Sometimes I feel like my Al Anon journey is like driving down a bumpy, twisting and turning road, with many of the directional signs point the wrong direction, and me trying to "remember" what the map looked like. Maybe my latest "Ah ha!" moment can help someone else preserve their sanity.
My younger son has been sober now for a few years - no AA program, he's just using his extremely strong-willed nature to stay away from alcohol, so far, for him, he's been alcohol free for a few years now - not what I would have suggested, but it's working for him, so good for him.
A week or so ago I hadn't heard from him for a while and my mind started spinning stories for me about what was going on in his life that - even though I had no information to form any ideas about what was going on with him - LOL, I suspect that for many of us, that's, unfortunately, normal.
After about a week or so I connected with him and it turns out that he had been fired from a job he recently started - long story, but it wasn't his fault from what I can tell. He recognized it for a less-than-optimal situation from him, quickly put it behind him and moved on, and focused on his path forward, without any real frustration or anxiety or "this is the end of the world" thinking - he formulated a plan and started working his plan.
I was proud of him for how he handled this setback much better and far differently than other setbacks when he was drinking and in the earlier stages of sobriety. Stuff like this with him used to result in two or three days in bed avoiding the problem, and more often than not some kind of self-medication with alcohol. I was proud of him for the way he handled it, and happy for me that I wasn't drawn into the drama, because there really wasn't any drama.
The "ah ha!" moment for me was, again, I was taught by my Higher Power that when I DO NOT know what's going on, I really have no reason at all to start spinning disaster stories in my head. Sure, for me "I just don't know what's going on" is tough to deal with, but it's far less difficult to deal with than thinking that he's gonna start using and drinking again and his life will be terrible, without any basis in fact.
Maybe not a huge step, but with this stuff, I'll take any progress at all - LOL, feel free to learn from my mistakes.
DavidG said
Nov 14, 2020
Insight, Joe...
sometimes I thinkI have this extra arm- sticking out from between my shoulder blades- where I can reach out and get peer support. It isn't a miracle cure, though i wish I had one.
I might have had son issues. He bunkered up over lock-down. Left a good job.
We try to keep in touch- so we show the family flag, one. And also are up to date with events- two.
I think I have avoided direct interference, that blighted my family life.
And at the same time had some power and influence- for the better. I hope so.
PosiesandPuppies said
Nov 14, 2020
"Feel free to learn from my mistakes." Isn't that was ESH is all about? Thank you for sharing... it is personal, and it shows not the "perfect" mindset creeping in. BUT, it also showed your growth!!! You said it seemed tiny, but I bet it FEELS huge... to be able to stop catastrophizing.
I would do this a lot. 1) because I have always felt it would be better to be prepared for the worst... a kind of "gird my loins" type of thing. But also, 2) I just KNOW what will happen! I LOL at that now!! OH, how my Ego talked!! How could I really KNOW? The reality is no one does. Well, maybe your HP.
I am learning how to live each day as it comes, while also being prepared -like any responsible adult would do (savings, safety net, retirement - that kind of stuff). I find it challenging to do both. I want to double-down on one or the other... but that isn't healthy for me.
I love that Al-Anon has helped me recognize this and deal with it. I also love when I receive ESH that speaks directly to me... Thank you Texas!!
&
Iamhere said
Nov 14, 2020
Good to see you TY - love Aha moments.....It's easy for me/my mind to begin projecting and for the life of me, I wish it wasn't negative/rabbit hole projection. I have also improved but have more room for growth. How wonderful that your son took adult action, didn't get held back/down and is moving forward. What a gift when they keep moving forward, in spite of 'life' happening.
My youngest recently lost his job. He suggests it wasn't his fault; I don't know what is/is not the truth. He's in a relapse, so he is doing what he does - which is pulling back and isolating. He did find a new job and has moved to a nearby city for cheaper rent. I am just glad that he's also moving forward and pray for that to continue.
I do believe that even if my boys weren't affected by this disease, I would worry. Perhaps a different way and a different level yet it's part of the job description. What's different for me is is I can easily go from a worried thought to an obsession and that's when I am grateful for our program that allows us to pause and regroup. I remember Betty always suggesting she's be a lifelong member of Al-Anon, ever growing and changing and in need of our program/tools. I so, so agree!
Keep doing what works for you. Glad to hear all is well and always a pleasure to see you TY!
Sometimes I feel like my Al Anon journey is like driving down a bumpy, twisting and turning road, with many of the directional signs point the wrong direction, and me trying to "remember" what the map looked like. Maybe my latest "Ah ha!" moment can help someone else preserve their sanity.
My younger son has been sober now for a few years - no AA program, he's just using his extremely strong-willed nature to stay away from alcohol, so far, for him, he's been alcohol free for a few years now - not what I would have suggested, but it's working for him, so good for him.
A week or so ago I hadn't heard from him for a while and my mind started spinning stories for me about what was going on in his life that - even though I had no information to form any ideas about what was going on with him - LOL, I suspect that for many of us, that's, unfortunately, normal.
After about a week or so I connected with him and it turns out that he had been fired from a job he recently started - long story, but it wasn't his fault from what I can tell. He recognized it for a less-than-optimal situation from him, quickly put it behind him and moved on, and focused on his path forward, without any real frustration or anxiety or "this is the end of the world" thinking - he formulated a plan and started working his plan.
I was proud of him for how he handled this setback much better and far differently than other setbacks when he was drinking and in the earlier stages of sobriety. Stuff like this with him used to result in two or three days in bed avoiding the problem, and more often than not some kind of self-medication with alcohol. I was proud of him for the way he handled it, and happy for me that I wasn't drawn into the drama, because there really wasn't any drama.
The "ah ha!" moment for me was, again, I was taught by my Higher Power that when I DO NOT know what's going on, I really have no reason at all to start spinning disaster stories in my head. Sure, for me "I just don't know what's going on" is tough to deal with, but it's far less difficult to deal with than thinking that he's gonna start using and drinking again and his life will be terrible, without any basis in fact.
Maybe not a huge step, but with this stuff, I'll take any progress at all - LOL, feel free to learn from my mistakes.
sometimes I thinkI have this extra arm- sticking out from between my shoulder blades- where I can reach out and get peer support. It isn't a miracle cure, though i wish I had one.
I might have had son issues. He bunkered up over lock-down. Left a good job.
We try to keep in touch- so we show the family flag, one. And also are up to date with events- two.
I think I have avoided direct interference, that blighted my family life.
And at the same time had some power and influence- for the better. I hope so.
"Feel free to learn from my mistakes."
OH, how my Ego talked!! How could I really KNOW? The reality is no one does. Well, maybe your HP.
& 
Isn't that was ESH is all about? Thank you for sharing... it is personal, and it shows not the "perfect" mindset creeping in. BUT, it also showed your growth!!! You said it seemed tiny, but I bet it FEELS huge... to be able to stop catastrophizing.
I would do this a lot. 1) because I have always felt it would be better to be prepared for the worst... a kind of "gird my loins" type of thing. But also, 2) I just KNOW what will happen! I LOL at that now!!
I am learning how to live each day as it comes, while also being prepared -like any responsible adult would do (savings, safety net, retirement - that kind of stuff). I find it challenging to do both. I want to double-down on one or the other... but that isn't healthy for me.
I love that Al-Anon has helped me recognize this and deal with it. I also love when I receive ESH that speaks directly to me... Thank you Texas!!
My youngest recently lost his job. He suggests it wasn't his fault; I don't know what is/is not the truth. He's in a relapse, so he is doing what he does - which is pulling back and isolating. He did find a new job and has moved to a nearby city for cheaper rent. I am just glad that he's also moving forward and pray for that to continue.
I do believe that even if my boys weren't affected by this disease, I would worry. Perhaps a different way and a different level yet it's part of the job description. What's different for me is is I can easily go from a worried thought to an obsession and that's when I am grateful for our program that allows us to pause and regroup. I remember Betty always suggesting she's be a lifelong member of Al-Anon, ever growing and changing and in need of our program/tools. I so, so agree!
Keep doing what works for you. Glad to hear all is well and always a pleasure to see you TY!