Thought I had forgiven everything, but the latest crisis caused by alcoholism feels unforgivable. Every day I ask my Higher Power to HELP me overcome the hurt. Any advice out there on forgiveness?
Freetime said
Mar 4, 2021
Welcome, Bbrave -- I am glad that you found us and shared your question. For me, forgiveness has taken time. It was not quick, and is not perfect. Something that helped me was this definition -- which I saw somewhere and do not know the source -- "Forgiveness is releasing someone from a debt they can never repay." It's just releasing. It does not mean whatever happened was right, or good. It happened. I can't make it un-happen. I have to let it go, but that is not simple.
Forgiveness does not mean I can't have boundaries. In my case the first boundary was living separately. That gave me some relief from the constant stress, so I could think more clearly. It was progress not perfection.
I also had to forgive myself. Working the 12 Steps in Al-Anon has helped me learn to love myself enough that I came to understand that I deserve a peaceful life. I am lovable, I am worth it, no matter what anyone else says or thinks, no matter the unkind thoughts I think to myself. It helped to put the focus on me. It helped when I opened up to trusted people about what was going on.
It helped me when I learned that alcoholism is a progressive illness and will inevitably get worse unless the person can stop drinking entirely -- which is not easy for them. It helped me to learn the concept that my loved one did not choose alcohol over me -- he chose alcohol over no alcohol.
I hope some of this helps you. Take what you like and leave the rest. And again, welcome to MIP -- you are not alone.
Bbrave said
Mar 4, 2021
THANK YOU - so much wisdom! I am so grateful.
Debb said
Mar 4, 2021
Welcome to you as well {{Bbrave}} to MIP, glad you found us and could share.
I am sorry you are having such a hard time, but have heart, these trying times
are the gateway to peace and knowledge, because Al-Anon does work when you
work the program. I found that the most important thing I could do during those
very difficult times of despair, resentment and hurt was to wrap them up in your
arms and hand them to your Higher Power. Those difficult emotions are usually
the result of what is out of our control and our Higher Power is there to take
them off of your plate (so to speak) and it is such a relief. Then you are able
to work the program for you. without all that heavy emotional baggage. It will
be easier to take a step back and acknowledge that we cannot control, cause
or cure this disease and are in a much better place to (perspective) forgive.
Please keep coming back to chat and if you can, think about joining a local
Al-Anon support group because, although you can come here to this forum
anytime, having local support will make a big difference. Also, getting some
Al-Anon literature to read daily is also a very big help!! We do readings here
on MIP everyday. MIP also gives everyone an opportunity to work the 12
Steps if you are interested. {{HUGS}}
-- Edited by Debb on Thursday 4th of March 2021 12:18:25 PM
Maresie888 said
Mar 4, 2021
Learning how to detach is vey hard
That is esoeciallynwhen you are in a lot of pain
For me in retrospect being around an alcoholic was triggering
Soecific issues are very very trigggering for me
They are :
1) Disappointment. I had unrealistic expectations
2) Being ignored. Neglect was a big part of ny childhood
3) Abandonment. The abandonment was perceived.
4) Codeoendency. I learned codeoendency as a child
That is a start
Immersing myself in the program.was very helpful
I can vouch for this is an incredibly supportive group. They are loving kind and very supportive
Maresie
Iamhere said
Mar 4, 2021
Welcome to MIP bbrave - glad you found us and so glad you shared. If you look a couple posts above mine at Debb's signature, it speaks to me and helped me with forgiveness. I'd been told that forgiveness was for me, and not about another but I struggled with holding on to the hurt, the anger, the bad choices, etc.
I am a visual learner so to see simply stated that forgiveness is about freeing up space in my heart for positive energy, light and love - that really helped me let go.
You aren't alone - I hope you keep coming back - there's hope and help in recovery.
sunmustshine said
Mar 6, 2021
(((Bbrave))) Im sorry you are hurting. Some ugly stuff happens as a result of alcoholism. I agree with the above. Take good care of yourself first and give yourself whatever time you need to get to forgiveness. I struggle with forgiveness sometimes. Are some things unforgivable? I think so, but most are not. HP will let you know when its time. Forgiveness comes when its supposed to.
SunnyFrogs said
Mar 6, 2021
There's things AH has said/done that feel "unforgivable". Rather than trying to find a way to forgive him it has me working on myself even more.
I ask myself why I am still with someone that has hurt me so deeply that I feel I can never forgive them. I do believe if I had more self esteem and self respect I wouldn't be.
I personally don't believe this program is meant to help me find ways to overlook or let go of unforgivable things . I think it's meant more for me to find my worth and not tolerate certain behavior and have the ability to know when enough is enough.
I would never allow anyone else get away with some things AH has said and done. They would be cut out of my life in an instant. Being an A is not an excuse or a free pass.
I don't want to forgive some things, they feel unforgivable for a reason.
That's just me though and I know others feel differently.
Daffodils said
Mar 6, 2021
Wow SunnyFrogs. I came to to the board to distract myself from AH who is showing me utter disrespect right at this moment. I am amazed at how I relate to you. Thanks for your honest shares. You have been so helpful to me. And thanks to all the members- you keep hope alive. I am able to work through the pain rather than wallow in it.
Maresie888 said
Mar 6, 2021
Forhibinh someone I'd s lot aboutnwhethet t j.g eye still have the opportunity to hiram. I do m.j ot iniwnig I will ever forgive the qualifier who bought me here. I know in the past month my anger at him has lessened
On many levels for me being around any addict means I lose myself. Some of that is because of the incredible chaos they bring everywhere they go.
Everyday I set boundaries the better my life is. I have had yo study boundaries over and over. Get books pour over them and learn many innovative ways of saying no
For me my attachment to the qualifier and others was about my.-anxious attachment. That attachment over rode boundaries, chaos and reality. That attachment was activated by many things the qualifier did. The reality is the worse it was the more attached I was because of the terrible anxiety I felt in those situations
Trapped in that attachment and not able to quantify what I was going through my self esteem plunged further and further down ward. .
Boundaries have been one.of the ways I have dug myself out .
Yet even with boundaries there still are plenty of situations Incannot say no to
Covid 19.being one.of them
Al.anon has helped me to detach and get some distance fro. Certain situations
I am grateful every day for having al anon to aid me because without it I would definitely be lost
duffs said
Mar 7, 2021
Re Forgiveness
It's so very challenging :(
I was hurt v deeply by last partner also an addict.
My mantra has been " I'll never understand your actions but I forgive you" ....I found this releasing of the heavy emotion of disgust and hatred.
I can highly recommend the chapter on forgiveness in The Gift by Edith Eger.... she's a psychologist who's a holocaust survivor.
I hope it's ok to recommend books out with AA literature on here
#newbie
Thought I had forgiven everything, but the latest crisis caused by alcoholism feels unforgivable. Every day I ask my Higher Power to HELP me overcome the hurt. Any advice out there on forgiveness?
Forgiveness does not mean I can't have boundaries. In my case the first boundary was living separately. That gave me some relief from the constant stress, so I could think more clearly. It was progress not perfection.
I also had to forgive myself. Working the 12 Steps in Al-Anon has helped me learn to love myself enough that I came to understand that I deserve a peaceful life. I am lovable, I am worth it, no matter what anyone else says or thinks, no matter the unkind thoughts I think to myself. It helped to put the focus on me. It helped when I opened up to trusted people about what was going on.
It helped me when I learned that alcoholism is a progressive illness and will inevitably get worse unless the person can stop drinking entirely -- which is not easy for them. It helped me to learn the concept that my loved one did not choose alcohol over me -- he chose alcohol over no alcohol.
I hope some of this helps you. Take what you like and leave the rest. And again, welcome to MIP -- you are not alone.
THANK YOU - so much wisdom! I am so grateful.
Welcome to you as well {{Bbrave}} to MIP, glad you found us and could share.
I am sorry you are having such a hard time, but have heart, these trying times
are the gateway to peace and knowledge, because Al-Anon does work when you
work the program. I found that the most important thing I could do during those
very difficult times of despair, resentment and hurt was to wrap them up in your
arms and hand them to your Higher Power. Those difficult emotions are usually
the result of what is out of our control and our Higher Power is there to take
them off of your plate (so to speak) and it is such a relief. Then you are able
to work the program for you. without all that heavy emotional baggage. It will
be easier to take a step back and acknowledge that we cannot control, cause
or cure this disease and are in a much better place to (perspective) forgive.
Please keep coming back to chat and if you can, think about joining a local
Al-Anon support group because, although you can come here to this forum
anytime, having local support will make a big difference. Also, getting some
Al-Anon literature to read daily is also a very big help!! We do readings here
on MIP everyday. MIP also gives everyone an opportunity to work the 12
Steps if you are interested. {{HUGS}}
-- Edited by Debb on Thursday 4th of March 2021 12:18:25 PM
That is esoeciallynwhen you are in a lot of pain
For me in retrospect being around an alcoholic was triggering
Soecific issues are very very trigggering for me
They are :
1) Disappointment. I had unrealistic expectations
2) Being ignored. Neglect was a big part of ny childhood
3) Abandonment. The abandonment was perceived.
4) Codeoendency. I learned codeoendency as a child
That is a start
Immersing myself in the program.was very helpful
I can vouch for this is an incredibly supportive group. They are loving kind and very supportive
Maresie
I am a visual learner so to see simply stated that forgiveness is about freeing up space in my heart for positive energy, light and love - that really helped me let go.
You aren't alone - I hope you keep coming back - there's hope and help in recovery.
I ask myself why I am still with someone that has hurt me so deeply that I feel I can never forgive them. I do believe if I had more self esteem and self respect I wouldn't be.
I personally don't believe this program is meant to help me find ways to overlook or let go of unforgivable things . I think it's meant more for me to find my worth and not tolerate certain behavior and have the ability to know when enough is enough.
I would never allow anyone else get away with some things AH has said and done. They would be cut out of my life in an instant. Being an A is not an excuse or a free pass.
I don't want to forgive some things, they feel unforgivable for a reason.
That's just me though and I know others feel differently.
Forhibinh someone I'd s lot aboutnwhethet t j.g eye still have the opportunity to hiram. I do m.j ot iniwnig I will ever forgive the qualifier who bought me here. I know in the past month my anger at him has lessened
On many levels for me being around any addict means I lose myself. Some of that is because of the incredible chaos they bring everywhere they go.
Everyday I set boundaries the better my life is. I have had yo study boundaries over and over. Get books pour over them and learn many innovative ways of saying no
For me my attachment to the qualifier and others was about my.-anxious attachment. That attachment over rode boundaries, chaos and reality. That attachment was activated by many things the qualifier did. The reality is the worse it was the more attached I was because of the terrible anxiety I felt in those situations
Trapped in that attachment and not able to quantify what I was going through my self esteem plunged further and further down ward. .
Boundaries have been one.of the ways I have dug myself out .
Yet even with boundaries there still are plenty of situations Incannot say no to
Covid 19.being one.of them
Al.anon has helped me to detach and get some distance fro. Certain situations
I am grateful every day for having al anon to aid me because without it I would definitely be lost
It's so very challenging :(
I was hurt v deeply by last partner also an addict.
My mantra has been " I'll never understand your actions but I forgive you" ....I found this releasing of the heavy emotion of disgust and hatred.
I can highly recommend the chapter on forgiveness in The Gift by Edith Eger.... she's a psychologist who's a holocaust survivor.
I hope it's ok to recommend books out with AA literature on here
#newbie