Hello! I've been away from this board for awhile but I wanted to come back and say hi. The last year has been challenging. But I am headed in a new and good direction.
5 years ago I landed on this board in a state of desperation. Q had just gotten in trouble for the first time related to alcohol at our shared place of employment and I realized that there was something very bad going on in my life. This board kept my head above water when I was sure I was drowning. Through the ups and downs ... and downs .... and downs... I tried hard to work the program but it was like trying to row in the ocean with a rowboat during a hurricane. I finally found a therapist and then an attorney who helped me put the pieces together and reclaim my life.
My divorce should be final in mid-May. I am stuck living with the Q until the end of 2021. Very unfortunate, but I decided to do a kind thing. Of course he does not appreciate it in the least and now I regret it, but the deal was made. And it's only for the remainder of the calendar year.
Now that the end of the road is in sight, I'm finding it Far easier to work my program. Once I could stop thinking of WE and only ME, it became much easier to accept that my life WAS unmanageable BUT now I have a chance to make it manageable.
Forgiving the Q has been harder, but I'll get there. I definitely see him in a new light. His behavior since I announced my intention to end our relationship has been bad. But now I realize that it's because alcohol consumed his brain. And also that he has a lot of childhood trouble that needs a therapist to work on, but he's never going to get help. So now I see him as what he is: disabled. And I see me as what I am: dented and bruised, but fully me, and ready to live a life more true to my values.
The Serenity Prayer has become the center of my program. Letting Q go has been hard because I don't like to lose control of anything - my spouse, my job, heck even my laundry. But I'm slowly learning that staying in my own lane is safer.
-- Edited by Fedora on Friday 2nd of April 2021 10:57:59 PM
Iamhere said
Apr 3, 2021
Good to see you Fedora and welcome back! Sending you tons of positive energy and prayers for your journey! Keep coming back - there's hope and help in recovery!
Debb said
Apr 3, 2021
Welcome back Fedora! Glad for you that you are finding resolutions for yourself!!
Keep coming back to let us know how you are faring!
Freetime said
Apr 3, 2021
Hello, Fedora, thank you for coming back and sharing! I really appreciate the update on where you are now. I feel sure you will get through this calendar year, one day at a time.
About forgiveness -- that was my task, too, and all I can tell you is it took time, and working the steps, but it did come. It does take daily work, but the work gets easier the more I practice.
I love how you mentioned staying in your lane. Recently my higher power sent me a message about this. The place where I went to get my Covid vaccine was in the parking lot of a big sports stadium. There was a complicated but well-organized system of traffic lanes that we had to drive through to go to each station to show our ID, then get our vaccine, and then wait for 15 minutes before exiting the parking lot. At the very end, where we could drive out onto the main road, there was a sign posted at the exit. The sign read, "Stay In Your Lane." I thought it was really funny that an Al-Anon message was at the vaccination center!
Fedora said
Apr 4, 2021
Hello and thank you for the welcome-back greetings.
Today I took the afternoon away from my family. First I had a nap, then I left the house to exercise, feed myself, and now do some work at my office. Yes, it's Sunday night, but this is still my favorite place in the world. I did my exercise at the football field (I work at a college) and it was beautifully peaceful.
Yesterday I was with a kid at a sporting event all day so I thought today would be a good time to be peaceful.
This was the first year I did not even pretend to celebrate Easter. Part of my "living life consistent with my values" is not pretending I can subscribe to organized religion anymore. I love the poetry of it, but only as an entertainment now. Sometimes I "pray" as part of my program - I try to "let go and let God". But I look at it more as an exercise in me not attempting to control things. For now, that's enough.
I wish everyone a good evening, and a good night of sleep. I've come to realize that these things are luxuries not to be taken for granted.
Maresie888 said
Apr 5, 2021
Fedora
Thank you for coming back and giving an update on your situation. Coming to terms with another person's alcoholism is indeed a very large shirt
I have to say detachment has been one of the hardest skills for me t grasp
Then there is the issue if finding ways to nurture ourselves. Lately I have been on the exhaustionnsoectrum
Later year I was on the exhaustion spectrum for too long
Then I ended up sick
Therefore I very much applaud your taking some time out for yourself to regroup
Regrouping is about all I have been doing and it is indeed difficult
It is very hard for and to forgive myself when I make a mis step
I expect to be perfect
Thank you.so much for coming back and updating us
Bettertomorrow said
Apr 8, 2021
Hello Fedora.
Lovely to hear your update. I had wondered where your journey had taken you.
It's wonderful to hear that you are living a life consistent with your values and finding time to be 'me' and not 'we'.
I too made a similar decision and am now separated from my AH. That decision and time has also given me time to grow (although I still sometimes do still slip into my old way of thinking) but it's a decision which was right for me and my children.
Hello! I've been away from this board for awhile but I wanted to come back and say hi. The last year has been challenging. But I am headed in a new and good direction.
5 years ago I landed on this board in a state of desperation. Q had just gotten in trouble for the first time related to alcohol at our shared place of employment and I realized that there was something very bad going on in my life. This board kept my head above water when I was sure I was drowning. Through the ups and downs ... and downs .... and downs... I tried hard to work the program but it was like trying to row in the ocean with a rowboat during a hurricane. I finally found a therapist and then an attorney who helped me put the pieces together and reclaim my life.
My divorce should be final in mid-May. I am stuck living with the Q until the end of 2021. Very unfortunate, but I decided to do a kind thing. Of course he does not appreciate it in the least and now I regret it, but the deal was made. And it's only for the remainder of the calendar year.
Now that the end of the road is in sight, I'm finding it Far easier to work my program. Once I could stop thinking of WE and only ME, it became much easier to accept that my life WAS unmanageable BUT now I have a chance to make it manageable.
Forgiving the Q has been harder, but I'll get there. I definitely see him in a new light. His behavior since I announced my intention to end our relationship has been bad. But now I realize that it's because alcohol consumed his brain. And also that he has a lot of childhood trouble that needs a therapist to work on, but he's never going to get help. So now I see him as what he is: disabled. And I see me as what I am: dented and bruised, but fully me, and ready to live a life more true to my values.
The Serenity Prayer has become the center of my program. Letting Q go has been hard because I don't like to lose control of anything - my spouse, my job, heck even my laundry. But I'm slowly learning that staying in my own lane is safer.
-- Edited by Fedora on Friday 2nd of April 2021 10:57:59 PM
Keep coming back to let us know how you are faring!
About forgiveness -- that was my task, too, and all I can tell you is it took time, and working the steps, but it did come. It does take daily work, but the work gets easier the more I practice.
I love how you mentioned staying in your lane. Recently my higher power sent me a message about this. The place where I went to get my Covid vaccine was in the parking lot of a big sports stadium. There was a complicated but well-organized system of traffic lanes that we had to drive through to go to each station to show our ID, then get our vaccine, and then wait for 15 minutes before exiting the parking lot. At the very end, where we could drive out onto the main road, there was a sign posted at the exit. The sign read, "Stay In Your Lane." I thought it was really funny that an Al-Anon message was at the vaccination center!
Hello and thank you for the welcome-back greetings.
Today I took the afternoon away from my family. First I had a nap, then I left the house to exercise, feed myself, and now do some work at my office. Yes, it's Sunday night, but this is still my favorite place in the world. I did my exercise at the football field (I work at a college) and it was beautifully peaceful.
Yesterday I was with a kid at a sporting event all day so I thought today would be a good time to be peaceful.
This was the first year I did not even pretend to celebrate Easter. Part of my "living life consistent with my values" is not pretending I can subscribe to organized religion anymore. I love the poetry of it, but only as an entertainment now. Sometimes I "pray" as part of my program - I try to "let go and let God". But I look at it more as an exercise in me not attempting to control things. For now, that's enough.
I wish everyone a good evening, and a good night of sleep. I've come to realize that these things are luxuries not to be taken for granted.
Fedora
Thank you for coming back and giving an update on your situation. Coming to terms with another person's alcoholism is indeed a very large shirt
I have to say detachment has been one of the hardest skills for me t grasp
Then there is the issue if finding ways to nurture ourselves. Lately I have been on the exhaustionnsoectrum
Later year I was on the exhaustion spectrum for too long
Then I ended up sick
Therefore I very much applaud your taking some time out for yourself to regroup
Regrouping is about all I have been doing and it is indeed difficult
It is very hard for and to forgive myself when I make a mis step
I expect to be perfect
Thank you.so much for coming back and updating us
Hello Fedora.
Lovely to hear your update. I had wondered where your journey had taken you.
It's wonderful to hear that you are living a life consistent with your values and finding time to be 'me' and not 'we'.
I too made a similar decision and am now separated from my AH. That decision and time has also given me time to grow (although I still sometimes do still slip into my old way of thinking) but it's a decision which was right for me and my children.
Wishing you all the best in the future.