I'm in a depression. I will go see a doctor this coming week. I know the signs: constant feeling of sadness, not eating, lack of concentration and for me, I just go into shutdown mode where I function to the bare minimum required and basically stay in bed or on the couch reading garbage that serves me no purpose. I try to break isolation by seeing friends. I do feel like I'm way more present in the moments where I'm with my kids, like even though I'm miserable, they really are the loves of my life and connecting with them with no end result in mind is nice. So weirdly, I'm both broken yet better at the same time. I realise that for the duration of my situationship ( I'm still a romantic, I can't call it a marriage because to me at least that requires two present contributing people; erego we had a situationship which just happened to include a wedding early on), I was in the early stages hardly present emotionally for my darlings. I overcompensated this by educating them and structuring them always thinking like a hustler. What skills do they need to get to this social standing? What skills do they need to gain advantages in life? But no patient reassuring nurturing. Fall off your bike? Well thats part of it, now get back on and stop crying, this is our valuable time your taking up with that snivelling. They're awesome kids but gee, it's lovely to just hang out and listen to them lately without being distracted by the situationship cloud. That cloud was either filled with false hope of resting one day or the weight of micro managing finances with a broken arm. Alcoholics and money. What a disaster. I think I stayed married for financial reasons. That saying, marry for money and you'll earn it with overtime. I didn't marry for money but financial security sure bought off a lot of awful occurrences. It's nice to be free. I'm scared and a hell of a lot poorer financially right now, but I'm free. I've just now appreciated that. Well thats my Sunday ramble. Xx
DavidG said
Nov 8, 2020
Sorry to see you so sad, A41... ...
a4l said
Nov 8, 2020
And in the later stages, I think I went into impression management mode. Of course everyone in our alanon family knows what impression management mode looks like. It's amazing how easily I slipped out of consciousness about what I was doing. And I do think we can successfully stay unconscious and keep hitting those external goals. There's a heap of encouragement socially to do just that, die a little bit more inside every day, but acquire acquire acquire on the outside. Wow! I'm so glad I'm myself again almost. Happiness is an inside job. I think I'll start a daily list to rediscover what makes me happy.
a4l said
Nov 8, 2020
I'm OK David G. I tend to write myself out of sadness which is why I'm here I'm OK.
DavidG said
Nov 8, 2020
A41...
JerryF said
Nov 8, 2020
You do have spirit A4l and that is what it takes so often to find and stay with peace of mind and serenity. I read that in your post; your response paints a picture for me that I use to like when I was back there. I use to wonder "How do they do it? How do they go thru all of he crap and still come out the other side intact and smiling?" In order to come to an understanding I use to ask them how they did it and then Listen, Listen, Listen to their responses much like what you have given here. Again THANKS...I'M NEEDY IN THE MOMENT. (((Hugs)))
Maresie888 said
Nov 8, 2020
One of the hallmarks of depression is self reproach
It is oretty hard to get through when we are so deeply critical of ourselves
I have that part the inner critic who I am now trying to make friends with. That oart definitely kept me alive but it also kept me imprisoned
Certainly anyone in a relationship with an alcoholic on any level is up.against it. What a wall to get through
I think to make it out of this journey it is like climbing Mount Everest. The journey up is really arduous.
Then we get to the top and only then do we get a vision of where we can go
I have been on this journey through many major depressions for a long time. There are many flavors to depression. I got very depressed this year dealing with terrible problems.
I found my way out of it. I have always found my way out of it
I know you are incredibly resilient and resourceful .
This time of year uaed to be the time I dreaded
Now it is not. I never thought that would be.possible
I am glad you are here and reaching out
Maresie
PosiesandPuppies said
Nov 9, 2020
(((((A41)))))
Your "ramble" was actually an interesting read for me this morning. I liked hearing how you are working through it.
Last week was emotionally rough for me... cried every evening on my way home from work. I bawled my eyes out learning of Alex Trebek's passing yesterday(although I knew it was inevitable).
I think I am in a biophysical "low-phase" right now. Things I have already mourned are coming back, and new pains are triggering sadness in me. Your post helped me to see things differently. Thank you for sharing.
Today is a new day... this week is a new week... I am stronger than I look... perhaps even stronger than I know!
&
Iamhere said
Nov 9, 2020
(((a4l))) - ramble, write, process away!!! Speaking for myself, when I can 'dump' what's going on in my mind in black/white, it just seems to help me process and work some of it out. I applaud you for being honest about where you are, what you see and what you plan to do. I am sending you tons of positive energy, thoughts and prayers that today is a better day and each day brings you some level of joy until you feel more 'centered' and 'restored'. Keep coming back & keep posting!
a4l said
Nov 12, 2020
I made it to the doctors today. We make do with what we have here on the island. I actually saw two. Private doctors because our public system does my head in: when i feel bad enough to go to the drs, I don't want to have to co dependently be excessively concerned to be compassionate with the supposed professionals. I liked both the drs I saw they were lovely. The first one gave me emergency sleeping pills which I shan't take. I'm wary of medications of the mind altering variety because in truth I'm highly sensitive to all chemicals; and not sure if the side effects are worth the benefit. I am so bad at asking for help. I never know what a normal person would do in my situation! I needed a medical certificate for uni and of course when English and also our western nuances of exchange are secondary language and custom for the doctor it's hard to ask for what you need. Maybe it's just hard period. Anyway I liked the first one very much, he was a lovely old soul. But I knew I'd need a more clinical assessment so I went to another female doctor. I felt better able to explain my situation and she is not a fan of medicating first which was a releif to me. I'm glad I did it even though it was very very uncomfortable for me. It felt like a step towards getting back on with life.
DavidG said
Nov 12, 2020
Nice ramble A41... my doctor is one of those avuncular ones. My age too, these days... ...he give me a good job every winter pruning his apricot orchard. At age 17 I was put on meds and had a horrific experience. It put me off for life. For any other ailment, though, I do follow doctor's orders. I realised quickly that street drugs were an even worse option. As a kid I believed that the adults in my world were drinking poison- because I observed the after effects of drinking.
It takes a village to raise a child- an old truism. But is must apply to us as well- throughout life. To have and maintain connection in all directions, if possible... ...
I'm in a depression. I will go see a doctor this coming week. I know the signs: constant feeling of sadness, not eating, lack of concentration and for me, I just go into shutdown mode where I function to the bare minimum required and basically stay in bed or on the couch reading garbage that serves me no purpose. I try to break isolation by seeing friends. I do feel like I'm way more present in the moments where I'm with my kids, like even though I'm miserable, they really are the loves of my life and connecting with them with no end result in mind is nice. So weirdly, I'm both broken yet better at the same time. I realise that for the duration of my situationship ( I'm still a romantic, I can't call it a marriage because to me at least that requires two present contributing people; erego we had a situationship which just happened to include a wedding early on), I was in the early stages hardly present emotionally for my darlings. I overcompensated this by educating them and structuring them always thinking like a hustler. What skills do they need to get to this social standing? What skills do they need to gain advantages in life? But no patient reassuring nurturing. Fall off your bike? Well thats part of it, now get back on and stop crying, this is our valuable time your taking up with that snivelling. They're awesome kids but gee, it's lovely to just hang out and listen to them lately without being distracted by the situationship cloud. That cloud was either filled with false hope of resting one day or the weight of micro managing finances with a broken arm. Alcoholics and money. What a disaster. I think I stayed married for financial reasons. That saying, marry for money and you'll earn it with overtime. I didn't marry for money but financial security sure bought off a lot of awful occurrences. It's nice to be free. I'm scared and a hell of a lot poorer financially right now, but I'm free.
I've just now appreciated that. Well thats my Sunday ramble. Xx
I'm OK David G. I tend to write myself out of sadness which is why I'm here
I'm OK.
You do have spirit A4l and that is what it takes so often to find and stay with peace of mind and serenity. I read that in your post; your response paints a picture for me that I use to like when I was back there. I use to wonder "How do they do it? How do they go thru all of he crap and still come out the other side intact and smiling?" In order to come to an understanding I use to ask them how they did it and then Listen, Listen, Listen to their responses much like what you have given here. Again THANKS...I'M NEEDY IN THE MOMENT. (((Hugs)))
One of the hallmarks of depression is self reproach
It is oretty hard to get through when we are so deeply critical of ourselves
I have that part the inner critic who I am now trying to make friends with. That oart definitely kept me alive but it also kept me imprisoned
Certainly anyone in a relationship with an alcoholic on any level is up.against it. What a wall to get through
I think to make it out of this journey it is like climbing Mount Everest. The journey up is really arduous.
Then we get to the top and only then do we get a vision of where we can go
I have been on this journey through many major depressions for a long time. There are many flavors to depression. I got very depressed this year dealing with terrible problems.
I found my way out of it. I have always found my way out of it
I know you are incredibly resilient and resourceful .
This time of year uaed to be the time I dreaded
Now it is not. I never thought that would be.possible
I am glad you are here and reaching out
Maresie
Your "ramble" was actually an interesting read for me this morning. I liked hearing how you are working through it.
Last week was emotionally rough for me... cried every evening on my way home from work. I bawled my eyes out learning of Alex Trebek's passing yesterday(although I knew it was inevitable).
I think I am in a biophysical "low-phase" right now. Things I have already mourned are coming back, and new pains are triggering sadness in me. Your post helped me to see things differently. Thank you for sharing.
Today is a new day... this week is a new week... I am stronger than I look... perhaps even stronger than I know!
It takes a village to raise a child- an old truism. But is must apply to us as well- throughout life. To have and maintain connection in all directions, if possible...
...