It's been several long months since leaving my AH and in those months I've been staying with a dear friend who is like a sister to me. The clarity of looking back over the years and relationship was needed but (and I was warned about the possibility of this happening) but living with my friend has brought a lot of things to light, namely that the grass isn't always greener. Before moving here, I wasn't too attuned to my body's cues and how to read or appreciate my intuition. I used to notice that speaking with her on the phone or texting as we do now these days, I would feel drained of energy and "down." I hadn't noticed it as much years ago when I had my own place and vehicle but now, I have been a captive audience for nearly 6 months. I really should've listened to the wise persons who had warned me that this could happen but at the time I had felt desperately that I needed to leave and this was doable. Now I'm getting ready to return home to my AH. My A will still be an A but my resources(including my car) are better and marriage counseling is on the table. This month I will be taking a peer support class which I am looking forward to and I've also been on medication for 2.5 months which has made a world of difference in my mental and emotional wellbeing. That said I will have to continue the medication and individual/marriage counseling once I'm back home but this time around I am feeling better about my prospects as well as possibly obtaining employment as a peer support specialist. My worry is leaving here and how my friend is going to take it. I haven't spoken to her about it because of her own family troubles which I've mostly been a sounding board and support for her; I just can't think of how to bring my own life up to her when she's been going through so much drama. I feel like a bad friend but living here has felt agonizing with the constant negativity feeling like a dark cloud and fog. Any ESH would be so appreciated.
Iamhere said
Feb 12, 2021
(((Paloma))) - good to see you and so glad that you're doing well. I don't have any good direct ESH regarding the move from your friend's and how to break the news other that what our program suggests - Be Authentic, Say what you need to and trust your program and your HP. Departing physically doesn't mean you don't care or want to end the relationship, it just means you're taking another step for your own well-being. We are so inclined to put our needs last that it often feels foreign, bad, uncomfortable, etc. to put our needs first...
Take good care of you and keep coming back - your plan sounds good and your experience now shows that you can leave again if necessary - we are always able to change our minds, update out boundaries, etc. (((hugs)))
Debb said
Feb 12, 2021
Hello Paloma Negra glad to know you and sorry that you are having to deal with so many issues at once.
All I can say is that Al-Anon suggests that we must do what is right for ourselves, as long as we do/say
what is needed in a kind manner. Wishing you the best of outcomes for you and your friend.
Keep coming back!!
-- Edited by Debb on Friday 12th of February 2021 09:00:43 PM
Daffodils said
Feb 13, 2021
This is my first time posting but have followed for over two years.
Thank you Paloma for your your honest shares which have helped me tremendously.
I have a friend who offered me a place 6 months ago but my spirit would not budge even though her solution was "perfect ".
I realized she is a control freak and would basically be at her mercy.
I chose self and soul care and digging deep into the Alanon toolbox, and therapy which has enabled me to grow.
I am grateful to have a friend who is willing to house me in an emergency, be blessed with this board, and my A is not physically or verbally abusive. He is a gifted gaslight.
Thank you for helping me "cross the bridge ". It's a slow journey but I trust my Higher Power.
Thanks also to all the members who provide a great service especially in the tumultuous times.
Love, light and blessings.
Iamhere said
Feb 13, 2021
Daffodils - welcome to MIP! So, so glad that you reached out and shared. I am also happy to hear that you're working this program and are benefiting. Good on you! Keep coming back - you are not alone and there is always hope and help in recovery!!
Debb said
Feb 13, 2021
Welcome Daffodils, what a lovely share you have posted.
Please keep coming back, you are worth it!!
Lyne said
Feb 13, 2021
{{{Poloma}}} Wow your plate is full and your share brought out some great replies. If I had a friend who was able to try and repair some damage from the marriage, I would support her. This is actually a great step you are taking that some good could come from. I have tried counseling with my A with an addiction counselor, and the results I had hoped for did not happen, but there is some improvement which I am grateful for.
As someone else said, you are not "leaving " your friend emotionally. You can still be a support (if you wish) via phone, text, email, facetime, etc. That's how I would frame a discussion: I going to give my marriage another try through getting help, and I am available to you as I was before. I am grateful you gave me a place to stay during my crisis.
One thing alanon has definitely taught me is that I'm allowed to put myself first when I need/want to. Another lesson learned: mean what you say, say what you mean, but don't say it mean. Lots of good learning here for me! Lyne :)
Freetime said
Feb 13, 2021
{{{Paloma}}} and {{{Daffodils}}}, I am glad you are here. Thank you for sharing.
Your posts reminded me about self-care. I learned in Al-Anon that self-care doesn't just mean taking a bubble bath or getting a manicure -- it means, as they say on the airplane, putting on my own oxygen mask first. I do not need to feel guilty about taking care of myself -- whether that meant staying someplace or leaving someplace.
Keep coming back!
PosiesandPuppies said
Feb 13, 2021
((((Paloma))))
I have nothing new to offer you... you have received some great ESH already! But I would like to second the notion of being Authentic. What you are about to embark on is not selfish... it is self-care for this stage of your life. A good friend will understand this.
Welcome Daffodils! Your screen name makes me smile Choosing self/soul care is always best in the end.
It's been several long months since leaving my AH and in those months I've been staying with a dear friend who is like a sister to me. The clarity of looking back over the years and relationship was needed but (and I was warned about the possibility of this happening) but living with my friend has brought a lot of things to light, namely that the grass isn't always greener. Before moving here, I wasn't too attuned to my body's cues and how to read or appreciate my intuition. I used to notice that speaking with her on the phone or texting as we do now these days, I would feel drained of energy and "down." I hadn't noticed it as much years ago when I had my own place and vehicle but now, I have been a captive audience for nearly 6 months. I really should've listened to the wise persons who had warned me that this could happen but at the time I had felt desperately that I needed to leave and this was doable. Now I'm getting ready to return home to my AH. My A will still be an A but my resources(including my car) are better and marriage counseling is on the table. This month I will be taking a peer support class which I am looking forward to and I've also been on medication for 2.5 months which has made a world of difference in my mental and emotional wellbeing. That said I will have to continue the medication and individual/marriage counseling once I'm back home but this time around I am feeling better about my prospects as well as possibly obtaining employment as a peer support specialist. My worry is leaving here and how my friend is going to take it. I haven't spoken to her about it because of her own family troubles which I've mostly been a sounding board and support for her; I just can't think of how to bring my own life up to her when she's been going through so much drama. I feel like a bad friend but living here has felt agonizing with the constant negativity feeling like a dark cloud and fog. Any ESH would be so appreciated.
Take good care of you and keep coming back - your plan sounds good and your experience now shows that you can leave again if necessary - we are always able to change our minds, update out boundaries, etc. (((hugs)))
Hello Paloma Negra glad to know you and sorry that you are having to deal with so many issues at once.
All I can say is that Al-Anon suggests that we must do what is right for ourselves, as long as we do/say
what is needed in a kind manner. Wishing you the best of outcomes for you and your friend.
Keep coming back!!
-- Edited by Debb on Friday 12th of February 2021 09:00:43 PM
Please keep coming back, you are worth it!!
As someone else said, you are not "leaving " your friend emotionally. You can still be a support (if you wish) via phone, text, email, facetime, etc. That's how I would frame a discussion: I going to give my marriage another try through getting help, and I am available to you as I was before. I am grateful you gave me a place to stay during my crisis.
One thing alanon has definitely taught me is that I'm allowed to put myself first when I need/want to. Another lesson learned: mean what you say, say what you mean, but don't say it mean. Lots of good learning here for me! Lyne :)
Your posts reminded me about self-care. I learned in Al-Anon that self-care doesn't just mean taking a bubble bath or getting a manicure -- it means, as they say on the airplane, putting on my own oxygen mask first. I do not need to feel guilty about taking care of myself -- whether that meant staying someplace or leaving someplace.
Keep coming back!
I have nothing new to offer you... you have received some great ESH already! But I would like to second the notion of being Authentic. What you are about to embark on is not selfish... it is self-care for this stage of your life. A good friend will understand this.
Welcome Daffodils! Your screen name makes me smile