I'm taking a big personal risk here, I desperately need to share my resentments from a Step 4 I'm doing,
I'm not comfortable with having a sponsor, the past showed me I make bad choices, I am
more comfortable with the idea of being read by a group of fellow travelers (in the hope that someone will hear me).
So I am posting a couple of resentments, if this is not appropriate I apologize, I just need to know someone is reading me ...
can't do this alone, thank you so much for reading me,
Thank you so much for bearing with me, this is a matter of life and death for me, this is a call for help with this...
I just need to feel heard and not judged or offered advice ...
Thank you ...
I resent :
My father never cared about me, he never showed me any interest unless I would do everything he wanted me to do (education choices, interests, opinions, etc.)
The Cause:
That is how he was raised, he was taught that children were like a blank sheet where parents could write what they wanted and that he could make me intoe everything by threatening with emotional abandonment
Affects
My self esteem, my identity, the beliefs I had about myself, my selt trust, my self confidence, my ability to relate to others
My reaction
I try to hide who I really was so that dad wouldn't abandon me; I become self sufficient and self righteous so that people won't see how low my selfesteem was
I became an introvert, I rejected people to keep them at distance, I gave up friends and I gave up hope too; I became depressed
I resent :
I resent God for letting that my country of origin stay in poverty and opression under communist dictature for 50 years; Where was God during that time? Oftem people in my country of origin sayd God doesn't even know they existed
The Cause:
Only HP knows
Affects
self worth
My reaction
I feel ashamed, I feel flawed, I feel 'less than' certainly less deserving than people that were born in wealthier countries or under better material and emotional conditions
I erased myself in order not to bother anyone; all my life I tryed to proove my worth to others, allwhile being convinced deep inside that I have no worth at all
-- Edited by Ileana on Friday 16th of April 2021 07:42:06 AM
Debb said
Apr 16, 2021
{{Ileana}}
These resentments, would be very troubling for me as well so I am so sorry you are experiencing
such difficulty.
I am not a psychologist, but wanted to acknowledge your need for a response to this post and did
some research in order to maybe help point you in the right directions.
1- Practice Self-Compassion
If self-doubt is holding you back from taking a leap with your career or in another aspect of your life, it helps to remember that we are all human. We all make mistakes along the way and its okay to do so. When we doubt our abilities, its often because we dont want to make any room for mistakes. However, mistakes are also how we learn and grow. We can mitigate self-doubt and fear of failure by practicing being kind to ourselves, no matter the outcome.
2- Remember Your Past Achievements
Remember when you may have been scared to do something, in school or work, but it actually ended up going really well? It helps to reflect on concrete achievements where something challenging for us turned into something great. A lot of achievements are born out of initial uncertainty or doubt. It helps to remind ourselves about the times that things have gone right, because the same thing could happen in the present moment.
On the flip side, its good to not focus too much on the past or past failures we might have had. The present moment is a new opportunity to do well, even if things didnt go right the first time.
3- Try to Not Compare Yourself to Others
They say that comparison is the thief of joy. This saying rings true in many ways. If youre experiencing self-doubt because youre afraid you wont accomplish something at the same level as someone else, then it can be a paralyzing feeling. Everyones journey and ideas of success are different. What we can control and focus on is our own path and where we want to take it, regardless of where other people are at or what they have done.
4- Be Mindful of Your Thinking
When negative thoughts begin to creep in, sometimes they are hard to recognize because we become so used to them. Imposter syndrome thrives off of these negative thoughts that tell us that we arent worthy of the place were at or that we wont produce good work. Next time these thoughts persist, take a moment and ask yourself if you really believe that they are true. Consider how positive thinking may shift your mindset and allow you to be more confident in your abilities.
5- Spend Time With Supportive People
The friends and family members in our lives who believe in us and everything that were capable of will always be on our side. When youre feeling self-doubt, surround yourself with these people. They can remind you of how talented and resilient you are during times when youre not feeling that way about yourself.
6- Find Validation From Within
While its great to feel reassured from others that we are doing a good job or that we are capable of accomplishing a difficult task, its equally important to have our own faith in ourselves. Constant reassurance doesnt mean much if we still dont believe in ourselves. Even if we arent the most confident about where were at, its good to practice being accepting of our strengths and all that we have to offer.
7- Remember That Youre The Harshest Critic
Would you doubt a friend who took on a new job or for the way they parent their kids the same way that you doubt yourself.? The answer is likely no. We will always be the harshest critic for ourselves. Its a nice reminder to treat ourselves with the same kindness and compassion that we have for others, instead of being so critical on ourselves.
8- Identify Your Values
Take a moment to assess your values and what matters most to you. It may be that youre kind to others, youre a good friend, or that you contribute to something meaningful in your life. When we recognize these values and what truly matters to us, the fear of criticism from others falls by the wayside. And when we live aligned with our values, it doesnt feel as detrimental to be criticized or make mistakes.
9- Keep a Journal
Journaling is always a therapeutic exercise to practice. Writing down your thoughts of self-doubt or experiences with imposter syndrome onto paper might be a good release. You may even realize after you see your concerns written down, that they may not be as detrimental as you thought they were. This can help to gradually overcome self-doubt.
10-Seek Professional Help
It may help to see a mental health professional to overcome self-doubt if these feelings persist to the point that makes it difficult for you to function in everyday life. Therapy can help us feel understood and give us tools to alleviate feelings of doubt. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a popular form of therapy that can help specifically with self-doubt. With CBT, we can learn methods to challenge problematic ways of thinking that may lead to an improved mood and overall well being.
Please seek professional help and please keep talking with us on MIP.
Iamhere said
Apr 16, 2021
I hear you. You are not alone. Keep leaning into your program/progress and more will be revealed. It is my hope for you that you find the courage to get a sponsor so you've got personal support for your step work.
PosiesandPuppies said
Apr 16, 2021
I read you. I even understand those resentments. You are brave to write them down. You acknowledged them... the first step.
&
Ileana said
Apr 16, 2021
Thank you everyone that is exactly what I needed so much ...
Maresie888 said
Apr 20, 2021
Ileana
I.most certainly had my.share of bad choices. Really bad choices
However when it came to getting a sponsor I found oeopke who.were incred UK boy generous with their time. They were also incredibly.patient
I can relate very much to having a family who were tremendously dysfunctional
I have struggled with those issues for a long time
I think it is a very difficult job to admit the truth about our families.
As regards to HP my family most certainly had a very negative.and punitive view of.God. Their spirituality was bleak. So was mine. In al anon we embrace a higher.poser.of our understanding. I most certainly have had issues with why did I have to deal with my family. Why did I have.to negotiate some.situations I have. At the same time I have most certainly felt the loving presence of a higher power.
This higher power is not punitive. This higher.power has a vested interest in me. Most of all this higher.power has immense compassion for my life.
I am so relieved to be able to have a higher power of my understanding.
MARESIE
DavidG said
Apr 20, 2021
Phew! Some of the key members honoured your post here, Ileana.
I think we are all still exploring the dimensions of recovery here. [Not always a substitute for F2F meetings?]
I always felt i need four of five meetings week. So a single group could hold these meetings to give everyone
a chance to attend and the share- when they need to. A group like this is perfect for the purpose! ...
mamalioness said
Apr 20, 2021
Dear Debbie, thank you so much for posting what you did. I am reading it and digesting it as I am my worst and harshest critic, I have complex PTSD and so it is difficult because it also has attention deficit with it and I, lots of times, cannot slow down and pay attention and I do these stupid things and I get on me so severely and harshly. I have taken to journaling and it is a form of release and I am releasing the anger And resentment of my own life, I had such a horrible childhood and then the mental illness after that and of course the complex PTSD and needing to be in control, been fear-based, its easy to get down on me so I am journaling and basically doing the left hand right hand communication with my wound itself and it is helping me release a lot of old old stuff that has been decomposing in my spirit for a long time
I just wanted to thank you for posting this excellent list of things that I need to work on myself
Maresie888 said
Apr 20, 2021
Dear Ileana
As someone who.was in recovery.in Alcoholics reminded me the inventory is s chance to look.at your strengths as well. The statistics are that most people in recovery do not do a 4th step
I.certainky.got stuck on mone. One of the issues being if I were to write down all my resentments. Particularly of my parents I would be writing for a long time
Then I .met my friend who certainly had goidvsibriety in AA. He informed me that part of the 4th step is assessing our strengths
I.am sure you have ma t strengths. I know zi would not be writing those out for very long. I am far less resentful these days. I am far better at discarding some resentments.
Hi everyone,
I'm taking a big personal risk here, I desperately need to share my resentments from a Step 4 I'm doing,
I'm not comfortable with having a sponsor, the past showed me I make bad choices, I am
more comfortable with the idea of being read by a group of fellow travelers (in the hope that someone will hear me).
So I am posting a couple of resentments, if this is not appropriate I apologize, I just need to know someone is reading me ...
can't do this alone, thank you so much for reading me,
Thank you so much for bearing with me, this is a matter of life and death for me, this is a call for help with this...
I just need to feel heard and not judged or offered advice ...
Thank you ...
I resent :
My father never cared about me, he never showed me any interest unless I would do everything he wanted me to do (education choices, interests, opinions, etc.)
The Cause:
That is how he was raised, he was taught that children were like a blank sheet where parents could write what they wanted and that he could make me intoe everything by threatening with emotional abandonment
Affects
My self esteem, my identity, the beliefs I had about myself, my selt trust, my self confidence, my ability to relate to others
My reaction
I try to hide who I really was so that dad wouldn't abandon me; I become self sufficient and self righteous so that people won't see how low my selfesteem was
I became an introvert, I rejected people to keep them at distance, I gave up friends and I gave up hope too; I became depressed
I resent :
I resent God for letting that my country of origin stay in poverty and opression under communist dictature for 50 years; Where was God during that time? Oftem people in my country of origin sayd God doesn't even know they existed
The Cause:
Only HP knows
Affects
self worth
My reaction
I feel ashamed, I feel flawed, I feel 'less than' certainly less deserving than people that were born in wealthier countries or under better material and emotional conditions
I erased myself in order not to bother anyone; all my life I tryed to proove my worth to others, allwhile being convinced deep inside that I have no worth at all
-- Edited by Ileana on Friday 16th of April 2021 07:42:06 AM
These resentments, would be very troubling for me as well so I am so sorry you are experiencing
such difficulty.
I am not a psychologist, but wanted to acknowledge your need for a response to this post and did
some research in order to maybe help point you in the right directions.
Found this list at eugenetherapy.com/article/overcome-self-doubt/
1- Practice Self-Compassion
If self-doubt is holding you back from taking a leap with your career or in another aspect of your life, it helps to remember that we are all human. We all make mistakes along the way and its okay to do so. When we doubt our abilities, its often because we dont want to make any room for mistakes. However, mistakes are also how we learn and grow. We can mitigate self-doubt and fear of failure by practicing being kind to ourselves, no matter the outcome.
2- Remember Your Past Achievements
Remember when you may have been scared to do something, in school or work, but it actually ended up going really well? It helps to reflect on concrete achievements where something challenging for us turned into something great. A lot of achievements are born out of initial uncertainty or doubt. It helps to remind ourselves about the times that things have gone right, because the same thing could happen in the present moment.
On the flip side, its good to not focus too much on the past or past failures we might have had. The present moment is a new opportunity to do well, even if things didnt go right the first time.
3- Try to Not Compare Yourself to Others
They say that comparison is the thief of joy. This saying rings true in many ways. If youre experiencing self-doubt because youre afraid you wont accomplish something at the same level as someone else, then it can be a paralyzing feeling. Everyones journey and ideas of success are different. What we can control and focus on is our own path and where we want to take it, regardless of where other people are at or what they have done.
4- Be Mindful of Your Thinking
When negative thoughts begin to creep in, sometimes they are hard to recognize because we become so used to them. Imposter syndrome thrives off of these negative thoughts that tell us that we arent worthy of the place were at or that we wont produce good work. Next time these thoughts persist, take a moment and ask yourself if you really believe that they are true. Consider how positive thinking may shift your mindset and allow you to be more confident in your abilities.
5- Spend Time With Supportive People
The friends and family members in our lives who believe in us and everything that were capable of will always be on our side. When youre feeling self-doubt, surround yourself with these people. They can remind you of how talented and resilient you are during times when youre not feeling that way about yourself.
6- Find Validation From Within
While its great to feel reassured from others that we are doing a good job or that we are capable of accomplishing a difficult task, its equally important to have our own faith in ourselves. Constant reassurance doesnt mean much if we still dont believe in ourselves. Even if we arent the most confident about where were at, its good to practice being accepting of our strengths and all that we have to offer.
7- Remember That Youre The Harshest Critic
Would you doubt a friend who took on a new job or for the way they parent their kids the same way that you doubt yourself.? The answer is likely no. We will always be the harshest critic for ourselves. Its a nice reminder to treat ourselves with the same kindness and compassion that we have for others, instead of being so critical on ourselves.
8- Identify Your Values
Take a moment to assess your values and what matters most to you. It may be that youre kind to others, youre a good friend, or that you contribute to something meaningful in your life. When we recognize these values and what truly matters to us, the fear of criticism from others falls by the wayside. And when we live aligned with our values, it doesnt feel as detrimental to be criticized or make mistakes.
9- Keep a Journal
Journaling is always a therapeutic exercise to practice. Writing down your thoughts of self-doubt or experiences with imposter syndrome onto paper might be a good release. You may even realize after you see your concerns written down, that they may not be as detrimental as you thought they were. This can help to gradually overcome self-doubt.
10-Seek Professional Help
It may help to see a mental health professional to overcome self-doubt if these feelings persist to the point that makes it difficult for you to function in everyday life. Therapy can help us feel understood and give us tools to alleviate feelings of doubt. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a popular form of therapy that can help specifically with self-doubt. With CBT, we can learn methods to challenge problematic ways of thinking that may lead to an improved mood and overall well being.
Please seek professional help and please keep talking with us on MIP.
I read you. I even understand those resentments. You are brave to write them down. You acknowledged them... the first step.
& 
Ileana
I.most certainly had my.share of bad choices. Really bad choices
However when it came to getting a sponsor I found oeopke who.were incred UK boy generous with their time. They were also incredibly.patient
I can relate very much to having a family who were tremendously dysfunctional
I have struggled with those issues for a long time
I think it is a very difficult job to admit the truth about our families.
As regards to HP my family most certainly had a very negative.and punitive view of.God. Their spirituality was bleak. So was mine. In al anon we embrace a higher.poser.of our understanding. I most certainly have had issues with why did I have to deal with my family. Why did I have.to negotiate some.situations I have. At the same time I have most certainly felt the loving presence of a higher power.
This higher power is not punitive. This higher.power has a vested interest in me. Most of all this higher.power has immense compassion for my life.
I am so relieved to be able to have a higher power of my understanding.
MARESIE
I think we are all still exploring the dimensions of recovery here. [Not always a substitute for F2F meetings?]
I always felt i need four of five meetings week. So a single group could hold these meetings to give everyone
a chance to attend and the share- when they need to. A group like this is perfect for the purpose!
...
I just wanted to thank you for posting this excellent list of things that I need to work on myself
Dear Ileana
As someone who.was in recovery.in Alcoholics reminded me the inventory is s chance to look.at your strengths as well. The statistics are that most people in recovery do not do a 4th step
I.certainky.got stuck on mone. One of the issues being if I were to write down all my resentments. Particularly of my parents I would be writing for a long time
Then I .met my friend who certainly had goidvsibriety in AA. He informed me that part of the 4th step is assessing our strengths
I.am sure you have ma t strengths. I know zi would not be writing those out for very long. I am far less resentful these days. I am far better at discarding some resentments.
Thank you.so much for posting on the steps
Maresie