Today's reading in One Day at a Time in Al-Anon delves into powerlessness as expressed in Step One. Although we might quibble over whether it means we are powerless over alcohol or over the alcoholic -- it is of course both. But we do have the power to change our own lives. We do not have to submit to degrading situations. Acceptance means accepting what is really happening and deciding what we will do about it.
Today's Reminder: Progress begins when we stop trying to control the uncontrollable and when we go on to correct what we have the right to change. If we accept a situation full of misery and uncertainty, it is no one's fault but our own. We can do something about it.
--------------------------
I was searching around for information about this reading, and I discovered that our dear Betty posted about this same page back in 2017. This is my higher power telling me that her influence lives on, and all of our influence can live on as we share.
Acceptance can be hard to accept. I understand that acceptance does not mean approval or forgiveness. I think it means to step out of denial and admit that what I am seeing is real. That shock of reality is what finally got me to Al-Anon.
Our literature gives some insight on what we can do once we have accepted a situation. It tells us that if we are confronted with violence, we can seek outside help. It tells us that if our alcoholic loved one is passed out on the floor, we can cover them with a blanket and go about our day. This page tells us that we do not have to accept misery.
I also have to accept what I do have the power to change, and the right to change. Sometimes I might need help with changing something. Having the power does not mean I have to do it all by myself. I have the power to change my attitude, among other things. I might need to connect with someone else to help me change my attitude -- just as I need someone else to cut my hair, if I want it to be done well, because I can't see my entire head all by myself. And that's just the outside. I can't see the entire inside of my head all by myself either. My sponsor can hold up a mirror for that.
MIP friends, what can you do once you have reached acceptance?
Debb said
Mar 26, 2021
Thank you so much for today's reading FT, your service and ESH.
You presented and explained powerlessness and acceptance to a "T" for me today!
To answer your question, once I reached acceptance to the fact that I am powerless over the
alcoholic in my life, I began to learn to detach with love and move toward to a more serene
and peaceful state of mind that I am now able to share with others. I can remember that
before Step 1 & 2 I thought I needed to convince AH to get help because he was blaming
me for our difficulties and I knew the drinking was the catalyst for the chaos. I also knew
that my need to change him was creating a chaotic spiral of verbal abuse and sorrow, and
just feeding the whole sorry mess. So grateful that those times are in the past.
Lyne said
Mar 26, 2021
Thank you FT for your service and for all ESH above. For me to arrive at acceptance and then move forward, I was stuck in denial and couldn't see that I needed help. I knew I felt absolutely horrible everyday, but mistakenly I thought fixing my A would solve everything. So it took finding {{{Betty}}} as my sponsor, which led to F2F meetings, and slowly the shroud of denial left and I could "see." This getting help is no easy business, but with all my program people I am finding my way.
Daffodils said
Mar 26, 2021
Thank you Freetime for on point message and your share Debb. I am frozen today. In one fell swoop, AH's psychiatrist got him to get back to therapy (kept first virtual appointment yesterday) and is open to AA. I have spent years relentlessly trying to get him to do the same. I am accepting that my support style for AH interferes with his desire to do what is right for him in his own time. I have noticed that his flaws are my own and it is difficult (and embarrassing) to accept that in some respects, I'm sicker than he is. I am so used to centering my day around his issues that I'm stuck in inaction. I like the attitude adjustment idea. I am grateful that tools are available for both of us. The trick will be for me to stay in my own lane. I pray for energy to put effort into my healing. Funny, I could move mountains for AH...hmm..Anyways, thanks again for guiding me to solutions. Have a splendid day.
Daffodils said
Mar 26, 2021
Hey Lyne, sponsor and f2f excellent points. Nearby group still online but will attend f2f the minute they go live.
PosiesandPuppies said
Mar 26, 2021
Thank you Freetime for your service, and to all above who shared their ESH.
Admitting I was powerless was very difficult for me... not only was I the "fixer" for so long, I found self-value in knowing "all" the answers. And accepting I was powerless also meant I had to accept my reality. Deep down inside, I did not want to... b/c it meant I was not willing to live the rest of my life in that misery. I could not accept someone as they were, unconditionally... I grappled with a lot of guilt about that.
Today, I accept myself... flaws and all. I try to be the change I want to see in the world. I try to part of the solution, not part of the problem (thanks Iamhere)!
TGIF y'all!!!
It was a busy, rough week for me at work & we are losing one of our team, so more stress to come... but I remind myself that "This Too Shall Pass."
Right now, I am literally working for the weekends!
I am anxious to get into the garden and play in the soil!
Have a wonderful Friday everyone!
&
Iamhere said
Mar 26, 2021
Good morning MIP and happy Friday. For me, acceptance goes well beyond this disease and the diseased. I've said it before and it bears repeating, if for nobody but me, I was/can be in denial about my denial. No matter my age/stage in life and in recovery, more is always revealed. It's my attitude and outlook that make the difference when more is revealed.
Today is my oldest son's birthday. We have had a difficult relationship since he began his journey with mind-altering substances. Before, he was the sweetest, gentlest, most kind soul who literally would not hurt a fly, bug, etc. We had to catch and release any darn critter that wondered into the home from ants to flies. He's an extremely intelligent child and outwardly appears to be doing well. He has anger issues, and blames most of his life problems on me/us as parents. I am beyond powerless on if/how to have a healthy adult relationship with him. He has asked me to stop contact, so am torn on if that includes his birthday/not. What I do know is that if I am willing to stay aligned with the God of my understanding, the answer will come. I am powerless over where we are and I can accept what is, one day at a time.
I have been negotiating with my insurance company two-fold - the total of my car as well as hail/wind damage to both of our homes. I hit a wall yesterday, and requested 2 escalations, one for each situation. I also reached out to my agent and my contractor, and empowered them to manage the issues for me/us. What I know is I am not an expert in either situation, and recovery has taught me to engage experts/others when I need help. So, for me and my stage of life, powerlessness and acceptance apply well beyond how this disease affects myself and my small piece of this world.
(((Daffodils))) - I rarely touch upon a share in our dailies as my mind tells me it might be cross-talk, but did want to say that I can relate. I admit that when another spoke to mine, and seemed to be heard/valued, after I'd tried for years, it was confusing and frustrating. It took me a while to find my own groove with letting go and focusing on me. I started with really simple things - pulling weeds (digging in the dirt is so good for my soul), taking walks, ear-buds w/music while doing chores, etc. I had been so obsessed/focused on my A(s) that it was a huge adjustment that required me to figure out what brought me joy. You got this!!
The sun is out today and I'm headed to golf shortly. I will do my best to go about my day with a positive attitude and a plan to stay in my own lane. Love and light family - (((Hugs))) too!
Skorpi said
Mar 26, 2021
Happy Friday everyone!
Acceptance is a hard one for me, in that I tend to not trust my perceptions of what is going on. Chalk that one up to a firm belief that reality is obscured by lived experiences and that the truth lies somewhere between my perspective and the perspective of others, coupled with close to a decade living with an active alcoholic. I'm really thankful to program friends for sharing their perspectives, because it helps me to trust myself and my perspectives over those of my A. (Which is an interesting situation that I'm observing with a good amount of lightness and humor. Would I conceptually trust an alcoholic's take on something? No. In practice, I find myself thinking there could be something in that perspective that is correct, and wanting to investigate my thought process further with Al-Anon friends.)
I see the program at work in that I don't get stuck or drawn in anymore, and instead I look at the situation with a bit of humor and patience. I make sure to talk things over with a program friend before making any decisions. I'm glad I can look at myself now with amusement and patience, and not frustration.
Cloudy here, but no rain right now. Might be the perfect time to get a puppy walk in!
mamalioness said
Mar 28, 2021
Freetime: Beautiful post and such a great reminder
I used to think step one was utter defeat....NOT!!!! it is accepting what is and "what can I do to take care of me???" and do ALL I can and then turn it over to my HP for the right outcome and it will be right if I do all , like you said, what I have the right to do and then let it go...let HP take over...I h ave been tested greately with this and the more I embrace the first 3 steps which were my hardest challenges, the more power I ended up with...Funny, give my powerlessness to HP and I end up with MORE power, and yea, acceptance does not mean forgiveness or that I like it...it is just seeing it for what it is so I can determine what do I do to care for me.................
DavidG said
Mar 28, 2021
Thanks Freetime and y'all... ...
...to understand acceptance and denial I placed another stage in the middle. To minimise.
I think I minimised and rationalised the drinking situation when I was in the middle of it.
I parked it up until i was strong enough, and ready to deal with it.
"To accept the things I cannot change," comes straight from the serenity prayer. And the courage that begins
to evolve out of step one give me strength and hope.
On our way to the airport yesterday- a three hour drive- I had a heated discussion with my SO about the effect my family had had
On her. Not a daily and yearly effect- but pivotal to how she had seen our relationship.
And of course I was powerless over how my own family behaved.
I have always believed on bringing things out into the open. When people are fully ready of course!
Airing our grievances.
We had to fill the rental car with fuel. Before getting to the airport.
I had bought kina along the way to the airport. Also avocados for family back home.
Kina is a sea food- and it was fresh. We had kina together in the petrol station car park and that seemed to settle the matter. Not just for the moment, I think- but for all time...
...my family relationships have improved considerably in recent times.
Getting this accelerated and concentrated ESH right there, has been a great help! ...
Today's reading in One Day at a Time in Al-Anon delves into powerlessness as expressed in Step One. Although we might quibble over whether it means we are powerless over alcohol or over the alcoholic -- it is of course both. But we do have the power to change our own lives. We do not have to submit to degrading situations. Acceptance means accepting what is really happening and deciding what we will do about it.
Today's Reminder: Progress begins when we stop trying to control the uncontrollable and when we go on to correct what we have the right to change. If we accept a situation full of misery and uncertainty, it is no one's fault but our own. We can do something about it.
--------------------------
I was searching around for information about this reading, and I discovered that our dear Betty posted about this same page back in 2017. This is my higher power telling me that her influence lives on, and all of our influence can live on as we share.
Acceptance can be hard to accept. I understand that acceptance does not mean approval or forgiveness. I think it means to step out of denial and admit that what I am seeing is real. That shock of reality is what finally got me to Al-Anon.
Our literature gives some insight on what we can do once we have accepted a situation. It tells us that if we are confronted with violence, we can seek outside help. It tells us that if our alcoholic loved one is passed out on the floor, we can cover them with a blanket and go about our day. This page tells us that we do not have to accept misery.
I also have to accept what I do have the power to change, and the right to change. Sometimes I might need help with changing something. Having the power does not mean I have to do it all by myself. I have the power to change my attitude, among other things. I might need to connect with someone else to help me change my attitude -- just as I need someone else to cut my hair, if I want it to be done well, because I can't see my entire head all by myself. And that's just the outside. I can't see the entire inside of my head all by myself either. My sponsor can hold up a mirror for that.
MIP friends, what can you do once you have reached acceptance?
You presented and explained powerlessness and acceptance to a "T" for me today!
To answer your question, once I reached acceptance to the fact that I am powerless over the
alcoholic in my life, I began to learn to detach with love and move toward to a more serene
and peaceful state of mind that I am now able to share with others. I can remember that
before Step 1 & 2 I thought I needed to convince AH to get help because he was blaming
me for our difficulties and I knew the drinking was the catalyst for the chaos. I also knew
that my need to change him was creating a chaotic spiral of verbal abuse and sorrow, and
just feeding the whole sorry mess. So grateful that those times are in the past.
Admitting I was powerless was very difficult for me... not only was I the "fixer" for so long, I found self-value in knowing "all" the answers. And accepting I was powerless also meant I had to accept my reality. Deep down inside, I did not want to... b/c it meant I was not willing to live the rest of my life in that misery. I could not accept someone as they were, unconditionally... I grappled with a lot of guilt about that.
Today, I accept myself... flaws and all. I try to be the change I want to see in the world. I try to part of the solution, not part of the problem (thanks Iamhere)!
TGIF y'all!!!
It was a busy, rough week for me at work & we are losing one of our team, so more stress to come... but I remind myself that "This Too Shall Pass."
Right now, I am literally working for the weekends!
I am anxious to get into the garden and play in the soil!
Have a wonderful Friday everyone!
Today is my oldest son's birthday. We have had a difficult relationship since he began his journey with mind-altering substances. Before, he was the sweetest, gentlest, most kind soul who literally would not hurt a fly, bug, etc. We had to catch and release any darn critter that wondered into the home from ants to flies. He's an extremely intelligent child and outwardly appears to be doing well. He has anger issues, and blames most of his life problems on me/us as parents. I am beyond powerless on if/how to have a healthy adult relationship with him. He has asked me to stop contact, so am torn on if that includes his birthday/not. What I do know is that if I am willing to stay aligned with the God of my understanding, the answer will come. I am powerless over where we are and I can accept what is, one day at a time.
I have been negotiating with my insurance company two-fold - the total of my car as well as hail/wind damage to both of our homes. I hit a wall yesterday, and requested 2 escalations, one for each situation. I also reached out to my agent and my contractor, and empowered them to manage the issues for me/us. What I know is I am not an expert in either situation, and recovery has taught me to engage experts/others when I need help. So, for me and my stage of life, powerlessness and acceptance apply well beyond how this disease affects myself and my small piece of this world.
(((Daffodils))) - I rarely touch upon a share in our dailies as my mind tells me it might be cross-talk, but did want to say that I can relate. I admit that when another spoke to mine, and seemed to be heard/valued, after I'd tried for years, it was confusing and frustrating. It took me a while to find my own groove with letting go and focusing on me. I started with really simple things - pulling weeds (digging in the dirt is so good for my soul), taking walks, ear-buds w/music while doing chores, etc. I had been so obsessed/focused on my A(s) that it was a huge adjustment that required me to figure out what brought me joy. You got this!!
The sun is out today and I'm headed to golf shortly. I will do my best to go about my day with a positive attitude and a plan to stay in my own lane. Love and light family - (((Hugs))) too!
Acceptance is a hard one for me, in that I tend to not trust my perceptions of what is going on. Chalk that one up to a firm belief that reality is obscured by lived experiences and that the truth lies somewhere between my perspective and the perspective of others, coupled with close to a decade living with an active alcoholic. I'm really thankful to program friends for sharing their perspectives, because it helps me to trust myself and my perspectives over those of my A. (Which is an interesting situation that I'm observing with a good amount of lightness and humor. Would I conceptually trust an alcoholic's take on something? No. In practice, I find myself thinking there could be something in that perspective that is correct, and wanting to investigate my thought process further with Al-Anon friends.)
I see the program at work in that I don't get stuck or drawn in anymore, and instead I look at the situation with a bit of humor and patience. I make sure to talk things over with a program friend before making any decisions. I'm glad I can look at myself now with amusement and patience, and not frustration.
Cloudy here, but no rain right now. Might be the perfect time to get a puppy walk in!
I used to think step one was utter defeat....NOT!!!! it is accepting what is and "what can I do to take care of me???" and do ALL I can and then turn it over to my HP for the right outcome and it will be right if I do all , like you said, what I have the right to do and then let it go...let HP take over...I h ave been tested greately with this and the more I embrace the first 3 steps which were my hardest challenges, the more power I ended up with...Funny, give my powerlessness to HP and I end up with MORE power, and yea, acceptance does not mean forgiveness or that I like it...it is just seeing it for what it is so I can determine what do I do to care for me.................
...to understand acceptance and denial I placed another stage in the middle. To minimise.
I think I minimised and rationalised the drinking situation when I was in the middle of it.
I parked it up until i was strong enough, and ready to deal with it.
"To accept the things I cannot change," comes straight from the serenity prayer. And the courage that begins
to evolve out of step one give me strength and hope.
On our way to the airport yesterday- a three hour drive- I had a heated discussion with my SO about the effect my family had had
On her. Not a daily and yearly effect- but pivotal to how she had seen our relationship.
And of course I was powerless over how my own family behaved.
I have always believed on bringing things out into the open. When people are fully ready of course!
Airing our grievances.
We had to fill the rental car with fuel. Before getting to the airport.
I had bought kina along the way to the airport. Also avocados for family back home.
Kina is a sea food- and it was fresh. We had kina together in the petrol station car park and that seemed to settle the matter. Not just for the moment, I think- but for all time...
...my family relationships have improved considerably in recent times.
Getting this accelerated and concentrated ESH right there, has been a great help!
...
Thanks.