"Hope is a good thing" (and sometimes it's all we have)
texas yankee said
Jan 24, 2021
After a lot of years of watching my son deal with his demons (he's been sober for a few years now), I was overjoyed to attend his wedding recently. Of course, I'm a VERY happy Dad. I'd like to say that I'm rock-solid on knowing that for both of us it's one day at a time, but I have to remind myself of that constantly, and I have to be VERY careful catch myself immediately when I start looking forward, or worrying about how he's gonna deal with a bad decision (in my opinion) that he made, or, based on my capability to see clearly into the future, something comes up that might challenge him beyond his capabilities to deal with it - LOL, I spend a lot of time catching myself - it's like an old Western with me pulling back on the horse's reins and saying "Whoa!".
For those of you struggling with an active alcoholic loved one (my heart goes out to you), there are many things I've learned in Al Anon, but two truths stand out for me above all others:
Absolutely nothing I did, or could have done (enabling, begging, pleading, threatening, etc.) finally got him to stop drinking - THAT miracle came from within him - it was 100% his decision to stop drinking.
My strong and often misguided will isn't strong enough to extend even one inch outside of my hula hoop to control or protect or manage anyone else's life - and I am reminded of that, sometimes painfully, when I forget and try to extend my control. Whether watching our loved one is a train wreck or a beautiful sunset, what they do is out of our control - nor should it be ours to control. I might add, IMHO, that our Higher Power's decision to give each of us free will reinforces my belief that it's not my place to control anyone else.
I wish I had "the answer" for everyone, but I don't - but if those two thoughts help just one of us get through one day, saying it was worthwhile.
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 24, 2021
Great share, TYank! As a parent, it can be oh so hard to Let Go. Triple that when your kid engages in risky behavior.
Debb said
Jan 24, 2021
Thank you TXY for your wise words of "Hope is a good thing", cause we can always use them!! Congrats on your son's sobriety and wedding.
serenity47 said
Jan 24, 2021
First of all. that is wonderful that your son got married and you were there to share in the joyful event. When we are at the depths of our despair with our loved ones we often lose hope that things will ever change or improve. Thankfully, often they do. Not in my timeline or how I imagined , but still it is a gift to allow oneself the pleasure of celebrating the successes and the happy moments.
Also as much as I would like to take credit for others successes or beat myself up for their failures it is a daily reminder to me that I have nothing to do with any of it but am only a spectator in another's life. The more I focus on my own stuff the happier i become.
DavidG said
Jan 24, 2021
Blessings, TY... ...
Iamhere said
Jan 24, 2021
Always good to see you TY and always good to hear of hope/recovery in action. Congratulations on gaining a 'daughter' and here's to joy and happiness and continued recovery for all. Thanks for coming by and sharing an update!
Maresie888 said
Jan 24, 2021
Great work
texas yankee said
Jan 25, 2021
I'm the original poster, and I feel the need to make a bit of a disclaimer, in a spirit of humility - don't assume that I have it all figured out, just because I posted the two truths that Al Anon has shown me - there are a lot of days for me where those two truths are all I have to hang on to, and there are some days where I doubt my ability to even hang on to those two - there may be folks that do have it all figured out and are rock-solid in their program, but LOL, that absolutely ain't me - I'm just trying to do the best I can each day - I often miss measuring up to my admittedly low expectations for myself. That being said, I'm far better off with Al Anon than I was before - I was really a mess before I got acquainted with the program - "the old days" were very scary for me - better now, though, thanks to lots of folks like you. And I feel better now!
JerryF said
Jan 25, 2021
Great service share Texas Yankee; it brought me alot of ESH that I have been needing. I learned from my past sponsor that the definition of humility was "being teachable" and that I learn from listening and then practicing, practicing, practicing which seems to be what you have been doing.
SunnyFrogs said
Jan 25, 2021
That was very helpful for me Texas Yankee, thanks for sharing it with us.
-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Monday 25th of January 2021 06:48:56 PM
WendyP said
Jan 31, 2021
texas yankee wrote:
After a lot of years of watching my son deal with his demons (he's been sober for a few years now), I was overjoyed to attend his wedding recently. Of course, I'm a VERY happy Dad. I'd like to say that I'm rock-solid on knowing that for both of us it's one day at a time, but I have to remind myself of that constantly, and I have to be VERY careful catch myself immediately when I start looking forward, or worrying about how he's gonna deal with a bad decision (in my opinion) that he made, or, based on my capability to see clearly into the future, something comes up that might challenge him beyond his capabilities to deal with it - LOL, I spend a lot of time catching myself - it's like an old Western with me pulling back on the horse's reins and saying "Whoa!".
For those of you struggling with an active alcoholic loved one (my heart goes out to you), there are many things I've learned in Al Anon, but two truths stand out for me above all others:
Absolutely nothing I did, or could have done (enabling, begging, pleading, threatening, etc.) finally got him to stop drinking - THAT miracle came from within him - it was 100% his decision to stop drinking.
My strong and often misguided will isn't strong enough to extend even one inch outside of my hula hoop to control or protect or manage anyone else's life - and I am reminded of that, sometimes painfully, when I forget and try to extend my control. Whether watching our loved one is a train wreck or a beautiful sunset, what they do is out of our control - nor should it be ours to control. I might add, IMHO, that our Higher Power's decision to give each of us free will reinforces my belief that it's not my place to control anyone else.
I wish I had "the answer" for everyone, but I don't - but if those two thoughts help just one of us get through one day, saying it was worthwhile.
Hi Texas Yankee, I loved your share, and the wonder of you seeing your son being married and his Sobriety Just For Today. I regard myself as long term member, feeling like a newcomer a lot. I have a large family of Grand Children, Great Grand Children, and because of the Disease and Effects of it, especially as I see it has gone through the generations, I need Alanon, the people in it a lot. It is the only way, I can keep/stay sane. Watching it go through with its effect on my loved ones is very hard for me, and because I have been in Alanon as long as I have, I have listened to many stories of how it was, and what it was like.
Because of that I have to keep things in perspective, and have Hope for them as well as the fear that I have. As I know only too well how destructive the disease is. At the moment I have a Grand Son who is heavily into Drugs, he has a drinking problem as well. But his main drug of choice are drugs, as he has said that the drink makes him aggressive. As well as a young Grand Daughter who is in danger with the choices she is making. I place both of them as well as my other Family in God's Care and Hands each day. So I can relate to your journey.
But when you mentioned the Western, it brought a smile to my face. As I can remember, I was at a AA. Alanon weekend, and was lined up to get some lunch. I started talking to this young man who was in front of me. We started talking about how we work our program, I told him of how cranky I use to get at myself when I was trying to get something right, and I knew I was doing it back to front, it was like watching the horse bolting away, and me trying to pull the horse back and then shutting the gate. He looked at me for a moment and then said to me."Do you know what I would do,". I said "What". His reply, "I would get another Horse". I just burst out laughing, and told him that I never thought of that.
Was nice to share with you, and to read your sharing and to bring back a lovely memory. I wish you and your son and Family all the very best, a Day AT A Time.
Wendy P.
texas yankee said
Feb 1, 2021
"keep things in perspective, and have Hope for them as well as the fear that I have." - it's a balancing act, isn't it? And the weighted factors on either end of what we're trying to balance are always changing! For me, THAT'S what's really frustrating. Just when I think I have it figured out, things get out of balance again. One thing I've finally learned (learned isn't the right word - TRYING to learn is better), is that if I pause to reflect when something in my life gets out of balance, or surprises me, or when something challenges me, I handle that situation a lot better later on versus right away. It's so very easy for me to jump back with a reaction or some harsh words, while if I wait a bit, the problem sometimes goes away, but even if it doesn't got away, my response (if a response is still even necessary), is far better than what it would have been if I simply reacted. Of course, I'm a long ways from always handling things that way all the time, but the "successes" I've had when I did do it that way encourage me to keep trying it that way. The journey continues . . . .
WendyP said
Feb 1, 2021
Hi again Texas Yankee, you share about Fear, well, I have a really old Forum Favorites book, written by the older members of Al-Anon. I love it, as it has helped me with my journey in Al-Anon and making sense of my life and with people in it. What I love about it, is they just say it as it is, talks straight. Don't beat around the bush. That is the way I like it. I like someone to just cut to the chase.
What they said was that you can't have Faith and Fear. It's either one or the other. Well, for me, I do have Fear and Faith at the same time, it all depends which one is in control at the time.Because, I know first hand of how Powerful this Disease is. I have battled with it and came out very cut up. I respect it, do not like it one bit. I have learnt/learning to be kind to myself, when it raises its ugly head.
I remember to tell myself, that HOPE, Means, Hearing Other Peoples' Experience. Was nice talking to you.
After a lot of years of watching my son deal with his demons (he's been sober for a few years now), I was overjoyed to attend his wedding recently. Of course, I'm a VERY happy Dad. I'd like to say that I'm rock-solid on knowing that for both of us it's one day at a time, but I have to remind myself of that constantly, and I have to be VERY careful catch myself immediately when I start looking forward, or worrying about how he's gonna deal with a bad decision (in my opinion) that he made, or, based on my capability to see clearly into the future, something comes up that might challenge him beyond his capabilities to deal with it - LOL, I spend a lot of time catching myself - it's like an old Western with me pulling back on the horse's reins and saying "Whoa!".
For those of you struggling with an active alcoholic loved one (my heart goes out to you), there are many things I've learned in Al Anon, but two truths stand out for me above all others:
I wish I had "the answer" for everyone, but I don't - but if those two thoughts help just one of us get through one day, saying it was worthwhile.
Great share, TYank! As a parent, it can be oh so hard to Let Go. Triple that when your kid engages in risky behavior.
Thank you TXY for your wise words of "Hope is a good thing", cause we can always use them!! Congrats on your son's sobriety and wedding.
First of all. that is wonderful that your son got married and you were there to share in the joyful event. When we are at the depths of our despair with our loved ones we often lose hope that things will ever change or improve. Thankfully, often they do. Not in my timeline or how I imagined , but still it is a gift to allow oneself the pleasure of celebrating the successes and the happy moments.
Also as much as I would like to take credit for others successes or beat myself up for their failures it is a daily reminder to me that I have nothing to do with any of it but am only a spectator in another's life. The more I focus on my own stuff the happier i become.
Always good to see you TY and always good to hear of hope/recovery in action. Congratulations on gaining a 'daughter' and here's to joy and happiness and continued recovery for all. Thanks for coming by and sharing an update!
Great work
I'm the original poster, and I feel the need to make a bit of a disclaimer, in a spirit of humility - don't assume that I have it all figured out, just because I posted the two truths that Al Anon has shown me - there are a lot of days for me where those two truths are all I have to hang on to, and there are some days where I doubt my ability to even hang on to those two - there may be folks that do have it all figured out and are rock-solid in their program, but LOL, that absolutely ain't me - I'm just trying to do the best I can each day - I often miss measuring up to my admittedly low expectations for myself. That being said, I'm far better off with Al Anon than I was before - I was really a mess before I got acquainted with the program - "the old days" were very scary for me - better now, though, thanks to lots of folks like you. And I feel better now!
Great service share Texas Yankee; it brought me alot of ESH that I have been needing. I learned from my past sponsor that the definition of humility was "being teachable" and that I learn from listening and then practicing, practicing, practicing which seems to be what you have been doing.
That was very helpful for me Texas Yankee, thanks for sharing it with us.
-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Monday 25th of January 2021 06:48:56 PM
Hi Texas Yankee, I loved your share, and the wonder of you seeing your son being married and his Sobriety Just For Today. I regard myself as long term member, feeling like a newcomer a lot. I have a large family of Grand Children, Great Grand Children, and because of the Disease and Effects of it, especially as I see it has gone through the generations, I need Alanon, the people in it a lot. It is the only way, I can keep/stay sane. Watching it go through with its effect on my loved ones is very hard for me, and because I have been in Alanon as long as I have, I have listened to many stories of how it was, and what it was like.
Because of that I have to keep things in perspective, and have Hope for them as well as the fear that I have. As I know only too well how destructive the disease is. At the moment I have a Grand Son who is heavily into Drugs, he has a drinking problem as well. But his main drug of choice are drugs, as he has said that the drink makes him aggressive. As well as a young Grand Daughter who is in danger with the choices she is making. I place both of them as well as my other Family in God's Care and Hands each day. So I can relate to your journey.
But when you mentioned the Western, it brought a smile to my face. As I can remember, I was at a AA. Alanon weekend, and was lined up to get some lunch. I started talking to this young man who was in front of me. We started talking about how we work our program, I told him of how cranky I use to get at myself when I was trying to get something right, and I knew I was doing it back to front, it was like watching the horse bolting away, and me trying to pull the horse back and then shutting the gate. He looked at me for a moment and then said to me."Do you know what I would do,". I said "What". His reply, "I would get another Horse". I just burst out laughing, and told him that I never thought of that.
Was nice to share with you, and to read your sharing and to bring back a lovely memory. I wish you and your son and Family all the very best, a Day AT A Time.
Wendy P.
" keep things in perspective, and have Hope for them as well as the fear that I have." - it's a balancing act, isn't it? And the weighted factors on either end of what we're trying to balance are always changing! For me, THAT'S what's really frustrating. Just when I think I have it figured out, things get out of balance again. One thing I've finally learned (learned isn't the right word - TRYING to learn is better), is that if I pause to reflect when something in my life gets out of balance, or surprises me, or when something challenges me, I handle that situation a lot better later on versus right away. It's so very easy for me to jump back with a reaction or some harsh words, while if I wait a bit, the problem sometimes goes away, but even if it doesn't got away, my response (if a response is still even necessary), is far better than what it would have been if I simply reacted. Of course, I'm a long ways from always handling things that way all the time, but the "successes" I've had when I did do it that way encourage me to keep trying it that way. The journey continues . . . .
Hi again Texas Yankee, you share about Fear, well, I have a really old Forum Favorites book, written by the older members of Al-Anon. I love it, as it has helped me with my journey in Al-Anon and making sense of my life and with people in it. What I love about it, is they just say it as it is, talks straight. Don't beat around the bush. That is the way I like it. I like someone to just cut to the chase.
What they said was that you can't have Faith and Fear. It's either one or the other. Well, for me, I do have Fear and Faith at the same time, it all depends which one is in control at the time.Because, I know first hand of how Powerful this Disease is. I have battled with it and came out very cut up. I respect it, do not like it one bit. I have learnt/learning to be kind to myself, when it raises its ugly head.
I remember to tell myself, that HOPE, Means, Hearing Other Peoples' Experience. Was nice talking to you.
Wendy P.