I feel overwhelming fear. It's choking me. Traditionally in relationships, the fear gets me and I run back to what hurts MD because it's familiar. But now today I can't do it even if I want to because I literally can't. I don't know why but it's like every part of my being goes, dead end ahead, dead end ahead! I know logically this is good recovery and growth. But it's also terrifying. Breathing is hard. I want to cry. I need to literally schedule that in because I don't think it's good for children to watch their mother fall to pieces if it can be avoided. I've put my best efforts into reassuring them everything will be okay and I believed that. But right now I just feel like a deer in the headlights with nowhere to run. I have reached out to a few trusted friends and family members for support. What do I focus on to get over this. It feels like my whole world is collapsing.
JerryF said
Oct 29, 2020
a4l thanks for the confidence in the MIP and the courage to reaching out still. One of the things I did and still do is read the Just for Today Pamphlet which is a simple guide for me. When I am confused and fearful I cannot do conflicted inventory and mind work. I need simple along with sleep and meditation...that works for me. The slogan "Act as if" also works even though the acting is superficial for now.
Sending support and hope and prayers. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by JerryF on Thursday 29th of October 2020 10:28:11 PM
PosiesandPuppies said
Oct 30, 2020
(((((a4l)))))
Sending you calming energy. Oh! How I would love to give you a hug so I could transfer my energy into you!!! I have been exactly in the "feeling place" you are now. I was also like you, in that I did think that showing too much negative emotion in front of my kid would just make him more scared of what was happening. I had heard from a child psychologist that in these types of situations, "...children take their cues from the stable parent."
So this is what I did: Focused with laser sharpness on being the "stable parent" - even if that meant putting off some emotional release I made a list every night and checked it every day. It was a "My Next Steps" list. It literally included things like, get laundry done, make it through a work day, pick up house, make a healthy meal. Very mundane. But I felt like I had control over these steps, and I felt a surge of confidence when I would scratch a task off! I can't stress this little exercise enough. By using such laser focus, it kept my racing mind to a more tolerable level. I took A LOT of showers. Why? Because that is where I felt I could cry without my kid hearing or seeing how broken and helpless I was.
These are things that worked for me when I felt like I was drowning, but could not succumb to the waters.
Asking my HP to talk with your HP about some relief!
Iamhere said
Oct 30, 2020
(((a4l))) - sending tons of virtual hugs your way. There have been times in my life where I truly was paralyzed by fear. I don't have any 'fast fixes' yet can share that it does pass and it will pass. It never feels like it will when you're in it, so the simple tools I use is literally - breathing, just breathing because I tend to go 'shallow' when I'm fearful, anxious, overwhelmed, etc.
Love what Jerry suggested and it's also a go-to tool for me. Of course, the Serenity Prayer is a very important tool for me as well as doing what I can to stay focused on the present, the right here and now.
Keep coming back, keep trying tools and know that there's no perfect way to grieve, to process fear, etc. Sending prayers, hugs and positive energy your way!!
a4l said
Oct 30, 2020
Thanks for the hugs. I really mean that. Feeling better this morning with the repeated slogan "don't go to the hardware store for bread" running through my head. I think another part of the terror is that leaving countries is another go to response of mine which is universally off the table. That feels psychologically suffocating. And my island is tiny. He grew up here I didn't though I have ancestry to the first canoe and am on my ancestral lands now. I probably need to ground myself into a sense of security. I cried in the safety of my bedroom last night and that was unpleasant. Crying is unpleasant generally. It seems to come and go in waves. I'm really good at stuffing feelings but I know it leads nowhere positive in the long run. Still sometimes the pain is so much I want to stuff it and get on with business. It would be easier. So I'll just write out what's hurting me. Basically myself. I can't beleive I wasted so much time and how long I did things in ways that were not my authentic nature. I'm also worried about the kids. I have been the veneer of our family. Shielded them from the past. Offered him stability which most people were happy for. But it could never last without arresting alcoholism. That never got arrested. OK. I feel clearer. I know my truth I know my families truth. My children are going to be better than OK and that's my focus.
-- Edited by a4l on Friday 30th of October 2020 01:31:07 PM
DavidG said
Oct 30, 2020
My old family messages would say- duck it. Medicate it.
Don't mention it- [because it makes us very vulnerable.]
Seek help? For me Alanon is always an option. Not an alternative- but something that works in tandem with professional help.
I think we all know our own limits and tolerances... and the timing always has to be ours.
a4l said
Oct 30, 2020
Thank you David: "and the timing always has to be ours".
Yes. Amongst all the weird emotional storms, this is good focus. This is my timing, this is what I want and know from above is the right thing to do. I might not be able to control much else but I can certainly confidently own that and take comfort from it.
mikeco said
Oct 31, 2020
I was very grateful to read your post as fear is a constant in my life. I am happy to hear that you know what you need to do. It doesn't mean it will be easy, but moving through the paralyzing fear one tiny step at a time is healing. Reaching out to friends and family, and the ESH of the program is healing. The fear and the feeing of an anvil on your chest is also very real and it hurts. It makes you question decisions and tells you to "Run back to where it's familiar." Moving forward with what you know in your heart needs to be done, will heal you. So happy to hear you have reached out. Wishing you peace and sending healing energy in your journey forward.
Mike
a4l said
Oct 31, 2020
Thanks Mike. I feel wiped out emotionally. I've deactivated my social media pages for now because I like to fall apart in private lol. But I've fallen apart a few times in my life and put myself back together each time so this will be no different in that sense. Time takes time as the saying goes. I appreciate your kindness <3
a4l said
Oct 31, 2020
Iamhere......thank you for the breathing reminder. That is what I am doing right now. Reading, relaxing and deep breathing into my solar plexus where I tend to hold anxiety and fear. <3
Iamhere said
Oct 31, 2020
I'm just happy that today is a new day and a better day....I also do not like crying - I don't do it often and it doesn't feel 'right'. What I do know is when I can just let go, let 'it' happen - tears, fear, anxiety - I do feel a release, almost as if the tears or the tantrum or the venting or the praying/cursing @ God brings about a slight balance in me. I'm not saying it's always pretty to look at or even makes sense to others, but when I 'hit the proverbial wall', I know now that any release is better than no release.
I will say that, for me, social media is just not a healthy place. I can't say exactly why other than I feel the need to be better than/less than others and often find myself competing/comparing unintentionally. There are many lovely people in my life that participate and that works for them. All who know me know that if I am wanted/needed, you better PM me and I'll answer from my phone. Social Media just makes me crazy, mad, sad, other. I do not get any satisfaction/pleasure so just stopped (my life is better for that decision).
For me, in times of intense pain, I like to lean into the three A(s). Awareness, Acceptance and then Action. The steps and our tools help me better identify exactly what I am feeling and more 'why' and then I can accept what is and then consider changing what I can. I truly believe I have grown much, much more thru pain than not.
Keep stopping in - each day/as time allows. And yes, breathe! I am not sure why I go so shallow when 'life happens' but taking just a few moments to breathe deeper/deeply really helps me calm and center. We love you and you're not alone! (((Hugs)))
a4l said
Oct 31, 2020
IAH.....thank you for the love. I so needed to read that. There's just one more thing I need to take care of as a big grown up. My scholarship. Having perused my contract I think I have an outclause as it runs in contravention to a key part of the statute which governs it. Which is not what I'm going in with but will hold as a back up card if I need to save myself from financial ruin. What I think is the right thing to do is to seek release from it. This will be a massive blow to my career goals and to my immediate financial state, but it's realistic. There's no way on God's green earth I'm passing my law papers this semester. And if I don't withdraw, I'm going to butcher the GPA I've worked hard for and then I'll also be on academic probation. No thanks. Do that's my Monday must do, which I'm not at all looking forward to but which will be a relief. I then have the next three months to put my affairs in order, before paying for a manageable two papers independently. Maybe I can negotiate a return to scholarship after that. Who knows but it starts with that first step.
a4l said
Oct 31, 2020
Oh and as an aside on social media, here, it's basically also a hook up tool. Small small community. I started getting unwanted attention of the male variety and found it kind of.....arrogant. On the other hand I want to get into importing and it's a useful sales platform. But not for today and that feels greatly empowering.
texas yankee said
Nov 1, 2020
Not sure it it'd qualify as fear, but with my ADHD I do worry about a lot of stuff - not just with stuff related to my alcoholic \ addict adult child, but all kinds of stuff related to other people I'm close to in my life - and that's a very small circle. Sometime when I lay down at night, the stuff starts spinning inside my head like a car with a gas pedal that's stuck to the floorboard. I use any number of techniques (LOL, sometimes ALL of them !!), but what works for me is saying the Serenity prayer over and over and over, like a mantra; I say the Step 11 Prayer - "God, please show me your will for me, and give me the power to carry it out" (the emphasis on me reminds me that controlling anyone or anything besides myself is inappropriate and a waste of my time); depending on what time it is, I get out the phone list and call an Al Anon friend; I used to go jogging (can't do that any more) so now I get my bike out and have a long, really pushing myself, strenuous ride - I go for a walk - sometimes a L-O-N-G walk, and while I'm walking I make up (in my head) a gratitude list, I say the Serenity Prayer, I say the Step 11 Prayer; later on, I get out my Al Anon books and read about issues that I know I struggle with - enabling, trust, detachment, etc.
If there are any meetings relatively close, I find a meeting and go - the topic doesn't matter.
Sometimes, because sometimes it's the only way to stop the story-spinning inside my head, I take a Tylenol PM - it takes the edge off and quiets things down so I can get to sleep.
Some combination of the stuff above (LOL, and sometimes ALL of the stuff above) get's me through to tomorrow - and since the past (yesterday) or the next day (tomorrow) don't matter, I'm where I need to be at that point.
Hang in there!
-- Edited by texas yankee on Sunday 1st of November 2020 07:31:18 PM
Iamhere said
Nov 1, 2020
(((a4l))) - I can only imagine the stress of the schooling on top of 'life events'. I don't know how things work where you are, but can imagine that whomever you go talk to has heard/experienced far worse situations/scenarios. I know over here there are ways you can do withdrawals, and put all on hold - the financial parts as well as the schooling. Timing and length are typically set by the school and the funding, but there are options usually to help adults when life rises - it does...for everyone but esp. adults vs. students fresh from HS.
Taking a break or doing a withdrawal is not wrong or a failure of any sorts. We (the world) are experiencing a pandemic and most, if not all of us are crazy right now. Add the many things happening in RL, and it's often just too much. I'm sending you tons of positive energy and thoughts to help you for your next steps for the education. (((Hugs))) too! This all will pass even if it doesn't feel like it will.
TY - good to see you....I have a racing mind and also repeat the Serenity Prayer over and over to try to quiet my mind. It works often for me. I will also pull out literature and read, which often helps calm me and helps me go to sleep.
PosiesandPuppies said
Nov 2, 2020
Good to hear that you are in a better mind-set.
I am holding onto some positive energy towards your goal of suspending your education/career path. I hope that the entities that hold that power will be understanding and will work with you on this!
Enjoy the new week!
Maresie888 said
Nov 2, 2020
There is s saying in the program to Keep it simple
For me under stress I do cut back
I also soend a lot mb of time restimg
This Covid 19 virus among other issues is a good reason to put a lot of thimgs on.hold
I do find crying helpful I.do it a lot. At least once a day I feel like crying. It is perfectly permissible to be sad
I am glad you are reaching out for support you need it
I feel overwhelming fear. It's choking me. Traditionally in relationships, the fear gets me and I run back to what hurts MD because it's familiar. But now today I can't do it even if I want to because I literally can't. I don't know why but it's like every part of my being goes, dead end ahead, dead end ahead! I know logically this is good recovery and growth. But it's also terrifying. Breathing is hard. I want to cry. I need to literally schedule that in because I don't think it's good for children to watch their mother fall to pieces if it can be avoided. I've put my best efforts into reassuring them everything will be okay and I believed that. But right now I just feel like a deer in the headlights with nowhere to run. I have reached out to a few trusted friends and family members for support. What do I focus on to get over this. It feels like my whole world is collapsing.
a4l thanks for the confidence in the MIP and the courage to reaching out still. One of the things I did and still do is read the Just for Today Pamphlet which is a simple guide for me. When I am confused and fearful I cannot do conflicted inventory and mind work. I need simple along with sleep and meditation...that works for me. The slogan "Act as if" also works even though the acting is superficial for now.
Sending support and hope and prayers. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by JerryF on Thursday 29th of October 2020 10:28:11 PM
(((((a4l)))))
Sending you calming energy. Oh! How I would love to give you a hug so I could transfer my energy into you!!!
I have been exactly in the "feeling place" you are now. I was also like you, in that I did think that showing too much negative emotion in front of my kid would just make him more scared of what was happening. I had heard from a child psychologist that in these types of situations, "...children take their cues from the stable parent."
So this is what I did:
Focused with laser sharpness on being the "stable parent" - even if that meant putting off some emotional release
I made a list every night and checked it every day. It was a "My Next Steps" list. It literally included things like, get laundry done, make it through a work day, pick up house, make a healthy meal. Very mundane. But I felt like I had control over these steps, and I felt a surge of confidence when I would scratch a task off! I can't stress this little exercise enough. By using such laser focus, it kept my racing mind to a more tolerable level.
I took A LOT of showers. Why? Because that is where I felt I could cry without my kid hearing or seeing how broken and helpless I was.
These are things that worked for me when I felt like I was drowning, but could not succumb to the waters.
Asking my HP to talk with your HP about some relief!
Love what Jerry suggested and it's also a go-to tool for me. Of course, the Serenity Prayer is a very important tool for me as well as doing what I can to stay focused on the present, the right here and now.
Keep coming back, keep trying tools and know that there's no perfect way to grieve, to process fear, etc. Sending prayers, hugs and positive energy your way!!
Thanks for the hugs. I really mean that. Feeling better this morning with the repeated slogan "don't go to the hardware store for bread" running through my head. I think another part of the terror is that leaving countries is another go to response of mine which is universally off the table. That feels psychologically suffocating. And my island is tiny. He grew up here I didn't though I have ancestry to the first canoe and am on my ancestral lands now. I probably need to ground myself into a sense of security. I cried in the safety of my bedroom last night and that was unpleasant. Crying is unpleasant generally. It seems to come and go in waves. I'm really good at stuffing feelings but I know it leads nowhere positive in the long run. Still sometimes the pain is so much I want to stuff it and get on with business. It would be easier. So I'll just write out what's hurting me. Basically myself. I can't beleive I wasted so much time and how long I did things in ways that were not my authentic nature. I'm also worried about the kids. I have been the veneer of our family. Shielded them from the past. Offered him stability which most people were happy for. But it could never last without arresting alcoholism. That never got arrested. OK. I feel clearer. I know my truth I know my families truth. My children are going to be better than OK and that's my focus.
-- Edited by a4l on Friday 30th of October 2020 01:31:07 PM
Don't mention it- [because it makes us very vulnerable.]
Seek help? For me Alanon is always an option. Not an alternative- but something that works in tandem with professional help.
I think we all know our own limits and tolerances... and the timing always has to be ours.
Yes. Amongst all the weird emotional storms, this is good focus. This is my timing, this is what I want and know from above is the right thing to do. I might not be able to control much else but I can certainly confidently own that and take comfort from it.
Mike
I will say that, for me, social media is just not a healthy place. I can't say exactly why other than I feel the need to be better than/less than others and often find myself competing/comparing unintentionally. There are many lovely people in my life that participate and that works for them. All who know me know that if I am wanted/needed, you better PM me and I'll answer from my phone. Social Media just makes me crazy, mad, sad, other. I do not get any satisfaction/pleasure so just stopped (my life is better for that decision).
For me, in times of intense pain, I like to lean into the three A(s). Awareness, Acceptance and then Action. The steps and our tools help me better identify exactly what I am feeling and more 'why' and then I can accept what is and then consider changing what I can. I truly believe I have grown much, much more thru pain than not.
Keep stopping in - each day/as time allows. And yes, breathe! I am not sure why I go so shallow when 'life happens' but taking just a few moments to breathe deeper/deeply really helps me calm and center. We love you and you're not alone! (((Hugs)))
Not sure it it'd qualify as fear, but with my ADHD I do worry about a lot of stuff - not just with stuff related to my alcoholic \ addict adult child, but all kinds of stuff related to other people I'm close to in my life - and that's a very small circle. Sometime when I lay down at night, the stuff starts spinning inside my head like a car with a gas pedal that's stuck to the floorboard. I use any number of techniques (LOL, sometimes ALL of them !!), but what works for me is saying the Serenity prayer over and over and over, like a mantra; I say the Step 11 Prayer - "God, please show me your will for me, and give me the power to carry it out" (the emphasis on me reminds me that controlling anyone or anything besides myself is inappropriate and a waste of my time); depending on what time it is, I get out the phone list and call an Al Anon friend; I used to go jogging (can't do that any more) so now I get my bike out and have a long, really pushing myself, strenuous ride - I go for a walk - sometimes a L-O-N-G walk, and while I'm walking I make up (in my head) a gratitude list, I say the Serenity Prayer, I say the Step 11 Prayer; later on, I get out my Al Anon books and read about issues that I know I struggle with - enabling, trust, detachment, etc.
If there are any meetings relatively close, I find a meeting and go - the topic doesn't matter.
Sometimes, because sometimes it's the only way to stop the story-spinning inside my head, I take a Tylenol PM - it takes the edge off and quiets things down so I can get to sleep.
Some combination of the stuff above (LOL, and sometimes ALL of the stuff above) get's me through to tomorrow - and since the past (yesterday) or the next day (tomorrow) don't matter, I'm where I need to be at that point.
Hang in there!
-- Edited by texas yankee on Sunday 1st of November 2020 07:31:18 PM
Taking a break or doing a withdrawal is not wrong or a failure of any sorts. We (the world) are experiencing a pandemic and most, if not all of us are crazy right now. Add the many things happening in RL, and it's often just too much. I'm sending you tons of positive energy and thoughts to help you for your next steps for the education. (((Hugs))) too! This all will pass even if it doesn't feel like it will.
TY - good to see you....I have a racing mind and also repeat the Serenity Prayer over and over to try to quiet my mind. It works often for me. I will also pull out literature and read, which often helps calm me and helps me go to sleep.
I am holding onto some positive energy towards your goal of suspending your education/career path. I hope that the entities that hold that power will be understanding and will work with you on this!
Enjoy the new week!
There is s saying in the program to Keep it simple
For me under stress I do cut back
I also soend a lot mb of time restimg
This Covid 19 virus among other issues is a good reason to put a lot of thimgs on.hold
I do find crying helpful I.do it a lot. At least once a day I feel like crying. It is perfectly permissible to be sad
I am glad you are reaching out for support you need it
Maresie