Posting early as I am headed to golf in the morning.
The reminder: In an alcoholic environment, I had good reasons to hide my feelings, making light of serious situations, overworking, overplaying, managing to focus on everything but myself. Today I have other options. I can begin to listen to what my heart has been trying to tell me, and I can look for someone trustworthy with whom I can share it.
Quote from . . . In All Our Affairs: "It may feel like an enormous risk, but talking honestly about the situation is the key to healing.
This reading is all about our honesty and how it's absolutely necessary for spiritual growth. The author shares that when able to finally speak, they held back and were only able/willing to share about problems already solved. Fear kept the author quiet about true feelings and pain - not willing to trust others enough to share the real struggle and pain. When the author was finally able to set aside the facade, and admit shortcomings did joy and spiritual growth, as promised in the Steps.
The writer realized that the paradox of self-honesty is that I need the help of others to achieve it. We need the support of others to help us explore our feelings and motives and to see that others have benefited from taking this great risk of honesty.
I've said it a million times, and will share it again - when I arrived, I felt so defeated, angry, and broken. I did not even have any feelings beyond 'this' as I'd stuffed my feelings for so, so long. My thoughts and emotions were a complete jumbled mess and I did not even know where to begin in trying to talk it out with another person. Time takes time and I spent tons of time in the beginning just listening in the hopes that something would 'rub off' or I'd find relief by osmosis.
Surprisingly, this did help me. Each meeting I attended and each discussion I had helped me relax a little bit. I was able to begin to see I was not alone, I was not unique, this disease had affected others too and I felt safe. I learned how to share by focusing on how this disease affected/affects me and not how the alcoholic affects me. This was absolutely necessary for my own growth and recovery as I had a pattern of throwing blame/shame at others, unable to see my role or part.
Today, I know that at any point I am restless, irritable or discontent, it is my issue and nobody else has caused 'it'. I have chosen to place the problems, words or actions of another in front of my own needs/recovery/life. Every/any time I do this, I risk a loss of my serenity which matters to me greatly now. I have learned how to experience sadness, loss, disappointment and other and not have it control my entire day or my attitude and actions. I can identify what I feel, look at why and then choose differently. Some days, I am better than other days, but I do know that my best recourse for life events is to up my spiritual connection to my HP and recommit myself to my recovery/program.
Tomorrow appears to be a lovely weather day in my world, and the last for a while according to the forecast. I am looking forward to a golf outing that might be 'it' for a bit. Make tomorrow awesome MIP family - find and keep your joy!
DavidG said
Oct 21, 2020
Thanks IAm... My first two decades getting the disease in through the pores of my skin- because I know nothing else.
My third decade in relationships with people whose demeanour and behaviour mirrored my family.
And my own character, personality and behaviour, naturally mirrored my family too! My first actually Alanon meeting was an AA-Alanon presentation. At age 20 When I shared with someone there- they singled me out as a future Alanon member.
I say this with gratitude, because it did sow a seed.
Knowing the feelings was a start. Harnessing them was a whole new ball game.
All along the way- as it seems now I was living a life and getting on with it the best I could.
I could not express all, or most things i was feeling inside- and wanted to. Needed to... but I have gotten there by slow degrees...
Our grandkids seem to love us. I was determined not to be the grumpy old so-and-so I thought I might have been!
Thanks... hope your golfing went well! ...
Lyne said
Oct 22, 2020
Thanks IAH for your service and for both honest shares. I grew up in a household with many secrets, and as I progressed into my relationships with A's, there were not only many secrets but lies as well became the norm. At some point, maybe in my 40's, I realized that I did not want to act like that/them. I became dedicated to telling truth and it feels uncomfortable to tell a lie now. Sometimes when asked about something difficult or to give feedback to someone else, I will find a way to tell the truth even if agonizing over the words I choose. I just don't want to lie. I really dislike that quality in others and I'm doing my best to avoid it.
PosiesandPuppies said
Oct 22, 2020
Thank you Iamhere for your service today, and your honest share. I appreciate you, David and Lyne for participating and furthering my growth by providing your ESH!
I am currently on a path to understand why I do what I do, or did what I did. I am a person who pushes their feelings down, down, deep into my core. Is it denial? Protection? What am I protecting myself from? Reality? Was I always like this? If so, why? These are some of the answers that I am after... I completely understand that I may not find all the answers I seek, nor may I like the answers I find.
Like Lyne, I value an honest person... they have integrity. Integrity is a big deal to me. I am trying to live an authentic life full of integrity, while understanding that I am only human.
A little bit cooler weather today... I'll take it!! Iamhere, enjoy the morning of golf!
&
mamalioness said
Oct 22, 2020
((((((((((IAH)))))))))))))) thank you for this powerful share and your service and YOUR share really resonated with me
I was the exact same...I was so broken, defeated, WHAT are FEELINGS?? beyond rage, anger issues, and fear, I had zero feelings....i was numbed out if not raging mad...
then, even tho she betrayed me in the end, (Thank God I was healed enough to chalk it off as dysfunction and not evil and was able to forgive, but totally removed me from her) but anyway, I got lucky and found a sponsor with MY issues, and similiar history, and little by little it ALL came tumbling out, but even then,
it would be years in recovery before I realized that I had C_PTSD which is a brain injury, but can be rewired with LOTS and LOTS of work: program, and my own added trigger handling, and above all HONESTY in all things/dealings with my surroundings and that included honesty with me....i do strength exercise so I can "be with my body" and let it release stored pain....yoga for same issues---being with my bodily feelings, being with ME, journaling to be with my feelings getting out of my head and into the entire real estate of my being...oh yea, LOADS of work, but I see progress and the biggest thing is being honest with my feelings, to me, to safe others..if one is not safe, I just remove me, but still enforce my boundaries......this program and the research I've done on my issues have helped me so much
a BIG thing with me was being BELIEVED and validated, like others could relate to me and my injuries and suffering...as an ACA'r AND an Al-anon'r I need BOTH programs to make the circle complete re: my recovery resources and i am so blessed to have MIP in which to do that....I came to forgive my alcoholic mother which I never thought I would be able to do, but there again, looking at HER, HONESTLY, I saw that she was a victim of DV and drank to numb her pain...She could not save her own life, so how could I realistically expect her to save my life?? I could not...
Honesty is a HUUUUGE thing for me...bigger than anything...I want to truth...I seek the truth in the steps, shares, meets, any relationships/dealing with people.....If I see dishonesty in a potential friend, I am gone...If I cannot trust, I am not interested...Bless them and disconnect....
I wallowed in lies and dishonesty growing up, and was forced to cope with it and "go with the flow" to protect me from hard....I won't live with it again...
Thanks to this program and my own research, observations, et al, I have made life style changes that encourage healing not just physically (back spasms, somatizing pain, etc) but also my perceptions, thinking, feeling and my spirituality.....My relationship with my HP is growing....I am so grateful for this miracle program....it WORKS if I WORK it
Maresie888 said
Oct 22, 2020
Thankyou I am here for your enthusiasm. The relish you have for your life is indeed inspiring
The issue you refer to as #in your disease# is what I am learning is #priming# That is certain issues trigger my responses and they are guaranteed to find me having a challenging time.
At one time the former roommate was a source of the priming. (Unfortunately it was for 4 months this yeae but I.have k kwn him intermitently for years. He refused to give me any space in the refridgerator.(keep in mind I was paying rent to him which he desperately needed because he is deeply in debt) Then when. I took up a tiny section of the stand alone freezer he went out and filled the freezer up with stuff so I could not count on that. In fact he moved the meage amount of items I had bought to a smaller space.
That kind of deliberate thwarting and setting up is a prime for me. I do believe the former roommate of course wanted a reaction out of me. Generally of course he got one but then I started to work on the priming issue.
I am of course now enormously proud of the fact that when people now try to provoke me they do not get a reaction
In fact I am able to completely ignore their provocation.
There is progress and not being provoked by others is asweet victory.
Having control over one's environment is so key
For the past few months I have been working somewhere that is much lower stress. However now I am flooded with bills I have to take on other work. That work is much more stressful but so is having bills. In addition I need to preserve my savings so that I have a contingency fund. After all we all need to have a contingency fund
I have not always taken the most prudent path. After all you have to consider I lived with my qualifier for 8 years. I knew within the first week of staying with him (at that time it was platonic) there were serious issues. I most definitely did not want to address that problem.
By the time I did come close to acknowledging it was unmanageable I was defeated exhausted and very very angry.
Needless to say my qualifier lives a life of total chaos. I have not been near him in years and i have no.doubt.he has a list of all the people to blame for his predicament.
The excuses he had for every problem he had in his life were pf course a red flag from the beginning
Right now the Covid 19 crisis has dramatically affected my life. There is no sense that there will be relief any time soon
I am glad I can be aware of my priming issue so I can navigate these very difficult times.
I look forward to a time when life will be so much easier
Thank you so much for your exuberance and passion for your life. That passion and optimism during these very difficult times is a sustaining factor in my current challenges.
Posting early as I am headed to golf in the morning.
The reminder: In an alcoholic environment, I had good reasons to hide my feelings, making light of serious situations, overworking, overplaying, managing to focus on everything but myself. Today I have other options. I can begin to listen to what my heart has been trying to tell me, and I can look for someone trustworthy with whom I can share it.
Quote from . . . In All Our Affairs: "It may feel like an enormous risk, but talking honestly about the situation is the key to healing.
This reading is all about our honesty and how it's absolutely necessary for spiritual growth. The author shares that when able to finally speak, they held back and were only able/willing to share about problems already solved. Fear kept the author quiet about true feelings and pain - not willing to trust others enough to share the real struggle and pain. When the author was finally able to set aside the facade, and admit shortcomings did joy and spiritual growth, as promised in the Steps.
The writer realized that the paradox of self-honesty is that I need the help of others to achieve it. We need the support of others to help us explore our feelings and motives and to see that others have benefited from taking this great risk of honesty.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've said it a million times, and will share it again - when I arrived, I felt so defeated, angry, and broken. I did not even have any feelings beyond 'this' as I'd stuffed my feelings for so, so long. My thoughts and emotions were a complete jumbled mess and I did not even know where to begin in trying to talk it out with another person. Time takes time and I spent tons of time in the beginning just listening in the hopes that something would 'rub off' or I'd find relief by osmosis.
Surprisingly, this did help me. Each meeting I attended and each discussion I had helped me relax a little bit. I was able to begin to see I was not alone, I was not unique, this disease had affected others too and I felt safe. I learned how to share by focusing on how this disease affected/affects me and not how the alcoholic affects me. This was absolutely necessary for my own growth and recovery as I had a pattern of throwing blame/shame at others, unable to see my role or part.
Today, I know that at any point I am restless, irritable or discontent, it is my issue and nobody else has caused 'it'. I have chosen to place the problems, words or actions of another in front of my own needs/recovery/life. Every/any time I do this, I risk a loss of my serenity which matters to me greatly now. I have learned how to experience sadness, loss, disappointment and other and not have it control my entire day or my attitude and actions. I can identify what I feel, look at why and then choose differently. Some days, I am better than other days, but I do know that my best recourse for life events is to up my spiritual connection to my HP and recommit myself to my recovery/program.
Tomorrow appears to be a lovely weather day in my world, and the last for a while according to the forecast. I am looking forward to a golf outing that might be 'it' for a bit. Make tomorrow awesome MIP family - find and keep your joy!
My third decade in relationships with people whose demeanour and behaviour mirrored my family.
And my own character, personality and behaviour, naturally mirrored my family too! My first actually Alanon meeting was an AA-Alanon presentation. At age 20 When I shared with someone there- they singled me out as a future Alanon member.
I say this with gratitude, because it did sow a seed.
Knowing the feelings was a start. Harnessing them was a whole new ball game.
All along the way- as it seems now I was living a life and getting on with it the best I could.
I could not express all, or most things i was feeling inside- and wanted to. Needed to... but I have gotten there by slow degrees...
Our grandkids seem to love us. I was determined not to be the grumpy old so-and-so I thought I might have been!
Thank you Iamhere for your service today, and your honest share.
Iamhere, enjoy the morning of golf!
& 
I appreciate you, David and Lyne for participating and furthering my growth by providing your ESH!
I am currently on a path to understand why I do what I do, or did what I did. I am a person who pushes their feelings down, down, deep into my core. Is it denial? Protection? What am I protecting myself from? Reality? Was I always like this? If so, why?
These are some of the answers that I am after... I completely understand that I may not find all the answers I seek, nor may I like the answers I find.
Like Lyne, I value an honest person... they have integrity. Integrity is a big deal to me. I am trying to live an authentic life full of integrity, while understanding that I am only human.
A little bit cooler weather today... I'll take it!!
I was the exact same...I was so broken, defeated, WHAT are FEELINGS?? beyond rage, anger issues, and fear, I had zero feelings....i was numbed out if not raging mad...
then, even tho she betrayed me in the end, (Thank God I was healed enough to chalk it off as dysfunction and not evil and was able to forgive, but totally removed me from her) but anyway, I got lucky and found a sponsor with MY issues, and similiar history, and little by little it ALL came tumbling out, but even then,
it would be years in recovery before I realized that I had C_PTSD which is a brain injury, but can be rewired with LOTS and LOTS of work: program, and my own added trigger handling, and above all HONESTY in all things/dealings with my surroundings and that included honesty with me....i do strength exercise so I can "be with my body" and let it release stored pain....yoga for same issues---being with my bodily feelings, being with ME, journaling to be with my feelings getting out of my head and into the entire real estate of my being...oh yea, LOADS of work, but I see progress and the biggest thing is being honest with my feelings, to me, to safe others..if one is not safe, I just remove me, but still enforce my boundaries......this program and the research I've done on my issues have helped me so much
a BIG thing with me was being BELIEVED and validated, like others could relate to me and my injuries and suffering...as an ACA'r AND an Al-anon'r I need BOTH programs to make the circle complete re: my recovery resources and i am so blessed to have MIP in which to do that....I came to forgive my alcoholic mother which I never thought I would be able to do, but there again, looking at HER, HONESTLY, I saw that she was a victim of DV and drank to numb her pain...She could not save her own life, so how could I realistically expect her to save my life?? I could not...
Honesty is a HUUUUGE thing for me...bigger than anything...I want to truth...I seek the truth in the steps, shares, meets, any relationships/dealing with people.....If I see dishonesty in a potential friend, I am gone...If I cannot trust, I am not interested...Bless them and disconnect....
I wallowed in lies and dishonesty growing up, and was forced to cope with it and "go with the flow" to protect me from hard....I won't live with it again...
Thanks to this program and my own research, observations, et al, I have made life style changes that encourage healing not just physically (back spasms, somatizing pain, etc) but also my perceptions, thinking, feeling and my spirituality.....My relationship with my HP is growing....I am so grateful for this miracle program....it WORKS if I WORK it
The issue you refer to as #in your disease# is what I am learning is #priming# That is certain issues trigger my responses and they are guaranteed to find me having a challenging time.
At one time the former roommate was a source of the priming. (Unfortunately it was for 4 months this yeae but I.have k kwn him intermitently for years. He refused to give me any space in the refridgerator.(keep in mind I was paying rent to him which he desperately needed because he is deeply in debt) Then when. I took up a tiny section of the stand alone freezer he went out and filled the freezer up with stuff so I could not count on that. In fact he moved the meage amount of items I had bought to a smaller space.
That kind of deliberate thwarting and setting up is a prime for me. I do believe the former roommate of course wanted a reaction out of me. Generally of course he got one but then I started to work on the priming issue.
I am of course now enormously proud of the fact that when people now try to provoke me they do not get a reaction
In fact I am able to completely ignore their provocation.
There is progress and not being provoked by others is asweet victory.
Having control over one's environment is so key
For the past few months I have been working somewhere that is much lower stress. However now I am flooded with bills I have to take on other work. That work is much more stressful but so is having bills. In addition I need to preserve my savings so that I have a contingency fund. After all we all need to have a contingency fund
I have not always taken the most prudent path. After all you have to consider I lived with my qualifier for 8 years. I knew within the first week of staying with him (at that time it was platonic) there were serious issues. I most definitely did not want to address that problem.
By the time I did come close to acknowledging it was unmanageable I was defeated exhausted and very very angry.
Needless to say my qualifier lives a life of total chaos. I have not been near him in years and i have no.doubt.he has a list of all the people to blame for his predicament.
The excuses he had for every problem he had in his life were pf course a red flag from the beginning
Right now the Covid 19 crisis has dramatically affected my life. There is no sense that there will be relief any time soon
I am glad I can be aware of my priming issue so I can navigate these very difficult times.
I look forward to a time when life will be so much easier
Thank you so much for your exuberance and passion for your life. That passion and optimism during these very difficult times is a sustaining factor in my current challenges.
Maresie