Hi everyone I hope you are all keeping well, I haven't posted in a long time, thankfully I haven't needed to but now I have a dilemma and would really appreciate feedback from anyone who has been through similar and even if you haven't, some recovery perspective, please!
My son is an addict, he has been in prison for almost a year for various charges and will be there for another year at least. He has a 5 and a half year old child with a woman he didn't treat well at all. They were on and off since the pregnancy, they were very young when they had their child. I tried to support his partner as best I could no matter what and that involved me having my grandchild for a night every second weekend.
As you can imagine I have built up a strong bond with this child, I love her very much and I know she loves me. Things got very messy early last year, I won't go into all of it, too long, but the child's mother did some stuff that I worry may leave my son in danger when he gets out of prison and is also now in a relationship with someone my son considered one of his beat friends.
While she continued to let me see my grandchild, though it got more difficult, unanswered texts, they moved a bit further away, etc., she didn't want me to talk to my grandchild about her dad, even though the child often said she missed her dad, she doesn't know what he is. My grandchild wasn't allowed speak to her dad if he rang while she was here, her mum wouldn't read letters he wrote.
I didn't go against her mum but I did disagree with her and said I needed to take a step back for a while as it was so hard to be in the middle. I said I will always be here, happy to keep having her every 2nd weekend but I would leave it to mum to contact me. That was maybe the start of November 2020. Not a word since, I have sent 3 texts, I think I'm blocked. I have rang social services, to see if they can mediate, they can't unless the child is at risk which she isn't. It seems like my only option for getting visitation with my grandchild is court and I don't know if that's wise.
So any opinions/experience? I am a member of al-anon for a good few years now, things are kind of difficult with that, we are in lockdown so it's mostly zoom for now. Thanks in advance. Sorry for such a long post!
Debb said
Jan 18, 2021
Sarah, welcome back and glad you came to let us know how you are doing.
I hesitate to think what your granddaughter would think or feel about a court hearing. Have seen what those
do to children, namely my own. Their dad dragged me through numerous hearing for visitation and it only
backfired on him. It is difficult to let go and let God, but for me that is what I would do, not only for the sake
of a child but for myself as well. So sorry you are going through this difficulty.
Sorcha said
Jan 19, 2021
Thanks for your feedback Debb. I don't know how it all works, are children present at the court? Do you not think that needs to be weighed against the damage of losing someone who has been a loving and positive influence in a child's life? I'm not saying my son has always been that, I don't think any active addict can be, but I know I have been.
Maresie888 said
Jan 19, 2021
Maybe you will have to.wait until your son gets out of jail.
Then if he gets his act together he can apply for joint custody.
Maresie
Iamhere said
Jan 19, 2021
(((Sarah))) - I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. I also am sorry to hear about the 'new' distance between you & your grandchild. I have 3 grand boys, and am not seeing any of them. This disease just brings out the worst in all those affected - one of the three is brand new (Dec.). I have/had a relationship with the other 2, and things blew up last February. Long story short, my son and his partner were to get married in springtime, and they planned all of it without me, which is truly fine. I got a bit disappointed when I found out the date by accident at dinner - they had mailed 'me' a save the date which never arrived. When I expressed my dismay at being treated like another guest instead of the mother of the groom, it did not sit well.
So - I've let go and let God. There's been no attempt to have me be a part of their lives since. Covid does complicate things yet I've opted to just love them all from across the street and let it go. We've had many starts/stops in an effort to have a relationship, and each time, I am the one who's set aside or rejected in spite of my best effort to abide by their boundaries. I could write a novel on what I'm not allowed to do, buy, feed, post, etc. - all boundaries set for just me, not the other grandmother. So, as sad as it is and as much as I miss these little people, I've chosen to stay distant instead of being rejected again. My heart just can't take another cast off.
I don't know if/when things will get better, so this is certainly a ODAT thing for me. I pray for all of them each day and spend time with others who value me instead. I don't know if this helps or not but the pain is real/great often and I just have to use my tools and pray for guidance.
Sorcha said
Jan 19, 2021
Thank you Maresie and Iamhere, sorry to hear you are going through similar, it is heart breaking. Maybe I need to find the strength you have, I just haven't reached a place of acceptance yet I think. Thank you and good luck with yours.
Maresie888 said
Jan 19, 2021
Sarah
Your son is gonna get out of jail. He most certainly can get visitation so you can see your grandchildren then
Maresie
Sorcha said
Jan 19, 2021
Thank you Maresie, there is that, it's a long wait and a long time in her little life and I think a lot of loss/confusion for a little one, but yes hopefully it's not forever.
Maresie888 said
Jan 20, 2021
I.most certainly suffered a great deal from the alcoholic's action. His impulsivity and destructiveness had a terrible affect on my life
At the time I.met him I had no boundaries. Now I do.
Therefore the number of alcoholics in my life is extremely limted. I do have to.deal with dysfunction in my life. I live in.a dysfunctional world.
I have no.control over certain areas . I certainly have no.contr over the pandemic
My former qualifier is on his own. I have stopped even looking up.where he might be. For me at this time I do not have the space for the alcoholic in my life
I hope your grandchild will have the soace and support to cime to.terms with the difficult transitions. I am sorry you are not able to be part of that
Alcoholics tend to have villains in their lives. They are a kn ways being persecuted. There is a saying in recovery Pour me Pour me. They are extremely adeot at pulling others into their saga of victimization
In particular some men who go to prison have really unreasonabke expectations of their family and spouse
They feel betrayed when other oeople do not engage in the pour me, pour me.
My empathy was such that i had more empathy for others than I had for myself. I have ny own tragedy my own pain. I no longer have the space or time to make someone else the number one priority in my life.
Maresie
Iamhere said
Jan 20, 2021
Sarah - it is tough and there is sadness for sure. I just know that I've tried all that I know to have a healthy relationship with them and it's just not panned out. I've not given up hope nor do I 'close doors' ever. I just stepped away in the hopes of finding new ideas or perhaps having them want more. So far, they are content with me being away, and I've accepted I am powerless. It's certainly not easy but as I suggested, I'd rather step aside than being rejected. The pain is less to feel I am making good choices for my self-care, my sanity and my serenity. Trust your heart, program, etc. I do agree that your son will get visitation when he gets out if he pursues it. Almost all courts will want children to know their natural parents!! Hang in there - you will get to the other side - feel your feelings, trust your program and your HP - answers will come!
a4l said
Jan 21, 2021
What are the laws in your country? You use mum Rather than mom. In NZ grandparents and even former step parents have legal rights to contact with children. I'd be looking at the laws in my jurisdiction, including legal aid and seek an access/contact/visitation order. Keep a record of all contact you've had with your grandchild including texts and phone calls. Grandparents are so important. Take care.
-- Edited by a4l on Thursday 21st of January 2021 08:57:01 PM
Sorcha said
Jan 22, 2021
Thanks everyone, A4al yes I could go to court for access and would most likely be granted it as I have been very consistent in my granddaughter's life. I just don't know if I want to force it that way. For now I am having a little contact with her other grandmother who said she will speak to her daughter who has blocked me to see if anything can be done besides court. I don't know, my son is an addict but I know that her family is also affected by the disease going back generations, but they don't know they're affected and Maresie I really hear you, I find it so hard to deal with the drama and the insanity these days.
a4l said
Jan 22, 2021
Court is a draining experience. Sending lots of warm vibes your way Sarah, I do hope it works out well for you and grandchild.
Maresie888 said
Jan 22, 2021
Sorcha
For me dealing with an addict I have to come back to whose responsibility is the alcoholic addict
If and when he gets out
I have definitely been there done that. When someone goes to prison it is a whole other kettle of fish. Then they are on a bv whole other level of dependency. In so many ways it is a set up. They sit in jail.full of self pity, resentment. Their exoectatiions of what they can do when they get out way off base .
That is a huge set uo for relapse when they get out.
Where does that leave you
Now I understand addiction as a way of self regulation I can see I expected the impossible from the qualifier. He never dealt with any of his feelings never will. Luckily I do not have to.worry about that anymore
Maresie
bud said
Jan 23, 2021
I'm so sorry you have this - it is heart breaking and I wish I had words of wisdom.
When I have been rejected by all ages of family, I pray and wish them well every day. I do my best to stay in the moment, knowing that things can change. There is hope.
For many years, I have not been permitted to continue my relationship with my nieces and nephews. A few years ago, when walking in town, I heard someone calling my name and running to give me a hug. It had been so many years and yet I recognized my nephew... and more amazingly, he recognized me and wanted to connect. I am so grateful.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
WendyP said
Jan 25, 2021
Hi Sarah, I wanted to say that my heart goes out to you, as I can understand only too well what it feels like. As for going on for 7 years, I haven't been allowed to see/speak to 3 of my Grand Children, also, I have 2 other Great Grand Sons, one I have never seen, the other to be in his life for a number of years, only to be shut out of it. The only contact that I have to my 3 Grand Children is via their Fathers Mobile. With me wishing them all Happy Birthday, do they ever hear the messages, I don't know, but have continued to do so, because I want to. I also know that my son, can block me at any time on his Mobile, but that is not up to me. I am grateful that at least, I have that, and even though I am cranky at him, just to hear his voice, gives me something. It is hard for me to accept and bear, even more so, when last year, my eldest Grand Daughter was in a horrific accident and was fighting for her life, and I wasn't even told. I had to hear it from someone else. But when I did hear of it, rang my son, crying and begging for him to let me know how she was. I got nothing from him, only his partner wouldn't talk to me, only my daughter. We had to wait for text messages, and then they stopped. Since then, I have not been able to find out how she is doing, even though I have pleaded with my son to let me know. She did recover, but has long way to go with her injuries.
What happened, I couldn't stand by anymore and watch how they were both crushing my Grand Children's Spirits, I stayed in their lives for as long as I could, showing them the difference. With Love, Caring, Laughter, Compassion and Understanding. When I was allowed to be near/with them, I allowed them to be them. So, I challenged my son and his partner, on how they were bringing the children up, and what they were doing to them. I knew that I was risking losing them altogether, but things were already getting worse, they had already started blocking me from seeing them, and them for me. Since then, I have tried to sort things out, to no avail.
I know I am powerless over other people, without my Alanon program, and my belief in my God, I wouldn't be able to live with the results. I pray for each of the ones I can't see each day, and also pray for strength for me to bear it, as it it heart breaking. I Let Go and Let God, put them all in His Hands and ask Him to watch over them for me. I also pray that one day, they will come to see me. I live in a small country Town, as do my Grand Children, and I have never seem them face to face.
So, Sarah, I will keep you in my Prayers, and hope things will improve for you and your Grand Child. We have to have Hope. I feel, the Disease and it's effects, through people, have an awful lot to answer for.
I hesitate to think what your granddaughter would think or feel about a court hearing. Have seen what those
do to children, namely my own. Their dad dragged me through numerous hearing for visitation and it only
backfired on him. It is difficult to let go and let God, but for me that is what I would do, not only for the sake
of a child but for myself as well. So sorry you are going through this difficulty.
Then if he gets his act together he can apply for joint custody.
Maresie
So - I've let go and let God. There's been no attempt to have me be a part of their lives since. Covid does complicate things yet I've opted to just love them all from across the street and let it go. We've had many starts/stops in an effort to have a relationship, and each time, I am the one who's set aside or rejected in spite of my best effort to abide by their boundaries. I could write a novel on what I'm not allowed to do, buy, feed, post, etc. - all boundaries set for just me, not the other grandmother. So, as sad as it is and as much as I miss these little people, I've chosen to stay distant instead of being rejected again. My heart just can't take another cast off.
I don't know if/when things will get better, so this is certainly a ODAT thing for me. I pray for all of them each day and spend time with others who value me instead. I don't know if this helps or not but the pain is real/great often and I just have to use my tools and pray for guidance.
Sarah
Your son is gonna get out of jail. He most certainly can get visitation so you can see your grandchildren then
Maresie
I.most certainly suffered a great deal from the alcoholic's action. His impulsivity and destructiveness had a terrible affect on my life
At the time I.met him I had no boundaries. Now I do.
Therefore the number of alcoholics in my life is extremely limted. I do have to.deal with dysfunction in my life. I live in.a dysfunctional world.
I have no.control over certain areas . I certainly have no.contr over the pandemic
My former qualifier is on his own. I have stopped even looking up.where he might be. For me at this time I do not have the space for the alcoholic in my life
I hope your grandchild will have the soace and support to cime to.terms with the difficult transitions. I am sorry you are not able to be part of that
Alcoholics tend to have villains in their lives. They are a kn ways being persecuted. There is a saying in recovery Pour me Pour me. They are extremely adeot at pulling others into their saga of victimization
In particular some men who go to prison have really unreasonabke expectations of their family and spouse
They feel betrayed when other oeople do not engage in the pour me, pour me.
My empathy was such that i had more empathy for others than I had for myself. I have ny own tragedy my own pain. I no longer have the space or time to make someone else the number one priority in my life.
Maresie
What are the laws in your country? You use mum Rather than mom. In NZ grandparents and even former step parents have legal rights to contact with children. I'd be looking at the laws in my jurisdiction, including legal aid and seek an access/contact/visitation order. Keep a record of all contact you've had with your grandchild including texts and phone calls. Grandparents are so important. Take care.
-- Edited by a4l on Thursday 21st of January 2021 08:57:01 PM
Sorcha
For me dealing with an addict I have to come back to whose responsibility is the alcoholic addict
If and when he gets out
I have definitely been there done that. When someone goes to prison it is a whole other kettle of fish. Then they are on a bv whole other level of dependency. In so many ways it is a set up. They sit in jail.full of self pity, resentment. Their exoectatiions of what they can do when they get out way off base .
That is a huge set uo for relapse when they get out.
Where does that leave you
Now I understand addiction as a way of self regulation I can see I expected the impossible from the qualifier. He never dealt with any of his feelings never will. Luckily I do not have to.worry about that anymore
Maresie
When I have been rejected by all ages of family, I pray and wish them well every day. I do my best to stay in the moment, knowing that things can change. There is hope.
For many years, I have not been permitted to continue my relationship with my nieces and nephews. A few years ago, when walking in town, I heard someone calling my name and running to give me a hug. It had been so many years and yet I recognized my nephew... and more amazingly, he recognized me and wanted to connect. I am so grateful.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Hi Sarah, I wanted to say that my heart goes out to you, as I can understand only too well what it feels like. As for going on for 7 years, I haven't been allowed to see/speak to 3 of my Grand Children, also, I have 2 other Great Grand Sons, one I have never seen, the other to be in his life for a number of years, only to be shut out of it. The only contact that I have to my 3 Grand Children is via their Fathers Mobile. With me wishing them all Happy Birthday, do they ever hear the messages, I don't know, but have continued to do so, because I want to. I also know that my son, can block me at any time on his Mobile, but that is not up to me. I am grateful that at least, I have that, and even though I am cranky at him, just to hear his voice, gives me something. It is hard for me to accept and bear, even more so, when last year, my eldest Grand Daughter was in a horrific accident and was fighting for her life, and I wasn't even told. I had to hear it from someone else. But when I did hear of it, rang my son, crying and begging for him to let me know how she was. I got nothing from him, only his partner wouldn't talk to me, only my daughter. We had to wait for text messages, and then they stopped. Since then, I have not been able to find out how she is doing, even though I have pleaded with my son to let me know. She did recover, but has long way to go with her injuries.
What happened, I couldn't stand by anymore and watch how they were both crushing my Grand Children's Spirits, I stayed in their lives for as long as I could, showing them the difference. With Love, Caring, Laughter, Compassion and Understanding. When I was allowed to be near/with them, I allowed them to be them. So, I challenged my son and his partner, on how they were bringing the children up, and what they were doing to them. I knew that I was risking losing them altogether, but things were already getting worse, they had already started blocking me from seeing them, and them for me. Since then, I have tried to sort things out, to no avail.
I know I am powerless over other people, without my Alanon program, and my belief in my God, I wouldn't be able to live with the results. I pray for each of the ones I can't see each day, and also pray for strength for me to bear it, as it it heart breaking. I Let Go and Let God, put them all in His Hands and ask Him to watch over them for me. I also pray that one day, they will come to see me. I live in a small country Town, as do my Grand Children, and I have never seem them face to face.
So, Sarah, I will keep you in my Prayers, and hope things will improve for you and your Grand Child. We have to have Hope. I feel, the Disease and it's effects, through people, have an awful lot to answer for.
My Love Wendy P.