Courage to Change - January 29 - Expressing Ourselves
Freetime said
Jan 28, 2021
Today's reading talks about the difference between expressing ourselves and using words to control others. It suggests that if we say the same thing many times -- and are only satisfied when the other person responds a certain way -- we might be trying to control someone. If we can express what is on our mind and then let it go, no matter what response we get from others, then we are sincerely expressing our feelings.
Today's Reminder: I am learning to be honest with myself. I will not use my recovery as an excuse to justify my efforts to change other people's thinking. Trying to control other people only gets me in trouble. Instead, I will promptly admit such mistakes and put my energy back where it belongs by focusing on myself.
---------------------------
Usually my way of trying to control others was to think and plan my words so carefully -- if I just use the right words, they will do what I want, and not only that, they will like me while doing it. With my alcoholic loved one, this didn't work -- and I would be dumbstruck and not know what to do next, so I usually would go silent.
In marriage with an alcoholic -- I sometimes expressed my feelings that were brought about by his behavior. After all, this was the person I was closest to in life, my mate, who cared about me -- shouldn't he be the one that I could tell how awful I was feeling? And I did hope something would change as a result -- but I was really hoping he would change two things he could not control -- (1) his drinking and (2) my feelings. At the time, I didn't know I had anyone else available to share my feelings with. Now I have a sponsor that I can reason things out with, if I'm ever in a similar situation again.
I think the idea of simply expressing feelings and letting go of the results might work best where there are healthy boundaries. Am I choosing the right person to express my difficult feelings to? Can the other person choose whether or not they want to hear my feelings? What is my plan if the conversation doesn't go the way I want it to?
MIP friends, how do you tell the difference if you are trying to control someone or just expressing yourself?
Debb said
Jan 29, 2021
Thank you as well FT and TT for this discussion! I was thinking about last night, when I should have
practiced this very thing! AH had said to me that my car should have been parked away from the
back step after the last snow storm because it blocked the sun from melting the resulting ice that was
in front and around the step and car. I should have just said okay, but instead I explained that the
ice was the result of the melting off the roof of the overhang over the step and that I had made a
concerted effort to remove all the snow in the area earlier in the day. Well of course, he argued and
I added that the sun never came out all day and the discussion went on way to long. I should have
just said okay to his statement and just left it because it really was not a big deal, why did I have to
control that discussion? I did not have to be about me, it was not important enough. QTIP
comes to mind and Keep It Simple as well. Thank you FT for today's reading and your service.
Lyne said
Jan 29, 2021
Thanks FT for your service and for both examples of ESH. This is an important reading and I tried to control my A's behavior when I felt so desperate and hurt, prior to program. I copied meeting lists, found alcohol counselors, etc. Of course none of this worked, my A continued to drink, and I dug a deeper hole of negative emotions for myself.
It hasn't been easy but I've learned to detach, no longer try to force solutions upon another, say what I mean without saying it mean, and do not have expectations of agreement when I do express myself. For me, I feel better letting out what I need to say. I do ask myself if I already know the answer to a question I'm going to ask, and if so, I don't ask. I learned that last part from someone on MIP a number of years ago. It's a wonderful tool for my tool box.
Am I watching my loved one abuse substances? Yes. Am I concerned? Yes, have been for years? Can I change anyone? Just me. :)
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 29, 2021
Thank you Freetime for your service and all the great ESH shared above!
This was a strong one for me today, and I almost didn't want to share. But I always end up realizing there is healing in sharing. I tried to control the dialog/situation with logic and oh so carefully chosen words too! However, I could not just "Let go" of the outcomes! And in a way, this worked for me for a long time! My son as a toddler could not be told something just "Because I said so!" (like I was raised). He is just not that kind of person, even at a very young age. I found that if I explained the logic, he would agree to things every time... almost like Magic!! LOL! Sadly, this technique did not work for my loved one with an addicted mind. That is why I love JADE so much! It really helped with my way of dealing. Towards the end, I was extremely sad that I had lost the one person I could share anything with... my support system... my person who accepted me, for me (warts and all). Al-Anon helped me to understand the reason why I could no longer depend on that person. Did it help me like it? No. But the program helped me deal with my reality. It helped me get out of denial, and to accept what I was given.
I know that I am off-center when I cannot offer advice/opinions and then let go of the outcomes. Today, I am very careful to wait for someone to actually ask for my opinion/help.
Happy Friday guys!! We are experiencing a "Moisture Trough!" Just a fancy way to say, "A whole lotta rain, for many days!" LOL!! I am actually enjoying every minute of it! Find and keep your joy today!
&
SunnyFrogs said
Jan 29, 2021
Thanks for all the shares here.
This topic hit home for me. I guess I didn't realize wanting and expecting AH to respond how I would want or like him to is controlling.
I don't know why I always expect him to say anything different than he usually does when I try to have a talk with him about my feelings. I always hope he will respond with compassion and kindness but it hasn''t happened yet. I could save myself musch upset and heartache if I could stop doing that. I know ahead of time I am going to get really upset when he disappoints me with what he says. It sounds silly to keep repeating the same thing over and over and getting the same results.
I wish I could just completely stop instead of hoping for a differentt outcome. It's so hard to not do it right now though.
Iamhere said
Jan 30, 2021
Thank you Freetime for your service and the daily. Thank you all for your ESH and shares. Boy howdy....I was one who kept repeating myself over and over in the hopes of being heard (I thought). I never realized that when I do this, I am trying to control not just the person but possibly the outcome. Recovery has taught me that I am truly powerless over both and much more.
I am more thoughtful today with my words, actions and deeds. I use so many tools available to us depending upon the situation. I can still over-complicate things, over-analyze things and read way more into others' words and actions yet am grateful to use the Pause. I was the queen of JADE before recovery. I also took EVERYTHING personally. It never, ever really occurred to me that another person's words and actions were all about them and not me.
My sponsor worked tirelessly with me to teach me how to use I statements and keep it simple. I was not allowed to even say, "When YOU ....., I feel ....." I had to step beyond the thinking that another person caused me to feel a certain way and instead work on the detaching and boundaries for protecting me. I had to learn that I can feel sad, disappointed, angry, joyful, peaceful, etc. and just say that without adding a reason. It is huge growth for me to be able to admit to my AH, "I am having a sad week." I don't have to say why, just expressing where I am is enough.
The best way for me to protect my sanity and serenity often is to just let 'less' of what my mind is processing/thinking come out of my mouth. My brain is permanently affected by this disease in a way that my first thought and inclination are rarely the best/proper answer. It's in pausing to consider the facts and how important it may really be that I am often able to change my thinking to better align with my program and my goal of protecting my sanity/serenity.
Happy Saturday MIP. We've got rain falling, and expect it all day long. We need the moisture so it's all good...(((Hugs)))
Maresie888 said
Feb 1, 2021
I have been going to.a grief group. My friend whom I am grieving (he committed suicide) spent his last day telling the wrong oeople how he felt. At the end if that day they did not hear him.
Thst is oretty much the story of.my life telling the wrong people my feelings
I gave up talking to my family then I just recreated the same fsmily.
When you keep doing the same thing you get the same results.
Today's reading talks about the difference between expressing ourselves and using words to control others. It suggests that if we say the same thing many times -- and are only satisfied when the other person responds a certain way -- we might be trying to control someone. If we can express what is on our mind and then let it go, no matter what response we get from others, then we are sincerely expressing our feelings.
Today's Reminder: I am learning to be honest with myself. I will not use my recovery as an excuse to justify my efforts to change other people's thinking. Trying to control other people only gets me in trouble. Instead, I will promptly admit such mistakes and put my energy back where it belongs by focusing on myself.
---------------------------
Usually my way of trying to control others was to think and plan my words so carefully -- if I just use the right words, they will do what I want, and not only that, they will like me while doing it. With my alcoholic loved one, this didn't work -- and I would be dumbstruck and not know what to do next, so I usually would go silent.
In marriage with an alcoholic -- I sometimes expressed my feelings that were brought about by his behavior. After all, this was the person I was closest to in life, my mate, who cared about me -- shouldn't he be the one that I could tell how awful I was feeling? And I did hope something would change as a result -- but I was really hoping he would change two things he could not control -- (1) his drinking and (2) my feelings. At the time, I didn't know I had anyone else available to share my feelings with. Now I have a sponsor that I can reason things out with, if I'm ever in a similar situation again.
I think the idea of simply expressing feelings and letting go of the results might work best where there are healthy boundaries. Am I choosing the right person to express my difficult feelings to? Can the other person choose whether or not they want to hear my feelings? What is my plan if the conversation doesn't go the way I want it to?
MIP friends, how do you tell the difference if you are trying to control someone or just expressing yourself?
practiced this very thing! AH had said to me that my car should have been parked away from the
back step after the last snow storm because it blocked the sun from melting the resulting ice that was
in front and around the step and car. I should have just said okay, but instead I explained that the
ice was the result of the melting off the roof of the overhang over the step and that I had made a
concerted effort to remove all the snow in the area earlier in the day. Well of course, he argued and
I added that the sun never came out all day and the discussion went on way to long. I should have
just said okay to his statement and just left it because it really was not a big deal, why did I have to
control that discussion? I did not have to be about me, it was not important enough. QTIP
comes to mind and Keep It Simple as well. Thank you FT for today's reading and your service.
It hasn't been easy but I've learned to detach, no longer try to force solutions upon another, say what I mean without saying it mean, and do not have expectations of agreement when I do express myself. For me, I feel better letting out what I need to say. I do ask myself if I already know the answer to a question I'm going to ask, and if so, I don't ask. I learned that last part from someone on MIP a number of years ago. It's a wonderful tool for my tool box.
Am I watching my loved one abuse substances? Yes. Am I concerned? Yes, have been for years? Can I change anyone? Just me. :)
Thank you Freetime for your service and all the great ESH shared above!
Find and keep your joy today! 
& 
This was a strong one for me today, and I almost didn't want to share. But I always end up realizing there is healing in sharing.
I tried to control the dialog/situation with logic and oh so carefully chosen words too! However, I could not just "Let go" of the outcomes! And in a way, this worked for me for a long time! My son as a toddler could not be told something just "Because I said so!" (like I was raised). He is just not that kind of person, even at a very young age. I found that if I explained the logic, he would agree to things every time... almost like Magic!! LOL!
Sadly, this technique did not work for my loved one with an addicted mind. That is why I love JADE so much! It really helped with my way of dealing. Towards the end, I was extremely sad that I had lost the one person I could share anything with... my support system... my person who accepted me, for me (warts and all). Al-Anon helped me to understand the reason why I could no longer depend on that person. Did it help me like it? No. But the program helped me deal with my reality. It helped me get out of denial, and to accept what I was given.
I know that I am off-center when I cannot offer advice/opinions and then let go of the outcomes. Today, I am very careful to wait for someone to actually ask for my opinion/help.
Happy Friday guys!! We are experiencing a "Moisture Trough!" Just a fancy way to say, "A whole lotta rain, for many days!" LOL!! I am actually enjoying every minute of it!
This topic hit home for me. I guess I didn't realize wanting and expecting AH to respond how I would want or like him to is controlling.
I don't know why I always expect him to say anything different than he usually does when I try to have a talk with him about my feelings. I always hope he will respond with compassion and kindness but it hasn''t happened yet. I could save myself musch upset and heartache if I could stop doing that. I know ahead of time I am going to get really upset when he disappoints me with what he says. It sounds silly to keep repeating the same thing over and over and getting the same results.
I wish I could just completely stop instead of hoping for a differentt outcome. It's so hard to not do it right now though.
I am more thoughtful today with my words, actions and deeds. I use so many tools available to us depending upon the situation. I can still over-complicate things, over-analyze things and read way more into others' words and actions yet am grateful to use the Pause. I was the queen of JADE before recovery. I also took EVERYTHING personally. It never, ever really occurred to me that another person's words and actions were all about them and not me.
My sponsor worked tirelessly with me to teach me how to use I statements and keep it simple. I was not allowed to even say, "When YOU ....., I feel ....." I had to step beyond the thinking that another person caused me to feel a certain way and instead work on the detaching and boundaries for protecting me. I had to learn that I can feel sad, disappointed, angry, joyful, peaceful, etc. and just say that without adding a reason. It is huge growth for me to be able to admit to my AH, "I am having a sad week." I don't have to say why, just expressing where I am is enough.
The best way for me to protect my sanity and serenity often is to just let 'less' of what my mind is processing/thinking come out of my mouth. My brain is permanently affected by this disease in a way that my first thought and inclination are rarely the best/proper answer. It's in pausing to consider the facts and how important it may really be that I am often able to change my thinking to better align with my program and my goal of protecting my sanity/serenity.
Happy Saturday MIP. We've got rain falling, and expect it all day long. We need the moisture so it's all good...(((Hugs)))
I have been going to.a grief group. My friend whom I am grieving (he committed suicide) spent his last day telling the wrong oeople how he felt. At the end if that day they did not hear him.
Thst is oretty much the story of.my life telling the wrong people my feelings
I gave up talking to my family then I just recreated the same fsmily.
When you keep doing the same thing you get the same results.
Maresie