So it's been nearly 5 months now since I asked my AH to leave, which he did. However, and maybe it's this seemingly neverending lockdown, but I feel lonelier than ever - even though I know that I was 'alone' even when I was with him.
There are times when I feel good, but times when I find myself remembering the good times before alcohol got its claws into him and it's those times which I can recognise as being really dangerous for me.
He has not moved on - he is waiting to come back, even though he is still active and not seeking recovery.
I know logically that the person I missed has gone and being lonely is making things worse, but I really hoped that I would start to feel better by now. In reality I feel bogged down raising the children on my own and looking ahead at an empty life before me.
Sorry this is a negative post - but it helps to write it down and recognise and accept how I feel. Thank you for listening.
Debb said
Feb 15, 2021
Bettertomorrow, your lonely feelings are not unusual because I can remember feeling the same way in the beginning,
before I was in Al-Anon for a number of years. In Al-Anon we learn to take care of ourselves and not the alcoholic,
which brings our lives into focus and we learn to view our feelings from a perspective that they are not the facts.
When I admit I do not have control over the alcoholic/their lives that takes all the worry from them and places my
focus on me where it belongs. Take good care of you because you are worth it!!
DavidG said
Feb 15, 2021
It's a wrench, Bt. ... Whatever I do I try to live in the present.
Some time that is painful, sometimes terrible. I looked forward
to a time that serenity and detachment kicked in- and it did.
But it did take time- one day at a time, one moment at a time. ...
Bettertomorrow said
Feb 16, 2021
Thank you everyone for your replies and support.
It has reminded me to keep the focus on me and to look for the joy and serenity in each moment, which is within my control and choice.
Certainly one day / hour at a time is right for me, right now. I am still in the dark forest to use a metaphor, but I can choose to still look for the glimpses of light coming through rather than to wish that I was out of the forest completely.
Boundaries have been my life saver and they keep me moving forwards in the right direction - I will now add an extra liberal dose of self care. Thank you once again.
Iamhere said
Feb 16, 2021
(((Bettertomorrow))) - it's a good thing to own, recognize and acknowledge how you feel - never apologize for the share! We're in this together and one gift for me from recovery is the ability to feel and realize what I am feeling. My go-to before was 'mad' - which was not really often my actual feeling. I was a very reactive person when sad, disappointed, upset,late, etc. and my reaction often was just angry.
For me, almost all true, authentic feelings in recovery at the beginning were foreign. I also had spent a variety of my life avoiding feeling which led me to a variety of unhealthy tendencies. My sponsor suggested I acknowledge what I feel, write about it if needed, talk about it if needed and pray about it - always. What she suggested I do is set a timer to sit with my feelings and then take action - any action to help me realize there is more to my life than what I feel in this moment.
The isolation from this pandemic most likely is magnifying loneliness for many/most. Before, I was able to go out, jump in the car, run an errand, meet a friend for coffee/meal, go to the driving range, etc. without planning, thinking, etc. Heck - going to the car wash was 'action' - I really like to clean up all things when I'm restless, so cars, closets, garage, house, yard, flower beds, etc.
I have a couple zoom meetings I attend. I have a couple of groups I text with each day. I have some folks I call to check in with often. I just had to find different ways to 'do' my social parts. Goodness - if you don't like zoom meetings for recovery, I am certain you can find them for 'other' - exercise, yoga, book clubs, etc. My best suggestion is I am better able to find my joy and my gratitude by taking action - any action - vs. sitting too long pondering 'the meaning of life'.
Finally, it's very normal and natural to grieve your relationship and the person who 'was' before the disease came. I actually believe it's healthy to grieve so long as we don't get caught up in 'wishful' thinking that another will change for 'us'. I always have hope for recovery in those I love yet had to realize I can be OK, have joy and live my life no matter what they're doing or not doing.
You're truly not alone in how you're feeling and what's happening. Keep coming back - it does work when we work it!
Daffodils said
Feb 17, 2021
Good Day ((Bettertomorrow )). Your share has touched me deeply and can truly relate to you. Every response on this thread holds profound messages. I struggled to find a helpful response then I realized listening was enough. I hear you. I feel you. And I pray you will be guided through this with love and care. I went through a divorce many years ago and experienced extreme loneliness without Alanon supports. Not pretty. I am now lonely in a new marriage but with Alanon, I have tools that put the focus on me. I see how I picked another ill partner, but this time I work on fixing me with the guidance of a HP, program and kindred spirits on this board that share their ESP. In short, although we've never met, trust that I care for you. The members on this board help me stay sane and ease my loneliness. The suggestions have proven helpful especially taking action and
having the strength to be vulnerable to share the pain. The messages inspired hope. May your day be filled with blessings.
Bettertomorrow said
Feb 18, 2021
Thank you I am here and daffodils (what a lovely name!),
Indeed it is enough to know that I am listened to here, understood, supported and cared for by strangers, who I will never meet - but who I know think of me and care about me from wherever you are in the world. That is something so special to me.
Wishing you all peace, love and serenity in your own journeys. BT (( ))
Iamhere said
Feb 18, 2021
Hey - who knows if we'll never meet....ha.ha.ha.ha. We jokingly used to discuss a reunion in Jerry's home at the time - Hawaii! This girl still dreams of a day when we can gather or unite somewhere, some time in the future!! (((Hugs)))
JerryF said
Feb 18, 2021
I know that feeling cause I've been feeling it lately. I am ready to leave Clovis Ca. and return to Hilo Hi. The oppositional defiant attitude I have been living with is sick to experience from my spouse who also is in this program while I sense I am still living with an alcoholic.
Letting go and letting God and asking Him for direction. Sleep is good and healthy for my spirit, mind, body and emotions so that is the next next thing. Good night. (((hugs)))
a4l said
Feb 19, 2021
I feel lonely too, sometimes. Sending hugs.
Daffodils said
Feb 19, 2021
I love the idea of meeting in Hawaii or California! I am here in the Great White North. It would be a great relief from this severe weather being experienced by many. Stay warm. Stay safe. And thanks for being part of my journey
So it's been nearly 5 months now since I asked my AH to leave, which he did. However, and maybe it's this seemingly neverending lockdown, but I feel lonelier than ever - even though I know that I was 'alone' even when I was with him.
There are times when I feel good, but times when I find myself remembering the good times before alcohol got its claws into him and it's those times which I can recognise as being really dangerous for me.
He has not moved on - he is waiting to come back, even though he is still active and not seeking recovery.
I know logically that the person I missed has gone and being lonely is making things worse, but I really hoped that I would start to feel better by now. In reality I feel bogged down raising the children on my own and looking ahead at an empty life before me.
Sorry this is a negative post - but it helps to write it down and recognise and accept how I feel. Thank you for listening.
before I was in Al-Anon for a number of years. In Al-Anon we learn to take care of ourselves and not the alcoholic,
which brings our lives into focus and we learn to view our feelings from a perspective that they are not the facts.
When I admit I do not have control over the alcoholic/their lives that takes all the worry from them and places my
focus on me where it belongs. Take good care of you because you are worth it!!
Some time that is painful, sometimes terrible. I looked forward
to a time that serenity and detachment kicked in- and it did.
But it did take time- one day at a time, one moment at a time.
...
Thank you everyone for your replies and support.
It has reminded me to keep the focus on me and to look for the joy and serenity in each moment, which is within my control and choice.
Certainly one day / hour at a time is right for me, right now. I am still in the dark forest to use a metaphor, but I can choose to still look for the glimpses of light coming through rather than to wish that I was out of the forest completely.
Boundaries have been my life saver and they keep me moving forwards in the right direction - I will now add an extra liberal dose of self care. Thank you once again.
For me, almost all true, authentic feelings in recovery at the beginning were foreign. I also had spent a variety of my life avoiding feeling which led me to a variety of unhealthy tendencies. My sponsor suggested I acknowledge what I feel, write about it if needed, talk about it if needed and pray about it - always. What she suggested I do is set a timer to sit with my feelings and then take action - any action to help me realize there is more to my life than what I feel in this moment.
The isolation from this pandemic most likely is magnifying loneliness for many/most. Before, I was able to go out, jump in the car, run an errand, meet a friend for coffee/meal, go to the driving range, etc. without planning, thinking, etc. Heck - going to the car wash was 'action' - I really like to clean up all things when I'm restless, so cars, closets, garage, house, yard, flower beds, etc.
I have a couple zoom meetings I attend. I have a couple of groups I text with each day. I have some folks I call to check in with often. I just had to find different ways to 'do' my social parts. Goodness - if you don't like zoom meetings for recovery, I am certain you can find them for 'other' - exercise, yoga, book clubs, etc. My best suggestion is I am better able to find my joy and my gratitude by taking action - any action - vs. sitting too long pondering 'the meaning of life'.
Finally, it's very normal and natural to grieve your relationship and the person who 'was' before the disease came. I actually believe it's healthy to grieve so long as we don't get caught up in 'wishful' thinking that another will change for 'us'. I always have hope for recovery in those I love yet had to realize I can be OK, have joy and live my life no matter what they're doing or not doing.
You're truly not alone in how you're feeling and what's happening. Keep coming back - it does work when we work it!
Thank you I am here and daffodils (what a lovely name!),
Indeed it is enough to know that I am listened to here, understood, supported and cared for by strangers, who I will never meet - but who I know think of me and care about me from wherever you are in the world. That is something so special to me.
Wishing you all peace, love and serenity in your own journeys. BT (( ))
I know that feeling cause I've been feeling it lately. I am ready to leave Clovis Ca. and return to Hilo Hi. The oppositional defiant attitude I have been living with is sick to experience from my spouse who also is in this program while I sense I am still living with an alcoholic.
Letting go and letting God and asking Him for direction. Sleep is good and healthy for my spirit, mind, body and emotions so that is the next next thing. Good night. (((hugs)))