I am new here. I have never posted before, but tonight I need support!
I am 50 years old. I have been married for 27 years to my husband, whom I love very very much. We have 3 daughters that are all adults and 2 of them still live at home (we are a very close family). I take turns with my sister staying at my moms house to care for her because she has Alzheimer's and can no longer be left alone. So my schedule is I am home for 2 days -- then I stay at moms for 2 days. My husband is an alcoholic. He agrees he has a problem with drinking. About 3 months ago we had been having a hard time with his drinking and I left. I stayed gone for 28 days. He promised to get help, promised to never drink again --as he has done so many times before. Well, during this time -- we have learned that his brother has stage 3 liver disease from drinking. My husband started a 1 time a week treatment however after 3 weeks he quit going. I have been feeling like he is drinking while I am at my moms, but have no proof-- until tonight.
I bought a BAC tester. I could tell on the phone that he sounded thick tongue .. so I asked him to bring me some Aleve as my back has been bothering me. He tried to get my girls to bring it, but they were all busy and couldn't ..so 3 hours later he shows up with a major attitude and so I asked him-- have you been drinking? he said no-- I said I am giving you a chance to tell me the truth.. he again assured me no.. So I pulled out the tester and told him he will need to blow or I will not believe him -- he became agitated, but he did blow. It came back as .08. I just walked back into the house and he left. I am so disapointed. I knew he would have set backs.. but the lies is what is going to drive me away. I cannot trust him. In marriage there has to be trust.
Right now, I don't know what to do. I love him. I want to live my life with him as my partner, however I cannot live in a marriage that is built on lies. Ours has been for years and I thought we had overcome and moved past this. As I said -- I knew he would slip with the drinking.. as long as he tells me he wants to get sober and stay sober... I would always help him and support him -- but I will not tolerate being lied to. If he will lie about this .. there are more things he will lie about.
mamalioness said
Apr 6, 2021
Hi! And welcome to the group! Yeah the lies is what did it for me but for me and its to this day, if I cant trust somebody I just dont want to be with them but this is something I hope you can work out in Al-Anon for yourself and just focus on you and getting better with you and thats what Al-Anon is it is for us and not the alcoholic. Whether you decide to stay or leave is totally up to you. I never tell anybody anymore what to do with their marriage is because what worked for me may not work for somebody else and so on but I do know this this program helped me reclaim myself and live for myself and I notice the more I get better, the more I recover, the more I know I deserve in a job or a relationship or a friendship or even my family of origin and my biological relatives. There has to be trust for me because I was so violated regarding trust as a child, I wont live with it. But thats just me. I do hope you will stick around and you will find you are not alone, marriages with alcoholics can work if one practices a very stringent program and keeps the focus on themselves and just dont carry any expectations with the alcoholic. Its just I dont think they mean to be so hard to live with but its the disease. Alcohol changes everything in the body and the brain and the thinking and like my brother for example he is the most Beautiful and awesome human being but when he makes promises to me I just want to plug my ears because I know he is not going to keep the promise and through Al-Anon, I learned that I can love him and have a great relationship with him but I have to do it with loving detachment and just dont put any expectations on him, take everything he says with a grain of salt, how many times has he promised to overnight me some seafood or he would promise to call me on a certain time to discuss some thing and he would fail and hes a beautiful person but he is a dysfunctional alcoholic and I have come to accept it and I dont resist it anymore, I dont take his promises to heart so I dont have any resentment towards him, because I just blow it off when he promises me something and if he should come through, I am pleasantly delighted. But I have zero expectations
I am glad you shared here and I hope you keep coming back because this program does work it teaches us that we can only change and control ourselves and our thinking and our responses and we are never in control over anything outside of our own skin. Letting go and letting God has been my mantra of late just for life living life. Please keep coming back you are not alone.
Lyne said
Apr 6, 2021
Welcome SS and Im positive that many on our board will relate to your situation. I definitely dothe lies, the broken promises, the pain and insanity that comes as a result. Alcoholism is a complicated , very serious disease. If affects everyone around it. It can have devastating effects.
As the writer above shared, it is your decision about leaving or staying with your A. My suggestion is to take some time with alanonthis board, perhaps some zoom meetings, reading the literature, considering a sponsorany part of this you can try will only help. We can heal, cope, and be happier, but it takes time and practice. After you are centered and balanced better, that would be a better time to make any major decisions.
There is no quick fix, not for our A and not for ourselves. I was very disappointed to learn this initially, but I was in so much pain that I needed help I could not find elsewhere. Ive got over 8 years in alanon. Im still with my A after 29 years. There are moments of sobriety. I am in much better shape mentally than prior to recovery. I feel at peace and happy, most of the time.
There is help here for you if you keep coming back. Lyne :)
Debb said
Apr 6, 2021
Welcome to you {{Shipshape}} glad you found MIP and shared with all of us!
Unfortunately alcoholism (which is a disease) disrupts our relationships because we expect loyalty and truth,
when in fact the disease cannot provide that type of faithfulness. We learn in Al-Anon to accept that we did
not cause, nor can we control or cure the alcoholic. We learn that we must accept that we become as sick
as the alcoholic trying to control them and then learn how to take back our lives by minding our own business
and not taking their disease personally. Your husband is the only person who can take back his life by finding
his own sobriety. I am providing you two links to research local Al-Anon groups and also where you can find
Al-Anon literature. And on behalf of this forum, please continue to come back and talk with us.
We do have daily readings from two of the books: One-Day-At-A-Time/Courage to Change
and you can start to work the 12 Steps here on this board if you like as well.
-- Edited by Debb on Tuesday 6th of April 2021 09:32:39 AM
mamalioness said
Apr 6, 2021
Hi! I hope you feel better, knowing that you are not alone and so many of us relate I heard a saying once--unrealistic expectations are premeditated resentments yes! We have the right to expect honesty and forthrightness and promises to be kept but is that realistic with an alcoholic? My brother loves me to the moon and back but I cannot tell you how many broken promises I have gotten from him. Hes not the type to out and out lie to me. In fact he confesses pretty much everything to me but the broken promises I cant even count how many I received from him and how bad it hurt, its like a betrayal. But I have to tell myself and hes an alcoholic and this is the way its going to be and the old days of him and me being best mates and hanging out together. Yes we can still be best mates but just do not put any substance or weight into his promises
I had to change my expectations to match where he is at now. I hate it when he promises me something and doesnt follow through so I just blow it off and say yeah OK and then I just detach and no expectations
SunnyFrogs said
Apr 6, 2021
Hi Shipshape, welcome.
I understand how you think and feel about the lies. Something I am slowly accepting is addicts lie,it's just what they do. And I can either go round and round about it with my AH or accept that fact. It doesn't mean I like it or that it's ok but trying to force him to not lie has simply never worked. I am lying to myself too though,actually, if I try to convince myself that magically one day he will start telling the truth.
I try so hard to not set myself up for disappointment anymore. I already know he's gonna lie and expecting anything different is only hurting myself.
Maybe one day I will be strong enough to walk away from all this but for now this program is helping me find some peace and serenity while still living it.
Iamhere said
Apr 6, 2021
Shipshape - glad you found us and so glad that you shared. I am truly sorry for the pain you are experiencing from the disease of alcoholism and the diseased. You truly are not alone. I recall when I found out that mine was sneaking/drinking, I truly thought it was the worse thing every. I also felt I needed to do something, say something, decide something, etc. It was extremely painful and I was extremely hurt.
I spent more time than I care to admit trying to get him to 'see' the errors of his ways. I tried to change him, fix him, manage him, catch him, etc. - all the while trying to battle and beat a disease larger than one or even life itself. Alcoholism is a chronic disease which has no cure. It's truly cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. One never is cured, yet help and hope come from abstinence and support - AA or similar are helpful.
Alcoholism is also considered a family disease as most everyone gets sucked in. Most of us have lost our self identity to the disease and the diseased, and often much, much more. Al-Anon is for friends and family concerned about the drinking in another. We learn to focus on ourselves, and seek our joy/serenity/sanity no matter what another is/is not doing.
It took me a long while to see my part in this disease. It took me a while to realize there is no shame in loving an Alcoholic. There are more choices always than stay/go - this program gave me shades of gray. I arrived with very black/white thinking - right/wrong, good/bad, etc. Today, I just have a broader view of life, love, acceptance, empathy, etc. - because of working this program, one day at a time, as best I can.
My best suggestion is to cut you some slack - be gentle with you. Take some time to explore Al-Anon and see if it sounds like a good fit. As painful as it sounds, an alcoholic will keep drinking (and in denial/lying) until they decide to stop (or not). They are not bad or defective, they are sick. One of many things I heard early on was the Just for Today bookmark (google it if interested) and to practice self-care first each day.
I'm also sending tons of (((hugs))) for being a care provider for your mother. I am quite sure that adds a whole different level of concern/worry to your life/days. My mother has dementia, and that presents a few of the challenges you and your sister are facing. Breathe, breathe and breathe again - just for today, let it go as best you can.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!!
JerryF said
Apr 6, 2021
I also remember being tired of being outwitted by the disease and not having a loving mutual relationship with my alcoholic addict. What changed that was the building of a program relationship with the membership that understood what the disease was and did on a daily basis and when I was able to to attach to them and listen and learn and practice what they were doing I was less weary of being beaten up on a daily basis. I also stopped beating myself up for not winning the wars which I also learned would best be done by letting go and letting God and the fellowship.
Accept our welcome and keep coming back. Alanon is what saved my spirit, soul and sanity. (((hugs)))
Maresie888 said
Apr 7, 2021
Whoops I wrote a post and then it got stuck
Al anon is primarily about putting the focus back on you to take the stress off
So what can you do to take that stress off
Know that you are not alone
The experience you have is known to the bone by many of us.
Know that al anon has helped many of us
Hope that you decide to explore al anon. This program has helped many. You are worthy of help
You are worthy of being considered
You are worthy of being known
Welcome
Maresie
pinkchip said
Apr 7, 2021
Since active alcoholics don't really think alcohol is the problem, they think your reaction to their drinking is the problem - or they think it's only a problem if you find out. This is the nature of the disease. An active addict / alcoholic lies not because they think you are stupid or because they love lying - it's just he disease protecting itself. In either case, it's up to you what you will and will not put up with and what is and is not ok for you in a relationship. It did help me to understand that the alcoholic doesn't lie just to "get over"in most cases. They lie cuz they want to drink and not be bothered and the disease is STRONG
Bettertomorrow said
Apr 8, 2021
Welcome Shipshape.
As other members have said above, it's your own personal journey and decisions, but you will find support and acceptance on this board. We are all on a similar sea, but in different boats and each of us has a different journey to make.
I also have an alcoholic husband. My own personal journey was that I couldn't stay with someone who I couldn't trust - but there are others here who have stayed, and are happy, with their alcoholic partners.
Back in my early days before Alanon I would also do alcohol breath tests and my husband would swear blind he hadn't been drinking when the test was saying something very different. Even when he was obviously drunk and I was testing him, I still wanted to believe it was something else - this was my own denial. I now know that even though he was technically 'lying' - the power of the addiction was so strong that it over- rode everything, just to make sure that the next drink was obtained. That's the nature of the addiction and the disease.
I am glad though that I took time to make my personal decision, because that allowed me to address my own needs through Al-Anon and make what was ultimately a healthy decision from a good place for me.
I wish you luck and support on your own journey - wherever it will take you.
I am new here. I have never posted before, but tonight I need support!
I am 50 years old. I have been married for 27 years to my husband, whom I love very very much. We have 3 daughters that are all adults and 2 of them still live at home (we are a very close family). I take turns with my sister staying at my moms house to care for her because she has Alzheimer's and can no longer be left alone. So my schedule is I am home for 2 days -- then I stay at moms for 2 days. My husband is an alcoholic. He agrees he has a problem with drinking. About 3 months ago we had been having a hard time with his drinking and I left. I stayed gone for 28 days. He promised to get help, promised to never drink again --as he has done so many times before. Well, during this time -- we have learned that his brother has stage 3 liver disease from drinking. My husband started a 1 time a week treatment however after 3 weeks he quit going. I have been feeling like he is drinking while I am at my moms, but have no proof-- until tonight.
I bought a BAC tester. I could tell on the phone that he sounded thick tongue .. so I asked him to bring me some Aleve as my back has been bothering me. He tried to get my girls to bring it, but they were all busy and couldn't ..so 3 hours later he shows up with a major attitude and so I asked him-- have you been drinking? he said no-- I said I am giving you a chance to tell me the truth.. he again assured me no.. So I pulled out the tester and told him he will need to blow or I will not believe him -- he became agitated, but he did blow. It came back as .08. I just walked back into the house and he left. I am so disapointed. I knew he would have set backs.. but the lies is what is going to drive me away. I cannot trust him. In marriage there has to be trust.
Right now, I don't know what to do. I love him. I want to live my life with him as my partner, however I cannot live in a marriage that is built on lies. Ours has been for years and I thought we had overcome and moved past this. As I said -- I knew he would slip with the drinking.. as long as he tells me he wants to get sober and stay sober... I would always help him and support him -- but I will not tolerate being lied to. If he will lie about this .. there are more things he will lie about.
I am glad you shared here and I hope you keep coming back because this program does work it teaches us that we can only change and control ourselves and our thinking and our responses and we are never in control over anything outside of our own skin. Letting go and letting God has been my mantra of late just for life living life. Please keep coming back you are not alone.
As the writer above shared, it is your decision about leaving or staying with your A. My suggestion is to take some time with alanonthis board, perhaps some zoom meetings, reading the literature, considering a sponsorany part of this you can try will only help. We can heal, cope, and be happier, but it takes time and practice. After you are centered and balanced better, that would be a better time to make any major decisions.
There is no quick fix, not for our A and not for ourselves. I was very disappointed to learn this initially, but I was in so much pain that I needed help I could not find elsewhere. Ive got over 8 years in alanon. Im still with my A after 29 years. There are moments of sobriety. I am in much better shape mentally than prior to recovery. I feel at peace and happy, most of the time.
There is help here for you if you keep coming back. Lyne :)
Welcome to you {{Shipshape}} glad you found MIP and shared with all of us!
Unfortunately alcoholism (which is a disease) disrupts our relationships because we expect loyalty and truth,
when in fact the disease cannot provide that type of faithfulness. We learn in Al-Anon to accept that we did
not cause, nor can we control or cure the alcoholic. We learn that we must accept that we become as sick
as the alcoholic trying to control them and then learn how to take back our lives by minding our own business
and not taking their disease personally. Your husband is the only person who can take back his life by finding
his own sobriety. I am providing you two links to research local Al-Anon groups and also where you can find
Al-Anon literature. And on behalf of this forum, please continue to come back and talk with us.
al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/
al-anon.org/for-members/members-resources/literature/feature-publications/
We do have daily readings from two of the books: One-Day-At-A-Time/Courage to Change
and you can start to work the 12 Steps here on this board if you like as well.
-- Edited by Debb on Tuesday 6th of April 2021 09:32:39 AM
I had to change my expectations to match where he is at now. I hate it when he promises me something and doesnt follow through so I just blow it off and say yeah OK and then I just detach and no expectations
I understand how you think and feel about the lies. Something I am slowly accepting is addicts lie,it's just what they do. And I can either go round and round about it with my AH or accept that fact. It doesn't mean I like it or that it's ok but trying to force him to not lie has simply never worked. I am lying to myself too though,actually, if I try to convince myself that magically one day he will start telling the truth.
I try so hard to not set myself up for disappointment anymore. I already know he's gonna lie and expecting anything different is only hurting myself.
Maybe one day I will be strong enough to walk away from all this but for now this program is helping me find some peace and serenity while still living it.
I spent more time than I care to admit trying to get him to 'see' the errors of his ways. I tried to change him, fix him, manage him, catch him, etc. - all the while trying to battle and beat a disease larger than one or even life itself. Alcoholism is a chronic disease which has no cure. It's truly cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. One never is cured, yet help and hope come from abstinence and support - AA or similar are helpful.
Alcoholism is also considered a family disease as most everyone gets sucked in. Most of us have lost our self identity to the disease and the diseased, and often much, much more. Al-Anon is for friends and family concerned about the drinking in another. We learn to focus on ourselves, and seek our joy/serenity/sanity no matter what another is/is not doing.
It took me a long while to see my part in this disease. It took me a while to realize there is no shame in loving an Alcoholic. There are more choices always than stay/go - this program gave me shades of gray. I arrived with very black/white thinking - right/wrong, good/bad, etc. Today, I just have a broader view of life, love, acceptance, empathy, etc. - because of working this program, one day at a time, as best I can.
My best suggestion is to cut you some slack - be gentle with you. Take some time to explore Al-Anon and see if it sounds like a good fit. As painful as it sounds, an alcoholic will keep drinking (and in denial/lying) until they decide to stop (or not). They are not bad or defective, they are sick. One of many things I heard early on was the Just for Today bookmark (google it if interested) and to practice self-care first each day.
I'm also sending tons of (((hugs))) for being a care provider for your mother. I am quite sure that adds a whole different level of concern/worry to your life/days. My mother has dementia, and that presents a few of the challenges you and your sister are facing. Breathe, breathe and breathe again - just for today, let it go as best you can.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!!
I also remember being tired of being outwitted by the disease and not having a loving mutual relationship with my alcoholic addict. What changed that was the building of a program relationship with the membership that understood what the disease was and did on a daily basis and when I was able to to attach to them and listen and learn and practice what they were doing I was less weary of being beaten up on a daily basis. I also stopped beating myself up for not winning the wars which I also learned would best be done by letting go and letting God and the fellowship.
Accept our welcome and keep coming back. Alanon is what saved my spirit, soul and sanity. (((hugs)))
Al anon is primarily about putting the focus back on you to take the stress off
So what can you do to take that stress off
Know that you are not alone
The experience you have is known to the bone by many of us.
Know that al anon has helped many of us
Hope that you decide to explore al anon. This program has helped many. You are worthy of help
You are worthy of being considered
You are worthy of being known
Welcome
Maresie
Welcome Shipshape.
As other members have said above, it's your own personal journey and decisions, but you will find support and acceptance on this board. We are all on a similar sea, but in different boats and each of us has a different journey to make.
I also have an alcoholic husband. My own personal journey was that I couldn't stay with someone who I couldn't trust - but there are others here who have stayed, and are happy, with their alcoholic partners.
Back in my early days before Alanon I would also do alcohol breath tests and my husband would swear blind he hadn't been drinking when the test was saying something very different. Even when he was obviously drunk and I was testing him, I still wanted to believe it was something else - this was my own denial. I now know that even though he was technically 'lying' - the power of the addiction was so strong that it over- rode everything, just to make sure that the next drink was obtained. That's the nature of the addiction and the disease.
I am glad though that I took time to make my personal decision, because that allowed me to address my own needs through Al-Anon and make what was ultimately a healthy decision from a good place for me.
I wish you luck and support on your own journey - wherever it will take you.