I feel sad tonight about the relationship I have with my sister.
Today we only communicate at holydays and birthdays.
I remember the times when we were young and we played together.
I was the oldest and she even thought sometimes that I was cool.
And at some point she preferred scapegoating me like my parents
did, instead of sticking with me, stick with 'us'. And then there
was no 'us' anymore, only a new offender for me, an emotional offender.
She just preferred to abandon me too.
Anything that she didn't want to accept about herself she projected
it on me ... so that she could keep a good outside image of herself.
Intelectually I know those were her projections, and her own self judgements,
all the labels she put on me.
But I just can't accept to see her how she really is. In reality I don't
know who she is. She always kept herself hidden behind bad jokes, mockeries,
humiliations, bullying, self righteounsness. I don't know what she really
enjoys to do. I can't tell what her hobbies are. I don't know her favourite
color. She still dresses like my mother, so I don't really know what
is her dressing style either. I don't know what she likes to eat.
We grew up together but we've been so apart.
I copyed our father she copyed our mother and none of us was herself.
My sister ... the real person behind this mask ... is dead for me
because I never knew her and I never will.
Good bye little sister that I never had ... just that so far I didn't
want to accept it.
In a relationship it takes too. And no matter how bad I want, no matter
how hard I try, I can never do your part in it. And it's not fair for me
to have to clean both sides of the street when only one side is mine.
One day you simply stopped seeing your older sister as 'cool' and since
then, you never saw me as a good person, you never validated me, you
never heard me, you never saw me again. And over this, I'm powerless ...
Thank you for reading me ...
Debb said
Apr 13, 2021
{{Ileana}}, I do understand how sad you must be for the loss of your childhood
relationship with your sister. It sounds like while you are sad and you know
the reasons why you feel the way you do, there is a level of acceptance with
your grief. I do know that when I feel this way about a person/family member,
I allow myself to feel that grief for a period of time and then take a step back
to realize that I am seeing and feeling what I am from my perspective, that
there are other sides to the story that are not evident to me and may never
be. Then I let go and let God, because when I do that I release those feelings
of anguish for God to deal with how she/he sees fit for my benefit.
DavidG said
Apr 13, 2021
Reading you, Ileana... ... ... ...
Maresie888 said
Apr 13, 2021
Ileana .
In my family the oarents and others okayed everyone off against each other
It is incredibly painful
My younger sister became a full on alcoholic at 16. The classic loved you drink and could not stop
She leveled out when she had children
My.family mirrored her family. My mother had a favorite. My sister had a favorite. I had no window of tolerance when I was dating with her
I.wosj Incoukd have done more grief with early in my recovery. There are ways of grieving that bring relief rather than chaot7c loss
I have a more reasonable approach to grief today
I grieve less for my family of origin
Far far less
Glad you chose to drop by. You are most welcome to stay
Maresie
Iamhere said
Apr 13, 2021
Lovely share and spot on title, Powerlessness. There are many relationships in my blood line damaged greatly by this disease and other. My best tool when I am feeling sadness about broken family lines is the abbreviated Serenity Prayer - Bless Them, Change Me. Hang in there and keep coming back!!
a4l said
Apr 13, 2021
I have sisters. They were and are toxic individuals. I cut them out of my life 12 years ago and it is a great feeling. I can't at all relate to feeling powerless over bad relationships. There's always the power to end what doesn't serve you. Failing that, the question I'd be asking myself is what do I get from staying?
Maresie888 said
Apr 14, 2021
Some relationships are really difficult. I ran into an issue with a coworker recently. Set a boundary and she came at me like a pitbull. Stepped on my feet twice. Thank goodness for social distancing. And the names...oh the names that came out once I set a boundary. Breathtaking rebound with personal attacks as per the formula for those who are completely boundaryless.
I certainly put in many limits, many many limits. Didnt matter back like a pitbull barging in again. As is typical of certain people one sets boundaries with then came the personal attacks, vicious personal attacks. Funny how when you set boundaries with certain people they start calling you all kind of names. The irony being that those same people then claim to be so #caring# . Wow that is an example of caring calling people names and barging in on them wherever they are.
My sisters would do similar things. Indeed my elder sister called me every name in the book to my other relatives. I guess that is a step up on beating you up.
Setting boundaries is not for the faint of heart. I have even had to get a restraining order against certain people because they simoly do not stop crossing those boundaries because they have none whatsoever. They know they cannot imagine that they could cross a line they are worse than put bulls. There is no limit to whatever boundary there is. Their influence has to cover everything. They have no concept anyone else exists.
Indeed some people are able to go no contact with their family members. I was no contact with mine for years
Family was a huge issue with my qualifier. Every holiday his mother insisted that her needs were paramount. Then out of the blue she married her former childhood sweetheart and moved several states away. Then suddenly holidays didnt matter anymore. Suddenly holidays with my qualifier were unimportant.
Setting boundaries are what some of us really struggle with.
Setting boundaries with family is a whole chapter in our lives.
Setting boundaries within a relationship is a huge issue.
Boundaries are hard period. They are harder when certain people will not leave you alone when you have made it quite clear do not come anywhere near me. For some reason they feel they have the right to bludgeon wherever they feel like it. The qualifier's mother was like that, my co worker was like that, every relationship I have had with an alcoholic has been like that. It is relentless and extremely aggressive.
Setting boundaries is exhausting work but a very necessary part of recovery.
Ileana said
Apr 14, 2021
Thank you so much everyone,
It feels good to be heard.
Hugs
Lyne said
Apr 14, 2021
Thought I would put in my $0.02! And oh boy, I could tell you a tale (a true one) about my older brother. I grew up with his rage instead of alcohol. I shook into my adulthood when he came near me. I felt afraid of him probably until alanon kicked in, combined with him needing two open heart surgeries. Due to his horrendous medical experiences, and my program tools, I finally forgave him and felt some compassion for him. I never thought this would have happened. For all those middle years I would only be around him with others. So Im not a child anymore, I have my own car, keys, and gas. During the last couple years prior to COVID, with seeing him on my terms with my boundaries, I have taken a couple walks with him and had a quick lunch. Knowing that I could leave any minute I wanted to, allowed me to have an infrequent but OK relationship with him. I decided I just did not want to show up at his funeral someday. I also view him as an untreated very sick individual. We did have some good times in between the abuse, and when I divorced my first A husband, he helped me a bit with my son who was 9. During COVID I have chosen to text him about every two months, and he writes back. This feels better than the avoidance and pain I kept about him. Ileana, give yourself some time in program and then you can figure out what you want in the future with your sister. There is no right answer. Its about what works for you.
PosiesandPuppies said
Apr 14, 2021
Ilieana - reading you... understanding your pain & grief.
I feel sad tonight about the relationship I have with my sister.
Today we only communicate at holydays and birthdays.
I remember the times when we were young and we played together.
I was the oldest and she even thought sometimes that I was cool.
And at some point she preferred scapegoating me like my parents
did, instead of sticking with me, stick with 'us'. And then there
was no 'us' anymore, only a new offender for me, an emotional offender.
She just preferred to abandon me too.
Anything that she didn't want to accept about herself she projected
it on me ... so that she could keep a good outside image of herself.
Intelectually I know those were her projections, and her own self judgements,
all the labels she put on me.
But I just can't accept to see her how she really is. In reality I don't
know who she is. She always kept herself hidden behind bad jokes, mockeries,
humiliations, bullying, self righteounsness. I don't know what she really
enjoys to do. I can't tell what her hobbies are. I don't know her favourite
color. She still dresses like my mother, so I don't really know what
is her dressing style either. I don't know what she likes to eat.
We grew up together but we've been so apart.
I copyed our father she copyed our mother and none of us was herself.
My sister ... the real person behind this mask ... is dead for me
because I never knew her and I never will.
Good bye little sister that I never had ... just that so far I didn't
want to accept it.
In a relationship it takes too. And no matter how bad I want, no matter
how hard I try, I can never do your part in it. And it's not fair for me
to have to clean both sides of the street when only one side is mine.
One day you simply stopped seeing your older sister as 'cool' and since
then, you never saw me as a good person, you never validated me, you
never heard me, you never saw me again. And over this, I'm powerless ...
Thank you for reading me ...
relationship with your sister. It sounds like while you are sad and you know
the reasons why you feel the way you do, there is a level of acceptance with
your grief. I do know that when I feel this way about a person/family member,
I allow myself to feel that grief for a period of time and then take a step back
to realize that I am seeing and feeling what I am from my perspective, that
there are other sides to the story that are not evident to me and may never
be. Then I let go and let God, because when I do that I release those feelings
of anguish for God to deal with how she/he sees fit for my benefit.
Ileana .
In my family the oarents and others okayed everyone off against each other
It is incredibly painful
My younger sister became a full on alcoholic at 16. The classic loved you drink and could not stop
She leveled out when she had children
My.family mirrored her family. My mother had a favorite. My sister had a favorite. I had no window of tolerance when I was dating with her
I.wosj Incoukd have done more grief with early in my recovery. There are ways of grieving that bring relief rather than chaot7c loss
I have a more reasonable approach to grief today
I grieve less for my family of origin
Far far less
Glad you chose to drop by. You are most welcome to stay
Maresie
I certainly put in many limits, many many limits. Didnt matter back like a pitbull barging in again. As is typical of certain people one sets boundaries with then came the personal attacks, vicious personal attacks. Funny how when you set boundaries with certain people they start calling you all kind of names. The irony being that those same people then claim to be so #caring# . Wow that is an example of caring calling people names and barging in on them wherever they are.
My sisters would do similar things. Indeed my elder sister called me every name in the book to my other relatives. I guess that is a step up on beating you up.
Setting boundaries is not for the faint of heart. I have even had to get a restraining order against certain people because they simoly do not stop crossing those boundaries because they have none whatsoever. They know they cannot imagine that they could cross a line they are worse than put bulls. There is no limit to whatever boundary there is. Their influence has to cover everything. They have no concept anyone else exists.
Indeed some people are able to go no contact with their family members. I was no contact with mine for years
Family was a huge issue with my qualifier. Every holiday his mother insisted that her needs were paramount. Then out of the blue she married her former childhood sweetheart and moved several states away. Then suddenly holidays didnt matter anymore. Suddenly holidays with my qualifier were unimportant.
Setting boundaries are what some of us really struggle with.
Setting boundaries with family is a whole chapter in our lives.
Setting boundaries within a relationship is a huge issue.
Boundaries are hard period. They are harder when certain people will not leave you alone when you have made it quite clear do not come anywhere near me. For some reason they feel they have the right to bludgeon wherever they feel like it. The qualifier's mother was like that, my co worker was like that, every relationship I have had with an alcoholic has been like that. It is relentless and extremely aggressive.
Setting boundaries is exhausting work but a very necessary part of recovery.
It feels good to be heard.
Hugs
May you find peace in this.