Welp - between retirement, pandemic, nice weather and this darn election - Just now realized it's Thursday - which means my day for the daily. My apologies to all - better late than never.
Our reading for today starts with the thought - Sometimes what I do is less important than why I do it. An example is provided explaining that if we speak up for ourselves when we are bothers, our motives can and will influence what we say and how we say it. If our motive examination suggests it's the right thing to do for us, the focus is on us vs. how another reacts to our message.
If instead we speak out in order to manipulate or change another, their reaction instead becomes the focus of our attention as well as the measure by which we evaluate the results. The reading suggests that while the words may be the same, we typically find the results more favorable when we keep that focus on ourselves.
Reminder: Today, instead of aiming only for the results, I will consider taking actions because they seem to be the right actions for me.
Quote: "Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree." -- Martin Luther
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I could write novels on motives as well as on the subtle manipulation tactics of 'me' BR (Before Recovery). Let's just summarize simply by stating I had no idea how to be me, a stand-alone person, with needs separate from the many roles of my life - wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, cousin, etc. I honestly had never paused long enough to consider my motives, yet learned through step work that most were unhealthy. With the best of intentions and valid concerns, I was continually trying to change others to be what I thought that should/needed to be and it just did not go well.
Recovery has given me a kind, gentle, calm voice (not how I expressed before) which can better say what I mean, mean what I say and not have to be mean, loud, heard, etc. I have learned that JADE is unhealthy for me, esp. with active addiction, but even broader than that. I like/love me enough today to be able to advocate for myself with pure motives, and not concern myself with how another receives my message, so long as I'm cool, calm and collected. This is so not my natural state, so that favorite tool of mine - Pause to Pray before I Proceed - golden!!
I hope everyone had a great day. I golfed and then cooked dinner, desert and was just watching TV. That's when it hit me that it was Thursday!! Love and light to all - find and keep your joy MIP family...
Maresie888 said
Nov 5, 2020
Thank you so much for your service(IAH)
Gratitude is iindeed very much.part of.my recovery journey
Today I told one of.my.friends all my probkems are good problems. Last year i was in the.middle of.my norml holiday meltdown into #poor me#
Now I am in a whole other place. Never in my.wildest dreams would I have considered I would refer to my problems as manageable. I am so thrilled to have made this paradigm shift.
Thank you all for bearing with me through this very difficult year. I do indeed have a very different attitude today
I have been workimg double time not to linger in #lpoor me#
I have also been wotking overtime and what do you know my.employer (who is needless to.say mad at me) has held onto.my.paycheck
This is not my first rodeo with that scenario
Normally that would be another spoke in the poor me saga
Last time the person did that I did not get the pay check for weeks. Working 7.days a week at 2 jobs has some advantages one being that of course I.have money in the bank
The other being that if someone wants to be a jerk (my.former roommate is still a huge jerk!!) They no longer have the power to ruin my.day. i have choices about it
Serious good choices rather than poor me choices
Glad to be here in a pandemic, in a contentious election, broke but not broken, working way too many hours but that will not be for ever
My plare is full and I have enough to.deal wuth but I am no longer on overwhelm. What a gift. What time to treasiure and how optimistic I am about today and the future
Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Thursday 5th of November 2020 11:33:59 PM
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Friday 6th of November 2020 07:33:41 AM
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Friday 6th of November 2020 07:34:43 AM
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Friday 6th of November 2020 07:36:24 AM
DavidG said
Nov 5, 2020
Thanks IAm, and Hi Maresie... ...
Over the last year or more I have realised that people hear me and read me. And take an intelligent interest in what I say.
I realised this in a way- that this did not happen in other parts of my life.
Was a time I had little control over what came out of my mouth. I say this often, because t was true- I used to gatecrash conversations- and hope for the best! ...
...being in a static group like this is a great help. I have learned to "look before I leap" in the conversation department.
I am grateful for this opportunity to share.
I would drive across a crowded city, on the right hand side of the road, to get to a meeting like this.
And to share.
~Think~ is one of our sixteen slogans. Pure simplicity.
People have been here before us and shown us the way. We are all a part of this process.. ...
Thanks again... ...
Maresie888 said
Nov 6, 2020
David
As a child I had no one to soothe or comfort me. I started crying non stop. I cried for days. I croed so much. I got sties on my eyes. They were red and sore. I was talen to the eye doctor. No one ever asked me why I could not stop crying. i went to school like that. They did not say anything either
I am so sorry you were emotionally neglected. I am sorry there was no one there for you. Despite this incredibly traumatic upbringing you are able to be so compassionate to others
What a phenomenal
achievement that is.
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Friday 6th of November 2020 07:41:23 AM
Lyne said
Nov 6, 2020
Thanks IAH for your service and all above shares. I guess what everyone is talking about is how to have an authentic self, and not be a doormat or a bully. Hah--easier said that done. Program has helped me come a long way with being real and not being a pushover. I have developed a self I can respect and even love at times. Grateful member.
PosiesandPuppies said
Nov 6, 2020
Thank you Iamhere for your service. I consider myself lucky to have a double dose today, Friday!!
The longer I participate in Al-Anon, the more I see that most things I did had a motive behind them. I was so worried about how people perceived me... so worried if they liked me, that my decisions weren't always based on "What is good for me." In regards to my marriage and eventual role of mother, I can now see that I worked so hard at not being the stereotypical "nagging wife" that I developed sneaky behaviors to eventually get the people I loved to do the things I wanted them to do. Oh, you could argue that what I wanted was "normal," or healthy, but the point was that I manipulated others and devalued myself to attain behaviors that I deemed important. I was not authentic.
OF course, I didn't stay in this space. I am happy to say since my kid was 9, (and my first foray into Al-Anon) I tried hard at being a different kind of mother - that ended up being 11 better formative years for my kid - and continues to this day. I wasn't as successful as a marriage partner b/c I didn't want to accept my life/marriage/partner exactly as it was, and I was fighting it tooth and nail. Hindsight is 20/20 I guess.
David - I find your shares unique. Some of your earlier history is truly sad. Like Maresie, I am impressed with the person you have become and now share with others!
Maresie - I have been able to see the real shift in thought for you this year through your shares. Sometimes, with the little I know of your challenges, I say to myself, "Boy, that girl is strong!"
Thank you all for such wonderful ESH on this topic! &
Welp - between retirement, pandemic, nice weather and this darn election - Just now realized it's Thursday - which means my day for the daily. My apologies to all - better late than never.
Our reading for today starts with the thought - Sometimes what I do is less important than why I do it. An example is provided explaining that if we speak up for ourselves when we are bothers, our motives can and will influence what we say and how we say it. If our motive examination suggests it's the right thing to do for us, the focus is on us vs. how another reacts to our message.
If instead we speak out in order to manipulate or change another, their reaction instead becomes the focus of our attention as well as the measure by which we evaluate the results. The reading suggests that while the words may be the same, we typically find the results more favorable when we keep that focus on ourselves.
Reminder: Today, instead of aiming only for the results, I will consider taking actions because they seem to be the right actions for me.
Quote: "Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree." -- Martin Luther
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I could write novels on motives as well as on the subtle manipulation tactics of 'me' BR (Before Recovery). Let's just summarize simply by stating I had no idea how to be me, a stand-alone person, with needs separate from the many roles of my life - wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, cousin, etc. I honestly had never paused long enough to consider my motives, yet learned through step work that most were unhealthy. With the best of intentions and valid concerns, I was continually trying to change others to be what I thought that should/needed to be and it just did not go well.
Recovery has given me a kind, gentle, calm voice (not how I expressed before) which can better say what I mean, mean what I say and not have to be mean, loud, heard, etc. I have learned that JADE is unhealthy for me, esp. with active addiction, but even broader than that. I like/love me enough today to be able to advocate for myself with pure motives, and not concern myself with how another receives my message, so long as I'm cool, calm and collected. This is so not my natural state, so that favorite tool of mine - Pause to Pray before I Proceed - golden!!
I hope everyone had a great day. I golfed and then cooked dinner, desert and was just watching TV. That's when it hit me that it was Thursday!! Love and light to all - find and keep your joy MIP family...
Thank you so much for your service(IAH)
Gratitude is iindeed very much.part of.my recovery journey
Today I told one of.my.friends all my probkems are good problems. Last year i was in the.middle of.my norml holiday meltdown into #poor me#
Now I am in a whole other place. Never in my.wildest dreams would I have considered I would refer to my problems as manageable. I am so thrilled to have made this paradigm shift.
Thank you all for bearing with me through this very difficult year. I do indeed have a very different attitude today
I have been workimg double time not to linger in #lpoor me#
I have also been wotking overtime and what do you know my.employer (who is needless to.say mad at me) has held onto.my.paycheck
This is not my first rodeo with that scenario
Normally that would be another spoke in the poor me saga
Last time the person did that I did not get the pay check for weeks. Working 7.days a week at 2 jobs has some advantages one being that of course I.have money in the bank
The other being that if someone wants to be a jerk (my.former roommate is still a huge jerk!!) They no longer have the power to ruin my.day. i have choices about it
Serious good choices rather than poor me choices
Glad to be here in a pandemic, in a contentious election, broke but not broken, working way too many hours but that will not be for ever
My plare is full and I have enough to.deal wuth but I am no longer on overwhelm. What a gift. What time to treasiure and how optimistic I am about today and the future
Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Thursday 5th of November 2020 11:33:59 PM
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Friday 6th of November 2020 07:33:41 AM
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Friday 6th of November 2020 07:34:43 AM
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Friday 6th of November 2020 07:36:24 AM
Over the last year or more I have realised that people hear me and read me. And take an intelligent interest in what I say.
I realised this in a way- that this did not happen in other parts of my life.
Was a time I had little control over what came out of my mouth. I say this often, because t was true- I used to gatecrash conversations- and hope for the best!
...
...being in a static group like this is a great help. I have learned to "look before I leap" in the conversation department.
I am grateful for this opportunity to share.
I would drive across a crowded city, on the right hand side of the road, to get to a meeting like this.
And to share.
~Think~ is one of our sixteen slogans. Pure simplicity.
People have been here before us and shown us the way. We are all a part of this process..
...
David
As a child I had no one to soothe or comfort me. I started crying non stop. I cried for days. I croed so much. I got sties on my eyes. They were red and sore. I was talen to the eye doctor. No one ever asked me why I could not stop crying. i went to school like that. They did not say anything either
I am so sorry you were emotionally neglected. I am sorry there was no one there for you. Despite this incredibly traumatic upbringing you are able to be so compassionate to others
What a phenomenal
achievement that is.
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Friday 6th of November 2020 07:41:23 AM
The longer I participate in Al-Anon, the more I see that most things I did had a motive behind them. I was so worried about how people perceived me... so worried if they liked me, that my decisions weren't always based on "What is good for me." In regards to my marriage and eventual role of mother, I can now see that I worked so hard at not being the stereotypical "nagging wife" that I developed sneaky behaviors to eventually get the people I loved to do the things I wanted them to do. Oh, you could argue that what I wanted was "normal," or healthy, but the point was that I manipulated others and devalued myself to attain behaviors that I deemed important. I was not authentic.
OF course, I didn't stay in this space. I am happy to say since my kid was 9, (and my first foray into Al-Anon) I tried hard at being a different kind of mother - that ended up being 11 better formative years for my kid - and continues to this day. I wasn't as successful as a marriage partner b/c I didn't want to accept my life/marriage/partner exactly as it was, and I was fighting it tooth and nail. Hindsight is 20/20 I guess.
David - I find your shares unique. Some of your earlier history is truly sad. Like Maresie, I am impressed with the person you have become and now share with others!
Maresie - I have been able to see the real shift in thought for you this year through your shares. Sometimes, with the little I know of your challenges, I say to myself, "Boy, that girl is strong!"
Thank you all for such wonderful ESH on this topic!