This is the worst week so far since my mom's passing & a week after the memorial service. As some of you know that I am grieving in all kinds of ways. There is no way exactly to grieve as I am told. Now I feel like an orphan. I feel lost & lonely w/o my parents but I have been OK. A few bouts w/long periods of crying & sobbing. But the good thing is I am free. My alcoholic mother was always on my back trying to get me to do what she wanted. I know that she was sick, but I can't seem to shake the fact that she called me a loser. I might have mentioned this before, but I know I am not a loser. My mom always tried to make me look bad when she is that head-space. I have discovered that in my lifetime there were times when she was down-right cruel to me. I am not responsible for how she felt. She had her own agenda & she made us sure that we noticed.
Today in my process of being: I am grateful that my HP was able to carry me through the last week. Since the memorial service was Friday the 16, I am doing better than I thought I would. During the first week or so, I was calling everyone including most of my al anon friends. I even had to call a crisis line. I guess dealing w/ insomnia didn't help. I know now that I can handle this but I also know that I am not alone. My HP makes it totally clear that he is w/ me through the long haul.
Thank you my MIP family for making the load a little bit easier. YOU are all very much appreciated.
Kathleen
DavidG said
Oct 23, 2020
(((((((((((((((((( Kathleen )))))))))))))))))
Maresie888 said
Oct 23, 2020
Kathleen
My mother projected all kinds of things in me. That is becaude she could not deal with her own process .
I know you are not a loser
I also know how it is to be in a very difficult situation .
I.was, respite decades of therapy always waiting fir ky.mother to stop projecting. She bever did. In fact as she aged she vecame mote orotective, more entrenchwd in her issues
Instead of it being a peaceful time it was more chaotic
I am very grateful that I had some olaces to go with my sisteess when my mother died. Many many people becime incredibky sentimental abd back track on owning what their parents did.
You are in a process, a very gritty process. There us some relief in sight
Maresie
Iamhere said
Oct 23, 2020
(((Kathleen))) - so, so sorry for the pain that lingers after your mother's passing. I do agree that we all grieve and process differently and my hope for you is that you be gentle with you, keep trusting the God of your understanding and know that you are great/awesome just the way you are. Sending tons of virtual hugs, positive thoughts and healing prayers your way!!
PosiesandPuppies said
Oct 24, 2020
(((((Kathleen)))))
I am so happy to hear that you are writing that "...you know you are not a loser." It is important. The words that parents use on their children actually carry so much weight! Something said offhand, or in passing can really affect a child. Right now, your inner child is hurting. I am glad to hear you are reaching out, keep it up!! Please try and find sleep... it is a huge factor on our psyches!
This is the worst week so far since my mom's passing & a week after the memorial service. As some of you know that I am grieving in all kinds of ways. There is no way exactly to grieve as I am told. Now I feel like an orphan. I feel lost & lonely w/o my parents but I have been OK. A few bouts w/long periods of crying & sobbing. But the good thing is I am free. My alcoholic mother was always on my back trying to get me to do what she wanted. I know that she was sick, but I can't seem to shake the fact that she called me a loser. I might have mentioned this before, but I know I am not a loser. My mom always tried to make me look bad when she is that head-space. I have discovered that in my lifetime there were times when she was down-right cruel to me. I am not responsible for how she felt. She had her own agenda & she made us sure that we noticed.
Today in my process of being: I am grateful that my HP was able to carry me through the last week. Since the memorial service was Friday the 16, I am doing better than I thought I would. During the first week or so, I was calling everyone including most of my al anon friends. I even had to call a crisis line. I guess dealing w/ insomnia didn't help. I know now that I can handle this but I also know that I am not alone. My HP makes it totally clear that he is w/ me through the long haul.
Thank you my MIP family for making the load a little bit easier. YOU are all very much appreciated.
Kathleen
(((((((((((((((((( Kathleen )))))))))))))))))
Kathleen
My mother projected all kinds of things in me. That is becaude she could not deal with her own process .
I know you are not a loser
I also know how it is to be in a very difficult situation .
I.was, respite decades of therapy always waiting fir ky.mother to stop projecting. She bever did. In fact as she aged she vecame mote orotective, more entrenchwd in her issues
Instead of it being a peaceful time it was more chaotic
I am very grateful that I had some olaces to go with my sisteess when my mother died. Many many people becime incredibky sentimental abd back track on owning what their parents did.
You are in a process, a very gritty process. There us some relief in sight
Maresie
I am so happy to hear that you are writing that "...you know you are not a loser." It is important. The words that parents use on their children actually carry so much weight! Something said offhand, or in passing can really affect a child. Right now, your inner child is hurting. I am glad to hear you are reaching out, keep it up!! Please try and find sleep... it is a huge factor on our psyches!
(((((Kathleen))))) hugs.