Today's reading in One Day at a Time in Al-Anon points out that, when we hear of a fellow member experiencing cruelty or violence, we have a strong desire to give them advice -- to urge them to do what we think we would do in that intolerable situation. The problem is that not everyone is in a place or has the strength right now to make a radical change in their life. There is also the risk that following our advice could put them in even more danger and result in tragedy.
What we can offer is the idea that no one needs to feel trapped, and that there are always choices.
Today's Reminder: I do not know what course of action is right for anyone else. I can offer only comfort and compassion, and the good example of the life I am trying to build.
I know what it is like to feel trapped and terrified. When I hear of someone else in that situation, I would really love to rescue them and get them to safety. This reading reminded me of the time a woman shared in our Al-Anon meeting that she was preparing for the next day, when her ex, who had previously been in jail for domestic violence, was coming by to pick up his belongings. After the meeting, another member and I spoke with her. I showed her the page in How Al-Anon Works "A Special Word to Anyone Confronted with Violence," which says that there are times to call in specialized support. The other member and I and really encouraged her to get police stand-by at the time he was to arrive, since she was living alone and there would be no one else with her. We came on pretty strong, and pushed her to get on her phone right then and leave a message with the police station. She went along with it, and I think she was grateful. But she also might have felt bulldozed by us.
We learned the next week that everything had gone fine. But I still feel we went a bit too far. The truth is, she hadn't asked for advice, only shared what was going on and how she felt. My emotions about my own past got the better of me. If I had it to do over again, I would try to keep it on a spiritual level, perhaps make a suggestion, and leave it at that. She is a grown woman, and has her own higher power. This was about a year ago, and when meetings come back face to face, if I see her again, I think I'll make amends.
Debb said
Feb 26, 2021
FT thank you for your service, todays reading and your ESH.
I do understand and agree completely with todays reading and can clearly see the
reasons for not strongly advising anyone in this program to do or not do something
specific concerning their own private situation. I totally understand why you would
have perceived that situation as a true emergency with that members violent ex
returning for their things with no one there to protect her, but also understand why
maybe a gentle suggestion to her would have been more appropriate. That is how
we live and learn so that we can move on and teach/share our knowledge in Al-Anon.
{{HUGS}}
Iamhere said
Feb 26, 2021
Thank you Freetime for your service and the daily. Thank you both for your shares & ESH. Today's reminder could be the best go-to mantra for most of us in Al-Anon. We typically are loving, caring, giving folks and truly need to be reminded often that we can 'be' all this yet not 'control' other people, places and things...
I have experienced abuse in a relationship and when in it, I felt stuck, helpless and hopeless. There were a variety of others I confided in who each gave me their suggestion/advice. My head felt like it was overloaded with data and no clear solution surfaced for me. In retrospect, the calm, comforting suggestion of engaging authorities and exploring professional resources available to me would have been a 'gift'. I was young, inexperienced in many ways of life and had never heard the term abuse.
I've spent a lifetime offering advice to others, even when not asked. As a person in recovery, I no longer do so. I found it comforting that others allowed me to grow at my pace, heal as I was ready and offered me ESH vs. direction, judgement and advice. I support the right of every human to do what is needed as it is needed to find their peace and joy.
Al-Anon gives us a way to navigate life without needing to control it or others. I was not aware how controlling I really was - directly, indirectly, subtly and not-so subtly until I found humility, honesty and willingness. I was not aware how selfish I was in the same manners until the same. A huge majority of my stress and anxiety was and still can be caused by these two areas - control and selfishness. I have peace today knowing I don't have to live like that any more - I am free to be me and free to allow others to be who they need to be.
I do like that our literature is very specific about abuse. For me, I am able to find working solutions to most of life's problems in our literature if I am open and willing. Happy Friday all - spent the day at the golf course, returning tomorrow! Hope everyone's having a lovely start to the weekend! (((Hugs)))
Today's reading in One Day at a Time in Al-Anon points out that, when we hear of a fellow member experiencing cruelty or violence, we have a strong desire to give them advice -- to urge them to do what we think we would do in that intolerable situation. The problem is that not everyone is in a place or has the strength right now to make a radical change in their life. There is also the risk that following our advice could put them in even more danger and result in tragedy.
What we can offer is the idea that no one needs to feel trapped, and that there are always choices.
Today's Reminder: I do not know what course of action is right for anyone else. I can offer only comfort and compassion, and the good example of the life I am trying to build.
------------------------------------------------------------------
I know what it is like to feel trapped and terrified. When I hear of someone else in that situation, I would really love to rescue them and get them to safety. This reading reminded me of the time a woman shared in our Al-Anon meeting that she was preparing for the next day, when her ex, who had previously been in jail for domestic violence, was coming by to pick up his belongings. After the meeting, another member and I spoke with her. I showed her the page in How Al-Anon Works "A Special Word to Anyone Confronted with Violence," which says that there are times to call in specialized support. The other member and I and really encouraged her to get police stand-by at the time he was to arrive, since she was living alone and there would be no one else with her. We came on pretty strong, and pushed her to get on her phone right then and leave a message with the police station. She went along with it, and I think she was grateful. But she also might have felt bulldozed by us.
We learned the next week that everything had gone fine. But I still feel we went a bit too far. The truth is, she hadn't asked for advice, only shared what was going on and how she felt. My emotions about my own past got the better of me. If I had it to do over again, I would try to keep it on a spiritual level, perhaps make a suggestion, and leave it at that. She is a grown woman, and has her own higher power. This was about a year ago, and when meetings come back face to face, if I see her again, I think I'll make amends.
I do understand and agree completely with todays reading and can clearly see the
reasons for not strongly advising anyone in this program to do or not do something
specific concerning their own private situation. I totally understand why you would
have perceived that situation as a true emergency with that members violent ex
returning for their things with no one there to protect her, but also understand why
maybe a gentle suggestion to her would have been more appropriate. That is how
we live and learn so that we can move on and teach/share our knowledge in Al-Anon.
{{HUGS}}
I have experienced abuse in a relationship and when in it, I felt stuck, helpless and hopeless. There were a variety of others I confided in who each gave me their suggestion/advice. My head felt like it was overloaded with data and no clear solution surfaced for me. In retrospect, the calm, comforting suggestion of engaging authorities and exploring professional resources available to me would have been a 'gift'. I was young, inexperienced in many ways of life and had never heard the term abuse.
I've spent a lifetime offering advice to others, even when not asked. As a person in recovery, I no longer do so. I found it comforting that others allowed me to grow at my pace, heal as I was ready and offered me ESH vs. direction, judgement and advice. I support the right of every human to do what is needed as it is needed to find their peace and joy.
Al-Anon gives us a way to navigate life without needing to control it or others. I was not aware how controlling I really was - directly, indirectly, subtly and not-so subtly until I found humility, honesty and willingness. I was not aware how selfish I was in the same manners until the same. A huge majority of my stress and anxiety was and still can be caused by these two areas - control and selfishness. I have peace today knowing I don't have to live like that any more - I am free to be me and free to allow others to be who they need to be.
I do like that our literature is very specific about abuse. For me, I am able to find working solutions to most of life's problems in our literature if I am open and willing. Happy Friday all - spent the day at the golf course, returning tomorrow! Hope everyone's having a lovely start to the weekend! (((Hugs)))