March 25, 2021 – ODAT – How to properly use Silence
Debb said
Mar 25, 2021
Silence, it is suggested, is a blessing when used in times of reflection and meditation, but if used as a way to punish the alcoholic,
as to avoid confrontation, can be, "A grim and furious silence" that "can be more crushing and wounding than harsh words". Under
those circumstances, it is suggested, that silence, in order to punish is considered the fruit of bitterness and resentment.
Todays Reminder:
Silence can be a two-edged weapon. It will hurt me if I use it to hurt someone else. Silence can also be a blessing, if I enter into it
serenely to take stock of myself and meditate on how I can improve.
God help me to know that silence, like speech, can reflect my inner feelings. Help me to use it, not as a cork to keep my anger bottled
up, but to express a healing quiet of the spirit."
Did some research, because for me, silence is important, without it there would be constant chaos. AH is (he admits) a part-time narcissist
and if any of you have had an opportunity to deal with a narcissist, their egos are larger than life itself. Couple that with alcoholism and it is
a grand slam. I found that using the grey rock" method with AH is the most humane way to live for both he and I. If he mistreats me I wait
till the next day and calmly tell him how he made me feel. He usually is defensive and argumentative and I just abide and move on. But my
appropriate silence is not to punish him, it is a way to avoid his numerous triggers, and I have no problem with that, I am grateful for this
knowledge and technique, but I will admit that before I understood anything about narcissism and/or alcoholism, my silence was borne of
bitterness and resentment.
1. Communicate with the alcoholic in your life, at a time when they are not drinking, what your expectations are. Communicate how you
are feeling at this time and what may have recently transpired that needs addressing. It is only fair that you do this because utter silence
does not solve the issues and they need to know that you view any derogatory actions on their part and the effect it is having on you and
your family needs to be remedied. They cannot be left in the dark. Mean what you say, say what you mean and do not say it meanly"
2. Going forward actions and attitudes that are personified: Moving on equates to our continued ability to detaching with love. Coping with
anger and resentment, building a life of your own, development of good attitudes and courtesy for both yourself and the alcoholic no matter
what they decide to do with their lives. We learned in Al-Anon, one cant cause, cure or control the alcoholic.
Have a wonderful day MIP family!!
Iamhere said
Mar 25, 2021
Thank you Debb for your service and the daily. BR (Before Recovery) I was either running my mouth overreacting or spreading tons of scornful silence. I had no moderation in how I handled many things, disease related or not. I am so, so, so grateful that recovery has given me the tools to examine 'this' and more and to instead consider a healthy response to what's going on around me.
Today, I use silence often with the pause. I truly pause to pray before I proceed so, so often it's become more natural than many other tools we've got. I am one who never paused before recovery. I was quick to reply, quick to offer advice, quick to offer judgement, almost always talking!!
I'm different now and I'm grateful. I move at a different pace and try to just keep my head and heart over my feet. I have the choice always how to respond and most are way better than when I used to react. What's so interesting is when I am dealing with the insanity of this disease, so often, my silence to pause ends with silence as the healthiest response.
Anger was my go-to for most of my life. I now know that anger is not a direct feeling, but a secondary feeling. For me, if I truly examine me and what I'm feeling, it's fear or disappointment. My preferred action always is to talk this out with another in recovery instead of trying to reason things out with my A(s). I am grateful for the many tools we have to keep our focus on us, including using silence for reflection/prayer.
I successfully donated blood today! I'm grateful to get it done until the next time. We had rain all day long so a good day to just rest and relax. Off to golf and volunteer for the next few days! The rain has brought so much green - I feel as if spring truly has arrived!!
SunnyFrogs said
Mar 25, 2021
Good evening.
Honestly,I don't care if silence is a punishment at times to AH. I think it's a necessary tool at times,not the punishment but rather the silence. It's much better than going round and round in a circular conversation that's leading to am argument. It's much better to walk away and not speak at all until I(and AH) can calm down. Sometimes a day or two of silence makes a huge difference.Sometimes it takes that long to be able to have a conversation at all without heated words,sometimes even longer. Whatever works is what's most important I think.
But silence at other times,I love that. I love sitting silently reflecting,it's healing for me.
mamalioness said
Mar 29, 2021
Wow! Debbie that was quite a share. To live with a narcissist is bad enough but to live with one who is an alcoholic? That is amazing that you can successfully do thisisnt this program great???
I love the strategy that you list in your share of the things that you do and yeah I noticed too that any type of silence if it is meant to hurt the other it shows and it not only hurts the sender but it sabotages any sorting things out later on. But there are times when I do decide I dont want to converse with somebody but Im not mean about it I just dont want to discuss anything as I have complex PTSD and there are times I just want my quiet and we can sort this out Later but I think the bottom line is healthy self-care and healthy boundaries but doing it in a positive and loving and healing way for both is the best approach for me no matter what the situation is. I sure got a lot out of reading your share. Thanks
Maresie888 said
Mar 31, 2021
Dear Deb
Certainly silence was something I.first embraced in al anon. Not joining in the argument. Not stepping in to rescue. Most of all of course not obsessing about what is going to.come next
The irony of course is that we get to be hands on practicing boundaries with those who are so far off the board
I have gone from being a person who was essentially boundaryless to being someone who is metculously observant with boundaries. I am so grateful for that opportunity. My life is so vastly improved with boundaries in tact. ..
In a similar vein I have gone from being a person who was absolutely merged with others. My life purpose was to be somehow transformed by a romantic relationship.
Now I am an independent self assured person with goals avd dreams for outside of any relationship
I have most certainly found tremendous results from the grey rock technique. Narcissists are such a peculiar blend of charisma, manipulation and relentless self absorption. Their ability to Transform every situation to being all about them is quite uncanny. While I have always been challenged to feel worthy they have such an extraordinary sense of entitlement
I am so thrilled for you that you can find a way to navigate through these extraordinary challenges. Being powerless was of course what overwhelmed me before I joined al anon. Those same features can affect me today but now I have many tools and mentors to guide me through these challenges
Silence, it is suggested, is a blessing when used in times of reflection and meditation, but if used as a way to punish the alcoholic,
as to avoid confrontation, can be, "A grim and furious silence" that "can be more crushing and wounding than harsh words". Under
those circumstances, it is suggested, that silence, in order to punish is considered the fruit of bitterness and resentment.
Todays Reminder:
Silence can be a two-edged weapon. It will hurt me if I use it to hurt someone else. Silence can also be a blessing, if I enter into it
serenely to take stock of myself and meditate on how I can improve.
God help me to know that silence, like speech, can reflect my inner feelings. Help me to use it, not as a cork to keep my anger bottled
up, but to express a healing quiet of the spirit."
Did some research, because for me, silence is important, without it there would be constant chaos. AH is (he admits) a part-time narcissist
and if any of you have had an opportunity to deal with a narcissist, their egos are larger than life itself. Couple that with alcoholism and it is
a grand slam. I found that using the grey rock" method with AH is the most humane way to live for both he and I. If he mistreats me I wait
till the next day and calmly tell him how he made me feel. He usually is defensive and argumentative and I just abide and move on. But my
appropriate silence is not to punish him, it is a way to avoid his numerous triggers, and I have no problem with that, I am grateful for this
knowledge and technique, but I will admit that before I understood anything about narcissism and/or alcoholism, my silence was borne of
bitterness and resentment.
1. Communicate with the alcoholic in your life, at a time when they are not drinking, what your expectations are. Communicate how you
are feeling at this time and what may have recently transpired that needs addressing. It is only fair that you do this because utter silence
does not solve the issues and they need to know that you view any derogatory actions on their part and the effect it is having on you and
your family needs to be remedied. They cannot be left in the dark. Mean what you say, say what you mean and do not say it meanly"
2. Going forward actions and attitudes that are personified: Moving on equates to our continued ability to detaching with love. Coping with
anger and resentment, building a life of your own, development of good attitudes and courtesy for both yourself and the alcoholic no matter
what they decide to do with their lives. We learned in Al-Anon, one cant cause, cure or control the alcoholic.
Have a wonderful day MIP family!!
Today, I use silence often with the pause. I truly pause to pray before I proceed so, so often it's become more natural than many other tools we've got. I am one who never paused before recovery. I was quick to reply, quick to offer advice, quick to offer judgement, almost always talking!!
I'm different now and I'm grateful. I move at a different pace and try to just keep my head and heart over my feet. I have the choice always how to respond and most are way better than when I used to react. What's so interesting is when I am dealing with the insanity of this disease, so often, my silence to pause ends with silence as the healthiest response.
Anger was my go-to for most of my life. I now know that anger is not a direct feeling, but a secondary feeling. For me, if I truly examine me and what I'm feeling, it's fear or disappointment. My preferred action always is to talk this out with another in recovery instead of trying to reason things out with my A(s). I am grateful for the many tools we have to keep our focus on us, including using silence for reflection/prayer.
I successfully donated blood today! I'm grateful to get it done until the next time. We had rain all day long so a good day to just rest and relax. Off to golf and volunteer for the next few days! The rain has brought so much green - I feel as if spring truly has arrived!!
Honestly,I don't care if silence is a punishment at times to AH. I think it's a necessary tool at times,not the punishment but rather the silence. It's much better than going round and round in a circular conversation that's leading to am argument. It's much better to walk away and not speak at all until I(and AH) can calm down. Sometimes a day or two of silence makes a huge difference.Sometimes it takes that long to be able to have a conversation at all without heated words,sometimes even longer. Whatever works is what's most important I think.
But silence at other times,I love that. I love sitting silently reflecting,it's healing for me.
I love the strategy that you list in your share of the things that you do and yeah I noticed too that any type of silence if it is meant to hurt the other it shows and it not only hurts the sender but it sabotages any sorting things out later on. But there are times when I do decide I dont want to converse with somebody but Im not mean about it I just dont want to discuss anything as I have complex PTSD and there are times I just want my quiet and we can sort this out Later but I think the bottom line is healthy self-care and healthy boundaries but doing it in a positive and loving and healing way for both is the best approach for me no matter what the situation is. I sure got a lot out of reading your share. Thanks
Dear Deb
Certainly silence was something I.first embraced in al anon. Not joining in the argument. Not stepping in to rescue. Most of all of course not obsessing about what is going to.come next
The irony of course is that we get to be hands on practicing boundaries with those who are so far off the board
I have gone from being a person who was essentially boundaryless to being someone who is metculously observant with boundaries. I am so grateful for that opportunity. My life is so vastly improved with boundaries in tact. ..
In a similar vein I have gone from being a person who was absolutely merged with others. My life purpose was to be somehow transformed by a romantic relationship.
Now I am an independent self assured person with goals avd dreams for outside of any relationship
I have most certainly found tremendous results from the grey rock technique. Narcissists are such a peculiar blend of charisma, manipulation and relentless self absorption. Their ability to Transform every situation to being all about them is quite uncanny. While I have always been challenged to feel worthy they have such an extraordinary sense of entitlement
I am so thrilled for you that you can find a way to navigate through these extraordinary challenges. Being powerless was of course what overwhelmed me before I joined al anon. Those same features can affect me today but now I have many tools and mentors to guide me through these challenges