and heal.
We often forget as we progress through life that there really are no perfect paths to peace. Loss, grief, sadness, etc. - we each handle it differently and there's no perfect path or perfect process to get to the other side. Be gentle with yourself and be kind. Most of all, keep coming back - there is always hope and healing in recovery!!
2 years is about the time spoken by grief experts for major grief. Losing your parent isi a major.event
Grieving can be done in groups. Hospice programs have grief programs
Many of those.grouos are conducted virtually. There are also many books on grief that are really helpful. While there are various stages to grief they do not occur sequentially.
Grieving a parent is pretty tough in your case you are grieving a mother.you never had.
Then there is the issue that 'you stopped.your.life and.brougt your mother.home.
I have lost several people to substance abuse in the past few years. I went to a grief group that was conducted virtually for a few weeks. That group was.enormousky helpful. They have numerous strategies and techniques in saying goodbye
So you are in fact totally normal. You are grieving a major loss in your life. Your mother died prematurely from alcoholism. Your children lost their grandparent. That is a major.major loss.
You can most certainly find strategies to help.you. I am amazed by how much going to classes and groups about grief have helped me. Two years is the timeline you are looking at to get through the initial stages of grief
Be good to yourself. Get support from people who are working through grief. Get strategies and skills. All of these will help you.
Maresie
Christie welcome to the MIP family; the other family you are a part of because of the disease we are all affected by, mind, body, spirit and emotions. I was born into this disease and when I reached the doors of Al-Anon and then the MIP I knew absolutely nothing about what was driving me crazy and killing me and my alcoholic/Addict family of nature and the marriage I was in at the time.
The very very best guidence I got from Al-Anon and MIP was to keep coming back, keep and open mind, listen...learn and practice. That is what worked for me and I was encouraged to pass it on to those who came after.
Please keep coming back...this works when you work it and the peace of mind and serenity that comes as reward is very very valueable. ((((hugs))))
I went without tea or coffee for two years- and this tended to isolate me too.
i have drunk alcohol three or four times in the last 5 years.