I feel the need for a little background to set the stage. My mom is and was an alcoholic my entire life. My father, though he was not in my life until the age of 27 and died in 2016, was also an alcoholic. My mother always felt the need to fill some hole in her life with men. All the men that she dated/married while I lived with her, until age 11 when I moved in with my grandmother because of what was going on, were also alcoholics and violent. At the age of 6, I was put into the situation of having to be an adult child because of the things that were going on.
Now because of what happened with my father, I am in a precarious situation. Growing up I didn't realize just how entitled and narcissistic my mother was, but now that I'm an adult I can see it clearly. That doesn't mean I don't still love her. She refuses to accept that she has a problem, though. She refuses to change or get help. My sister, who has a different father than I, has cut ties with my mother. They live in the same state, I live in a different one. That does help with being away from her toxic behavior. I have made the decision that if she blows up at me one more time then I will cut ties with her as well, but that doesn't leave me with a good taste in my mouth. She is my last living parent! I want to have a relationship with her. I want her to have a relationship with my son, but I also want those relationships to be healthy. Hence the feeling of being stuck.
Debb said
Apr 16, 2021
{{Goddessofwriting}} Welcome to MIP and thank you for trusting us to share your thoughts and experiences.
We learn in Al-Anon to essentially accept that we did not cause, can not control nor cure the alcoholic in our lives.
With that being said, we move to the essential mind set that we live our lives in a way that makes us happy
without the expectations that the alcoholic can add to it. It is up to us to set our own personal boundaries as to
what we can/will accept and what we cannot, it is different for everyone.
Hope you continue to chat with us!!
-- Edited by Debb on Friday 16th of April 2021 09:03:11 AM
a4l said
Apr 16, 2021
I've found that having a relationship with an alcoholic and or narcissistic parent is possible provided you understand it may not be the relationship you want; ie a warm, loving and respectful one. My own narcissistic mother demands full obedience and subservience to her skewed alcoholic viewpoints. When she doesn't get It, she becomes abusive, manipulative and is not above leaking her toxicity to her grandchildren. There is a sense of obligation I feel toward her nonetheless. I can relate to a lot of your share. If there were therapy available to me in my location to navigate this relationship even now at the age of 40, I would take it. Take care.
DavidG said
Apr 16, 2021
Hi Goddess... I always love writing... and I read a lot when i was a kid.
It gave me an idea- of getting through a lot of awful stuff.
In Alanon I learned about detachment. it now not about isolation myself- quite the opposite.
Learning to love the person, while hating the disease. We do not want our lives to turn out the
same way. But what chance to we have? The twists and turns of words help me. They help me
to reframe how I see the world- and how I think. They help me to release my frozen emotions.
Being around a group- both online, and face 2 face helps me to create new norms. It helps me
to create boundaries- that did not exist for me before. An ability to trust. So see a world that
is more predictable. ... ... ...
JerryF said
Apr 16, 2021
Aloha Goddess and welcome to the family. This is my family while I admit I wass born and raised into the other side of addiction to alcoholism and drug addiction. My family of origin did not know the words alcoholism and addiction and I didn't either till I got here....I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know until I found the front door my first Al-Anon meeting and was able to sit down and just listen with my poorly educated mind. You can tell by my welcome that I am not american born...I come from islands in the Pacific and thoughts, feelings and action regarding alcohol and drinking were just reduced to the word "drunk" and I was punished severely if I used that word in addressing a parent or family member....it was a moral judgement and wrong.
I needed another family and after years found Al-Anon and have stayed and listened and practiced, practiced, practice and attached my mind, body, spirit and emotions to every source of suggested help including college, sponsors, and much more. I've spent years doing service to others who were like me and reached out for help...I continue to do that along with practicing the program on a daily basis using many of the tools provided.
I am glad you are here and as previously offered I hope you continue to return and learn from this family fellowship.
Bless the sick alcoholic family members you have been use to. ((((hugs))))
Ileana said
Apr 17, 2021
Hi Goddess, welcome here.
I understand and relate with you.
You don't have to make a final decision about being or not being in a relationship.
You can decide just for today what you are willing to take and what you are not willing to take. You can decide just for today if you answer the phone or not, if you contact someone or not. It's not black and white.
I learned that I could only deal with the present, and on known terms, but can't guess what people will do tomorrow and how they will evolve.
We are here to support you, and writing is a mervelous tool for listening to yourself and defining what serves you and what doesn't.
One day at a time,
Hugs,
Iamhere said
Apr 17, 2021
Welcome to MIP Goddess - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I can relate to feeling stuck and it's not a comfortable place for me. I've always been a doer, high-energy, problem-solving kind of gal so feeling stuck just doesn't compute in my brain.
Alcoholism is a family disease, also progressive. It's considered cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. Most of the time, all family members are affected - often in ways unknown. There's a ton of information on the official Al-Anon website about the disease, the diseased, the family, the cycle, etc. There's also a ton of information about our illness and our recovery from the affects of the disease.
Each person deals/heals differently, yet we use the same/similar tools. There is no right/wrong answer - we just share our ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) with each other and practice what's suggested. The only way I know how to move when I feel stuck is to focus on me and my needs/recovery, and take some action - large or small.
Please know you are not alone and there is hope and help in recovery. Keep coming back!!
goddessofwriting said
Apr 17, 2021
My husband suggested that since I have space away from my mother and don't talk to her often, I don't have to make any hard decisions about my relationship with her. I just need to grieve the loss of the relationship that I thought I was going to have with her and accept what is and love her for where she is when I deal with her.
I'm in therapy even at my age of 38.
DavidG said
Apr 17, 2021
Profound, Goddess... ... ... ...
Debb said
Apr 17, 2021
Glad for you {{Goddessofwriting}} that you see an emotionally acceptable path to acceptance that
sounds like will give you the answers you need, with time. Your husband sounds very wise.
Please let us know how you are doing.
a4l said
Apr 17, 2021
Smart goddess keep coming back.
PosiesandPuppies said
Apr 18, 2021
I just wanted to also welcome you to MIP.
I also wanted to say it's "OK" to be in therapy, no matter the age!
Sometimes humans need that outside opinion to see beyond what is in our brains!
Maresie888 said
Apr 19, 2021
Welcome Goddess
Grieving the loss of a parent is an ongoing task. Of course we want to have a mother when we are an adult
My.own parents never had one day of normality
I.soent a lot of time in theraoy coming to terms with
my.oarents. I am still coming to terms with my oarents and my family.of origin. I am still in therap
Al anon can certainly give you a lot of helo. Al anon has many tools that are really helpful
I feel the need for a little background to set the stage. My mom is and was an alcoholic my entire life. My father, though he was not in my life until the age of 27 and died in 2016, was also an alcoholic. My mother always felt the need to fill some hole in her life with men. All the men that she dated/married while I lived with her, until age 11 when I moved in with my grandmother because of what was going on, were also alcoholics and violent. At the age of 6, I was put into the situation of having to be an adult child because of the things that were going on.
Now because of what happened with my father, I am in a precarious situation. Growing up I didn't realize just how entitled and narcissistic my mother was, but now that I'm an adult I can see it clearly. That doesn't mean I don't still love her. She refuses to accept that she has a problem, though. She refuses to change or get help. My sister, who has a different father than I, has cut ties with my mother. They live in the same state, I live in a different one. That does help with being away from her toxic behavior. I have made the decision that if she blows up at me one more time then I will cut ties with her as well, but that doesn't leave me with a good taste in my mouth. She is my last living parent! I want to have a relationship with her. I want her to have a relationship with my son, but I also want those relationships to be healthy. Hence the feeling of being stuck.
{{Goddessofwriting}} Welcome to MIP and thank you for trusting us to share your thoughts
and experiences.
We learn in Al-Anon to essentially accept that we did not cause, can not control nor cure the alcoholic in our lives.
With that being said, we move to the essential mind set that we live our lives in a way that makes us happy
without the expectations that the alcoholic can add to it. It is up to us to set our own personal boundaries as to
what we can/will accept and what we cannot, it is different for everyone.
Hope you continue to chat with us!!
-- Edited by Debb on Friday 16th of April 2021 09:03:11 AM
It gave me an idea- of getting through a lot of awful stuff.
In Alanon I learned about detachment. it now not about isolation myself- quite the opposite.
Learning to love the person, while hating the disease. We do not want our lives to turn out the
same way. But what chance to we have? The twists and turns of words help me. They help me
to reframe how I see the world- and how I think. They help me to release my frozen emotions.
Being around a group- both online, and face 2 face helps me to create new norms. It helps me
to create boundaries- that did not exist for me before. An ability to trust. So see a world that
is more predictable.
... ... ...
Aloha Goddess and welcome to the family. This is my family while I admit I wass born and raised into the other side of addiction to alcoholism and drug addiction. My family of origin did not know the words alcoholism and addiction and I didn't either till I got here....I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know until I found the front door my first Al-Anon meeting and was able to sit down and just listen with my poorly educated mind. You can tell by my welcome that I am not american born...I come from islands in the Pacific and thoughts, feelings and action regarding alcohol and drinking were just reduced to the word "drunk" and I was punished severely if I used that word in addressing a parent or family member....it was a moral judgement and wrong.
I needed another family and after years found Al-Anon and have stayed and listened and practiced, practiced, practice and attached my mind, body, spirit and emotions to every source of suggested help including college, sponsors, and much more. I've spent years doing service to others who were like me and reached out for help...I continue to do that along with practicing the program on a daily basis using many of the tools provided.
I am glad you are here and as previously offered I hope you continue to return and learn from this family fellowship.
Bless the sick alcoholic family members you have been use to. ((((hugs))))
I understand and relate with you.
You don't have to make a final decision about being or not being in a relationship.
You can decide just for today what you are willing to take and what you are not willing to take. You can decide just for today if you answer the phone or not, if you contact someone or not. It's not black and white.
I learned that I could only deal with the present, and on known terms, but can't guess what people will do tomorrow and how they will evolve.
We are here to support you, and writing is a mervelous tool for listening to yourself and defining what serves you and what doesn't.
One day at a time,
Hugs,
Alcoholism is a family disease, also progressive. It's considered cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. Most of the time, all family members are affected - often in ways unknown. There's a ton of information on the official Al-Anon website about the disease, the diseased, the family, the cycle, etc. There's also a ton of information about our illness and our recovery from the affects of the disease.
Each person deals/heals differently, yet we use the same/similar tools. There is no right/wrong answer - we just share our ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) with each other and practice what's suggested. The only way I know how to move when I feel stuck is to focus on me and my needs/recovery, and take some action - large or small.
Please know you are not alone and there is hope and help in recovery. Keep coming back!!
I'm in therapy even at my age of 38.
sounds like will give you the answers you need, with time. Your husband sounds very wise.
Please let us know how you are doing.
I also wanted to say it's "OK" to be in therapy, no matter the age!
Sometimes humans need that outside opinion to see beyond what is in our brains!
Welcome Goddess
Grieving the loss of a parent is an ongoing task. Of course we want to have a mother when we are an adult
My.own parents never had one day of normality
I.soent a lot of time in theraoy coming to terms with
my.oarents. I am still coming to terms with my oarents and my family.of origin. I am still in therap
Al anon can certainly give you a lot of helo. Al anon has many tools that are really helpful
The other big noon to.al anon is acceptance
I am glad you are here. Welcome
Maresie