Hi my name is Jaylie. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years in January 5th. We met as juniors in high school. and started dating almost a full year later mid senior year. Since then it has been a roller coaster of emotions. we had a really good relationship for the first 4 months. He smoked weed I hated it but I didnt feel we were together very long to really say anything and then he ended up breaking up with me on our graduation night. He had proceeded to date this other girl during that time for about a month and she was a horrible person who was involved in things like cocaine, molly,Xanax, and a really bad alcoholic. This is when he Started to develop his drinking habit. On August 26th right after college started (we were both attending the same community college) he messaged me and said he missed me and all of that jazz. I of course wanted him back immediately and so we got back together. From august to December he proceeded to go back and forth between me and this girl. On again off again toxic relationship. He got into Xanax with her and fortunately after being addicted to it for about 2 months he was able to quit cold turkey and never look back. But drinking and smoking weed was not as easy. December 2019 we got back together. And I had put up some boundaries at this point and explained it would be the last time. And boy was I wrong there haha. About 4 months in he had gone to Oklahoma to stay with his older brother to help them remodel a house. His drinking got 100x worse will he was there and he would call me in the middle of the night starting fights over things that would confuse me. Then unfortunately he decided to make some online accounts to chat with girls who were selling things like nudes and videos. He never bought any or actually talked to a girl more than just a hey . But it still hurt and I had found them all. I broke up with him but I knew it wasnt him. I knew he was an alcoholic even if I didnt want to admit it. So I took him back. He did it again on my 19th birthday and once more after that. In November of 2020 we were at my friends apartment and he had a bit too much to drink and that night I had just had enough of everything being so rough and emotionally draining in our relationship. Me, him & this friend were about to sign a lease together. i told him that if he even tried to do anything along the lines of cheated will we living together that I would kick him out. He cried and apologized over and over. And about an hour later after my friend went to bed he got angry and went outside trying to leave, proce to projectile vomit and then laid in my lap crying for about 2 hours. And the next day we were driving to Petco to buy our dog a new collar and he had this crazy outbirts out of nowhere and started to punch my dashboard (I was driving) and scream out of the window laughing and crying all at once. And he asked me if I could help him and to just take him home and that he needs help and that he wants to change and not be this way. A week later he was in rehab. While he was in there we seemed great. I was able to regain my independence and partly find myself and figure out my wants and he was able to connect with God. When he came back he did not immediately start going to meetings and he was in sober living too. I worked and encouraged him and would sometimes go to meetings with him. He still had his anger but aside from that he seemed to have everything under control. Fast forward a couple weeks he decides he doesnt like sober living and he moves back home to his moms house. (His parents are separated and his dad is an ex alcoholic). a couple weeks go by and he is stressed on the verge of relapse and although our relationship seemed okay he was not okay. He kept talking about living with his dad instead and finally yesterday he moved in. I am relieved that he is at his dads for many reasons. But today I am coming here because he has decided to only see me one day a week aside from church On Sundays. and I understand it, I understand he needs to find himself and adjust back into the real world without the substances. But he has pushed me away and is keeping me at arms length. He barely talks to me and I undedtand he is depressed and needs his space to find God and not be so reliant on me or others in general for his own happiness. I understand I cant control it and that I didnt cause it. I just feel like he is pushing me so far away and Im giving him space Im just taking it hard because Ive never been here before. (I attend family IOP as well as al anon meetings.) I told him that I am here for him and yet its like he doesnt want to even speak to me. And its just making me sad and I want to focus on myself and I have been but I just wish it didnt feel like I was losing him just because we were on again off again so often before. Even though its been a while since any of that. I guess Im just looking for guidance or advice on how to deal with him keeping me at arms length .
Debb said
Jan 17, 2021
Javliejewell, welcome to MIP and for sharing with us!
Recovery is a pretty personal thing to an alcoholic. We learn in Al-Anon that it is not our "business" to get
involved. I know it feels like you are being kept at arms length, but it is important for you to get help
you need via Al-Anon and for your boyfriend to do his own recovery separately. For now, I am sorry to say,
you will have to love your boyfriend from a distance and this will show that you honor his recovery.
Please keep coming back, we are here for you!
-- Edited by Debb on Sunday 17th of January 2021 09:07:47 AM
Maresie888 said
Jan 17, 2021
Jaylie
I am of courss thoroughly.familiar with the.kind if relationship you are havimg
Al anon has some incredible tool to help you with all of the issues you are struggling with
Like many of the peole in al.anon I cane here totallly focused on my qualifier. I was ficused on the chaos he caused m
Living around him, the on off relationshio triggered many issues for me
Certainly I have had relationships where I was #cheated # on. In fact many of my relationships mirrored elements of what were really oainful moments from my childhood
I know that you are cwetainly in the right place. Al anon was mosr certainly one of the best places I found myself.
Indeed frustraation is ny middle name.
Currently I am very frustated by the pandemic my work situation, some medical issues I have and more
In al anon I am able to break down what I need to do take care of myself
In some ways I am more resilient thsn I have ever been.
I.am so glad that you.found a way to find this group
Welcome!
Maresie
Iamhere said
Jan 17, 2021
Welcome to MIP Jaylie - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I am glad to read that you attended IOP and attend Al-Anon meetings. There is never shame in loving an alcoholic, yet it can be much more than we can handle, esp. if we are new to Al-Anon or unaware of our own recovery needs. My best suggestion is to try and practice this program as best you can one day at a time. If you can put yourself first, explore your needs and what brings you pleasure, read some literature and give him space/time, the answers surely will come to you.
It's really hard to watch someone we know struggle with this disease. It's really hard to fully digest, embrace and accept how deeply we've been affected. I was so entrenched in the lives of my A(s) that I had lost my identity and my self-worth and esteem. A sponsor was very helpful to me in redirecting my thoughts, worry, obsession towards me vs. them.
I hope you know you're not alone. There is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back!
Hi my name is Jaylie. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years in January 5th. We met as juniors in high school. and started dating almost a full year later mid senior year. Since then it has been a roller coaster of emotions. we had a really good relationship for the first 4 months. He smoked weed I hated it but I didnt feel we were together very long to really say anything and then he ended up breaking up with me on our graduation night. He had proceeded to date this other girl during that time for about a month and she was a horrible person who was involved in things like cocaine, molly,Xanax, and a really bad alcoholic. This is when he Started to develop his drinking habit. On August 26th right after college started (we were both attending the same community college) he messaged me and said he missed me and all of that jazz. I of course wanted him back immediately and so we got back together. From august to December he proceeded to go back and forth between me and this girl. On again off again toxic relationship. He got into Xanax with her and fortunately after being addicted to it for about 2 months he was able to quit cold turkey and never look back. But drinking and smoking weed was not as easy. December 2019 we got back together. And I had put up some boundaries at this point and explained it would be the last time. And boy was I wrong there haha. About 4 months in he had gone to Oklahoma to stay with his older brother to help them remodel a house. His drinking got 100x worse will he was there and he would call me in the middle of the night starting fights over things that would confuse me. Then unfortunately he decided to make some online accounts to chat with girls who were selling things like nudes and videos. He never bought any or actually talked to a girl more than just a hey . But it still hurt and I had found them all. I broke up with him but I knew it wasnt him. I knew he was an alcoholic even if I didnt want to admit it. So I took him back. He did it again on my 19th birthday and once more after that. In November of 2020 we were at my friends apartment and he had a bit too much to drink and that night I had just had enough of everything being so rough and emotionally draining in our relationship. Me, him & this friend were about to sign a lease together. i told him that if he even tried to do anything along the lines of cheated will we living together that I would kick him out. He cried and apologized over and over. And about an hour later after my friend went to bed he got angry and went outside trying to leave, proce to projectile vomit and then laid in my lap crying for about 2 hours. And the next day we were driving to Petco to buy our dog a new collar and he had this crazy outbirts out of nowhere and started to punch my dashboard (I was driving) and scream out of the window laughing and crying all at once. And he asked me if I could help him and to just take him home and that he needs help and that he wants to change and not be this way. A week later he was in rehab. While he was in there we seemed great. I was able to regain my independence and partly find myself and figure out my wants and he was able to connect with God. When he came back he did not immediately start going to meetings and he was in sober living too. I worked and encouraged him and would sometimes go to meetings with him. He still had his anger but aside from that he seemed to have everything under control. Fast forward a couple weeks he decides he doesnt like sober living and he moves back home to his moms house. (His parents are separated and his dad is an ex alcoholic). a couple weeks go by and he is stressed on the verge of relapse and although our relationship seemed okay he was not okay. He kept talking about living with his dad instead and finally yesterday he moved in. I am relieved that he is at his dads for many reasons. But today I am coming here because he has decided to only see me one day a week aside from church On Sundays. and I understand it, I understand he needs to find himself and adjust back into the real world without the substances. But he has pushed me away and is keeping me at arms length. He barely talks to me and I undedtand he is depressed and needs his space to find God and not be so reliant on me or others in general for his own happiness. I understand I cant control it and that I didnt cause it. I just feel like he is pushing me so far away and Im giving him space Im just taking it hard because Ive never been here before. (I attend family IOP as well as al anon meetings.) I told him that I am here for him and yet its like he doesnt want to even speak to me. And its just making me sad and I want to focus on myself and I have been but I just wish it didnt feel like I was losing him just because we were on again off again so often before. Even though its been a while since any of that. I guess Im just looking for guidance or advice on how to deal with him keeping me at arms length .
Javliejewell, welcome to MIP and for sharing with us!
Recovery is a pretty personal thing to an alcoholic. We learn in Al-Anon that it is not our "business" to get
involved. I know it feels like you are being kept at arms length, but it is important for you to get help
you need via Al-Anon and for your boyfriend to do his own recovery separately. For now, I am sorry to say,
you will have to love your boyfriend from a distance and this will show that you honor his recovery.
Please keep coming back, we are here for you!
-- Edited by Debb on Sunday 17th of January 2021 09:07:47 AM
Jaylie
I am of courss thoroughly.familiar with the.kind if relationship you are havimg
Al anon has some incredible tool to help you with all of the issues you are struggling with
Like many of the peole in al.anon I cane here totallly focused on my qualifier. I was ficused on the chaos he caused m
Living around him, the on off relationshio triggered many issues for me
Certainly I have had relationships where I was #cheated # on. In fact many of my relationships mirrored elements of what were really oainful moments from my childhood
I know that you are cwetainly in the right place. Al anon was mosr certainly one of the best places I found myself.
Indeed frustraation is ny middle name.
Currently I am very frustated by the pandemic my work situation, some medical issues I have and more
In al anon I am able to break down what I need to do take care of myself
In some ways I am more resilient thsn I have ever been.
I.am so glad that you.found a way to find this group
Welcome!
Maresie
It's really hard to watch someone we know struggle with this disease. It's really hard to fully digest, embrace and accept how deeply we've been affected. I was so entrenched in the lives of my A(s) that I had lost my identity and my self-worth and esteem. A sponsor was very helpful to me in redirecting my thoughts, worry, obsession towards me vs. them.
I hope you know you're not alone. There is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back!