I am currently trying to set boundaries with my parent alcoholic. He is a very loving father but when he drinks it is like talking to another person. He has been dealing with alcoholism for quite some time now, has been to rehab twice but hasnt kept up with AA or a regular program. A few years ago he and my mother got divorced, mainly due to his alcoholism, so he depends heavily on his kids, especially me. For the past 3.5 years I have tried everything under the sun to get him to stop drinking, of course none of it worked. Now that I am exhausted and hopeless, I resorted to alanon. I am also trying to detach with love. He typically calls me 2-3 times a day, sometimes good conversations, sometimes bad. I had to get off the rollercoaster so I told him I could not talk for a while so I can focus on my mental health. Its been two weeks now. I feel guilty but also so relieved to not anticipate when the next call will be. I resorted to not speaking at all because I dont know how to handle it otherwise. What has worked for you all for detaching from a loved one? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated as it is a very difficult situation to navigate.
Debb said
Jan 26, 2021
MrRy2020 welcome to MIP and glad you found us to chat with.
I want to start by commending you for finding Al-Anon and working the program!
It is understandable that you would feel guilty, because you love your Dad.
Setting boundaries is a very important part of healing in Al-Anon and detaching
with love goes hand in hand. If you do not feel you can talk to your Dad at this
time then that is what you should do. The tool, "when in doubt, don't" comes in
handy. I know that with my alcoholic spouse, when I basically shut down the
insane dialogue they are get frustrated and try to make me feel guilty, but I
have learned, that it is not about them, it is about me, and my health, because
I am minding my own business, while they choose to drink and cause chaos.
Keep coming back to talk with us and you are doing great! {{HUGS}}
JerryF said
Jan 26, 2021
Welcome to the family Myry2020 and glad to have you in support. I understand the relationship as I experienced the similar relationship with my step father and my affected mother. When I was younger I earned the nickname "The lone Ranger" because of a natural character of being a loner. Was there love? In reality no because I didn't know what love was. There wasnt much of that in my entire family because of alcoholism for me it was an arms length quiet relationship most of the times. My elders held the power so love was letting them exercise that power when they chose. I didn't know the definition of love until given it by another Al-Anon member after she expressed her own after a meeting I attended. "Love is the complete and total ACCEPTANCE of every other human being for exactly who they are. That is what I hold to today and that is what lives in my heart daily.
Detachment is the space I allow myself to have whenever I choose without demand and with or without others being involved. I could not and/or would not get entangled with my alcoholic/addict wife when our disease rose up. I could love and let go.
Keep coming back and sharing your ESH at any time.
Iamhere said
Jan 26, 2021
I too send a warm welcome Myry2020 - glad you found us and glad that you shared. Also glad that you have found Al-Anon - it gave me a variety of tools to try and practice better focus on me. I am one who has the disease all around - my sons, my husband as well as my mother. I am also sober so some of my boundaries are easier (sober house, no contact when under the influence, etc.) I find it easier to set boundaries and stick to them with my sons & husband than my mother.
She's 86 and truly did not begin her drinking career until we were raised. She's become her father - a late stage drunk who basically missed the hustle/bustle of the noise with kids, activities, etc. and out of loneliness/boredom began getting drunk daily. My mother also has dementia so she can't remember my boundaries nor do she really remember much of anything. I know that she begins drinking at a certain time each day, so I make it a point to call and check in with her & my father daily - before the witching hour. If I forget or am busy, I make the choice if I should/should not call - based on my own spiritual condition. There are days it drives me crazy (when she's drunk) and then there are days where it's not as painful.
My best suggestion is just take some time and focus on you vs. him or others. Practice putting you first as you explore Al-Anon and the answers will come. What makes sense to you today may change in time, and that's OK too. Who I was and how I detached when I first got here is different than where I am now and how I detach - all of which is OK.
I am grateful that I am not alone in this journey and that this program allows each of us to recover at our own pace. There truly are no right or wrong answers and for me, many tools have been trial/error/discard/use again, etc. What has been consistent for me is that I am willing to try, open to change and grow from the ESH of others.
Keep coming back - you are not alone and there's tons of help & hope in recovery!
MrRy2020 said
Jan 27, 2021
Thank you everyone for your guidance. I truly appreciate it. It has been two weeks now since Ive spoken to him. I do not want to randomly call him since I do not know how he will react. I am thinking about writing an email to start. Any suggestions on how to create boundaries when I communicate next and suggestions on if that should be text, email or phone? Thanks again.
DavidG said
Jan 27, 2021
Mister... I am a member here too, and a long time member of Alanon.
I try to keep things really simple... ...it is a really troubled journey with an alcoholic drinker.
I like the word -adult- as a verb. Our roadside conversations really do amount to something.
We don't know how we will react when the time comes. We all know that the A., the alcoholic,
can be unpredictable. So reaching out- making contact, is so valuable. This creates some balance
in our lives. ...
Cheers, DavidG, from out here in NZ...
Debb said
Jan 27, 2021
MrRy2020, I would do what you are most comfortable doing, by that I mean what ever mode of contact you
would be most comfortable using. If it is an e-mail, text, letter or phone call. As for what ever reaction you
get from Dad, don't spend to much time worrying about what is behind you or in front of you, just focus on
the present time. {{SMILES}}
Maresie888 said
Jan 28, 2021
Alcoholics do not seem to have boundaries.
When my mother was in her 80's she was incredibly intrusive and really abusive
I.an glad you can take a break
Iamhere said
Jan 28, 2021
My best suggestions are to keep it simple, and just be authentic. There's no need to hash out the past or project about what may happen tomorrow. When there has been time/distance between me and mine, I will simply send a text saying, "You've been on my mind and I hope you have a great day." This for me is very truthful and neutral with a splash of care/concern.
a4l said
Jan 28, 2021
It's so cool you found MIP and alanon and are trying to find a healthy way to process and deal. Well done you! I can share from my own experience, I have found an alcoholic parent relationship to be a case of, sometimes the only way out is through. It is a rollercoaster because we are powerless over the addiction, we love them and begin to see with different eyes so many aspects of life. Keep looking after yourself and showing up for alanon and all the things that fill your cup so to speak. I went through a stage of anger, disgust, more anger, more disgust and eventually returned to love, only not in the defensive manner I have always had. I've started to let go of the shame aspect. It's ongoing all counts. One day at a time is wonderful wonderful advice. Take care!
I am currently trying to set boundaries with my parent alcoholic. He is a very loving father but when he drinks it is like talking to another person. He has been dealing with alcoholism for quite some time now, has been to rehab twice but hasnt kept up with AA or a regular program. A few years ago he and my mother got divorced, mainly due to his alcoholism, so he depends heavily on his kids, especially me. For the past 3.5 years I have tried everything under the sun to get him to stop drinking, of course none of it worked. Now that I am exhausted and hopeless, I resorted to alanon. I am also trying to detach with love. He typically calls me 2-3 times a day, sometimes good conversations, sometimes bad. I had to get off the rollercoaster so I told him I could not talk for a while so I can focus on my mental health. Its been two weeks now. I feel guilty but also so relieved to not anticipate when the next call will be. I resorted to not speaking at all because I dont know how to handle it otherwise. What has worked for you all for detaching from a loved one? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated as it is a very difficult situation to navigate.
I want to start by commending you for finding Al-Anon and working the program!
It is understandable that you would feel guilty, because you love your Dad.
Setting boundaries is a very important part of healing in Al-Anon and detaching
with love goes hand in hand. If you do not feel you can talk to your Dad at this
time then that is what you should do. The tool, "when in doubt, don't" comes in
handy. I know that with my alcoholic spouse, when I basically shut down the
insane dialogue they are get frustrated and try to make me feel guilty, but I
have learned, that it is not about them, it is about me, and my health, because
I am minding my own business, while they choose to drink and cause chaos.
Keep coming back to talk with us and you are doing great! {{HUGS}}
Welcome to the family Myry2020 and glad to have you in support. I understand the relationship as I experienced the similar relationship with my step father and my affected mother. When I was younger I earned the nickname "The lone Ranger" because of a natural character of being a loner. Was there love? In reality no because I didn't know what love was. There wasnt much of that in my entire family because of alcoholism for me it was an arms length quiet relationship most of the times. My elders held the power so love was letting them exercise that power when they chose. I didn't know the definition of love until given it by another Al-Anon member after she expressed her own after a meeting I attended. "Love is the complete and total ACCEPTANCE of every other human being for exactly who they are. That is what I hold to today and that is what lives in my heart daily.
Detachment is the space I allow myself to have whenever I choose without demand and with or without others being involved. I could not and/or would not get entangled with my alcoholic/addict wife when our disease rose up. I could love and let go.
Keep coming back and sharing your ESH at any time.
She's 86 and truly did not begin her drinking career until we were raised. She's become her father - a late stage drunk who basically missed the hustle/bustle of the noise with kids, activities, etc. and out of loneliness/boredom began getting drunk daily. My mother also has dementia so she can't remember my boundaries nor do she really remember much of anything. I know that she begins drinking at a certain time each day, so I make it a point to call and check in with her & my father daily - before the witching hour. If I forget or am busy, I make the choice if I should/should not call - based on my own spiritual condition. There are days it drives me crazy (when she's drunk) and then there are days where it's not as painful.
My best suggestion is just take some time and focus on you vs. him or others. Practice putting you first as you explore Al-Anon and the answers will come. What makes sense to you today may change in time, and that's OK too. Who I was and how I detached when I first got here is different than where I am now and how I detach - all of which is OK.
I am grateful that I am not alone in this journey and that this program allows each of us to recover at our own pace. There truly are no right or wrong answers and for me, many tools have been trial/error/discard/use again, etc. What has been consistent for me is that I am willing to try, open to change and grow from the ESH of others.
Keep coming back - you are not alone and there's tons of help & hope in recovery!
I try to keep things really simple... ...it is a really troubled journey with an alcoholic drinker.
I like the word -adult- as a verb. Our roadside conversations really do amount to something.
We don't know how we will react when the time comes. We all know that the A., the alcoholic,
can be unpredictable. So reaching out- making contact, is so valuable. This creates some balance
in our lives.
...
Cheers, DavidG, from out here in NZ...
would be most comfortable using. If it is an e-mail, text, letter or phone call. As for what ever reaction you
get from Dad, don't spend to much time worrying about what is behind you or in front of you, just focus on
the present time. {{SMILES}}
Alcoholics do not seem to have boundaries.
When my mother was in her 80's she was incredibly intrusive and really abusive
I.an glad you can take a break