Being a certifiable al-anon I don't do well with change, but as we all know change is inevitable whether we like it or not. I have been through 4 alcoholic marriages (left the last one some 11 years ago) so I have been through a lot of change. Which at this venture in my life makes change all the more hard. I recently moved some 240 miles to be nearer my daughter as I needed the emotional support according to my therapist and doctor. I have been through extensive inpatient therapy due to the fallout from the alcoholic marriages. I will not go into that here, since al-anon is not a professional program, but one of attraction rather than promotion. I am attempting to find a local al-anon program as the on-line MIP does not exist anymore for all intents and purposes, accept through this message board. The chat room has been my al-anon home of choice for some 10 years, so going back to f2f (I've been in the program some 20+ years) is going to be another change, but one I hope will be for the better.
I have a lot of anxiety associated with this move and landing a new job. I have two interviews lined up, one with a vet clinic. I used to be a vet tech some 15 years ago, so I'm surprised that they are considering me, but I am grateful that they are. The other job is one in home care, which I have been doing for the last 15 years and am wanting to get out of due to the burn out that is associated with that type of care. I'd appreciate prayers in this adjustment and any e,s, and h that you might have to share with how you got through a massive change in your life.
JerryF said
Nov 30, 2020
Overcome is is great to see you back on the board and sharing your ESH with family. I missed you and you have prayers of course. Stick around and listen and learn. I relate to your share and remember my journey which contained so much hate and anger and resentment and stayed in the rooms and in the literature and with my sponsors and much more cause I didn't want to die crazy. I also had more than several alcoholic relationship which brought me to the understanding that I needed constant help which I am getting right now. Keep coming back sweety...(((hugs)))
Iamhere said
Nov 30, 2020
(((Overcome))) - so, so, so excited for your 2 interviews...I think that's just awesome - and I agree that while change is so, so difficult - my experience is that when I can lean into my HP and remember I am loved and there's a master plan, it's a bit less stressful.
I am so sorry about all that's been. I know that we all get here by way of the disease and it's affect on us and yet, I still get sad as I consider the pain you and we experience along our journey. My journey has always been within this disease. I was raised in it, did my own 'research', married another A and then produced 2 with the disease. I remind myself and others on a regular/daily basis that we are all miracles in progress and our past does not define us. I am calmed by trusting my HP to lead me through every life event and the reality that I was designed to be perfectly imperfect - human - and mistakes/pain/uncertainty are just part of the journey.
Please keep us posted. My hope is you get the job which is best for you! I desperately miss my F2F meetings and am not thrilled with the Zoom meetings but do attend so I stay grounded in my recovery. I have also suggested to others who've had to relocate to contact their local Al-Anon just to see what's happening during these times. (((Hugs)))
Lyne said
Dec 2, 2020
{{{OC}}}. Feel like Ive been down in the trenches with you with alcoholic marriages (in my second), having trouble with change, and I can say for myself I need a whole lot of help. I attend my home f2f meeting on zoom. Its not the same as f2f but it helps to see the familiar faces. I have a new sponsor (Betty died in Feb. if you knew of her). I try to read and write on our board daily. And I also text with a program friend mostly every morning. I see an addiction counselor 1xmonth (now on the phone) to get the professional take on my life with my A. And I have the opportunity to practice my tools daily. It works if you work it and Im sure you know all the sayings. Keep coming back. :)
Maresie888 said
Dec 2, 2020
Two interviews is a lot
Sounds like you have it laid out whst you need
I have been contemplatimg a move for sometime.
Fear is normal. Not suceeding at first is normsl
You have the right attitude it is going to be difficult
I know I have already endured the worst
I know I have been through the wringer
I.feel far less afraid than I did before
I am so much more resilient
I know you will keep is posred
The MIP chat room was very very very helpful to me
I know it wss an absolute lifeline
Part of the reason I am moving is because I want to be nearer recovery sources
I think you are doing ohenomenal. I mean you are right on tracj. That is incredible!!
Overcome said
Dec 3, 2020
Thanks to everyone who responded to my post and those that came in and read it. I did not land the job(s) but as Maresie pointed out "not succeeding at first is normal". While this is a set back, it has made me more determined than ever to knuckle down and fill out those job applications and try to find work, any work.
Lyne- yes I remember Betty (hotrod) and she was a sweet soul. She did great service work here and also in the chat room. I primarily saw her here on the message board, however. She will be greatly missed.
JerryF - my journey too has included hate,anger and resentment. This manifested itself most not when I was married to the alcoholic (although there were certainly times that it did), but when I was caring for my mom who had Alzheimer's. I was angry that people abandoned me (or so I thought), I hated people that were there for me one minute and gone the next, I resented those who did not make the choice that I had made to stay at home with my mother and went back to work instead and placed there loved one in a home. Now looking back there were not as many people that abandoned me as those that stayed the course. I now understand that those that were here one minute and gone the next were just not as strong as me and could not deal with the horrible disease and the deteriorating effects that it has on those we love. Now 5 years out from the disease and my mother's death from it, I can see that those that made the choice to place there loved ones in a home instead of choosing to stay with there loved one at home till the end may have been doing so for there own sanity (which I almost lost mine in the depths of this disease). Alzheimer's is very similar to Alcoholism in many respects and there are those alcoholics that if they stay out there long enough can suffer from dementia as well.
Reading back over my post I see a lot of similarities in the two diseases that I didn't realize as I was typing it. "I hated people that were there for me one minute and gone the next" this is true in the disease of alcoholism as it is with Alzheimer's in that people leave us as we stay in the insipid disease of Alcoholism with the alcoholic and become as sick as they are. We too can lose friends, jobs and respect of those we love for staying in the family disease of alcoholism and not in recovery. Before al-anon I resented people that set boundaries with alcoholics and did not 'stay the course' and support the alcoholic. What I didn't realize was that setting boundaries for themselves was healthy and 'staying the course' often involved enabling behaviors that were not in the alcoholics best interest, or mine. I'm not saying that some cannot stay in a relationship with an alcoholic and also pursue recovery for themselves, I have seen it done and applaud those that can stay 'detached with love' from their alcoholic while staying in the relationship, this is easier said than done however and I for one never had the fortitude to do so. (Probably the reason for the 4 alcoholic marriages and divorces) Fortunately for me, by divorce number four I was practicing the principles of al-anon and did not get myself into another alcoholic marriage. I realized that if the sparks immediately fly when I meet someone, they are probably an alcoholic as that is what I'm attracted to for some reason. IT's like I have a big neon sign on me that says 'enabler' or at least I did prior al-anon.
Just for Today I will stay on track and do the 'next right thing' when it comes to my future and the change that will in-evidently come. I will continue to go to my 12-step recovery meetings and I will continue to post on here and read posts of others (as I have been doing). I will continue my job search and not give up.
Maresie888 said
Dec 4, 2020
Overcome
It is very very.very normal.for those of us who grow up in i dysfunction to have dhsfunctional relationshios
In.al anon I still relate very very much to people who.are from my.background. i no longer move in with them shortly after meeting them
I evolve. I met some persons recently one of whom got a dui. There is nothing wrong with knowing people who hurt
These days I just have tremendous boundaries. Those boundaries do not arrive like magic. For some of us they take a lifetimes work to get through
Mosr certainly the Qualifier who I stayed with for 8 years was what got me to.al anon. I most certainly.have had many many many run ins since then. I would say it is a daily issue dealing with people I can only say are #bullies# through and through.
Every day I meet people and I think #big issues ther
That is the difference I am more aware of the issues
Then there are certain people I have to barricade against
completely. The former qualifier being one of them
One of my meditation teachers says #we do not beat ourselves into loving ourselves#
Maresie
Overcome said
Dec 5, 2020
While I did not grow up in a alcoholic home; Maresie,i did grow up in a dysfunctional one. My mom and dad were very dependent on me and I was emotionally abandoned. I did not realize this growing up, but had it pointed out by a counselor. My dad especially did not know how to communicate with me and often just 'showed up' at my functions and school activities and offered very little praise. I am glad that he 'showed up' and realize that many do not even have that. Like I said, I look back on my childhood with fond memories growing up on the farm and interacting with my horses, dog, and yes even the cows and the pigs that we raised on the farm. I always related more to animals than I did humans growing up, probably due to growing up around old people that didn't engage with me much.
As far as setting boundaries go, I have learned a lot from my 4 alcoholic marriages, mostly what NOT to do! LOL Al-Anon has taught me that. I got into the program after my second alcoholic marriage failed; but I got into my 3rd relationship with the ACOA while I was yet in al-anon. I thought that because he was NOT an alcoholic that I was ok. Lo and behold his father was an alcoholic and since alcoholism is a family disease this effected me greatly. That third marriage uncovered the fact that my husband had been sexually abused by his alcoholic father after our daughter was born. I did not know this when I married him. Long story short this ended in both my in-laws and my husband (who after 5 years of trying to save the marriage, it too ended in divorce) being limited to only supervised visitation with our daughter, due to indiscretions that my ex-husband succumbed to due to his childhood abuse. I survived that relationship only because of al-anon.
My fourth marriage was to a dry drunk, with this marriage I thought because he wasn't drinking I would be ok. Not so. Living with a dry drunk was worse than living through my first two alcoholic marriages. He was controlling, manipulative, narcissistic and just plain mean. He would not allow me to go to al-anon and questioned me every time I went somewhere and would check up on me if I left, so I never felt like it was safe to leave the house. I eventually went to a safe house and left him. I returned to my al-anon meetings and relearned how to set boundaries.
Still to this day alcoholics are drawn to me and me to them, I have learned however to set boundaries and not get 'hook up' with actively drinking ones or those not in the program. Currently I'm 11 years out of my last marriage and see no reason at this time to get back into another relationship. I am enjoying being on my own and being my own person with my HP at the helm to guide me. Life has not been easy since I left the last alcoholic marriage, but it has been more manageable with al-anon.
a4l said
Dec 6, 2020
Overcome, you have had an interesting life. I appreciate reading your experiences and observations.
Debb said
Dec 11, 2020
Overcome, wishing you much luck and success with your new surroundings and job!!!
Maresie888 said
Dec 18, 2020
I think it is pretty normal to have dysfunctional relationships Look.at the world we live in
The response to COVID has been veru difficult
They are having crowded parties at the white house and some people do not even wear a mask
I do not compare my relationships anymore.
There have been friendships I have had that are like minefields.
They are really explosive. I have had several friends who totally betrayed me
I am much faster these days about saying this is not enough for me. If you do not want to reciprocate I am gone. That is a new experience for me
Being a certifiable al-anon I don't do well with change, but as we all know change is inevitable whether we like it or not. I have been through 4 alcoholic marriages (left the last one some 11 years ago) so I have been through a lot of change. Which at this venture in my life makes change all the more hard. I recently moved some 240 miles to be nearer my daughter as I needed the emotional support according to my therapist and doctor. I have been through extensive inpatient therapy due to the fallout from the alcoholic marriages. I will not go into that here, since al-anon is not a professional program, but one of attraction rather than promotion. I am attempting to find a local al-anon program as the on-line MIP does not exist anymore for all intents and purposes, accept through this message board. The chat room has been my al-anon home of choice for some 10 years, so going back to f2f (I've been in the program some 20+ years) is going to be another change, but one I hope will be for the better.
I have a lot of anxiety associated with this move and landing a new job. I have two interviews lined up, one with a vet clinic. I used to be a vet tech some 15 years ago, so I'm surprised that they are considering me, but I am grateful that they are. The other job is one in home care, which I have been doing for the last 15 years and am wanting to get out of due to the burn out that is associated with that type of care. I'd appreciate prayers in this adjustment and any e,s, and h that you might have to share with how you got through a massive change in your life.
Overcome is is great to see you back on the board and sharing your ESH with family. I missed you and you have prayers of course. Stick around and listen and learn. I relate to your share and remember my journey which contained so much hate and anger and resentment and stayed in the rooms and in the literature and with my sponsors and much more cause I didn't want to die crazy. I also had more than several alcoholic relationship which brought me to the understanding that I needed constant help which I am getting right now. Keep coming back sweety...(((hugs)))
I am so sorry about all that's been. I know that we all get here by way of the disease and it's affect on us and yet, I still get sad as I consider the pain you and we experience along our journey. My journey has always been within this disease. I was raised in it, did my own 'research', married another A and then produced 2 with the disease. I remind myself and others on a regular/daily basis that we are all miracles in progress and our past does not define us. I am calmed by trusting my HP to lead me through every life event and the reality that I was designed to be perfectly imperfect - human - and mistakes/pain/uncertainty are just part of the journey.
Please keep us posted. My hope is you get the job which is best for you! I desperately miss my F2F meetings and am not thrilled with the Zoom meetings but do attend so I stay grounded in my recovery. I have also suggested to others who've had to relocate to contact their local Al-Anon just to see what's happening during these times. (((Hugs)))
Two interviews is a lot
Sounds like you have it laid out whst you need
I have been contemplatimg a move for sometime.
Fear is normal. Not suceeding at first is normsl
You have the right attitude it is going to be difficult
I know I have already endured the worst
I know I have been through the wringer
I.feel far less afraid than I did before
I am so much more resilient
I know you will keep is posred
The MIP chat room was very very very helpful to me
I know it wss an absolute lifeline
Part of the reason I am moving is because I want to be nearer recovery sources
I think you are doing ohenomenal. I mean you are right on tracj. That is incredible!!
Lyne- yes I remember Betty (hotrod) and she was a sweet soul. She did great service work here and also in the chat room. I primarily saw her here on the message board, however. She will be greatly missed.
JerryF - my journey too has included hate,anger and resentment. This manifested itself most not when I was married to the alcoholic (although there were certainly times that it did), but when I was caring for my mom who had Alzheimer's. I was angry that people abandoned me (or so I thought), I hated people that were there for me one minute and gone the next, I resented those who did not make the choice that I had made to stay at home with my mother and went back to work instead and placed there loved one in a home. Now looking back there were not as many people that abandoned me as those that stayed the course. I now understand that those that were here one minute and gone the next were just not as strong as me and could not deal with the horrible disease and the deteriorating effects that it has on those we love. Now 5 years out from the disease and my mother's death from it, I can see that those that made the choice to place there loved ones in a home instead of choosing to stay with there loved one at home till the end may have been doing so for there own sanity (which I almost lost mine in the depths of this disease). Alzheimer's is very similar to Alcoholism in many respects and there are those alcoholics that if they stay out there long enough can suffer from dementia as well.
Reading back over my post I see a lot of similarities in the two diseases that I didn't realize as I was typing it. "I hated people that were there for me one minute and gone the next" this is true in the disease of alcoholism as it is with Alzheimer's in that people leave us as we stay in the insipid disease of Alcoholism with the alcoholic and become as sick as they are. We too can lose friends, jobs and respect of those we love for staying in the family disease of alcoholism and not in recovery. Before al-anon I resented people that set boundaries with alcoholics and did not 'stay the course' and support the alcoholic. What I didn't realize was that setting boundaries for themselves was healthy and 'staying the course' often involved enabling behaviors that were not in the alcoholics best interest, or mine. I'm not saying that some cannot stay in a relationship with an alcoholic and also pursue recovery for themselves, I have seen it done and applaud those that can stay 'detached with love' from their alcoholic while staying in the relationship, this is easier said than done however and I for one never had the fortitude to do so. (Probably the reason for the 4 alcoholic marriages and divorces) Fortunately for me, by divorce number four I was practicing the principles of al-anon and did not get myself into another alcoholic marriage. I realized that if the sparks immediately fly when I meet someone, they are probably an alcoholic as that is what I'm attracted to for some reason. IT's like I have a big neon sign on me that says 'enabler' or at least I did prior al-anon.
Just for Today I will stay on track and do the 'next right thing' when it comes to my future and the change that will in-evidently come. I will continue to go to my 12-step recovery meetings and I will continue to post on here and read posts of others (as I have been doing). I will continue my job search and not give up.
Overcome
It is very very.very normal.for those of us who grow up in i dysfunction to have dhsfunctional relationshios
In.al anon I still relate very very much to people who.are from my.background. i no longer move in with them shortly after meeting them
I evolve. I met some persons recently one of whom got a dui. There is nothing wrong with knowing people who hurt
These days I just have tremendous boundaries. Those boundaries do not arrive like magic. For some of us they take a lifetimes work to get through
Mosr certainly the Qualifier who I stayed with for 8 years was what got me to.al anon. I most certainly.have had many many many run ins since then. I would say it is a daily issue dealing with people I can only say are #bullies# through and through.
Every day I meet people and I think #big issues ther
That is the difference I am more aware of the issues
Then there are certain people I have to barricade against
completely. The former qualifier being one of them
One of my meditation teachers says #we do not beat ourselves into loving ourselves#
Maresie
While I did not grow up in a alcoholic home; Maresie,i did grow up in a dysfunctional one. My mom and dad were very dependent on me and I was emotionally abandoned. I did not realize this growing up, but had it pointed out by a counselor. My dad especially did not know how to communicate with me and often just 'showed up' at my functions and school activities and offered very little praise. I am glad that he 'showed up' and realize that many do not even have that. Like I said, I look back on my childhood with fond memories growing up on the farm and interacting with my horses, dog, and yes even the cows and the pigs that we raised on the farm. I always related more to animals than I did humans growing up, probably due to growing up around old people that didn't engage with me much.
As far as setting boundaries go, I have learned a lot from my 4 alcoholic marriages, mostly what NOT to do! LOL Al-Anon has taught me that. I got into the program after my second alcoholic marriage failed; but I got into my 3rd relationship with the ACOA while I was yet in al-anon. I thought that because he was NOT an alcoholic that I was ok. Lo and behold his father was an alcoholic and since alcoholism is a family disease this effected me greatly. That third marriage uncovered the fact that my husband had been sexually abused by his alcoholic father after our daughter was born. I did not know this when I married him. Long story short this ended in both my in-laws and my husband (who after 5 years of trying to save the marriage, it too ended in divorce) being limited to only supervised visitation with our daughter, due to indiscretions that my ex-husband succumbed to due to his childhood abuse. I survived that relationship only because of al-anon.
My fourth marriage was to a dry drunk, with this marriage I thought because he wasn't drinking I would be ok. Not so. Living with a dry drunk was worse than living through my first two alcoholic marriages. He was controlling, manipulative, narcissistic and just plain mean. He would not allow me to go to al-anon and questioned me every time I went somewhere and would check up on me if I left, so I never felt like it was safe to leave the house. I eventually went to a safe house and left him. I returned to my al-anon meetings and relearned how to set boundaries.
Still to this day alcoholics are drawn to me and me to them, I have learned however to set boundaries and not get 'hook up' with actively drinking ones or those not in the program. Currently I'm 11 years out of my last marriage and see no reason at this time to get back into another relationship. I am enjoying being on my own and being my own person with my HP at the helm to guide me. Life has not been easy since I left the last alcoholic marriage, but it has been more manageable with al-anon.
Look.at the world we live in
The response to COVID has been veru difficult
They are having crowded parties at the white house and some people do not even wear a mask
I do not compare my relationships anymore.
There have been friendships I have had that are like minefields.
They are really explosive. I have had several friends who totally betrayed me
I am much faster these days about saying this is not enough for me. If you do not want to reciprocate I am gone. That is a new experience for me
Very very new
Maresie