One night at an FTF al-anon meeting someone said a 'warning sign' of doing too much for others was the feeling of resentment. I sort of stored that thought into the back of my brain until recently when I began to feel overwhelming resentment.
I live with my BF in a house that I bought before I met him. I have a sales job and the pandemic has actually been good for business because we sell something that has been in high demand. He lost his job in March. I paid for him to take an online course through the local college so he can change careers. The course ended at the beginning of September. Now he has to take/pass a state test to get certified. (This kind of job requires the state certificate to be hired)
He received both stimulus checks and weekly unemployment checks and was able to close his 401K account without penalty. His only monthly bills are a car payment and his cell phone. I know things are tough and I am so lucky things are OK for me financially right now. And I know I am about to sound like a big brat but my resentment is stemming from the fact he makes no contribution to the household or grocery bills. I would like to think I would have no problem with paying for 100% of the bills if it wasn't for the fact that he has continued to spend money on his hobbies. He collects expensive models for a tabletop game and I would guesstimate that he spends a couple of hundred dollars a month on this. One night I came home from work and he was wearing fancy new headphones as he played an online game. In the last few months I have told him (maybe 2 or 3 times) how I feel disrespected by this. Maybe I did not express myself in a way that got through to him? His answer is that he is ashamed to be 'in this position' but I do not see him making an attempt to help around the home or ready himself for the test. And then another model arrived in mail over the weekend. I do not even want to think about what is delivered while I am at work during the week.
I registered with this support page several years ago when I was struggling to end a relationship with an alcoholic who was diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder. My alcoholic exbf was chronically unemployed and relied on me to support him. Back then I felt like a cash cow but when I tried to voice my feelings he would tell me that is what couples do for each other. The thing is, I have never counted on or expected any one to support me so it felt like I was a being a bad 'partner'. Since that break-up in 2014 I thought I had worked hard to establish a healthier set of boundaries. I guess not.
DavidG said
Nov 17, 2020
I hear you SD Mommy...
I earn 1/3 the wages of my partner... that is just how it is...
In AA- emotional sobriety- and in Alanon emotional intimacy are the same thing, really.
The capacity to create and build trust. Impossible if drinking or doping is in the equation.
Not something people like me were able to identify. Had to create boundaries and values.
I always wanted- desperately- to demonstrate healthy family values- as i was fortunate to
have family. This is a tough road. Not actually having anything to pass on- initially.
Putting it out there is a start... being in and around a healthy, robust Alanon group is a great asset. ...
Salome said
Nov 17, 2020
SDM,
I can so relate to the feelings you are sharing here. I was married to an active A. We divorced in 2010. He has chosen to not be a part of our children's lives since that time.
I met someone and we got married in 2018. My husband is not an alcoholic or a drug addict, but I see some of the same behaviors that my ex showed. Especially in how he treats me and talks to me. I believe he wasn't like this when we were dating and things changed once the ink was dry on the marriage certificate. All the old feelings of loneliness, walking on eggshells, and constant confusion are there. I don't know how I ended back here.
Anyway, I work two jobs and still come home to clean. My husband does cook and cooks for me. While I appreciate it. I would am resentful of everything I feel I have to do because it won't get done if I won't. For example, I bought a new alarm clock. I was sleeping through the alarm on my phone. Well, when I set it, I set the alarm to go off at the wrong time. It went off while I was downstairs baking something. My husband cooks but doesn't bake. He is upstairs in our room and calls me while I am downstairs. He can't figure out how to get the alarm to shut off. He found the snooze button, but every 9 minutes it was going off. I run upstairs just as it is going off again and unplug the clock. I started to cry. In that moment I was so angry that he couldn't/wouldn't even do that. He expected me to fix it.
This is why I came back. I need this place. I need a safe place to talk about how I feel and I need the ESH from all of you.
We are here for you. Keep coming back.
Yours in recovery,
JerryF said
Nov 17, 2020
This is reminding me of early lessons from within recovery where my sponsor had me working on two inventories; the first one was "what is or was your part in it", the problem and the second was, "what are you going to do about it given your expectations". I loved the lessons because we had great results working problems out together and I could determine how I wanted things to turn out and what I had to do to get there. No the other persons didn't always like it and then lots of time they would and could come up with good solutions themselves. I believe that this was mentioned in our daily readers in the past few days.
I didn't always like or appreciate the solutions I came up with to the questions but I do love this program. Thanks for the post. ((((hugs))))
Skorpi said
Nov 18, 2020
Thanks for this post. This is something I struggle with pretty much all the time. And, I turn to the program to help me sort out my feelings of resentment.
Before my AW most recently became sober, she was not working. I was paying all the bills, doing all the household chores (inside and out) and she was sitting on the sofa drinking.
When she most recently became sober, she was working, and not living with me.
When I allowed her to move back in, I told her I wanted her money to go toward paying her court bills and fines, and I expected that she would take care of the litter pans and help with the cleaning in the main living space.
A year and a half later, I was feeling resentment about how she was spending her money (not paying the fines and fees) and that she was not contributing. I gave her a 3 month warning, and told her that I expected a certain amount of money from her every payday starting on a specific date to help pay household bills. (She doesn't always follow-through with that, but when she doesn't, we have a conversation about what went wrong, and make a plan to ensure that she does give me her contribution the next pay cycle.) I still pay the vast majority of the bills, but I make more than she does, and I'd be dealing with the bills just the same if I lived alone.
Off and on, I have also felt resentment about the lack of help with household chores. She will make a commitment to doing something, but will not follow-through. This is especially disturbing when the litter boxes get full to the point that I'm finding cat pee in non-litter-box areas of the house on a daily basis. I am still the one to do all the household chores, indoors and out, 98% of the time. My multiple conversations with her about this have just resulted in promises made, and no follow-through. I've decided to lean into the program to let go of my resentment about this. If I lived alone, I'd be doing everything myself. I remind myself of that when I start to feel resentment creeping in. I am the one who wants a clean house, cut grass, and functional cars. I would want those things with or without my wife, and so I turn my attention to doing the things that will make me most at peace, the things that follow my priority list, and I am learning to be more patient with myself and deciding to let things go sometimes so I can take a break.
I'm not saying my approach is the right one, but it is the one I've settled on for today. I might try something different tomorrow, and I am thankful to the program for giving me the opportunity to change my mind and try something new and different whenever I want.
Thanks again for this important post and the shares. So glad to be able to think through this topic today!
One night at an FTF al-anon meeting someone said a 'warning sign' of doing too much for others was the feeling of resentment. I sort of stored that thought into the back of my brain until recently when I began to feel overwhelming resentment.
I live with my BF in a house that I bought before I met him. I have a sales job and the pandemic has actually been good for business because we sell something that has been in high demand. He lost his job in March. I paid for him to take an online course through the local college so he can change careers. The course ended at the beginning of September. Now he has to take/pass a state test to get certified. (This kind of job requires the state certificate to be hired)
He received both stimulus checks and weekly unemployment checks and was able to close his 401K account without penalty. His only monthly bills are a car payment and his cell phone. I know things are tough and I am so lucky things are OK for me financially right now. And I know I am about to sound like a big brat but my resentment is stemming from the fact he makes no contribution to the household or grocery bills. I would like to think I would have no problem with paying for 100% of the bills if it wasn't for the fact that he has continued to spend money on his hobbies. He collects expensive models for a tabletop game and I would guesstimate that he spends a couple of hundred dollars a month on this. One night I came home from work and he was wearing fancy new headphones as he played an online game. In the last few months I have told him (maybe 2 or 3 times) how I feel disrespected by this. Maybe I did not express myself in a way that got through to him? His answer is that he is ashamed to be 'in this position' but I do not see him making an attempt to help around the home or ready himself for the test. And then another model arrived in mail over the weekend. I do not even want to think about what is delivered while I am at work during the week.
I registered with this support page several years ago when I was struggling to end a relationship with an alcoholic who was diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder. My alcoholic exbf was chronically unemployed and relied on me to support him. Back then I felt like a cash cow but when I tried to voice my feelings he would tell me that is what couples do for each other. The thing is, I have never counted on or expected any one to support me so it felt like I was a being a bad 'partner'. Since that break-up in 2014 I thought I had worked hard to establish a healthier set of boundaries. I guess not.
I hear you SD Mommy...
I earn 1/3 the wages of my partner... that is just how it is...
In AA- emotional sobriety- and in Alanon emotional intimacy are the same thing, really.
The capacity to create and build trust. Impossible if drinking or doping is in the equation.
Not something people like me were able to identify. Had to create boundaries and values.
I always wanted- desperately- to demonstrate healthy family values- as i was fortunate to
have family. This is a tough road. Not actually having anything to pass on- initially.
Putting it out there is a start... being in and around a healthy, robust Alanon group is a great asset.
...
SDM,
I can so relate to the feelings you are sharing here. I was married to an active A. We divorced in 2010. He has chosen to not be a part of our children's lives since that time.
I met someone and we got married in 2018. My husband is not an alcoholic or a drug addict, but I see some of the same behaviors that my ex showed. Especially in how he treats me and talks to me. I believe he wasn't like this when we were dating and things changed once the ink was dry on the marriage certificate. All the old feelings of loneliness, walking on eggshells, and constant confusion are there. I don't know how I ended back here.
Anyway, I work two jobs and still come home to clean. My husband does cook and cooks for me. While I appreciate it. I would am resentful of everything I feel I have to do because it won't get done if I won't. For example, I bought a new alarm clock. I was sleeping through the alarm on my phone. Well, when I set it, I set the alarm to go off at the wrong time. It went off while I was downstairs baking something. My husband cooks but doesn't bake. He is upstairs in our room and calls me while I am downstairs. He can't figure out how to get the alarm to shut off. He found the snooze button, but every 9 minutes it was going off. I run upstairs just as it is going off again and unplug the clock. I started to cry. In that moment I was so angry that he couldn't/wouldn't even do that. He expected me to fix it.
This is why I came back. I need this place. I need a safe place to talk about how I feel and I need the ESH from all of you.
We are here for you. Keep coming back.
Yours in recovery,
This is reminding me of early lessons from within recovery where my sponsor had me working on two inventories; the first one was "what is or was your part in it", the problem and the second was, "what are you going to do about it given your expectations". I loved the lessons because we had great results working problems out together and I could determine how I wanted things to turn out and what I had to do to get there. No the other persons didn't always like it and then lots of time they would and could come up with good solutions themselves. I believe that this was mentioned in our daily readers in the past few days.
I didn't always like or appreciate the solutions I came up with to the questions but I do love this program. Thanks for the post. ((((hugs))))
Before my AW most recently became sober, she was not working. I was paying all the bills, doing all the household chores (inside and out) and she was sitting on the sofa drinking.
When she most recently became sober, she was working, and not living with me.
When I allowed her to move back in, I told her I wanted her money to go toward paying her court bills and fines, and I expected that she would take care of the litter pans and help with the cleaning in the main living space.
A year and a half later, I was feeling resentment about how she was spending her money (not paying the fines and fees) and that she was not contributing. I gave her a 3 month warning, and told her that I expected a certain amount of money from her every payday starting on a specific date to help pay household bills. (She doesn't always follow-through with that, but when she doesn't, we have a conversation about what went wrong, and make a plan to ensure that she does give me her contribution the next pay cycle.) I still pay the vast majority of the bills, but I make more than she does, and I'd be dealing with the bills just the same if I lived alone.
Off and on, I have also felt resentment about the lack of help with household chores. She will make a commitment to doing something, but will not follow-through. This is especially disturbing when the litter boxes get full to the point that I'm finding cat pee in non-litter-box areas of the house on a daily basis. I am still the one to do all the household chores, indoors and out, 98% of the time. My multiple conversations with her about this have just resulted in promises made, and no follow-through. I've decided to lean into the program to let go of my resentment about this. If I lived alone, I'd be doing everything myself. I remind myself of that when I start to feel resentment creeping in. I am the one who wants a clean house, cut grass, and functional cars. I would want those things with or without my wife, and so I turn my attention to doing the things that will make me most at peace, the things that follow my priority list, and I am learning to be more patient with myself and deciding to let things go sometimes so I can take a break.
I'm not saying my approach is the right one, but it is the one I've settled on for today. I might try something different tomorrow, and I am thankful to the program for giving me the opportunity to change my mind and try something new and different whenever I want.
Thanks again for this important post and the shares. So glad to be able to think through this topic today!