My partner of ten years has been addicted to alcohol and cannabis since I met him 12 years ago. We now have 2 young children. Throughout our relationship and childrens lives he has been unpredictable in his moods and also his presence. He can be an amazing dad and very caring and loving partner. He is high functioning though has lost businesses and friends due to substance abuse. He has also caused strain in my relationships with friends and family due to his behaviour. I have struggled with my mental health in this time Im not sure of it is related to his behaviour or not, I did seek treatment in the form of cbt and anti-depressants. I struggle with feelings of guilt and self-hate and I am probably quite a selfish and unepathetic person so I havent helped him as much as I could have or always been very supportive.
Im now really struggling with feelings of guilt around not loving him anymore and feeling angry at him, I feel like it has disrupted and impacted the lives of my children, their development and happiness is something I feel huge pressure and guilt around (my issue I know). I have so much built up resentment from lies, poor behaviour, treating others unkindly and rudely, ruining holidays and occasions and letting us down and being unpredictable with child care . He doesnt take any care in his appearance and I do not find him attractive, in fact I sometimes find it painful to look at him as he looks so unwell. He can be emotionally abusive and is very good at putting all of the blame onto me. Im aware that I blame a lot of what I am unhappy about Im my situation on him and that is not right or fair and is an easy way out, I am in no way perfect! But I find it hard to unpick the causes and effect of issues in our lives and its hard for me to take account for things and work on myself when I dont know which are actually caused by his behaviour.
He blames me a lot for not supporting him and giving him the love he needs to get through it, he expects unconditional love and Ive spoken to his family in his lowest points but they think all he needs is my love and support too. But I feel empty of love for him and Ive just become focussed on the children and not him. Now he has started to give up alcohol but still have relapses, he is not honest with me as to the extent of these, very likely because Ive been judgemental and unsupportive. He has mostly replaced drinking with cannabis use and I know lots of people think this is a positive step but he is smoking a great deal and I think that this has a negative effect on his metal health, I dont like the smell or him being stoned when he is around the kids but part of this is due to my view of cannabis and I know others think it is harmless and far preferable to alcohol. I didnt expect or want to bring children up with someone who smokes all day and thats my bad for not addressing it a long time ago and I cant expect him to change but now we are in this situation its very hard. He says he has a long term strategy for giving up everything and part of that plan is smoking weed and its all part of the plan and its under control I should just trust and support but how do I know how long to wait, the extent of his drinking and smoking and if it will ever change. He has underlying issues for which hed benefit speaking to a therapist (who doesnt!) but he wont do this at present and feels he can work his own way out of it with my support but I feel like I have nothing left to give and no love left and for this I feel extremely guilty. I want to keep our family together especially for the kids and at what expense? I see glimpses of the man I once loved but will it be enough if he ever gets out of this to save the relationship, I just dont know. And Im so exhausted. I dont really expect anyone to read this ramble never mind reply but i just wondered if anyone else has had these feelings and managed to salvage a relationship.
Maresie888 said
Feb 19, 2021
Glad you are here
Al.anon is tremendously helpful
I can most definitely relate closely to your story
Al anon is effective. No.mater what you do al anon.cam be immensely helpful
Maresie
WendyP said
Feb 19, 2021
Hi Ruskin, firstly, you are in the right place for you to get help. I pray that you will stay and find help for yourself, and then that flows on to your children and partner. You need to know that to be very proud of yourself for having the courage and strength for reaching out for help the way you have done. All of us who have been affected like yourself have been where you are, I had to hit a real hard rock bottom, for me to reach out for help. The pain was real motive for me to reach out when I was so scared, and didn't know where or what I was supposed to do, but to do something, as I just couldn't go on any longer the way I was. I also could not have recovered without Al-Anon.
I can relate to your story and all that you have said, that was like mine,you are certainly not alone. There are so many wonderful people on this online program that will be able to help you, hold your hand, pray for you guide you, and give you a lot of support as you learn about the Disease of Alcoholism and all that it brings. It's not easy, or comfortable, but certainly worth if you want to find Peace for yourself and your Children.
Try to be good to yourself, you are dealing with a very cunning, baffling, insidious, powerful Disease. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, nor cure it.
I will keep you and your children, and partner in my prayers, and hope that you will find the help that you deserve.
Love Wend P.
Iamhere said
Feb 20, 2021
Welcome to MIP Ruskin - so glad you found us and so glad that you shared. I also can relate to your share - when I got to Al-Anon, I felt so defeated, and hopeless. When I went to my first meeting, and was told to work on myself, it angered me deeply. In my mind (at the time), I did not consider me the problem and resented those who suggested I needed to grow/change/get healthy.
I returned home trying to change others, control the disease and the diseased and hit my own bottom. I returned to Al-Anon, truly defeated and humbled by the power of this disease. I slowly began to practice what was suggested and with effort, willingness, humility and the support of this program, I'm in a much better place.
I realize the pandemic presents challenges for F2F meetings (Face to Face), yet encourage you to attend if you can. The meetings gave me a safe place to just breathe, listen and absorb what others shared. If that's not an option, there are also Zoom meetings and other options available on the official Al-Anon website.
Please know that you are not alone and there is hope and help in recovery. Each of us has a slightly different journey, and mine is still unfolding. Keep coming back!
Debb said
Feb 20, 2021
Hello Ruskin thank you for sharing your fears and concerns, which are what drives all of us here on MIP
to seek the support, information and healing of the Al-Anon program. I do not know the age of your
children, but they can greatly benefit from Al-a-teen program as well. We learn in Al-Anon that we can
not cause, cure or control the alcoholic and that our focus should be on getting the knowledge and
support to when someone else is drinking and affecting our lives. "Detachment is neither kind nor
unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are
detaching. It is simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that
another person's alcoholism can have upon our lives." There are zoom and telephone meetings
and you are always encouraged to come here to talk with us as well anytime!! Please do come
back and let us know how you are doing and wishing you peace and serenity.
Lyne said
Feb 21, 2021
Greetings Ruskin. I totally relate you your share. Alcohol is a family disease and it has an impact with everyone dealing with an alcoholic/addict. You cannot fix him nor is it your job. But you can certainly take better care of yourself which will help the kids. Guilt, self-hate, criticizingall not helpful. Through this program I have become stronger and healthier. Many problems exist due to my As drinking/lying, etc. But I can be at peace much of the time. My situation is differentmy son is married with his own child. He cut my A out of his life 4 yrs ago. I dont blame him! I live part time near him and part time with my A. All of this is not the usually family situation but Ive found a way that works for me. I hope you will give alanon a try. Help and hope are available to you.
pinkchip said
Feb 22, 2021
Hi, welcome Ruskin! First, I want to validate the rough spot you are in. Treat yourself kindly if you can! The proposition of being stuck in a marriage with issues like you are talking about is sad, scary, and uncertain (in terms of what to do and when). You are in the right place and don't need to decide to really do anything right now with regard to the relationship.
A lot of people uneducated about addiction (and this included the alcoholic and often their family) believe you can "just love the addiction away!" I am a recovering alcoholic and alanon member also and I can tell you that before I quit, it was like a mantra I recited to my loved ones whenever I messed up and/or was confronted about my drinking. "You don't support me enough!" was a go to for sure and my alcoholic ex I was with at the time made the same statements to me. Little did I know, I was not the person to support him and vice versa, it was nobody's job to "support me" through my alcoholism or my subsequent recovery. I tortured my family enough with my drinking and to then demand they "support me no matter what!"...It was all a bunch of gas lighting and excuses I didn't know I was doing and I didn't even recognize that is what it was when it was being done to me.
My journey in AA and in Alanon taught me about "only owning what's on my side of the street." The 3 "C"s of alanon are gold! You didn't CAUSE this, can't CONTROL it, and can't CURE it. It is a truism and when I really absorbed that, it alleviated a lot of guilt plus it made me aware (as an alcoholic) that I needed to really change and work on blaming other people for my problems and keeping them emotional hostage as a result.
So, basically, just wanted to say I empathize with where you are at, treat yourself kindly, and do follow up with alanon as it helps unlock a way to step out of the insanity of addiction whether you stay in the relationship or not.
WendyP said
Feb 25, 2021
Hi PinkChip, I just wanted to say to you how much I enjoyed your sharing, and for your honesty. It can help a newcomer so much when they hear the other side. I regard myself as an older member, I have a few years under my belt.
But that is how my recovery took off, when I started to understand the Disease of Alcoholism, especially from the AA side of it. When I was first suggested to go to an AA meeting, I wasn't ready, I had too much hate, and anger. But when Alanon started to work for me, and on going to Conventions, AA weekends, I started to get a lot of friends in AA. I always use to ask them, what it was that made them get AA. It was most interesting, as the reasons were very varied. I saw and listened to their struggles, pain, and how they worked their programs.
It helped me to have an awful lot of compassion for them, and also for myself to to be grateful that I wasn't one.
The difference for me was to see how much I changed, the person who came into Al-Anon with so much anger, hate for the Alcoholic in my life at that time, to end up loving, caring, with compassion, and having a lot of recovering AA'S that became my close friends.
My partner of ten years has been addicted to alcohol and cannabis since I met him 12 years ago. We now have 2 young children. Throughout our relationship and childrens lives he has been unpredictable in his moods and also his presence. He can be an amazing dad and very caring and loving partner. He is high functioning though has lost businesses and friends due to substance abuse. He has also caused strain in my relationships with friends and family due to his behaviour. I have struggled with my mental health in this time Im not sure of it is related to his behaviour or not, I did seek treatment in the form of cbt and anti-depressants. I struggle with feelings of guilt and self-hate and I am probably quite a selfish and unepathetic person so I havent helped him as much as I could have or always been very supportive.
Im now really struggling with feelings of guilt around not loving him anymore and feeling angry at him, I feel like it has disrupted and impacted the lives of my children, their development and happiness is something I feel huge pressure and guilt around (my issue I know). I have so much built up resentment from lies, poor behaviour, treating others unkindly and rudely, ruining holidays and occasions and letting us down and being unpredictable with child care . He doesnt take any care in his appearance and I do not find him attractive, in fact I sometimes find it painful to look at him as he looks so unwell. He can be emotionally abusive and is very good at putting all of the blame onto me. Im aware that I blame a lot of what I am unhappy about Im my situation on him and that is not right or fair and is an easy way out, I am in no way perfect! But I find it hard to unpick the causes and effect of issues in our lives and its hard for me to take account for things and work on myself when I dont know which are actually caused by his behaviour.
He blames me a lot for not supporting him and giving him the love he needs to get through it, he expects unconditional love and Ive spoken to his family in his lowest points but they think all he needs is my love and support too. But I feel empty of love for him and Ive just become focussed on the children and not him. Now he has started to give up alcohol but still have relapses, he is not honest with me as to the extent of these, very likely because Ive been judgemental and unsupportive. He has mostly replaced drinking with cannabis use and I know lots of people think this is a positive step but he is smoking a great deal and I think that this has a negative effect on his metal health, I dont like the smell or him being stoned when he is around the kids but part of this is due to my view of cannabis and I know others think it is harmless and far preferable to alcohol. I didnt expect or want to bring children up with someone who smokes all day and thats my bad for not addressing it a long time ago and I cant expect him to change but now we are in this situation its very hard. He says he has a long term strategy for giving up everything and part of that plan is smoking weed and its all part of the plan and its under control I should just trust and support but how do I know how long to wait, the extent of his drinking and smoking and if it will ever change. He has underlying issues for which hed benefit speaking to a therapist (who doesnt!) but he wont do this at present and feels he can work his own way out of it with my support but I feel like I have nothing left to give and no love left and for this I feel extremely guilty. I want to keep our family together especially for the kids and at what expense? I see glimpses of the man I once loved but will it be enough if he ever gets out of this to save the relationship, I just dont know. And Im so exhausted. I dont really expect anyone to read this ramble never mind reply but i just wondered if anyone else has had these feelings and managed to salvage a relationship.
Al.anon is tremendously helpful
I can most definitely relate closely to your story
Al anon is effective. No.mater what you do al anon.cam be immensely helpful
Maresie
Hi Ruskin, firstly, you are in the right place for you to get help. I pray that you will stay and find help for yourself, and then that flows on to your children and partner. You need to know that to be very proud of yourself for having the courage and strength for reaching out for help the way you have done. All of us who have been affected like yourself have been where you are, I had to hit a real hard rock bottom, for me to reach out for help. The pain was real motive for me to reach out when I was so scared, and didn't know where or what I was supposed to do, but to do something, as I just couldn't go on any longer the way I was. I also could not have recovered without Al-Anon.
I can relate to your story and all that you have said, that was like mine,you are certainly not alone. There are so many wonderful people on this online program that will be able to help you, hold your hand, pray for you guide you, and give you a lot of support as you learn about the Disease of Alcoholism and all that it brings. It's not easy, or comfortable, but certainly worth if you want to find Peace for yourself and your Children.
Try to be good to yourself, you are dealing with a very cunning, baffling, insidious, powerful Disease. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, nor cure it.
I will keep you and your children, and partner in my prayers, and hope that you will find the help that you deserve.
Love Wend P.
I returned home trying to change others, control the disease and the diseased and hit my own bottom. I returned to Al-Anon, truly defeated and humbled by the power of this disease. I slowly began to practice what was suggested and with effort, willingness, humility and the support of this program, I'm in a much better place.
I realize the pandemic presents challenges for F2F meetings (Face to Face), yet encourage you to attend if you can. The meetings gave me a safe place to just breathe, listen and absorb what others shared. If that's not an option, there are also Zoom meetings and other options available on the official Al-Anon website.
Please know that you are not alone and there is hope and help in recovery. Each of us has a slightly different journey, and mine is still unfolding. Keep coming back!
to seek the support, information and healing of the Al-Anon program. I do not know the age of your
children, but they can greatly benefit from Al-a-teen program as well. We learn in Al-Anon that we can
not cause, cure or control the alcoholic and that our focus should be on getting the knowledge and
support to when someone else is drinking and affecting our lives. "Detachment is neither kind nor
unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are
detaching. It is simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that
another person's alcoholism can have upon our lives." There are zoom and telephone meetings
for al-anon that maybe you can look up a local group here: al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/
and you are always encouraged to come here to talk with us as well anytime!! Please do come
back and let us know how you are doing and wishing you peace and serenity.
A lot of people uneducated about addiction (and this included the alcoholic and often their family) believe you can "just love the addiction away!" I am a recovering alcoholic and alanon member also and I can tell you that before I quit, it was like a mantra I recited to my loved ones whenever I messed up and/or was confronted about my drinking. "You don't support me enough!" was a go to for sure and my alcoholic ex I was with at the time made the same statements to me. Little did I know, I was not the person to support him and vice versa, it was nobody's job to "support me" through my alcoholism or my subsequent recovery. I tortured my family enough with my drinking and to then demand they "support me no matter what!"...It was all a bunch of gas lighting and excuses I didn't know I was doing and I didn't even recognize that is what it was when it was being done to me.
My journey in AA and in Alanon taught me about "only owning what's on my side of the street." The 3 "C"s of alanon are gold! You didn't CAUSE this, can't CONTROL it, and can't CURE it. It is a truism and when I really absorbed that, it alleviated a lot of guilt plus it made me aware (as an alcoholic) that I needed to really change and work on blaming other people for my problems and keeping them emotional hostage as a result.
So, basically, just wanted to say I empathize with where you are at, treat yourself kindly, and do follow up with alanon as it helps unlock a way to step out of the insanity of addiction whether you stay in the relationship or not.
Hi PinkChip, I just wanted to say to you how much I enjoyed your sharing, and for your honesty. It can help a newcomer so much when they hear the other side. I regard myself as an older member, I have a few years under my belt.
But that is how my recovery took off, when I started to understand the Disease of Alcoholism, especially from the AA side of it. When I was first suggested to go to an AA meeting, I wasn't ready, I had too much hate, and anger. But when Alanon started to work for me, and on going to Conventions, AA weekends, I started to get a lot of friends in AA. I always use to ask them, what it was that made them get AA. It was most interesting, as the reasons were very varied. I saw and listened to their struggles, pain, and how they worked their programs.
It helped me to have an awful lot of compassion for them, and also for myself to to be grateful that I wasn't one.
The difference for me was to see how much I changed, the person who came into Al-Anon with so much anger, hate for the Alcoholic in my life at that time, to end up loving, caring, with compassion, and having a lot of recovering AA'S that became my close friends.
Once again, I thank you.
Love Wendy P.