My ex and I have 2 kids together. He passed away when they were 14, few days before their bday. Since then both of the kids have been acting up, smoking, drinking. Yoo gets is close to 17 and  ina mental hospital because she wanted to kill herself, infront of me/ so I can feel the pain I put her through.

I admit, I was not the best mom when I was with their dad. I was depressed, dsuolicidal, took my anger out on them. But I am trying to change. I am active I Al-Anon. 
how do I handle her when she cant move past what has happened even thou I have apologized and awknowledged her pain.

she has been going to alateen also but I dont think it helped her at all.

any advice? I am scared to lose her just because she is too angry at me to love herself. 

hust as a background her dad died from liver cirrhosis and was a verbally, mentally physically abusivr drunk and she saw a lot of it.

 Hi Rimjhim... and welcome.

Dealing with addiction is tough- real tough. Not for the faint hearted.

I learned to take care of myself- of may own thoughts and emotions.

I still use the serenity prayer a lot- to sort out what is possible, and what, maybe is not.

We do expect miracles here- but most of them unfold over a long time.

Being alive in seeking solutions, for me, was a great start. This is all I can do.

DavidG. 

Thank you so.much for coming to this group 

Indeed it can seem like your daughter has much to be angry about

Depression is a huge disease to live with. Sometimes it seems to be intractable to treatment.  Indeed I have dealt with depression for a lifetime. Much of it uneducated. Decades of therapy. I have indeed been through the wringer with depression. 

I have certainly been suicidal.  My suicidality had nothing to do with anyone else. It was all about the depression.  Depression is such a terrible illness 

The good news is your daughter is getting treatment.   There a red a lot of myths about suicidality like if people call a suicide prevention line they could get help.  Depression is an illness. When you have cancer you cannot wish my away. The same goes for depression. Depression needs treatment medical treatment psychological treatment.  Your daughter is getting that. 

As far as your daughter goes you are certainly acting like a parent. You.are concerned you have empathy. You.are willing. That is a huge amount. That is very far from nothing. There us plenty you can do as a concerned parent in encouragungbthen to get treatment.   You are doing absolutely everything you can and more 

Recovering from abuse is a long job. There us far more than a get involved.   There is grief. Grief is with us daily. Never more so than when we are dealing with loss. Loss is constant.

Loss is indeed part of life.   But some of us contend with huge losses. Terrible terrible losses from abuse and neglect  

The other #gift# you have of course given your daughter is to be out of  denial.  I am the child of abusive parents. I have been working on those issues for decades. One of the huge hurdles I had was the denial of my family members. I took a long time to grieve that they will probably never acknowledge it.  In fact it is oretty much a guarantee 

So let's recap once again all you have done for your daughter which is far from #nothing# 

1) You are concerned 

2) You acknowledge her depression and how very serious it I'd. 

3) You have been in recovery. In fact you to great lengths to recover.  Coming to al anon is not for the faint of heart. 

4) You acknowledge she has had a raw deal 

5) You are not in denial about her father and his pathology. 

However remember the three C's you didnt cause his alcoholism you couldn't change it and you certainly couldn't cur it.  That alcoholism was for him to deal with and he couldn't. 

While you may feel helpless alone and lost all those 5 contributions are huge. For many of us we would give a lot to have had a parent who was present accountable and willing 

What a lot you have given her already 

Of course you are still out of your mind witn worry 

Why not start adding some more tools. Al anom had many may tools that are far from  #nothing# they are trusted true and 

work well for millions of people across the globe 

In addition al anon can give your support, understanding empathy and encouragement. You can go to meetings by zoomm around the clock.   Support is so so essential. Support is possible and most of all you.are worthy of being supported where you are now 

I am so glad that you dropped by and asked for suggestions. You are indeed very welcome here. Many of us share your grief having been associated with an alcoholic. I have certainly known many. 

I continue to.suffer some of the repercussions of dealing with alcoholics. Joining al non was one of the best decisions I have ever made. In fact joining this group brought many he exits. The principle one is #being known# 

Being known is being loved and cared for. Obviously you love and care for your child deeply. That shows. Her father was not capable of that. You are. You care. You are willing. What a fantastic parent you.are today 

Maresie

  Of my two bio kids- one was angry, and the other one passive.

The passive one worried me most. But since my last visit that worry has diminished a fair bit.

I tended not to make upfront verbal amends- this close to family. I tended to demonstrate my

own changes. And take opportunities to talk and to listen whenever I could... ...

Aloha and welcome to the board.

Some might be urged to give advise yet what we know really that works comes out of our experiences.

I worked with teens regarding the affects of alcoholism and drug addiction on themselves and their families came from sharing experiences of what worked.

The Alateen program; a part of Al-Anon is available to your children and if you call the local number for Al-Anon they can lead you to where the groups are held.

One of my sponsees use to bring his children to Al-Anon meetings which they were invited to and welcomed if they would follow their guidelines.  Years later both young people are mature and educated about the disease, respectfull of both parents which includes their alcoholic, addict mother and very sane father.

Anger is only one of the emotional, mental disorders I was saddled with back then and now I am rarely overtaken by it because of the daily practice of the program.

I hope you consider coming back often and following up on the suggestions that come from  the membership as it recovers daily.

Keep coming back.   ((((hugs))))