Hi! You came to the right place. Here in Al-Anon, we learn to work on ourselves and detach from the disease there is a post on here that. IAmHere and I share, it was her original and I reposted it and it is called things to do to avoid drama, its pretty good way of dealing with people who are pushing back because you dont want to be tethered to their disease. I have used these sayings and they really work

Also Al-Anon teaches us how to reclaim our lives back and to keep the focus on ourselves there are slogans like keep the focus on me, one day at a time, how important is it, listen and learn, one day at a time and many many others that I have to practice when I am around talking with my alcoholic brother or anybody who is a person who is abusing alcohol and it is affecting their personality. I had a handyman up the street who was a really bad alcoholic and when he wasnt so bad, he was rather nice fellow but when he was drinking, he was ugly and mean and I just, thank God I didnt live with him, but I would just minimize conversation if we happen to cross paths as we are neighbors, he is now deceased. The drinking killed him last August and there are parts of him that I miss because we knew each other over 20 years and I considered him a friend but his drinking kept getting worse and worse and so I just kept detaching more and more but with compassion. You can protect and take care of yourself and not have to do it mean or ugly but just compassionate detachment and keeping the focus on yourself and working on yourself. Remember, you did not cause this, you cannot control it, and you will never cure it. This is her walk in life and hopefully she will get into recovery. But I would keep my expectations on that very low because many of them do not get into recovery. So some people stay in the relationship, some do not, it is recommended by Al-Anon that we dont make any major decisions until we have been in the program at least six months and you never know: she could see You working your program and getting healthier and maybe she may want to recover herself I always say where there is life there is hope. But I always keep my expectations very minimal on people unless they have proven to me then I can expect more but still keep it reasonable because we are all human beings

I remember drawing a circle on a calendar and telling my second ex alcoholic husband that either we both get into recovery on this date or we break up because I wanted more out of life. I wanted an equal partner I wanted more than watching him get drunk and having to go pick him up at the pub because he is too drunk to drive

So Al-Anon suggests dont do anything serious for at least six months into recovery, I went into recovery already separated. A lot of people can make it with an alcoholic and I noticed the ones who do are going to the meetings and working a serious program with the 12 steps and slogans slogans and sharing on the board here and getting support and knowing that they are not alone in their difficulties. The relationship can work out despite the disease but its going to take a lot of work on the non-drinking partner and that partner hopefully keeps the focus on themselves and works a very stringent program, you can still love and have a relationship but with loving detachment in other words the alcoholics in my life left are my one brother and I love him to pieces but I hate the disease but I have, through Al-Anon, become strong enough in myself, where I can have a relationship with him and a close one but with loving detachment another words I love him and I detach from the disease and I have strong boundaries that I maintain and stand up for.

Alanon has taught me that I do not have to throw the baby out with the bathwater I can still have a relationship with my Alki brother but yet keep my boundaries and my serenity. The only time I really recommend leaving is if there is physical violence but if that is nonexistent, it is a choice to either leave or stay at the ones who do you stay can only make it work for working their program. Im glad you came here and I hope you keep coming back

Welcome to MIP Ala2021 - glad you found us and glad that you are here. Al-Anon is a great start for you as it's for any family member or friend who's concerned about the drinking in another. We do not mind if they drink once a year, once a day, once a ______________ - if you have concerns and it's affecting your life, you're in the right place.

What helped me greatly in the beginning was to find other ways to spend my time if I was bothered by the actions of another. This isn't always easy when you are married and living in the same house; I had to get creative. I was able to figure out that mine did not follow me to the restroom and/or the laundry room. Both became places where I could check out - if only for a moment - to regroup from the insanity.

I also took long walks (alone), ran errands, put on headphones/music, etc. What I figured out for me is if I wanted a different outcome/evening, I had to do different things. Al-Anon can help you heal from the affects of this disease in another and also help you deal with the diseased in a healthier way - that's what kept me coming back.

I would encourage you to visit the the official Al-Anon website for more information, meetings (online, face-to-face, zoom) and see if you believe you can benefit. Please keep coming back here - there is hope and help in recovery.

The book Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews helped me immensely as did so many Melody Beattie books and the 3 daily readers One day at a Time, Courage to Change and Hope for Today help me start my day out right. Sending you love and support on your journey!

Hi Ala, and welcome, may you find here the support and peace of mind you deserve.
We know the subject well, and we are here to support you.

Take care,

Welcome to the board. Take your time and avail yourself of what must be the web's most comprehensive insight into the experiences of those affected by another's drinking. If there are bits in there that feel familiar, do seek out Alanon. There's a lot of material on what alanon (which my phone keeps wanting to spell as Alamos) offers. And on this board lots of long term members who can guide you on how to engage with Alanon if you want that guidance. It can be daunting showing up at first.

Take good care today.