I think my HP has been very very gentle and patient with me allowing me to acknowledge that truth to myself. I don't like pain, I'm scared of it and it hurts. 

I bought myself a $35 bottle of Marlborough Savigngon a few days ago, knowing full well it was an attempt to deny what I was doing. (A fuctioning successful adult woman purchasing a very decent wine most people can't afford). I very alcoholically deluded myself by consuming a very reasonable glass and a half before sensibly going to sleep in my perfectly arranged bedroom. 

And why am I sabotaging myself this way as a double winner of our program? Because I don't like pain. Long term suffering sure but please no pain. 

I separated from my AH four or five years ago. I clung to "separation is not divorce" and ate my cake as the saying goes. We lived in separate states, then as is currently the case, in separate countries for three years, with his occasional visits and continued financial support. 

I finally ripped off the band aid and filed for divorce a week ago. A month ago a shipment of my furniture finally arrived from that other lifetime in the vast continent of Australia and I think that's right about when the wheels fell off my caboose. I don't know why. Memories probably. 

Now I'm very sad and a bit afraid and I have absolutely screwed four of my law papers because I went into shutdown mode a month ago. One can not go into shutdown mode in law.

I can't remember clearly the last time I felt so vulnerable. I do know about shutdown mode and I can't allow this to continue. I have to face the pain. It's not logical. I mean nothing logically is changing except the legal status of marriage. I'm a solo entity in every single way and have been since we were married so it should not have an impact. I'm not worried about finances because I can and do make my own money. (The job came crawling back and I politely shut the door knowing full well I am smarter than your average bear). I suppose it's all the recriminations of not having made better choices etc etc. 

So I guess I'm here to consciously admit to myself that I don't like pain, the pain is imminent and it needs to be felt. Tears will happen. It will be okay. Crying is not a sign of weakness. It shall pass. I'm not a gigantic idiot. All will be OK eventually. I do not need numbness. 

Thanks for listening. 

WOW what a post...so filled with awareness, honestly, willingness and humility.  Glad you brought it here so that this double winner could gain more experience.  I didn't do the drink; I did the sponsor when I came to that rut in my road.  Do I still have the compulsion?  Not as often as before still cause I use the tools plus what I have learned from college education in our disease it will do catch-up if I ever decide to do a bit.  Alcohol was and is still anesthetic yet for me it always resulted in much more pain when I stopped.

I have had many strong positive recovery experiences with many being beyond expectations that the fellowship shared with me such as my relationship with HP and with the people; program and not who have knowingly or not shared very positive recovery examples with me.  

The amends process has been best as i get to clear away the damage I have done to myself and others.  I made amends just yesterday to a person who has been hurt by behaviors I use to employ because and from my self centered ego.  I also hate pain which is that emotion that cause me to fight so bitterly against even the program and HP.

Keep coming back A4l and do what you know to do best for yourself and peace of mind and sobriety.   ((((Hugs)))) 

If you were not feeling something that would be a big red flag 

My qualifier had s mother who dealt with things by denying them. When one of her sons  died of an overdose she simy.blocked it. Thar is he then became non existant.

That denial has endured for decades. 

My.family of origin dealt with pain by denying it. 

You are fully conscious of all the triggers. That is a huge step in recovery.  I have spent years in reactivity.  Reactivity is beyond unproductive.unfortunately it is all I knew for most of my life. 

Now I.can anticipate triggers snd plan for them.

The end of a marriage is indeed s life changing event. 

For those of us in.al.anon.our attachment is certainly hard and fast and enduring. Our loyalties are solid.  We do not make room for ourselves. 

Know  thar al.anon is there for you.  In particular this group is full of nuturing, kind,  extremely responsive members. This is a very soecial place. Finding this place is indeed a huge boon in the middle of a pandemic.

I  am grareful every day to al.anon. My life is extremely challenging.  There is no easier softer way for me. The holidays have always been a huge blot on my calendar.  Workimg to change that is no easy measure.

Maresie 

Mahalo Maresie888 for that share it clearly supports my own understanding a strong part of which is the need for this MIP family in my life.   ((((hugs)))) 

I most certainly had that chronic exhaustion issue around certain people. I most cerainly have it around the ex roomarw. Inhave it around certain neighbors. I have to pay attebtion to.that 

Indeed when I find sny conversation is is unecessarily difficult. 

I need to have my radar up. 

Growing up in a dysfunctional home I was used to being around people incapable of empathy. My qilualifier did not have that caoacity.  Some paeticularly manipilative people often feign empathy.  Really many people are in a constant comparison log. I have my own experience of doing that. 

While I am a giving person I have to be boumdaried about that. I will no longer assiciate with people who have crossed certain boundaries. I am a lot better at saying #bye bye#  to them.

Luckily for me they are few and far betwee.

I do not have empathy for the whole world. I have empathy for certain people who are capable of interacting. I am having to address that certain people who have particularly destructive lifestyles are incapable of empathy. They are locked intomsich negative role models. The qualifier was certainly like that. He had great charm and could feign warmth but his lifestykl of chronic chaos indicated he was locked into a pinishing lifestyle.  He both loved and hated his vehickes.  He had very little interesr in  making a home and his expectations of my role in the couple relationship were wildy grandioss and at the same time devalued persistently. How can you be both essential and thoroughly devalued simultaneously?;

My family of origin had deeply contentious fractious relationshops. As a child I was forced to compete with my siblings for basic survival needs.  I bought that scarcity model with me as an.adult. 

In recovery I have built a mutually supportive relationship with certain people. That is there is not the sense that at any time they will be unavailable. Moreover within those relationshios there is not the issue of any moment they will start acting malignantly. Neither is there a need to compete with others fir a few scraps of attention. There is maturity, trust and vulnerability in those relationships. The axe is not going to bit my back from out ov nowhere. 

Hi. I got halfway through your post and was reminded that when I wrote my 4th step, these situations (with all my relationships where there had been trouble - and there were many!) all came out and got put on paper. When I was done, I knew myself so much better. There was no shame, only God's love for me.

I did a few other steps after that, then wrote my amends list. 

I then prepared my amends, one at a time - about one every 5 or 6 days.

I focused on just that one at a time, prayed, listed the harms I did to that person as I was praying it all came up, then I prepared an amends in writing.

I ran it by my sponsor. 

Then I called the person and asked them if they would be willing to give me (however many minutes) of their time, at a place of their choosing, because I wanted to take responsibility for some of my behavior from the past.

No one refused me. That was God. Because I was really ready. Everyone said I covered everything. People asked me what I was doing because I was so different. 

The most important part of this was the 4th step inventory - finally, a thorough one that produced a spiritual awakening in me. It was a lot of work, and the best thing I ever did for myself. 

I used the Big Book of AA, even though I'm an adult child. It is for any human being who wants to recover from "life". :)

Hi, OP. 

I relate, because my Alanon-qualifying problems are at the core of all of my addictions. I believe we are all cross-addicted today into many fellowships.

I also have been using something (an addiction) to not feel pain. In fact I had a huge realization about this about an hour ago - that that's really all it is - that I am just trying to not feel feelings. It's where all my compulsions come from, my weird little nervous habits, etc. 

I have also been trying to get the courage to sit with pain. I'm not quite sure how to do it, but I have some ideas, so I'll be reading more of this thread.

Someone told me today that she found So much support in another fellowship. It's one I never even heard of. With my caffeine problem, I think I'll start there. :)

Maresie888 wrote:

---

Well it is good to feel.
The issue is in managing those feelings you have to be gentle with yourself rather than mean.
I was mean to myself so therefore I tolerated people being mean and nasty to me.
Not anymore. Now if you call me a bunch of names and denigrate me its sayanara baby!!!
Maresie

---

 I don't even say goodbye to someone like that. I speak up, then cut them off. Period. 

Hi A4L, I came on here for the first time in ages and read your pain. Im sorry your in such pain. I wanted to suggest reaching out to AA meetings as well as here, they are available on zoom, im sure you already know that but I wanted to say, your not alone and this pain grows in isolation in my own experience. A sponsor is a Godsend in times like these, just to vent and release the thought patterns that are causing the pain and for me, my sponsor can see way beyond my view and can offer me a different perspective that the pain does not allow me to see.

Please dont sit with this on your own, pick up the phone to your sponsor, reason things out. x

Generally at this.time of year there is a increase in meetimgs. For AA there are often round the clock meetings 

That os cety helpful. I.found being at meetings was not necessarily that  helpful.for me at this time of year 

I then had to come up with a game plan. Last year the holidays was particularly triggering for me 

This year I have upped my plan 

The specifics do not matter too much

There is a fine line between feeling your feelings and regulating them 

This is a good place to be there is empathy, experience strength and hope and most of all no judgment. That is one tool try to come up with some more 

Maresie