The writer of today's page defines detachment as "emotionally separating myself from the disease of alcoholism."  They thought it was easy to do if they attached with indifference, because they had years of practice at denying their feelings.  Detaching with love, though -- that seemed out of the question.

A sponsor suggested that indifference to our fellow creatures is actually worse than hating them. By feeling safe in Al-Anon, the writer began to feel safe enough to feel their feelings, so they did not have to shut out the feeling of love. They accepted their feelings, and became able to see the alcoholic as more than his or her disease.

Today's Reminder: The unconditional love I receive in Al-Anon helps me to rediscover what love is. As I learn that I am consistently lovable regardless of my strengths or limitations, I begin to see something consistently lovable in others, even those who suffer from an unlovable disease.

Quote from Youth and the Alcoholic Parent: "With a change of attitude ... past actions can be put into proper perspective; love and respect can become a part of family life."

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This reading was an eye-opener for me.  I think I have finally reached some stage of loving detachment -- but I will admit I think I have it easier than some because the alcoholic who brought me here has passed away. But of course he is still in my thoughts every day, and I feel that now I experience love, while in the past it was definitely detaching with anger and then some level of indifference. 

How did I get to where I am now? I think a healthy Al-Anon program promotes unconditional love.  It's that reading at the close of meetings: "You may not like all of us, but you will come to love us in a very special way, the same way we already love you."  It's the avoidance of cross-talk so that my vulnerable sharings are not subject to criticism.  It's the generosity of sponsorship where someone takes time out of their busy life to listen to me. 

By receiving all that love in the program, I am more able to love unconditionally -- and I think this is what detachment with love means.  Unconditional love, even if I have to set  boundaries to protect myself from certain things.  I have to get the acceptance and love for myself, within myself, and then I might be able to accept and love another imperfect human being.

MIP friends, how have you managed detachment with love? 

   To answer your question, Freetime,- the answer would be...   ...s   l   o   w   l   y ...

      But I did get this message at my first meeting.  ... ...chewed on it- meditated on it a few years later- and made it my own.

      I have been in Alanon, now, more years than not. I have deep rich memories, now, that have gradually overtaken old ones.

       Thanks, so grateful...  ...

Detachment is not natural/normal for me either though I have gotten much better at it by practicing the consequences of what happens when I don't get it good.  I was born a scrapper in my family which means I got into a tons of fights especially with horrible reactions.  I fought hard and often each time hateing it more and more.  Learning detachment with acceptance and letting go using forgiveness and compassion and empathy brings me to where I am at now...quiet and even tempered and more merciful than ever.  I use my language and volume of speaking to trigger changing how I respond to others.  I think I've added a few more quiet days to my life.  Thank you Al-Anon.  

Jerry F 

Thank you so much for your wisdom. Of course when I finally got to al anon  my mandate was the world had to change. That is namely the alcoholic addict by any means possible LOL. 

Of course the world did not change I did.  And every day that is the ongoing challenge. 

For those of us with complex ptsd there can be a a time where we #fight# tooth and nail for our #survival#    Fighting is of course appropriate in it's own way because as Winnicott elaborates fighting is a sign of hope. We all need hope. 

For me these says boundaries are essential. I found boundaries only after being eviscerated many many times.  Beaten and submerged to a pulp. 

These days in addition there are certainly people I find incredibly obnoxious, sanctimonious and completely inauthentic in every regard.   The news is that I no longer have to let them know it. Being narcissists they believe they are far superior to every human being alive anyway.  That will never change. 

When they say certain things now I can rise above the need to tell then where to get off.   For me that is great great progress 

The good news now of course is when such people appear in my life they get absolutely no validation from me. Indeed it is important to remember that narcissists would crawl through glass to hear you think they are improving. Narcissists however can never improve, they can concoct their stories of improvement but underneath that veneer of desperation isca core of hate and rage that is eating away at them every second. What a terrible existence. 

Those that are full of hate and rage of course cannot really hurt others because they have never been fully human. That is why they erupt with rage so often at the drop of a hat. 

I have had to deal with plenty of narcissists of course.   They pop up out of nowhere all the time. The good news being that they no longer get to have much influence on me . In fact I can shrug them off in a second 

How lucky we are to be in recovery af such a seminal time when we can gain support and assistance from so many areas.  Every year I feel like I have grown and learned so much. Then another round of possibilities come up that are exciting,dynamic and attainable.  What a real gift that is 

I no longer have this sense that I need to detach in a specific way because I am grounded in myself, present and able to access my emotions. Therefore when I get the sense that someone is #off# I dont have to present it as a case study to anyone.  No one gets to pronounce on what is okay for me. That is entirely my preserve. 

Of course life is certainly full of challenges but the challenge of living intimately with an alcoholic addict is not an option for me. Of course there are plenty of narcissists around who sick the air out of every room they manage to sneak into wherever I am. However they no longer get an opportunity to phase me. 

Nevertheless in general in detachment I can.feel sadness for their abject desperation rather than react to their contortions for desperate attention every hour of the day and night 

What a real gift that is. The gift to say No rather than believe I have no right to do that.  No is such a wonderful concept 

Jerry your humanity and presence has been such a gift to this board as has your fierce honesty and immense compassion. Thank you for  choosing this place to share and always showing up non matter what. 

Maresie 

Maresie, bless you for that response as it caused me to remember just a little part of my recovery journey which brought with it a lot of pain that came from how I use to handle things with my alcoholic/addict and then the lesson on true humility, the metaphor my HP used her with.  

I am back in the same town where the disease rolled over our lives and where we both found recovery.  I don't know where she is other then that I can find her in my head and the memories of the journey that ended up affecting so many others.

You mention PTSD which is just a bit of what I found out was part of the disease concept in me and so dangerous.  Thank you God and your angels in this program that helped me recover.  Thank you for my alcoholic/addict and her trials and recovery.  Bless her where ever she is at.  

(((hugs))) 

Jerry 

Your ability to forgive and  bless someone who caused you immense pain is more than impressive.  Forgiveness being one way to find immense meaning in grief 

I was thinking of another former qualifier who like many before him eventually succumbed to the disease.  He somehow made his illness part of the romance of the disorder.  He carried that with him to the end decades before a natural life expectancy.  That was indeed part of his disease 

In some cases  I have certainly found it possible to start seeing a 360.degree picture of the person. In others it is far more difficult as  the pain is still fresh.  

Some people believe the fighting phase of complex.ptsd is what brings them out of a depression. Indeed being distressed is part of the nature of setting boundaries.  Social distancing has given me a solid stance on physical boundaries. Those that bully often transverse those physical distancing lines. Furthermore those that bully also cross every line with babe calling. Suddenly out.of the blue you go from being their bff to contemptuous.  Then of they have a chance they will bringin physical characteristics. Suddenly that person is far but not just fat but #gross#  They are going to reinforce it at every turn.  In fact they go on tirades of cattle calls of they have the opportunity.  Bullying is reprehensible on every level and there are those who revel in it.  They simply live to bully others. 

I have never met an alcoholic who would not resort to bullying if their habit was up for discussion.   In a  similar way many of those of us in al anon can become reactionary, contemptuous and bitter.  Bitterness is the nucleus for much bullying.  

I know many many  bullies. They no longer have the opportunity to bully me but they are an was always  waiting for that chance to pounce on others.  Knowing that bitterness is what drives them so relentlessly is of course a way to understand their compulsive need to denigrate others at every opportunity.  Everyone is dysfunctional but them what a revelation! 

Thank you again Jerry for being part of this group. I appreciate your ability to navigate change with grace and dignity.

Dignity is not something that those who bully others will ever know. They have no desire for it as it does but it does not  fit into their grandose vision that the world revolves entirely around them and exclusively their needs. 

Maresie 

Freetime 

In the grief course I have been taking one element is to.remember the good. The good for me with my qualifier was our oets.   In the end I had to take ALL the pets.  Nevertheless there were times in the relationship.where we reallybenjoyer our pets. His addiction robbed that one and every other element of comfort in that rekstomshio 

Nevertheless one thing that at one time we shared was the oets. When I discovered after we separated that he was neglecting the pets I  stepped in. That caused me great personal hardship for years. I know in the throes of his addiction he could not even take care of the dog he adored 

Therefore now with this course under my belt I know some if how to approach derachhng. There are some people however who.are so pernicious so aggressive and so vicious that I think detaching with anger is appropriate 

The qualifier like many alcoholics/addicts attracted predators like a bee in a hive. They came around to #feed# on him.when ever they could 

There is a special place in hell for those who.prey on others. 

They make a specialty of looking good, saying all the right things and appearing to be caring. They are slick.opeators. I see nothing wrong whatsoever with finding them objectionable.   Those that deliberately abude other people more vulnerable than them certainly are objectionable. 

Detaching in whatever form you can  is so so necessary with alcoholism. Detaching is a real skill. Just like every other skill it requires helo and direction. I have had the priviledge of being around real champions of the program. What a gift to.see how they worked a program every day. Being able to watch the way they transcended many many challenges has been an enormous help. 

Detaching definitely saved my sanity in my relationship with the qualifier. Every day detachment has been a skill that is so necessary for me to move on to.a more palatable life. 

Maresie