Strategies for working with Enabling Partners who themselves are Alcoholics
biosphere said
Mar 24, 2021
Hi All,
Never thought I'd be here, but now that I am I'm very glad to see the community exists.
I have a middle aged sibling who has significant multi organ damage from alcohol abuse. There's a reasonable chance of near term death due to the level of damage, but we're are as optimistic as we can be.
None of the family live in the same country as this sibling, and with Covid restrictions no options are available to get there physically which has been very tough and frustrating to deal with.
Reality appears to be that if any drinking takes place moving forward, death is guaranteed within months, possibly weeks due to the amount of damage.
We're coordinating ourselves to be in a position to support a rehab option for when they get out of hospital, and we understand they need to be a willing participant for that to be viable.
It's complicated to work through and be effective as all communications are being done via txt/phone, mostly text.
They themselves are obviously the biggest challenge to moving forward.
The 2nd biggest challenge is that they live and work onsite with their alcoholic partner at a bar. The partner is the key enabler, and is an alcoholic themselves.
We see the partner as pivotal to the outcome.
Are there any resources/strategies available to guide dealing with enabling partners who themselves are in denial ? ( Have googled, but finding it a bit light on results though found a few articles. )
Thank you all x
BioSphere.
Debb said
Mar 24, 2021
I too welcome you to MIP and am sorry that you and your family are going through such a difficult time
concerning your sibling. I would suggest that you contact a local Al-Anon group for much needed
support. I realize that most Al-Anon groups are not meeting in person, but there are meetings via
Welcome, biosphere! I am sorry about your sibling. That is a very painful situation to face.
About others enabling an alcoholic's drinking -- I can only share my own experience. It might not be what you want to hear, but it's true for me.
My late husband also had multiple organ damage from alcohol, and I had to put him in a care home. I struggled with the fear that visiting family members and friends would get him alcohol, and my therapist even helped me come up with some wording I could use with these family members. We thought if I explained it as "doctor's orders" -- "The doctor is very strict and says he cannot have alcohol" -- that would be the way to go.
But something in my heart told me not to go there. I had been in Al-Anon for a while, and I realized that I did not Cause, could not Control, and could not Cure someone else's drinking. By trying to control the friends and family, that would put even more people on my "trying to control them" list, and that would just drive me even more crazy than I was already feeling. So I did not take that route. Yes, he did pass away, but I gave him the dignity of his own choices, and I am at peace with that.
My best wishes to you and your family. Keep coming back! People in Al-Anon understand.
-- Edited by Freetime on Wednesday 24th of March 2021 11:13:43 AM
Iamhere said
Mar 24, 2021
I too send a warm welcome to you Biosphere and am so sorry for what brings you to us. Alcoholism is a chronic disease, one that's progressive and truly never cured. Alcoholism is often called a family disease because it tends to affect family members who love and/or live with the A.
My own experience is that no matter what I've prayed for, asked for, pleaded for, etc. - the disease had all the control. I have lost every single battle against this disease and I am so utterly and greatly powerless over it. I come from a multi-generational family very familiar with this disease. I am a recovering A, married an A and have 2 A offspring.
My best course of action is now and has been to stand by and be ready to be of service WHEN asked. I've lost myself over and over again trying to battle this disease, and each time, I've fallen short. Yet, when I instead stand by, in a ready state to unconditionally love and honor those I care about who are impacted by the disease, I'm more able to be of service without throwing myself into the war.
I also suggest reading at the Al-Anon web site. There's tons of information about the disease, how it affects family and friends and how we can detach and yet still be of service. The pandemic does make all things much more difficult, and I've already got you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Take good care of you and keep coming back!
serenity47 said
Mar 27, 2021
It is frustrating, maddening, heart breaking and baffling to watch a loved one self destruct in front of our eyes.
My experience has been that I have never won the "battle" against the disease . I had to learn to drop my end of the rope and allow others to run their own life.
Where there is one enabler there is a thousand more on the sidelines and I burnt myself out trying to control all outcomes.
The best I have to offer is unconditional love. When and if I am asked for help , then I am willing to do what I am able to do to support another on their own journey. I cannot do it for them nor want it more then they do.
biosphere said
Mar 28, 2021
Hi All,
Thanks for the warm wishes and insights.
I've realized over the past few days that the instinct to control/prevent a negative outcome is not only fruitless, but also energy sapping - a waste of time.
Offering to be there when needed seems the way forward, but there's no doubt due to the nature of the problem that the family also need to take steps to insulate from various forms of damage beyond what's unavoidable.
BioSphere.
mamalioness said
Mar 29, 2021
I just wanted to stop in and say hello and welcome! I have a brother who will not quit drinking and I stay in my lane and dont hassle him about it because I cannot control or change or cure him I can only work on me. It hurts like hell because he is my best male friend and he is killing himself with 80 proof Liquor. Oh he tells me he has cut back to just one drink but thats baloney but I dont say anything I keep the topic casual and loving and about his work because he enjoys his profession as a marine mechanic and he is also a marine engineer, the guy is so talented, and it just breaks my heart but I just keep the conversations peaceful and loving. All we can do was work on ourselves and workout program and remember that the only thing we can change is ourselves. I am so sorry this has happened and he is not where are you can visit with him face-to-face, mine is in Massachusetts and I am in Texas so long distance. Keep coming back. This program works and this is the best Al-Anon community right here that you could find yourself in. I have been a member for a long time and it has helped me come to forgiveness for my alcoholic mother, it has helped me Come to accept in peace and love for my brother. The bitterness is gone the need to control is gone because I know it only hurts me and does nothing to impact him. Please keep coming back
Maresie888 said
Apr 1, 2021
Hi Bopsphere
One of my cousins had s bar for a while. That brought it's own set of problems which are one time he hooked me in with.
Then he went into another form of the entertainment industry. His partner did not last long. Her demise was fast
For s long line I felt okay about my cousin hooking me into his dreams. Then I got angry. I did not need that.
I do not like terrible term enablers. No one najes anyone use drugs or alcohol. As an adult they have their own lives.
There are many people in AA who came back from the brink.
They somehow managed to regroup. There is always hope.
I no longer play into thinking about the influence of others. Boundaries mean that I respect other people's choices. I am not an expert on what anyone should do with their lives
When we are surrounded or desperate about other people's self destruction it is easy to lose sight of our own lives
Al anon is particularly helpful in learning how to detach, refocus avd take care of ourselves in the midst of chaos
Having support is crucial. Having direction is crucial. Many many people in al anon have dealt with your situation I hope that you will consider going to zoom meetings and reaching out to them
Hi All,
Never thought I'd be here, but now that I am I'm very glad to see the community exists.
I have a middle aged sibling who has significant multi organ damage from alcohol abuse. There's a reasonable chance of near term death due to the level of damage, but we're are as optimistic as we can be.
None of the family live in the same country as this sibling, and with Covid restrictions no options are available to get there physically which has been very tough and frustrating to deal with.
Reality appears to be that if any drinking takes place moving forward, death is guaranteed within months, possibly weeks due to the amount of damage.
We're coordinating ourselves to be in a position to support a rehab option for when they get out of hospital, and we understand they need to be a willing participant for that to be viable.
It's complicated to work through and be effective as all communications are being done via txt/phone, mostly text.
They themselves are obviously the biggest challenge to moving forward.
The 2nd biggest challenge is that they live and work onsite with their alcoholic partner at a bar. The partner is the key enabler, and is an alcoholic themselves.
We see the partner as pivotal to the outcome.
Are there any resources/strategies available to guide dealing with enabling partners who themselves are in denial ? ( Have googled, but finding it a bit light on results though found a few articles. )
Thank you all x
BioSphere.
concerning your sibling. I would suggest that you contact a local Al-Anon group for much needed
support. I realize that most Al-Anon groups are not meeting in person, but there are meetings via
telephone and zoom, al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/ wishing you the
best outcomes.
Welcome, biosphere! I am sorry about your sibling. That is a very painful situation to face.
About others enabling an alcoholic's drinking -- I can only share my own experience. It might not be what you want to hear, but it's true for me.
My late husband also had multiple organ damage from alcohol, and I had to put him in a care home. I struggled with the fear that visiting family members and friends would get him alcohol, and my therapist even helped me come up with some wording I could use with these family members. We thought if I explained it as "doctor's orders" -- "The doctor is very strict and says he cannot have alcohol" -- that would be the way to go.
But something in my heart told me not to go there. I had been in Al-Anon for a while, and I realized that I did not Cause, could not Control, and could not Cure someone else's drinking. By trying to control the friends and family, that would put even more people on my "trying to control them" list, and that would just drive me even more crazy than I was already feeling. So I did not take that route. Yes, he did pass away, but I gave him the dignity of his own choices, and I am at peace with that.
My best wishes to you and your family. Keep coming back! People in Al-Anon understand.
-- Edited by Freetime on Wednesday 24th of March 2021 11:13:43 AM
My own experience is that no matter what I've prayed for, asked for, pleaded for, etc. - the disease had all the control. I have lost every single battle against this disease and I am so utterly and greatly powerless over it. I come from a multi-generational family very familiar with this disease. I am a recovering A, married an A and have 2 A offspring.
My best course of action is now and has been to stand by and be ready to be of service WHEN asked. I've lost myself over and over again trying to battle this disease, and each time, I've fallen short. Yet, when I instead stand by, in a ready state to unconditionally love and honor those I care about who are impacted by the disease, I'm more able to be of service without throwing myself into the war.
I also suggest reading at the Al-Anon web site. There's tons of information about the disease, how it affects family and friends and how we can detach and yet still be of service. The pandemic does make all things much more difficult, and I've already got you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Take good care of you and keep coming back!
My experience has been that I have never won the "battle" against the disease . I had to learn to drop my end of the rope and allow others to run their own life.
Where there is one enabler there is a thousand more on the sidelines and I burnt myself out trying to control all outcomes.
The best I have to offer is unconditional love. When and if I am asked for help , then I am willing to do what I am able to do to support another on their own journey. I cannot do it for them nor want it more then they do.
Thanks for the warm wishes and insights.
I've realized over the past few days that the instinct to control/prevent a negative outcome is not only fruitless, but also energy sapping - a waste of time.
Offering to be there when needed seems the way forward, but there's no doubt due to the nature of the problem that the family also need to take steps to insulate from various forms of damage beyond what's unavoidable.
BioSphere.
Hi Bopsphere
One of my cousins had s bar for a while. That brought it's own set of problems which are one time he hooked me in with.
Then he went into another form of the entertainment industry. His partner did not last long. Her demise was fast
For s long line I felt okay about my cousin hooking me into his dreams. Then I got angry. I did not need that.
I do not like terrible term enablers. No one najes anyone use drugs or alcohol. As an adult they have their own lives.
There are many people in AA who came back from the brink.
They somehow managed to regroup. There is always hope.
I no longer play into thinking about the influence of others. Boundaries mean that I respect other people's choices. I am not an expert on what anyone should do with their lives
When we are surrounded or desperate about other people's self destruction it is easy to lose sight of our own lives
Al anon is particularly helpful in learning how to detach, refocus avd take care of ourselves in the midst of chaos
Having support is crucial. Having direction is crucial. Many many people in al anon have dealt with your situation I hope that you will consider going to zoom meetings and reaching out to them
Maresie