Sometimes I feel like focusing on myself is doing something "wrong". Speaking up for myself .setting boundaries and sticking to them sometimes feels wrong. I know it's not wrong but it feels like it is at times.
I can be doing pretty good and then something happens with/to somebody else and I start feeling guilty for putting myself first. I even try to convince myself that these things, these bad things, are happening because of me. Like if I had been focusing on the other person, obsessing about them instead of myself then maybe it wouldn't have happened at all. That maybe somehow I could have prevented it. I know I'm not that powerful. Just by being alive and being me I don't cause bad things to happen. I only tend to think and feel this way when it's something majorly bad though, someone getting diagnosed with a serious illness, an accident, an injury, arrested etc. It's like a default mode I go to. It's hard to shake sometimes.
It's something I'm currently going through and I'm really struggling with it. I've been slacking on self care and keeping the focus on myself. Out of guilt.
Anyone else relate? Logically I know I'm not doing anything wrong but emotionally I sure feel like I am.
DavidG said
Nov 4, 2020
Sunny... this was my experience. At a meeting someone said... "it's a selfish programme."
Thought to myself. No it's not... I decided there and then not to be self-centred, but centred on self.
I am not sure- if there is a distinction? Someone may tell me some time... but it was a good mantra for me. ...
I still know the person who said that:- and I can see the result and consequences.
Not bad- just different.
...
WendyP said
Nov 4, 2020
Hi Sunny, I must say firstly, I just love your Frog, I have many, many Frogs at my Home, everywhere you look, you can see another Frog, Not real ones, most of them have been bought by other people for me, as they know I love Frogs.Some one once asked me, why I like Frogs, well the story goes, that I 'use' to Kiss Princes, and watch them change into Frogs, and then kiss Frogs and hope they would turn into Princes. They never did of course, so now I just have to look at the Frogs, and it helps me to Behave myself.
I relate greatly to your sharing, as that is exactly where I am at the moment with my recovery. I am changing something, that I need to, but feel guilty because I am doing it. I do that a lot, because I feel that I am going to hurt the other person. I find that hard, as to not to hurt anyone by my actions. But I can turn it all around, when I feel guilty, and tell myself, I am challenging the Behavior, not the person, that helps me.
I, too, heard early in recovery, that Alanon is a Selfish Programme, but it's not selfish in that sense, it is Love Of Self,,, I feel if we are to recover to the best of our ability, it has to start with us, as we are in recovery for ourselves. If we are doing it for some one else, it is not going to work. I feel selfish, when I put myself first at times, but say to myself, Feelings are not Facts. For someone who looked after, put everyone else before me, it's not easy to change that, but with this Programme, it give me the courage to do that A Day at a Time.
Some one once said to me, "Are you feeling?", OH yes, I said, The reply, "If your are feeling, you are doing really well">
Sunny, keep doing what you are doing, your doing fine. It will all catch up and become easier to do, challenge the effects.
Love Wendy P.
JerryF said
Nov 5, 2020
Sonny thanks for the post and subject. It was very important for me on my recovery journey and also very important with my sponsor who wanted me to inventory the question "Could you be wrong". The answer then was Yes I could be and I hesitated over the "No" response because it would be too self serving and centered. I didn't dare say "NO" and chose the inventory route and I believe it is good for all of us to consider such self questions to find out who we really are. At times I am and at times I am not and other times I am finding out.
I agree with Wendy...you are doing well...keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Lyne said
Nov 5, 2020
{{{Sunny}}} Glad I took a moment to read your post. My A thinks alanon has "ruined" me because I have resigned from the Doormat Club. My son has been angry, hurt, distant towards me, because I denied him a request he had of me. It's probably the first time I have said "no" to him in his adult life, and he has not taken it well. It's become easy to put me first (within reason) with my A, after the years of damage that has been done to me. With my son, it has given me great pain as we are usually close, but I cannot do what he wants in this instance. It's been two weeks and he seemed better towards me yesterday. It's hard being a grown up and without being outright selfish, it's important to put ourselves first when we need/want to.
Maresie888 said
Nov 5, 2020
For those of us who grow up in dysfunctional hones the issie of ahane and guilt are very difficult
Indeed nmy whoke family woukd guilt me if I had an independent thought. Really ny role was to support psychologically my parents at my expense. There was not even a consideration that I was to becone a fully finctioning human being. Indeed in my parent's culture there was a deliberate effort to hold certain family nebers vacj because they were supposed to care for the parents.
When my younger sister chose to get married my parents saw that as a personal betrayal
Many of us in al anon have N inner critic that developed vecause ov this environment. So it is not just a case ic you have to struggle with the issue of where do I wnd and others begin. The inner critic can be a difficult issue to contend with
However look.at how very far you have come in such a short time in our program. This is a good time to be looking at these issues because the theories of how we develop such maladaptive behavior are being addressed by some innovative clinicians
When Louis and Bill were starting out in the program no one could fathom why Lois was obsessed with Bill. Now that k8nd of behavior is not only explainable it can be addressed with great compassion
I have tremendoys faith in you and your recovery
Maresire
Iamhere said
Nov 5, 2020
SF - great topic and great share. It felt completely foreign to me to put myself first. Basic self-care had been taught to me from a young age, but actual self-care - not so much. As with many things with me, I took care for/of others and overdid it - or obsessed. For me, this habit, behavior or style - whatever term feels best - was a continued practice. I honestly can't say why or when or where it came from, but do know that it's not healthy for me to put others before me and I am better at being of service vs. being a savior when I put me first.
Evenings are not prime time for me so that may not even make sense....I can certainly relate to it all feeling foreign. My sponsor helped me through much of this - simple things - i.e. I used to ask what sounded good for dinner and when all would be available. In a functional family, this might work out well. In my family, not so much - it was like pulling weeds from an overgrown garden that had no rain for months!! As painful as it was, I did thins most days, repeatedly, as I felt it was the 'right thing to do'. Pfffft...my sponsor suggested I flip it all and instead decide what I wanted to make for dinner, announce the menu and the time and see what happened.
Well - guess what? Nobody but me cared enough to comment and they either ate dinner when it was ready, ate left-overs when hungry or found something else. This is a simple, simple scenario but it showed me that by doing what is healthier for me doesn't always have to be 'selfish' - even if it is a bit self-serving.
As my guys have relapsed, gone to jail, prison, been homeless, etc. it has felt extremely uncomfortable to not jump in and save the day. Yet, I do know deep down that when I do this, I just prolong their bottom and detour their journey. As uncomfortable as it feels, it does get easier with practice and prayer. I try to keep my life and my days really, really simple. I plan what is good/healthy for me and then as time allows, try to be of service to others. When I have absolutely no idea what to do and know another is in pain, I simple ask, How can I be of service? This was not always the case as I first had to learn and practice yes and no as complete sentences.
Boundaries around here were very, very painful. My guys resisted big and did not like that I had become healthier and more rigid about my own sanity/peace. What I did learn was that when I was patiently, kindly consistent, they did stick - after growing pains for all of us.
You are correct - you aren't doing anything wrong - it's just new, different, foreign...keep doing what you're doing and with practice, it does become more comfortable! That's been my experience!
SunnyFrogs said
Nov 6, 2020
Thank you so much everyone. It always amazes me that I get so many replies there's too many to reply to individually.
I feel like I am back on my game at the moment. AH had been injured and I went straight to that default mode of feeling like I was doing something wrong. It was really tearing me up inside.
But he ended up yelling at me for taking him to the hospital for his injury, saying I over reacted ,it was none of my business, etc. So, of course those feelings I was having subsided real quick. I feel like I didn't really get to work through this issue because of that. But I did learn so much by posting it here and I do believe it's gonna help me the next time I start feeling that same way.
Maresie888 said
Nov 6, 2020
Sunnyfrogs
I think it is cery very hard to deal with an alcoholic. Instill habe to deal with my.former roommate. Hos.life is one long crisis then he gets teal demandung (he projects it all over me.
Some of us cannot wave a magic wand to get out of a telationship. If we are sensibke we are going to keave with littke to no.drama. i hace contact with the firmer roommate once week or more. It is iniversally inpleasant every time
However sonme Innovative longer liveeting have emerged
.Be kind and forgiving to yourself. That helps you to get to a place of equanimity. Being in a state.of calm means you are not running on emoty.
Sometimes I feel like focusing on myself is doing something "wrong". Speaking up for myself .setting boundaries and sticking to them sometimes feels wrong. I know it's not wrong but it feels like it is at times.
I can be doing pretty good and then something happens with/to somebody else and I start feeling guilty for putting myself first. I even try to convince myself that these things, these bad things, are happening because of me. Like if I had been focusing on the other person, obsessing about them instead of myself then maybe it wouldn't have happened at all. That maybe somehow I could have prevented it. I know I'm not that powerful. Just by being alive and being me I don't cause bad things to happen. I only tend to think and feel this way when it's something majorly bad though, someone getting diagnosed with a serious illness, an accident, an injury, arrested etc. It's like a default mode I go to. It's hard to shake sometimes.
It's something I'm currently going through and I'm really struggling with it. I've been slacking on self care and keeping the focus on myself. Out of guilt.
Anyone else relate? Logically I know I'm not doing anything wrong but emotionally I sure feel like I am.
Sunny... this was my experience. At a meeting someone said... "it's a selfish programme."
Thought to myself. No it's not... I decided there and then not to be self-centred, but centred on self.
I am not sure- if there is a distinction? Someone may tell me some time... but it was a good mantra for me.
...
I still know the person who said that:- and I can see the result and consequences.
Not bad- just different.
Hi Sunny, I must say firstly, I just love your Frog, I have many, many Frogs at my Home, everywhere you look, you can see another Frog, Not real ones, most of them have been bought by other people for me, as they know I love Frogs.Some one once asked me, why I like Frogs, well the story goes, that I 'use' to Kiss Princes, and watch them change into Frogs, and then kiss Frogs and hope they would turn into Princes. They never did of course, so now I just have to look at the Frogs, and it helps me to Behave myself.
I relate greatly to your sharing, as that is exactly where I am at the moment with my recovery. I am changing something, that I need to, but feel guilty because I am doing it. I do that a lot, because I feel that I am going to hurt the other person. I find that hard, as to not to hurt anyone by my actions. But I can turn it all around, when I feel guilty, and tell myself, I am challenging the Behavior, not the person, that helps me.
I, too, heard early in recovery, that Alanon is a Selfish Programme, but it's not selfish in that sense, it is Love Of Self,,, I feel if we are to recover to the best of our ability, it has to start with us, as we are in recovery for ourselves. If we are doing it for some one else, it is not going to work. I feel selfish, when I put myself first at times, but say to myself, Feelings are not Facts. For someone who looked after, put everyone else before me, it's not easy to change that, but with this Programme, it give me the courage to do that A Day at a Time.
Some one once said to me, "Are you feeling?", OH yes, I said, The reply, "If your are feeling, you are doing really well">
Sunny, keep doing what you are doing, your doing fine. It will all catch up and become easier to do, challenge the effects.
Love Wendy P.
Sonny thanks for the post and subject. It was very important for me on my recovery journey and also very important with my sponsor who wanted me to inventory the question "Could you be wrong". The answer then was Yes I could be and I hesitated over the "No" response because it would be too self serving and centered. I didn't dare say "NO" and chose the inventory route and I believe it is good for all of us to consider such self questions to find out who we really are. At times I am and at times I am not and other times I am finding out.
I agree with Wendy...you are doing well...keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
For those of us who grow up in dysfunctional hones the issie of ahane and guilt are very difficult
Indeed nmy whoke family woukd guilt me if I had an independent thought. Really ny role was to support psychologically my parents at my expense. There was not even a consideration that I was to becone a fully finctioning human being. Indeed in my parent's culture there was a deliberate effort to hold certain family nebers vacj because they were supposed to care for the parents.
When my younger sister chose to get married my parents saw that as a personal betrayal
Many of us in al anon have N inner critic that developed vecause ov this environment. So it is not just a case ic you have to struggle with the issue of where do I wnd and others begin. The inner critic can be a difficult issue to contend with
However look.at how very far you have come in such a short time in our program. This is a good time to be looking at these issues because the theories of how we develop such maladaptive behavior are being addressed by some innovative clinicians
When Louis and Bill were starting out in the program no one could fathom why Lois was obsessed with Bill. Now that k8nd of behavior is not only explainable it can be addressed with great compassion
I have tremendoys faith in you and your recovery
Maresire
Evenings are not prime time for me so that may not even make sense....I can certainly relate to it all feeling foreign. My sponsor helped me through much of this - simple things - i.e. I used to ask what sounded good for dinner and when all would be available. In a functional family, this might work out well. In my family, not so much - it was like pulling weeds from an overgrown garden that had no rain for months!! As painful as it was, I did thins most days, repeatedly, as I felt it was the 'right thing to do'. Pfffft...my sponsor suggested I flip it all and instead decide what I wanted to make for dinner, announce the menu and the time and see what happened.
Well - guess what? Nobody but me cared enough to comment and they either ate dinner when it was ready, ate left-overs when hungry or found something else. This is a simple, simple scenario but it showed me that by doing what is healthier for me doesn't always have to be 'selfish' - even if it is a bit self-serving.
As my guys have relapsed, gone to jail, prison, been homeless, etc. it has felt extremely uncomfortable to not jump in and save the day. Yet, I do know deep down that when I do this, I just prolong their bottom and detour their journey. As uncomfortable as it feels, it does get easier with practice and prayer. I try to keep my life and my days really, really simple. I plan what is good/healthy for me and then as time allows, try to be of service to others. When I have absolutely no idea what to do and know another is in pain, I simple ask, How can I be of service? This was not always the case as I first had to learn and practice yes and no as complete sentences.
Boundaries around here were very, very painful. My guys resisted big and did not like that I had become healthier and more rigid about my own sanity/peace. What I did learn was that when I was patiently, kindly consistent, they did stick - after growing pains for all of us.
You are correct - you aren't doing anything wrong - it's just new, different, foreign...keep doing what you're doing and with practice, it does become more comfortable! That's been my experience!
Thank you so much everyone. It always amazes me that I get so many replies there's too many to reply to individually.
I feel like I am back on my game at the moment. AH had been injured and I went straight to that default mode of feeling like I was doing something wrong. It was really tearing me up inside.
But he ended up yelling at me for taking him to the hospital for his injury, saying I over reacted ,it was none of my business, etc. So, of course those feelings I was having subsided real quick. I feel like I didn't really get to work through this issue because of that. But I did learn so much by posting it here and I do believe it's gonna help me the next time I start feeling that same way.
Sunnyfrogs
I think it is cery very hard to deal with an alcoholic. Instill habe to deal with my.former roommate. Hos.life is one long crisis then he gets teal demandung (he projects it all over me.
Some of us cannot wave a magic wand to get out of a telationship. If we are sensibke we are going to keave with littke to no.drama. i hace contact with the firmer roommate once week or more. It is iniversally inpleasant every time
However sonme Innovative longer liveeting have emerged
.Be kind and forgiving to yourself. That helps you to get to a place of equanimity. Being in a state.of calm means you are not running on emoty.
Maresie