I have been working the 12 steps for the past 4 weeks. Have to admit when I restarted, I looked over my
original work back in 2014, cause I saved what I did, that it was a real help to see that what I did was
basically the same as now! Not sure if that is good or bad.
The reason I need input is because I feel stuck. AH has been doing some really, I think, weird stuff: Like
mumbling loudly from his little office, swearing at things and/or people on his phone from work and on the
computer. I know he is drinking in there, but it is really getting on my nerves. This afternoon I asked him
who is he swearing and threatening and of course he storms back into his office and hands me his phone to
read an e-mail from someone at work requesting something that he feels is stupid. I did not read the mail
and just put the phone back on his desk. He proceeded to rant at me about how he should retire (which is a
dig at me, because I am retired, but I am 6 years older then him) and I could immediately tell that he was
going to turn this into a dumping fest on me for me asking who he was fighting with. I kept my mouth
shut and went back to my computer and put on earphones. I can tell at this point that the mumbling and
swearing has abated substantially, but boy did I pay the price for opening my mouth and asking him a
question.
I feel so cornered right now, like I need peace but all there seems to be is anger and animosity and I
really want to get past it and find my peace of mind. I would so like to be on my own right now, but I
know it really isn't the right time, trust me I know me.
Your input would be so appreciated!!
Ya know what I did and I want to thank you all who read this and to anyone who would like to give me
their thoughts, but I sit at my computer in the afternoon and chat with you guys, a few friends from
High School on FB and I also follow my nutrition on an on-line app. So I put on some really nice
Winter Jazz music and put my headphones on after I wrote this post and I'll be damned if that was
what I needed. I know I can't get away completely right now, and know that I am detaching the best
way I can. There are times when a girl needs a bit more peace and this music did it for me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-gxNYXogKU
I'm trying and thought I would share!!!
-- Edited by Debb on Wednesday 13th of January 2021 06:06:38 PM
SunnyFrogs said
Jan 13, 2021
I read your post earlier today and honestly I felt like I didn't have the right to respond since I have so many issues of my own. But coming back and reading the rest that you added I decided to say something afterall.
Every question I have asked AH since yesterday has ended up with me wishing I hadn't asked anything at all. It's getting to the point where it's not worth the back lash I am going to receive in return. I am getting so much better at just walking away from it though ,maybe not every time but way much more than before. It's very tiring tbh and I keep asking myself is this really how I want to spend my life, married to someone that I can't even ask a simple question? With everything going on though with the pandemic and finances, I am here for now and I am doing my best to just detach.
Music is my go to. I like to find full albums on Youtube and put on headphones as I am doing other things. I usually listen to music from my teenage years, the old school stuff, because it makes me feel peaceful and happy. There's no way I can listen to it and not feel good. There's been days I have had my headphones on pretty much the entire day. Sometimes I dance around the house too.
And as a side note ,there's been plenty of times I have worn the headphones so that AH thinks I am listening to music when I'm not. And when he starts complaining or ranting I point to them so he knows I can't hear him. It works ,LOL. I don't really use earbuds that much anymore because he can't see them because of my hair. But the headphones, the big, old school type, they can't be missed.
Maresie888 said
Jan 14, 2021
Some people know how to get right under your skin. I sent some mail to my.former roommate. The mail is delayed. He made a huge fuss
He was incredibly irritating. I.had to deal with that daily for 4 months last year
4 whole months of that. Now I do not need to deal wuth him anymore for a while. I would get so exasperated by his stand offs I would go totally into.my inner critic
Now I.am able to observe it. There is a gap i between it
Some people are monumentally.selfish
Maresie
Debb said
Jan 14, 2021
Thank you so much SunnyFrogs and Maresie888!!
The music was something I had not thought of doing and it does calm the situation for me down so much!!
I do use the big headphones but need to stay close to the computer because of the cord. Gonna have to
get some cordless headphones!!
I am stuck between a rock and hard place too, finances and the pandemic are two of the largest issues,
so finding a way to work around these issues is an enormous help. Since I asked AH who he was swearing
and threatening, the mumbling and ranting have stopped, which is great, but had to pay the price for asking
him a question. Will move on and try my best! Thank you both for your help!
DavidG said
Jan 14, 2021
asking for input... huh...???
I wondered what Winter Jazz was so I took up the link and am playing it now.
I use music a lot for my C-PTSD- and it actually does work! Not right away usually-
but calm has a way of sneaking up... ... Getting by- I use the word "adult" as a verb.
Just having common sense, middle of the road, conversations is a real novelty for me.
Kick back- relax talk about the weather- and any other stuff that springs to mind. ...
Debb said
Jan 14, 2021
Thank you TT for your ESH and service and response to my post.
I am so grateful to be part of this group because it gives me an opportunity to learn from all of you.
I am and will always be a work in progress.
{{HUGS}}
Debb said
Jan 14, 2021
David, go glad you followed the link and like the music!
I thought it was wonderful.
You are right, having an adult, common sense, middle of the road conversation
is a novelty. What a shame, but will have to concentrate on me, like TT said
and avoid the questions/dumping and find those kick back and relaxing things
that will lead me to my peace!
Thank you David for your response, so greatly appreciate it.
Maresie888 said
Jan 14, 2021
Debb
There is no adult.conversation.with the former roommate. I.no longer live in his house
I deal with tedious obnoxious people daily.
It is an art but I.am.much more up
For the art now than ever before
The techniques that Sunnyfrogs put out are innovative. In theory it is called #greybar# do not feed the fire
The main piece is to give up the #longing#
At one time your A met some needs. Now he does not
Of course there are survival straregies. In the.middle of a pandemic you have to move carefully. That is very very carefully. In essence you are guaranteed to be irritated
Totally triggered maybe not
Practive and patience helps
Maresie
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 14, 2021
Debb - good for you in finding what can work for you NOW. I too used music/ear buds!
Hold onto that serenity, any way you can!
SunnyFrogs said
Jan 14, 2021
Debb, Bluetooth headphones work great and don't even cost very much anymore. They work with every device that I own, which is great.
I have been working the 12 steps for the past 4 weeks. Have to admit when I restarted, I looked over my
original work back in 2014, cause I saved what I did, that it was a real help to see that what I did was
basically the same as now! Not sure if that is good or bad.
The reason I need input is because I feel stuck. AH has been doing some really, I think, weird stuff: Like
mumbling loudly from his little office, swearing at things and/or people on his phone from work and on the
computer. I know he is drinking in there, but it is really getting on my nerves. This afternoon I asked him
who is he swearing and threatening and of course he storms back into his office and hands me his phone to
read an e-mail from someone at work requesting something that he feels is stupid. I did not read the mail
and just put the phone back on his desk. He proceeded to rant at me about how he should retire (which is a
dig at me, because I am retired, but I am 6 years older then him) and I could immediately tell that he was
going to turn this into a dumping fest on me for me asking who he was fighting with. I kept my mouth
shut and went back to my computer and put on earphones. I can tell at this point that the mumbling and
swearing has abated substantially, but boy did I pay the price for opening my mouth and asking him a
question.
I feel so cornered right now, like I need peace but all there seems to be is anger and animosity and I
really want to get past it and find my peace of mind. I would so like to be on my own right now, but I
know it really isn't the right time, trust me I know me.
Your input would be so appreciated!!
Ya know what I did and I want to thank you all who read this and to anyone who would like to give me
their thoughts, but I sit at my computer in the afternoon and chat with you guys, a few friends from
High School on FB and I also follow my nutrition on an on-line app. So I put on some really nice
Winter Jazz music and put my headphones on after I wrote this post and I'll be damned if that was
what I needed. I know I can't get away completely right now, and know that I am detaching the best
way I can. There are times when a girl needs a bit more peace and this music did it for me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-gxNYXogKU
I'm trying and thought I would share!!!
-- Edited by Debb on Wednesday 13th of January 2021 06:06:38 PM
Every question I have asked AH since yesterday has ended up with me wishing I hadn't asked anything at all. It's getting to the point where it's not worth the back lash I am going to receive in return. I am getting so much better at just walking away from it though ,maybe not every time but way much more than before. It's very tiring tbh and I keep asking myself is this really how I want to spend my life, married to someone that I can't even ask a simple question? With everything going on though with the pandemic and finances, I am here for now and I am doing my best to just detach.
Music is my go to. I like to find full albums on Youtube and put on headphones as I am doing other things. I usually listen to music from my teenage years, the old school stuff, because it makes me feel peaceful and happy. There's no way I can listen to it and not feel good. There's been days I have had my headphones on pretty much the entire day. Sometimes I dance around the house too.
And as a side note ,there's been plenty of times I have worn the headphones so that AH thinks I am listening to music when I'm not. And when he starts complaining or ranting I point to them so he knows I can't hear him. It works ,LOL. I don't really use earbuds that much anymore because he can't see them because of my hair. But the headphones, the big, old school type, they can't be missed.
Some people know how to get right under your skin. I sent some mail to my.former roommate. The mail is delayed. He made a huge fuss
He was incredibly irritating. I.had to deal with that daily for 4 months last year
4 whole months of that. Now I do not need to deal wuth him anymore for a while. I would get so exasperated by his stand offs I would go totally into.my inner critic
Now I.am able to observe it. There is a gap i between it
Some people are monumentally.selfish
Maresie
The music was something I had not thought of doing and it does calm the situation for me down so much!!
I do use the big headphones but need to stay close to the computer because of the cord. Gonna have to
get some cordless headphones!!
I am stuck between a rock and hard place too, finances and the pandemic are two of the largest issues,
so finding a way to work around these issues is an enormous help. Since I asked AH who he was swearing
and threatening, the mumbling and ranting have stopped, which is great, but had to pay the price for asking
him a question. Will move on and try my best! Thank you both for your help!
I wondered what Winter Jazz was so I took up the link and am playing it now.
I use music a lot for my C-PTSD- and it actually does work! Not right away usually-
but calm has a way of sneaking up...
... Getting by- I use the word "adult" as a verb.
Just having common sense, middle of the road, conversations is a real novelty for me.
Kick back- relax talk about the weather- and any other stuff that springs to mind.
...
I am so grateful to be part of this group because it gives me an opportunity to learn from all of you.
I am and will always be a work in progress.
{{HUGS}}
I thought it was wonderful.
You are right, having an adult, common sense, middle of the road conversation
is a novelty. What a shame, but will have to concentrate on me, like TT said
and avoid the questions/dumping and find those kick back and relaxing things
that will lead me to my peace!
Thank you David for your response, so greatly appreciate it.
Debb
There is no adult.conversation.with the former roommate. I.no longer live in his house
I deal with tedious obnoxious people daily.
It is an art but I.am.much more up
For the art now than ever before
The techniques that Sunnyfrogs put out are innovative. In theory it is called #greybar# do not feed the fire
The main piece is to give up the #longing#
At one time your A met some needs. Now he does not
Of course there are survival straregies. In the.middle of a pandemic you have to move carefully. That is very very carefully. In essence you are guaranteed to be irritated
Totally triggered maybe not
Practive and patience helps
Maresie
Hold onto that serenity, any way you can!