I have noticed that AH's side of the family, especially this year, did not recognize my birthday.
Did not give it much thought as it was in October. AH's birthday is this coming Sunday and
my parents sent him a card and gift, my daughter stopped by with a card and gift for him,
his brothers and sister sent him a card, but I never received any recognition from his siblings
on my birthday. I do know why, because as time goes on and I become more emotional
in tune with Al-Anon tools, AH has become more resentful and I believe he is bad mouthing
me to his family. They all are daily drinkers, am not sure to what extent because I have not
spent an extended time period with them, but do know that alcohol abuse runs in the family.
Part of me feels bad that I am not thought well of anymore and part of me feels relieved
that maybe I will just quietly stand down now when it comes to family gatherings. I was
wondering what you all have in the Al-Anon tool box that I am overlooking.
{{HUGS}}
Debb said
Jan 29, 2021
Thank you TT, I needed to hear your words of experience, advice & wisdom. I sensed the last holiday that we were with
AH's side of the family that there were inside forces going on (ya know like they had some sort of inside discussion
prior to the get together?). Felt a bit uncomfortable, but I handled it with a bit of grace and never said a word
to AH, cause that would have been something he would have loved to have known, that maybe what he did and said
behind my back actually upset me, but then he could go on a tirade to say that I was crazy too, which he thrives on!
He is definitely a part-time narcissist on top of a full-time alcoholic. You are so so right, that treating myself is the
best revenge. I shall learn from this that if his family wants to believe what AH has told them, that there is nothing
I can do about it and just be me. If that is not acceptable to them, then it is their lose, because I am not going to
let AH get the best of me either. Thank you again TT, you have been a great help!
Lyne said
Jan 30, 2021
Hi Debb~I relate to being part of a family with alcoholism. It is a complicated and confusing mess. I constantly try to practice something Betty taught me--have no expectations. That way, no hurt is coming my way.
As far as my A's family is concerned, they don't bother with her. So even though I sent them holiday and birthday cards for years, they don't bother with me as well. And I stopped sending the cards. There was no appreciation ever expressed, and certainly no reciprocity, so now I save the cards and postage for those who enjoy those simple joys in life. ODAT, live and let live.
Debb said
Jan 30, 2021
Thank you Lyne for your ESH, such a great help and thank you for your response!!
Iamhere said
Jan 30, 2021
Debb - these things truly used to bother me and it was all about my own expectations. There is this part of me that just expected others to do as I do, care as I care, love as I love, etc. It's taken me a ton of time in recovery to realize every person and every family truly has different value sets, different upbringing, different ways to care, love, etc. And, it's so, so true that this disease brings about a whole new level of chaos, dysfunction, etc.
I no longer do cards for adults for birthdays, Christmas, etc. If I value the person, I will either call them or text them. I focus on being grateful for what is vs. what is not. My parents, brothers, friends recognize me on special days; my AH rarely remembers and my sons learned from him. I'm OK with this now because it doesn't mean they love, care, whatever less - it just means their focused on other things (self, disease, kids, work - who knows).
I continue to treat others as I want to be treated as an example of a kind person in recovery. I do not expect that in return and that has helped me greatly. Mine no longer resent me for recovery, I believe they are actually grateful that I'm no longer a crazy woman, with a controlling style who had volatile emotions - crying or raging was often my reaction.
It did bother me and hurt until I came to a middle ground of truly embracing that I had to love myself, treat myself as my own best friend and unconditionally accept what all others are/are not doing. (((Hugs)))
Debb said
Jan 30, 2021
Thank you IamHere so much for your ESH, so very much appreciated!!
I do hear you IamHere as well as TT and Lyne
{{HUGS}} to you all!
Edited to remove name at request of member.
-- Edited by Iamhere on Saturday 30th of January 2021 05:31:23 PM
WendyP said
Jan 31, 2021
Hi Debb, on reading the many sharings here, I can so relate to nearly all of them, or the thyme. Since I have been given Alanon, I have found myself working through the pain of accepting the fact that I have to want to want to have recovery, no matter what others think/feel about me. I have lost so many people/ family members because of it. It has had to be my choice. From early days, before and after Alanon, I wanted to have a relationship with my brothers and sisters. I was the one who chose to ring them on their birthdays, Christmas, etc, I got nothing back, ever. I kept it up for so long and then I decided to let go, as I was so tired of being rejected. I could see for a long time, where I sat in our Family and that was always on the outside, never being allowed to fit in.
I can remember to this day of how they all got together and treated me, when my mother died so suddenly, Excluded. I didn't have Alanon then, and it was only because I was as strong as I was and my Faith that got me through it all. It hurt and affected me greatly, still does to this day. But since working the Alanon program, I have learnt about the Disease of Alcoholism and it's effects. I know that my Family has the ISM"S inside them. So I choose if I want to have any connection with my only surviving brother, it is on my terms, and when I feel I can. As he can still try to put me down, reject me, try to make me feel stupid. Sure It hurts, a great deal, all I have ever wanted was to be accepted, as a person in my own right, I never got it from my Family. Do I get resentful about they way they want to treat me, not know as I have the understanding.
Family was important to me, even my own 3 Adult Children, have problems with me. Simply because I live a different life to them, they realize they don't have my power. One of mine even asked me not to continue to go to Alanon, because I knew, she could see me changing, and couldn't handle it. I have walked away from people, and others have walked away from me which is their choice. Simply because, I mean something to me, and if I am not special to anyone else, I am special to me. I believe that there is a price to pay for everything in life. I have chosen Recovery., even though sometimes the price is high, it is still worth it, for me.
I do relate to you Debb and others, as I can relate to so much to your journey, I hope you can find peace and serenity with all of it.
Love Wendy P.
Debb said
Feb 1, 2021
Thank you WendyP for your ESH it is a big help!
Maresie888 said
Feb 5, 2021
The qualifier bad.mouthed ne evergwhere
The ex roommate bad mouthed me to my face
I see it as manioulation. They know you crave r3cognotion
I have noticed that AH's side of the family, especially this year, did not recognize my birthday.
Did not give it much thought as it was in October. AH's birthday is this coming Sunday and
my parents sent him a card and gift, my daughter stopped by with a card and gift for him,
his brothers and sister sent him a card, but I never received any recognition from his siblings
on my birthday. I do know why, because as time goes on and I become more emotional
in tune with Al-Anon tools, AH has become more resentful and I believe he is bad mouthing
me to his family. They all are daily drinkers, am not sure to what extent because I have not
spent an extended time period with them, but do know that alcohol abuse runs in the family.
Part of me feels bad that I am not thought well of anymore and part of me feels relieved
that maybe I will just quietly stand down now when it comes to family gatherings. I was
wondering what you all have in the Al-Anon tool box that I am overlooking.
{{HUGS}}
AH's side of the family that there were inside forces going on (ya know like they had some sort of inside discussion
prior to the get together?). Felt a bit uncomfortable, but I handled it with a bit of grace and never said a word
to AH, cause that would have been something he would have loved to have known, that maybe what he did and said
behind my back actually upset me, but then he could go on a tirade to say that I was crazy too, which he thrives on!
He is definitely a part-time narcissist on top of a full-time alcoholic. You are so so right, that treating myself is the
best revenge. I shall learn from this that if his family wants to believe what AH has told them, that there is nothing
I can do about it and just be me. If that is not acceptable to them, then it is their lose, because I am not going to
let AH get the best of me either. Thank you again TT, you have been a great help!
As far as my A's family is concerned, they don't bother with her. So even though I sent them holiday and birthday cards for years, they don't bother with me as well. And I stopped sending the cards. There was no appreciation ever expressed, and certainly no reciprocity, so now I save the cards and postage for those who enjoy those simple joys in life. ODAT, live and let live.
I no longer do cards for adults for birthdays, Christmas, etc. If I value the person, I will either call them or text them. I focus on being grateful for what is vs. what is not. My parents, brothers, friends recognize me on special days; my AH rarely remembers and my sons learned from him. I'm OK with this now because it doesn't mean they love, care, whatever less - it just means their focused on other things (self, disease, kids, work - who knows).
I continue to treat others as I want to be treated as an example of a kind person in recovery. I do not expect that in return and that has helped me greatly. Mine no longer resent me for recovery, I believe they are actually grateful that I'm no longer a crazy woman, with a controlling style who had volatile emotions - crying or raging was often my reaction.
It did bother me and hurt until I came to a middle ground of truly embracing that I had to love myself, treat myself as my own best friend and unconditionally accept what all others are/are not doing. (((Hugs)))
Thank you IamHere so much for your ESH, so very much appreciated!!
I do hear you IamHere as well as TT and Lyne
{{HUGS}} to you all!
Edited to remove name at request of member.
-- Edited by Iamhere on Saturday 30th of January 2021 05:31:23 PM
Hi Debb, on reading the many sharings here, I can so relate to nearly all of them, or the thyme. Since I have been given Alanon, I have found myself working through the pain of accepting the fact that I have to want to want to have recovery, no matter what others think/feel about me. I have lost so many people/ family members because of it. It has had to be my choice. From early days, before and after Alanon, I wanted to have a relationship with my brothers and sisters. I was the one who chose to ring them on their birthdays, Christmas, etc, I got nothing back, ever. I kept it up for so long and then I decided to let go, as I was so tired of being rejected. I could see for a long time, where I sat in our Family and that was always on the outside, never being allowed to fit in.
I can remember to this day of how they all got together and treated me, when my mother died so suddenly, Excluded. I didn't have Alanon then, and it was only because I was as strong as I was and my Faith that got me through it all. It hurt and affected me greatly, still does to this day. But since working the Alanon program, I have learnt about the Disease of Alcoholism and it's effects. I know that my Family has the ISM"S inside them. So I choose if I want to have any connection with my only surviving brother, it is on my terms, and when I feel I can. As he can still try to put me down, reject me, try to make me feel stupid. Sure It hurts, a great deal, all I have ever wanted was to be accepted, as a person in my own right, I never got it from my Family. Do I get resentful about they way they want to treat me, not know as I have the understanding.
Family was important to me, even my own 3 Adult Children, have problems with me. Simply because I live a different life to them, they realize they don't have my power. One of mine even asked me not to continue to go to Alanon, because I knew, she could see me changing, and couldn't handle it. I have walked away from people, and others have walked away from me which is their choice. Simply because, I mean something to me, and if I am not special to anyone else, I am special to me. I believe that there is a price to pay for everything in life. I have chosen Recovery., even though sometimes the price is high, it is still worth it, for me.
I do relate to you Debb and others, as I can relate to so much to your journey, I hope you can find peace and serenity with all of it.
Love Wendy P.
The qualifier bad.mouthed ne evergwhere
The ex roommate bad mouthed me to my face
I see it as manioulation. They know you crave r3cognotion
Active alcoholics can be very punishing
Very very punishing