Todays reading is about dealing with memories of past experiences, ones that are extremely difficult to accept and those that are more positive. The writer describes having found a safe place within alanon to deal with the pain of a childhood within a family affected by alcoholism. Although many people suggested to the writer that he/she may be dwelling too much on events of the past, the writer felt that the only way to be fully present was to come to terms with the past experiences and reactions to them.
The writer discovered that facing the worst memories allowed for positive memories as well. The quotation from Survival to Recovery (p.68) sums this up perfectly: Denial is broken when we quit hoping for a better past, accept the reality of that past, and set about creating a different present.
That last quotation is what resonated most with me from this page. I have found myself poring over memories of situations from my past, and then realizing part of that was me trying to influence what actually happened (in the past!). I have thought through different scenarios and spent time with what ifs. While I can recognize the importance of grappling with old memories, it is easy for me to get mired in them. What has helped me break out of that is to remind myself- this situation took place. It is complete from beginning to end and cant be influenced now. Leave it there. It has also been helpful for me to remember that in the same way we can find forgiveness for those who live with the disease of alcoholism, that includes us, the family and friends of alcoholics. It has been helpful and healing to remember that we all do the best that we can with the tools we have available at any given time.
I hope everyone enjoys a peaceful Sunday!
Mary
Daffodils said
Feb 21, 2021
Thank you for contributing to my healing. I've been up for 3 hours reading current and archived posts. I now have energy to shower, go for a walk and prep Sunday dinner. Have a day filled with blessings.
yanksfan51 said
Feb 21, 2021
This community is so helpful to our healing! Hope you have a peaceful day
Debb said
Feb 21, 2021
Thank you Mary for today's reading, your service and ESH.
I did not grow up in an alcoholic family, but I remember there was plenty of dysfunction.
I try to use those painful past experiences to find answers to why they may still affect me, because
I chose two spouses who are/were verbally abusive. I discovered that there was lots of, behind the
scenes control mechanisms and too many secrets that made me feel self conscious and left out.
What it essentially did was it made me feel unwanted and defensive. I chose partners that essentially
felt caring and strong, but were ultimately good con men. Al-Anon has been instrumental in giving
me the tools to research and learn about myself and see that the past maybe held the answers
to my personality and at the same time helped me overcome them and work on bringing the present
into focus so that I can move forward feeling better about myself and my life. Very grateful Al-Anon
and MIP member!!!
Wishing everyone peace.
Daffodils said
Feb 21, 2021
Small gain...I noticed AH did not eat last night's dinner so it's on the menu today and today's efforts will be deferred to tomorrow. In the past, I would have been hurt and resentful. I was about to fill free time with laundry...then thought better of it...laundry is tool I picked up on this board to use to get a breather... (ha ha ha) on my way out for a looong walk. ((HUGS))
Iamhere said
Feb 21, 2021
Good morning MIP and happy to all. I am missing the bright sunshine of the last 2 days yet am 'giddy' about the weather forecast for the week ahead....I absolutely love in Springtime when things start to turn green from brown, bulbs begin popping up and all seems to come awake from a restful period.
Thank you Mary for your service and the daily. I am one who can trace this disease back 4 or 5 generations. Yet, most of my knowledge about my family and the past has become known as I've become an adult. I have known for a while that both of my grandfathers were alcoholics, each having a completely different experience with the disease. My parents are both untreated Adult Children and I am the only one of four in recovery.
I do not know a single person who does not carry some level of trauma from their past. I know for me that when present 'life' happens, my mind (from habit) wants to race to the past as a reference for what may happen next. For me, this is not a healthy step, simply because when I rely on the past for potential outcomes, I am setting aside my own growth in recovery, my maturity and wisdom in aging and most importantly my trust and faith in a power greater than I who really has the master plan.
When I am spiritual fit, I do better at opening the door to the past trauma of my life - to learn and see how far I have come. I no longer carry the weight of 'that' instead, have it packed in a corner for research only. I know that when I try to revisit the past and am not spiritually fit, I am more likely to stir up fear and pain. I do believe the only way to be present and positively anticipate the future is to let go of the past and trust the God of my understanding.
Practicing unconditional love and acceptance has been so very, very helpful for me in my recovery. When I am able to embrace others exactly as they are, as well as events, I am more able to find the good and lessons in every single event, present and past. I am not saying that I am grateful for the abuse or 'other' of my past trauma, yet that experience showed me how I don't want to be, and that I have a choice one day at a time to break cycles of disease and insanity in my lineage.
As I ponder all this, much of my learning has come about by knowing what I don't like, don't want to be, etc. A continual process of elimination through aging has brought me to a simple place today where I just intend to keep trusting God, cleaning my own 'house' and being of service. These 3 simple concepts that I explore each day give me the best results and align with my ultimate goal of peace of mind and heart.
Make it a great day all - find and keep your joy! For those who care, Joel's sermon today was/is, "Trouble is Temporary"....good messaging!!
DavidG said
Feb 21, 2021
...Thanks Mary... ... From Survival to Recovery was a life saver to me. Not sure if Hope For Today came before or after.
I think some ODAT readings were a little different from this one. More about being stoical and strong. But we would expect there to be some changes in approach, over time... ...
...finding the time and space to share our life story- take a bit of patience and courage.
A whole heap of letting go! ...
I like this a lot- that we all pitching together here. Parents of the A. Friends... ... children and siblings of... along with partners and spouses...
... I was taught from day one- to look at the similarities, and not the differences.
As a consequence of this i am still learning heaps.
Catching up on a lot of lost years.
Thanks to you all- for continuing ESH and support... ...
-- Edited by DavidG on Sunday 21st of February 2021 01:11:57 PM
PosiesandPuppies said
Feb 21, 2021
Thank you Mary for your service, and to all who have shared their experiences.
I am coming to terms with my FOO's stories/experiences... something that has shaped who I am today... b/c that is what has shaped them. Or at least who I was. Today I learn and grow through Al-Anon. Not always perfect, but certainly intent on changing! I am finding that I am dwelling too often with the past of my marriage as of late. It brings up melancholy. I know that I need to acknowledge it, but pack it away. I think it was important for me to see another say that one cannot change the past, and it is futile to try...it cannot bring you peace.
It kind of reminds me of the trend lately to "rewrite the past." If you say it loud enough and long enough, then people will begin to believe the fallacy instead of what actually occurred. The "Truth" gets buried in all the noise. The noise can be in my head as well... trying to deny what occurred and my role.
Thank you &
SunnyFrogs said
Feb 21, 2021
Good evening everyone.
I have said before that I have been diagnosed with PTSD from my childhood. I don't really have the option to not get caught up in old memeories/traumas when I have been triggered and my symptoms are in high gear. I do the best I can to just ride it all out until the symptoms subside.
When I get caught up in memories of all the things AH has said/done, I am discovering that I really do have an option, not like with the PTSD memories. For example today I started thinking about something AH both said and did in December and had myself so upset and hurt over it. Again. Instead of allowing myself to spiral down into all the anger and resentment I got busy washing kitchen cupboards down as I listened to podcasts. It worked, it made me let go of the memory and calm down.
-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Sunday 21st of February 2021 07:11:10 PM
Good morning everyone:
Todays reading is about dealing with memories of past experiences, ones that are extremely difficult to accept and those that are more positive. The writer describes having found a safe place within alanon to deal with the pain of a childhood within a family affected by alcoholism. Although many people suggested to the writer that he/she may be dwelling too much on events of the past, the writer felt that the only way to be fully present was to come to terms with the past experiences and reactions to them.
The writer discovered that facing the worst memories allowed for positive memories as well. The quotation from Survival to Recovery (p.68) sums this up perfectly: Denial is broken when we quit hoping for a better past, accept the reality of that past, and set about creating a different present.
That last quotation is what resonated most with me from this page. I have found myself poring over memories of situations from my past, and then realizing part of that was me trying to influence what actually happened (in the past!). I have thought through different scenarios and spent time with what ifs. While I can recognize the importance of grappling with old memories, it is easy for me to get mired in them. What has helped me break out of that is to remind myself- this situation took place. It is complete from beginning to end and cant be influenced now. Leave it there. It has also been helpful for me to remember that in the same way we can find forgiveness for those who live with the disease of alcoholism, that includes us, the family and friends of alcoholics. It has been helpful and healing to remember that we all do the best that we can with the tools we have available at any given time.
I hope everyone enjoys a peaceful Sunday!
Mary
This community is so helpful to our healing! Hope you have a peaceful day
I did not grow up in an alcoholic family, but I remember there was plenty of dysfunction.
I try to use those painful past experiences to find answers to why they may still affect me, because
I chose two spouses who are/were verbally abusive. I discovered that there was lots of, behind the
scenes control mechanisms and too many secrets that made me feel self conscious and left out.
What it essentially did was it made me feel unwanted and defensive. I chose partners that essentially
felt caring and strong, but were ultimately good con men. Al-Anon has been instrumental in giving
me the tools to research and learn about myself and see that the past maybe held the answers
to my personality and at the same time helped me overcome them and work on bringing the present
into focus so that I can move forward feeling better about myself and my life. Very grateful Al-Anon
and MIP member!!!
Wishing everyone peace.
Thank you Mary for your service and the daily. I am one who can trace this disease back 4 or 5 generations. Yet, most of my knowledge about my family and the past has become known as I've become an adult. I have known for a while that both of my grandfathers were alcoholics, each having a completely different experience with the disease. My parents are both untreated Adult Children and I am the only one of four in recovery.
I do not know a single person who does not carry some level of trauma from their past. I know for me that when present 'life' happens, my mind (from habit) wants to race to the past as a reference for what may happen next. For me, this is not a healthy step, simply because when I rely on the past for potential outcomes, I am setting aside my own growth in recovery, my maturity and wisdom in aging and most importantly my trust and faith in a power greater than I who really has the master plan.
When I am spiritual fit, I do better at opening the door to the past trauma of my life - to learn and see how far I have come. I no longer carry the weight of 'that' instead, have it packed in a corner for research only. I know that when I try to revisit the past and am not spiritually fit, I am more likely to stir up fear and pain. I do believe the only way to be present and positively anticipate the future is to let go of the past and trust the God of my understanding.
Practicing unconditional love and acceptance has been so very, very helpful for me in my recovery. When I am able to embrace others exactly as they are, as well as events, I am more able to find the good and lessons in every single event, present and past. I am not saying that I am grateful for the abuse or 'other' of my past trauma, yet that experience showed me how I don't want to be, and that I have a choice one day at a time to break cycles of disease and insanity in my lineage.
As I ponder all this, much of my learning has come about by knowing what I don't like, don't want to be, etc. A continual process of elimination through aging has brought me to a simple place today where I just intend to keep trusting God, cleaning my own 'house' and being of service. These 3 simple concepts that I explore each day give me the best results and align with my ultimate goal of peace of mind and heart.
Make it a great day all - find and keep your joy! For those who care, Joel's sermon today was/is, "Trouble is Temporary"....good messaging!!
I think some ODAT readings were a little different from this one. More about being stoical and strong. But we would expect there to be some changes in approach, over time...
...
...finding the time and space to share our life story- take a bit of patience and courage.
A whole heap of letting go!
...
I like this a lot- that we all pitching together here. Parents of the A. Friends... ... children and siblings of... along with partners and spouses...
... I was taught from day one- to look at the similarities, and not the differences.
As a consequence of this i am still learning heaps.
Catching up on a lot of lost years.
Thanks to you all- for continuing ESH and support...
...
-- Edited by DavidG on Sunday 21st of February 2021 01:11:57 PM
I am coming to terms with my FOO's stories/experiences... something that has shaped who I am today... b/c that is what has shaped them. Or at least who I was. Today I learn and grow through Al-Anon. Not always perfect, but certainly intent on changing! I am finding that I am dwelling too often with the past of my marriage as of late. It brings up melancholy. I know that I need to acknowledge it, but pack it away. I think it was important for me to see another say that one cannot change the past, and it is futile to try...it cannot bring you peace.
It kind of reminds me of the trend lately to "rewrite the past." If you say it loud enough and long enough, then people will begin to believe the fallacy instead of what actually occurred. The "Truth" gets buried in all the noise. The noise can be in my head as well... trying to deny what occurred and my role.
Thank you
Good evening everyone.
I have said before that I have been diagnosed with PTSD from my childhood. I don't really have the option to not get caught up in old memeories/traumas when I have been triggered and my symptoms are in high gear. I do the best I can to just ride it all out until the symptoms subside.
When I get caught up in memories of all the things AH has said/done, I am discovering that I really do have an option, not like with the PTSD memories. For example today I started thinking about something AH both said and did in December and had myself so upset and hurt over it. Again. Instead of allowing myself to spiral down into all the anger and resentment I got busy washing kitchen cupboards down as I listened to podcasts. It worked, it made me let go of the memory and calm down.
-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Sunday 21st of February 2021 07:11:10 PM