Well after four years, my son is ready to give my A a second chance. Now my A could have spent the last number of years working on recovery. She is involved with an OA sponsor, and making some progress. She is still an untreated alcoholic, and what drove my son and his wife away, was her passive aggressiveness. My spouse continues to do this to me, I would say about every 2-3 weeks. Because I'm in program and have tools etc., I confront my A with the behavior. We just had an episode during the past week. She is not ready to reunite because she still exhibits destructive behavior towards others. I have shared all of this with her, and in trying not to be controlling, I have put the ball in her court to decide how she thinks we could proceed or not, with these circumstances. Would be happy to listen to ESH from my MIP family. :)
Debb said
Apr 2, 2021
I deal with the same kind of behavior with AH. I avoid all circumstances that trigger the behavior.
Like you, if I tried my best and find that there is an issue that cannot be ignored, I do say
something, but for the most part, if I say something it is more for me than saying anything actually
does any good going forward. I believe that your son will have to make his own decisions on his
tolerance level for his mother's behavior. You know the drill, we cannot cause, control or cure!
I Let Go and Let God and live my life.
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, but know you are not alone {{Lyne}}.
Iamhere said
Apr 2, 2021
Good morning....my AH & my ASons are all passive/aggressive. I suppose, if I am honest, I am too at times - much better with recovery. BR (Before Recovery), I would have meltdowns and make threats which were not about boundaries or self-preservation, but rather 'heat of the moment reactions'.
What works best for me is I just step out of the way and opt to keep my own serenity. My experience is humans know when they're not behaving properly/making good choices, and me pointing it out is a form of control. I have no issue, when asked, giving my ESH. Beyond that, the behavior, actions, reactions, etc. of anybody else - spouse, child or other - is not my business.
Since I've made the choice in recovery to stop taking other's crazy personally, I am rarely on the end of 'it' now. I've also, upon reflection, realized that often the behavior wasn't about me at all - I just took it personally or stood between them and the intended target, unintentionally. I have removed myself as the 'monkey in the middle' and it feels refreshing/good.
My AH & my ASons don't have a good relationship. I spent a ton of time when we were all in the same home and/or when my boys were younger trying to mend this, control this, manage this. I don't any longer - simply because what I want or think does not align with what they want or think. Is it because of the disease? Is it because they're male and I am female? Is it because of something else? I truly don't know and trust that if they are to relate on a different level at some point on this Earth, it will happen.
When my parents ask about my sons, I give them email addresses & mobile numbers. When my husband asks about our kids, same, same. It is no longer my job to be the 'monkey in the middle' for others who may/may not want to relate. I tend to my side of the street and my relationships with all others separate from my AH, and believe this is healthier for me and all involved.
I do know, for me, that at any point I am standing in judgement or concern for how anybody else is acting, reacting, behaving, etc. I am risking my own joy and serenity, not to mention the peace of mind I have worked so very, very hard to gain. In your scenario Lyne, I might even be bold enough to suggest that my son reach out to my partner, when ready to discuss. Again, that's just me - I have come to realize that I am not a good mediator between 2 folks that I love deeply, dearly and unconditionally.
I'm all about the Pause to Pray before I Proceed. I am learning how to be a bit more patient in this life, allowing myself and others to evolve. I also have come to accept that not all relationships are meant to be close, no matter what I believe/want/think I need. I still have moments where I begin to wonder if I know better than my HP; I am often brought back to reality accordingly.
Love and light to all - happy, happy Friday!
Lyne said
Apr 3, 2021
Thank you TT, IAH, and Debb, for your excellent ESH. It is all a help. It has reminded me that I cannot control this situation, and my best behavior would be to step away. Have a wonderful weekend.
DavidG said
Apr 5, 2021
I have come back to the topic os passive-aggressiveness Lyne.
I described my family culture as chronically passive aggressive.
Trying to express emotions- was a starter for me. One of the key
emotions lacking in my world was grief. It seemed that people
in my world were "drowning their sorrows"!
So, for me, I try to tease out my issues and concerns. Slowly,
Well after four years, my son is ready to give my A a second chance. Now my A could have spent the last number of years working on recovery. She is involved with an OA sponsor, and making some progress. She is still an untreated alcoholic, and what drove my son and his wife away, was her passive aggressiveness. My spouse continues to do this to me, I would say about every 2-3 weeks. Because I'm in program and have tools etc., I confront my A with the behavior. We just had an episode during the past week. She is not ready to reunite because she still exhibits destructive behavior towards others. I have shared all of this with her, and in trying not to be controlling, I have put the ball in her court to decide how she thinks we could proceed or not, with these circumstances. Would be happy to listen to ESH from my MIP family. :)
Like you, if I tried my best and find that there is an issue that cannot be ignored, I do say
something, but for the most part, if I say something it is more for me than saying anything actually
does any good going forward. I believe that your son will have to make his own decisions on his
tolerance level for his mother's behavior. You know the drill, we cannot cause, control or cure!
I Let Go and Let God and live my life.
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, but know you are not alone {{Lyne}}.
What works best for me is I just step out of the way and opt to keep my own serenity. My experience is humans know when they're not behaving properly/making good choices, and me pointing it out is a form of control. I have no issue, when asked, giving my ESH. Beyond that, the behavior, actions, reactions, etc. of anybody else - spouse, child or other - is not my business.
Since I've made the choice in recovery to stop taking other's crazy personally, I am rarely on the end of 'it' now. I've also, upon reflection, realized that often the behavior wasn't about me at all - I just took it personally or stood between them and the intended target, unintentionally. I have removed myself as the 'monkey in the middle' and it feels refreshing/good.
My AH & my ASons don't have a good relationship. I spent a ton of time when we were all in the same home and/or when my boys were younger trying to mend this, control this, manage this. I don't any longer - simply because what I want or think does not align with what they want or think. Is it because of the disease? Is it because they're male and I am female? Is it because of something else? I truly don't know and trust that if they are to relate on a different level at some point on this Earth, it will happen.
When my parents ask about my sons, I give them email addresses & mobile numbers. When my husband asks about our kids, same, same. It is no longer my job to be the 'monkey in the middle' for others who may/may not want to relate. I tend to my side of the street and my relationships with all others separate from my AH, and believe this is healthier for me and all involved.
I do know, for me, that at any point I am standing in judgement or concern for how anybody else is acting, reacting, behaving, etc. I am risking my own joy and serenity, not to mention the peace of mind I have worked so very, very hard to gain. In your scenario Lyne, I might even be bold enough to suggest that my son reach out to my partner, when ready to discuss. Again, that's just me - I have come to realize that I am not a good mediator between 2 folks that I love deeply, dearly and unconditionally.
I'm all about the Pause to Pray before I Proceed. I am learning how to be a bit more patient in this life, allowing myself and others to evolve. I also have come to accept that not all relationships are meant to be close, no matter what I believe/want/think I need. I still have moments where I begin to wonder if I know better than my HP; I am often brought back to reality accordingly.
Love and light to all - happy, happy Friday!
I described my family culture as chronically passive aggressive.
Trying to express emotions- was a starter for me. One of the key
emotions lacking in my world was grief. It seemed that people
in my world were "drowning their sorrows"!
So, for me, I try to tease out my issues and concerns. Slowly,
it seems... but gradually... :)