How Alanon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics: Detachment and Forgiveness
Lyne said
Jan 10, 2021
For Monday, 1/11, I came across some amazing ideas from the book titled above. The author states that recovery is about reclaiming our own lives, learning to focus on ourselves, build on our strengths, and ask for and accept help.
When we cannot live our own lives because of the preoccupation of others, our behavior becomes motivated by fear. It is harmful to a relationship, and it becomes very self-destructive.
Detachment is one of the most valuable techniques to those of us who want to reclaim ourselves. This means that we separate ourselves emotionally and spiritually from other people.
And we utilize forgiveness for no one but ourselves. Lingering resentments are like acid eating away at us. We may despise what others have done, but if our goal is truly to heal ourselves, then the best thing we can do is forgive.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
As someone who continues to live with an untreated and sometimes active alcoholic, I am constantly seeking ways to hold onto mental balance. It is a real challenge, and alanon has become my life preserver. I have spent time being obsessed and all consumed with my A. It left no room for me. Detachment seemed like a goal I would never reach, but with practice I can achieve it much of the time. My A is unable to see the inconsistent and illogical behavior presented to me. And I must agree that anger and resentment only hurt myself. And Im sick of hurting myself. I choose healing, and freedom, and serenity; therefore I work on forgiveness often.
Alanon is a very simple but complicated program. All I know is that it works if I work it!
Debb said
Jan 10, 2021
Hi Lyne!!!
Thank you for today's reading, your service and ESH.
I think that, for me, detachment is one of the most important tools of Al-Anon. Relinquishing control to HP
(minding my own business, I did not cause, nor can I cure or control AH), was the most important way I
was going to get back my life/sanity/dignity. I agree, living with an active drinker is a test of fortitude, and
I thank my HP everyday for MIP and Al-Anon. When I feel those resentments surface, I automatically,
mentally visualize Step 1 & 2, brings be back to center almost immediately. It works when you works it!
{{HUGS}}
-- Edited by Debb on Sunday 10th of January 2021 08:51:57 PM
Maresie888 said
Jan 10, 2021
Dear Lynne
Thank you for your service and your esh.
Thank you Debb for your ESH
Focusing on myself is very difficult
I did not much like myself
But I.certainly craved affection from the most unlikely people
Learnimg how to.detach was really hard
I did not want new skills
I.wanted the qualifier to change
I only gave in to trying because people here eulogized detaching
Somehow in the middle of all that distrust fear of betrayal and anger I let them in. I was willing
Flash to January 2021. I have been encountering profound change. After a year replete in triggers I.am feeling hopeful resourceful and grateful
I.am glad to be in a much better place
Maresie
Iamhere said
Jan 11, 2021
Good morning MIP and happy Monday to all. Thank you Lyne for your service and the daily. Thanks to everyone for your shares and ESH. I was fueled by fear for much of my life and didn't even know it. I suspect I still am in ways that have yet to be revealed, yet do way better when I just focus on this one day that is with me in the here/now.
Detachment to me was confusing and difficult. I confused detachment with departing, ignoring and a few 'other' terms simply because I was insanely affected by this disease in my life all around me. I still had tons of fear, most stemming from projections of how others would respond if I tried to change me. Baby steps and a good sponsor helped me start with small things and while there was push-back & retaliation from my guys, I trusted my sponsor and my HP that I was on the right path forward.
Practice, practice, practice is all I know to do. Today, I am willing to do whatever I can to hold tight to my serenity and sanity. I see and feel the value is just choosing detachment from insanity, chaos, etc. It does work when we work it!
Enjoy the day all - the sun is shining and that just lifts my spirit - grateful for the simple things...(((Hugs)))
Skorpi said
Jan 11, 2021
A very happy Monday to you all. Lyne, thank you for this important topic.
Detachment is something I've confused with a lot of other things, but something I keep trying to improve on. Today, I was given the opportunity to not take things personally, to recognize that emotions are not facts, and to consider why setting boundaries or addressing mistreatment are terrifying to me. All brought to me courtesy of a co-worker asking that we reschedule a meeting at the last minute. Again. Like every other meeting we have had since fall. But what a fantastic opportunity to practice my Al-Anon tools! And to recognize that Al-Anon tools apply to other aspects of my life. I was shocked to realize that I was taking things so personally, that I'd tied my self-worth to the co-worker showing up and collaborating on a project, and I was surprised that I was surprised that she didn't show, when she hasn't in the past. (sounds a lot like doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome!)
Today, I'm thankful for the Al-Anon tool of detachment, of the ability to recognize how I was feeling, and to recognize that I needed to set a boundary. My emotional turmoil these days is usually related to the need to set a boundary and to detach from the other person's reaction to that boundary.
And, thankful as well for Lyne and all of you, opening this space so I could pop by today over lunch for a bit of program time and connection.
SunnyFrogs said
Jan 11, 2021
I can be doing so well at detaching and focusing on myself and then something happens and I spiral right back into obsessing about AH again. It's a vicious cycle that I am working on changing.
I have a lot of anger and resentment that I hang onto. I know that it's destructive in so many different ways and it's holding me back from working this program in the way I would like. I'm trying to find a way to move past it and forgive.
Lyne said
Jan 12, 2021
Unfortunately Ive had years of anger and resentment. These days I try to remind myself of Step 3 almost every morning: Turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him. Its easy to say and hard to do, but as someone else said, practice , practice, practice. If I change my attitude I can release myself from negative thoughts and influences. Im powerless over others, but not myself. Progress not perfection ODAT.
Bettertomorrow said
Jan 13, 2021
Thank you Lyne.
This is a lesson I am still learning. Even with my AH living apart and keeping to his own side of the street, I am still worrying that he is OK, when I need to remind myself that I am not his or anyone else's HP.
I also struggle with understanding about detachment when there are also children present in the house - I may be able to detach, but it doesn't seem fair that they should also have to take this on aswell - and probably why in the end I had to detach physically, for the sake of the children and live apart from him.
Forgiveness I am getting better at but tbh I think the physical separation helps with this.
For Monday, 1/11, I came across some amazing ideas from the book titled above. The author states that recovery is about reclaiming our own lives, learning to focus on ourselves, build on our strengths, and ask for and accept help.
When we cannot live our own lives because of the preoccupation of others, our behavior becomes motivated by fear. It is harmful to a relationship, and it becomes very self-destructive.
Detachment is one of the most valuable techniques to those of us who want to reclaim ourselves. This means that we separate ourselves emotionally and spiritually from other people.
And we utilize forgiveness for no one but ourselves. Lingering resentments are like acid eating away at us. We may despise what others have done, but if our goal is truly to heal ourselves, then the best thing we can do is forgive.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
As someone who continues to live with an untreated and sometimes active alcoholic, I am constantly seeking ways to hold onto mental balance. It is a real challenge, and alanon has become my life preserver. I have spent time being obsessed and all consumed with my A. It left no room for me. Detachment seemed like a goal I would never reach, but with practice I can achieve it much of the time. My A is unable to see the inconsistent and illogical behavior presented to me. And I must agree that anger and resentment only hurt myself. And Im sick of hurting myself. I choose healing, and freedom, and serenity; therefore I work on forgiveness often.
Alanon is a very simple but complicated program. All I know is that it works if I work it!
Hi Lyne!!!
Thank you for today's reading, your service and ESH.
I think that, for me, detachment is one of the most important tools of Al-Anon. Relinquishing control to HP
(minding my own business, I did not cause, nor can I cure or control AH), was the most important way I
was going to get back my life/sanity/dignity. I agree, living with an active drinker is a test of fortitude, and
I thank my HP everyday for MIP and Al-Anon. When I feel those resentments surface, I automatically,
mentally visualize Step 1 & 2, brings be back to center almost immediately. It works when you works it!
{{HUGS}}
-- Edited by Debb on Sunday 10th of January 2021 08:51:57 PM
Dear Lynne
Thank you for your service and your esh.
Thank you Debb for your ESH
Focusing on myself is very difficult
I did not much like myself
But I.certainly craved affection from the most unlikely people
Learnimg how to.detach was really hard
I did not want new skills
I.wanted the qualifier to change
I only gave in to trying because people here eulogized detaching
Somehow in the middle of all that distrust fear of betrayal and anger I let them in. I was willing
Flash to January 2021. I have been encountering profound change. After a year replete in triggers I.am feeling hopeful resourceful and grateful
I.am glad to be in a much better place
Maresie
Detachment to me was confusing and difficult. I confused detachment with departing, ignoring and a few 'other' terms simply because I was insanely affected by this disease in my life all around me. I still had tons of fear, most stemming from projections of how others would respond if I tried to change me. Baby steps and a good sponsor helped me start with small things and while there was push-back & retaliation from my guys, I trusted my sponsor and my HP that I was on the right path forward.
Practice, practice, practice is all I know to do. Today, I am willing to do whatever I can to hold tight to my serenity and sanity. I see and feel the value is just choosing detachment from insanity, chaos, etc. It does work when we work it!
Enjoy the day all - the sun is shining and that just lifts my spirit - grateful for the simple things...(((Hugs)))
Detachment is something I've confused with a lot of other things, but something I keep trying to improve on. Today, I was given the opportunity to not take things personally, to recognize that emotions are not facts, and to consider why setting boundaries or addressing mistreatment are terrifying to me. All brought to me courtesy of a co-worker asking that we reschedule a meeting at the last minute. Again. Like every other meeting we have had since fall. But what a fantastic opportunity to practice my Al-Anon tools! And to recognize that Al-Anon tools apply to other aspects of my life. I was shocked to realize that I was taking things so personally, that I'd tied my self-worth to the co-worker showing up and collaborating on a project, and I was surprised that I was surprised that she didn't show, when she hasn't in the past. (sounds a lot like doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome!)
Today, I'm thankful for the Al-Anon tool of detachment, of the ability to recognize how I was feeling, and to recognize that I needed to set a boundary. My emotional turmoil these days is usually related to the need to set a boundary and to detach from the other person's reaction to that boundary.
And, thankful as well for Lyne and all of you, opening this space so I could pop by today over lunch for a bit of program time and connection.
I have a lot of anger and resentment that I hang onto. I know that it's destructive in so many different ways and it's holding me back from working this program in the way I would like. I'm trying to find a way to move past it and forgive.
Thank you Lyne.
This is a lesson I am still learning. Even with my AH living apart and keeping to his own side of the street, I am still worrying that he is OK, when I need to remind myself that I am not his or anyone else's HP.
I also struggle with understanding about detachment when there are also children present in the house - I may be able to detach, but it doesn't seem fair that they should also have to take this on aswell - and probably why in the end I had to detach physically, for the sake of the children and live apart from him.
Forgiveness I am getting better at but tbh I think the physical separation helps with this.
Thank you for your share.