3/30/21 Courage to Change - Focus on Ourselves, Unloving?
Enigmatic said
Mar 30, 2021
Like many, when today's author first heard Alanon's suggestion that we keep the focus on ourselves, not the alcoholic, they thought that sounded like what they accused the alcoholic of being: inconsiderate, thoughtless, and uncaring. 'That's not who I am' they thought, they were generous and caring, tried to help others even when they didn't want to...yet felt growing resentment.
Trying to 'selflessly' please everyone doesn't work, as focus on others' response rather on the purity of the action itself; it was not unconditional. Focus on doing the right thing regardless of outcome allows giving without strings attached...true generosity.
Reminder: Alanon works when I keep the focus on myself, attend meetings, make my recovery top priority. As I become more complete, I am better able to help others.
"We are best abel to help others when we ourselves have learned the way to achieve serenity." - The Twelve Steps and Traditions ---------------------- When I take an action with the intent of obtaining a particular result, I am thinking I know what is best and what 'should' happen...I am trying to control, unintentionally but most definitely playing god. Good things don't happen to myself or others when I do this.
This basic but central Alanon concept determines whether I have serenity or not.
Grateful for the wisdom of Alanon
Debb said
Mar 30, 2021
Thank you so much Paul for your service, today's reading and ESH.
The reading and your ESH makes me smile to think how far I have come to a sense of peace
working the Steps/Traditions and talking it out with the MIP family over the years. Am so
happy to stay in my lane and not require that every discussion goes my way. Am very
comfortable knowing that what AH does is none of my business and have learned to live my
own life despite what AH decides to do. I still have my moments of struggle but the tools of
Al-Anon and being able to lean on my HP and get support from the membership allows me to
be able to learn and move on to a better place so much quicker. Grateful member as well!!
Have a wonderful day to the MIP family today!
Lyne said
Mar 30, 2021
Thanks Paul for your service and for ESH above. I constantly need this reminder even though Im vastly improved! Ive felt frustration about my As lack of self-care, and allowed it to give me such anger and frustration just this morning. Most of the time I can mind my own business but when it could be a life-threatening matter, its difficult. I said what I needed , tried not to say it mean, and now I must let go and let God.
I also want to add that when I came to alanon, I was in such despair and such self-dislike, that the idea of focusing on me was irritating and not something I wanted to do. But I knew I needed help and had to stick around the rooms to see if this could be my life saver. It was and still is. The annoyance of the morning will pass, and I know I have progress and dont need perfection. Thanks to all.
Iamhere said
Mar 30, 2021
Happy Tuesday MIP! Thank you Paul for your service and the daily. Thank you all for your shares & ESH. Between my own disease, insanity and denial, I was truly confused when it was suggested I focus on myself, put myself first and practice loving self-care. Every ounce of my being did distort this into thinking that would make be selfish and self-serving.
Yet, my pain was great enough, I tried to do this and it felt so, so foreign. However, I quickly realized that the tension and anxiety constantly in the air of our home changed quickly when I stepped away from those I love and their disease. What felt so self-serving and uncomfortable actually produced some quick results regarding the dynamics in our family.
Each time I was armed with my thoughts or my advice, I opted out and called my sponsor instead. Over and over and over again, I turned to the program vs. trying to expect rational dialogue, discussion, outcomes in my family unit. While there was still tons of chaos, drama and pain, I felt as if I was a bit peripheral to it. I too know now that each time I am thinking of sharing my views, unsolicited, that I'm trying to control and/or manipulate...what's most rewarding is when I just step aside and try to detach, most situations diffuse faster and I no longer am front and center for 'target practice'.
Accepting myself and others as perfectly imperfect, and practicing loving and accepting others as they are -- no matter how different our views & values are -- has been the key to serenity for me. Finding peace of mind and pure joy through recovery has truly taught me that I would prefer to be happy instead of being right. As a former right-fighter, this is 'huge'...
Make it a great day all - find and keep your joy!!
DavidG said
Mar 30, 2021
Thanks Paul, and y'all.
I think the boundary I taught myself was- "no hocus pocus or hanky panky."
So...I decided, for the want of better words, that my higher power was unconditional love.
I had a contact online- in an online group- and she said that what worked for her was that
she was loved and accepted unconditionally- and that she learned, or realised, that she could
love herself unconditionally.
We still maintain contact.
So, after the reading and shares here- maybe we are trading in serenity?
Thanks.
SunnyFrogs said
Mar 30, 2021
Good afternoon.
Thanks for all the shares here. I love,love reading what you all have to say. I absorb something much needed every day.
The reminder to keep the focus on myself is what I needed today. Not just in practicing self care but in all ways.
Have a good day everyone.
mamalioness said
Mar 31, 2021
Paul: thank you for your service and this very spot on post. I got accused by my family of origin that I was a selfish person because I was putting my recovery first and staying in my own lane and not doing things that put me out on a limb or expensed me beyond what was fair and you know I stuck to my boundaries and I just told them--look all my life I pleased others and took care of others and I abandoned me and they abandoned me when I was in need. Now I am taking care of my needs first and then if I have anything to share, I am glad to do it, provided it does not Expense me in a bad way or another thing I notice is I quit enabling people. Ill give anyone a boost if they are trying to help themselves But I am not going to clean up somebody elses leaves when they can get out the rake of the 12 steps and do it themselves. This program taught me how to live like a viable and healthier and more peaceful human being because I am not running myself ragged trying to please others or to keep the peace or with high maintenance people, I walk away if my serenity is under threat. I can only change and control and take care of myself I cannot control or change another and it is so freeing to see that
Like many, when today's author first heard Alanon's suggestion that we keep the focus on ourselves, not the alcoholic, they thought that sounded like what they accused the alcoholic of being: inconsiderate, thoughtless, and uncaring. 'That's not who I am' they thought, they were generous and caring, tried to help others even when they didn't want to...yet felt growing resentment.
Trying to 'selflessly' please everyone doesn't work, as focus on others' response rather on the purity of the action itself; it was not unconditional. Focus on doing the right thing regardless of outcome allows giving without strings attached...true generosity.
Reminder: Alanon works when I keep the focus on myself, attend meetings, make my recovery top priority. As I become more complete, I am better able to help others.
"We are best abel to help others when we ourselves have learned the way to achieve serenity." - The Twelve Steps and Traditions
----------------------
When I take an action with the intent of obtaining a particular result, I am thinking I know what is best and what 'should' happen...I am trying to control, unintentionally but most definitely playing god. Good things don't happen to myself or others when I do this.
This basic but central Alanon concept determines whether I have serenity or not.
Grateful for the wisdom of Alanon
The reading and your ESH makes me smile to think how far I have come to a sense of peace
working the Steps/Traditions and talking it out with the MIP family over the years. Am so
happy to stay in my lane and not require that every discussion goes my way. Am very
comfortable knowing that what AH does is none of my business and have learned to live my
own life despite what AH decides to do. I still have my moments of struggle but the tools of
Al-Anon and being able to lean on my HP and get support from the membership allows me to
be able to learn and move on to a better place so much quicker. Grateful member as well!!
Have a wonderful day to the MIP family today!
I also want to add that when I came to alanon, I was in such despair and such self-dislike, that the idea of focusing on me was irritating and not something I wanted to do. But I knew I needed help and had to stick around the rooms to see if this could be my life saver. It was and still is. The annoyance of the morning will pass, and I know I have progress and dont need perfection. Thanks to all.
Yet, my pain was great enough, I tried to do this and it felt so, so foreign. However, I quickly realized that the tension and anxiety constantly in the air of our home changed quickly when I stepped away from those I love and their disease. What felt so self-serving and uncomfortable actually produced some quick results regarding the dynamics in our family.
Each time I was armed with my thoughts or my advice, I opted out and called my sponsor instead. Over and over and over again, I turned to the program vs. trying to expect rational dialogue, discussion, outcomes in my family unit. While there was still tons of chaos, drama and pain, I felt as if I was a bit peripheral to it. I too know now that each time I am thinking of sharing my views, unsolicited, that I'm trying to control and/or manipulate...what's most rewarding is when I just step aside and try to detach, most situations diffuse faster and I no longer am front and center for 'target practice'.
Accepting myself and others as perfectly imperfect, and practicing loving and accepting others as they are -- no matter how different our views & values are -- has been the key to serenity for me. Finding peace of mind and pure joy through recovery has truly taught me that I would prefer to be happy instead of being right. As a former right-fighter, this is 'huge'...
Make it a great day all - find and keep your joy!!
So...I decided, for the want of better words, that my higher power was unconditional love.
I had a contact online- in an online group- and she said that what worked for her was that
she was loved and accepted unconditionally- and that she learned, or realised, that she could
love herself unconditionally.
We still maintain contact.
So, after the reading and shares here- maybe we are trading in serenity?
Thanks.
Thanks for all the shares here. I love,love reading what you all have to say. I absorb something much needed every day.
The reminder to keep the focus on myself is what I needed today. Not just in practicing self care but in all ways.
Have a good day everyone.