I have heard the J.A.D.E. akronym on overseas forums- but never in NZ.
So I never paid much need to it- until recently. I suppose I do need it now- so I embrace it- and make it my own...
I have a little trouble with one part of it- the "E". I always like to explain things- myself, etc...
I know I love to offer input when people ask me. If people haven't it can be really tedious- pointless.
In the room it is different. Maybe a lot of us are in the same boat. Put thoughts and ideas haven't been listened to- maybe for long periods of time. Starved for attention. But we do understand each other, and over time we do learn how to deal with this.
I was born 1951 and came through a school system where kids were seen and not heard. In fact kids were strapped with leather- if they stepped over that line.
This is powerful conditioning, especially if it is backed up and enforced at home.
Making up for lost time... I do try to listen up...
...and I do appreciate it when I am heard too.
-D.
Maresie888 said
Oct 12, 2020
The abject neglect i experienced in my childhood is very very difficult to work through. I have come a long long way.
In the fsce of slcoholism it is hard to find ways to respond. Indeed it requires great skill and patience to do that
When you look at Maslow's hierachy of need I did not get off the first rung. Thetefore my exoectations of myself are also way off.
I think seeing the response to the alcoholic's behavior as a desperate way to fulfil needs is pretty astute
However up against an slcoholic who has been refinimg their manipulation skills for decades it is pretty hopeless.
Sometimes I am in awe of the qualifier's ability ti reboumd. .
Yout resilience in the face of so much abuse and neglect us formidable
PosiesandPuppies said
Oct 13, 2020
Good share, David!
I think it is interesting what slogans make it around the world. Each area seems to make them their own. J.A.D.E. is a great acronym. What I found when I first was introduced to this concept, was more about ME than my qualifier!
I struggled b/c I just could not stop trying to EXPLAIN my POV. I felt that if I just explained things logically, then things would change, I would be heard and respected, etc. It took quite awhile for me to accept that the disease of Addiction just doesn't care about logic!! LOL!
AS I hear more about your life as a youngster, I too am impressed with the adult you are now!
My noun for myself is RESILIENT. I believe it is yours too!
&
DavidG said
Oct 13, 2020
Thanks for your support Maresie, and P.
A member recently said to me that is is a gradual program, not a graduate program.
15 years i might have argued back and blue about that one- mostly with myself.
I do thing there are turning points and milestones, as each layer of the onion is peeled off.
I used to wonder what was going to be left- in the middle of the onion!
Mostly, today I can fall back on the serenity prayer, having once again tackled something I had no hope of changing! ...
but then reflecting on the little successes on the other side of the ledger.
Making my life more liveable and comfortable- and helping to make the world a tiny bit better... ...
I go to a meditation group down the hill at the village hall. [From the days when it still was a village!]
I volunteered to open up next Tuesday morning...
...taking some aspects of our recovery- out into the wider world. ...
-- Edited by DavidG on Tuesday 13th of October 2020 11:07:52 PM
Temple said
Oct 13, 2020
David,
You are heard and very much appreciated.
Blessings!
Temple
mamalioness said
Oct 13, 2020
great Topic, David
for me, the terrible abuse AND abandonment, caused me comples/childhood PTSD...and back then, the feelings of being unwanted and useless, etc., taught me that I had to "explain" my existance?? my rights to anything?? even hunger, one had to J A D E why they wanted to eat at a particular time...because I am HUNGRY, but with those people, if it did not fit his scedule, too bad...She was too drunk to really know what was going on....
abandonment is the big pre-cursor of the J A D E thing, IMO....abandonment made me feel totally useless, unwanted (which to them I was) and it really cratered my sense of self, self esteem, forget self love, I hated me because if your own parents don't want you, who will???
Luckily, I got enough of a respite from that with my loving MY family of choice, that wonderful family where the 2 sisters whom I adored are both, now, deceased...mom and dad went first, he was first, then mom, then the 2 girls...I have no clue where brother Herbie is, he just is MIA to everyone, but THOSE wonderful people DID want me , I probably would have lost my sanity entirely had it not been for them and my loving aunt and uncle, uncle was his brother but Polar opposite of what he was...so I did get SOME relief, the monster just would not let me go, I had TWO loving families who tried very very hard to get full custody and even adopt me, I think mom would have cut me loose to save me, but he was NOT gonna let go....the only "touching" I ever got was the horrible, dark, ugly touch from him, or a slapping from her...
the damage to my self esteem was horrid, I know it killed mom and dad Godfrey to watch me just die inch by inch...they thought it was her drinking and the alcoholic chaos she caused...
anyway, I sorta got off track...when I J A D E , I journal my fears and my feelings...what triggered me to think I have to Justify a boundary or argue a point of view, its my right!! or why do I have to defend myself?? not sure of me?? step 10...and to explain why I don't want to do this or that when "NO" is a one word sentence
today, my neighbor who has let me down TWICE over promises to do some upgrades to my car, I finally found a wonderful mobil Mechanic to take care of my needs for reasonable...I have a nice Honda SUV that I want to take very good care of so Monday was brakes.....my neighbor called me today and i answered the phone and just said, "hello, I am busy, whats up???" he asked me if I got my brakes done?? and I said "yes" and that was it...No explaining, just "yes" and I added to that "i'm busy, I cannot talk now"
so today , he texts me and wants to come over to "talk things out" I merely said "no, I am not available for company" end of sentence...I don't have to explain WHY I want to be by myself to grieve over my dead loved one...or Justify, why I don't want someones company....a kind, simple, "No I am not available for company" was enough...i was kind, polite, not rude, but its MY business WHY I want my down time this evening...
i no longer, after I do a quicky step 10 feel like I have to argue or justify, or explain or defend ANYTHING boundary wise, my rights, my needs/wants/preferences/what I don't want, etc, to ANYONE as long as I am not hurting their boundaries or being unkind
GREAT topic, David
Maresie888 said
Oct 14, 2020
Well for.me first the great success is being alive
One psychoatrist I.met at a conference told me my peers were either in prison or dead
The kind of abuse snd negoect you survived as a child is incredibke. The fact you did not become a narcissist is alsk a real feat
Furthermore you do more than give back. You participate in a dialogie thst is healing, stimulating abd creative
In the modern world what is held up.as success is actually very unheathy.
We have to findew definitins of succsss. One is to stop.seeing ourseves as victims of circumstances. The other is t kmw he t give back wthout exhaustmg oursekves. Another crucial marer of success is also finding a way to be creative .
I know in NZ you have not had the fall out from the corona virus pandemict the rest of the wiorld has. Nevertheless your calm measured resibse had been extremely helpful
I know that in years to come I will look back on this watwsedyear as turining point.
DavidG said
Oct 14, 2020
I can see this watershed year unfolding for you Maresie.
From when I was a kid I wanted better for myself. I sought it.
I see it right here- in this group- in your own shares. It is humbling, it is awesome-
to share this witness, right here... healing... truly... ...
I have heard the J.A.D.E. akronym on overseas forums- but never in NZ.
So I never paid much need to it- until recently. I suppose I do need it now- so I embrace it- and make it my own...
I have a little trouble with one part of it- the "E". I always like to explain things- myself, etc...
I know I love to offer input when people ask me. If people haven't it can be really tedious- pointless.
In the room it is different. Maybe a lot of us are in the same boat. Put thoughts and ideas haven't been listened to- maybe for long periods of time. Starved for attention. But we do understand each other, and over time we do learn how to deal with this.
I was born 1951 and came through a school system where kids were seen and not heard. In fact kids were strapped with leather- if they stepped over that line.
This is powerful conditioning, especially if it is backed up and enforced at home.
Making up for lost time... I do try to listen up...
...and I do appreciate it when I am heard too.
-D.
The abject neglect i experienced in my childhood is very very difficult to work through. I have come a long long way.
In the fsce of slcoholism it is hard to find ways to respond. Indeed it requires great skill and patience to do that
When you look at Maslow's hierachy of need I did not get off the first rung. Thetefore my exoectations of myself are also way off.
I think seeing the response to the alcoholic's behavior as a desperate way to fulfil needs is pretty astute
However up against an slcoholic who has been refinimg their manipulation skills for decades it is pretty hopeless.
Sometimes I am in awe of the qualifier's ability ti reboumd. .
Yout resilience in the face of so much abuse and neglect us formidable
Good share, David!
& 
I think it is interesting what slogans make it around the world. Each area seems to make them their own.
J.A.D.E. is a great acronym. What I found when I first was introduced to this concept, was more about ME than my qualifier!
I struggled b/c I just could not stop trying to EXPLAIN my POV. I felt that if I just explained things logically, then things would change, I would be heard and respected, etc. It took quite awhile for me to accept that the disease of Addiction just doesn't care about logic!! LOL!
AS I hear more about your life as a youngster, I too am impressed with the adult you are now!
My noun for myself is RESILIENT. I believe it is yours too!
A member recently said to me that is is a gradual program, not a graduate program.
15 years i might have argued back and blue about that one- mostly with myself.
I do thing there are turning points and milestones, as each layer of the onion is peeled off.
I used to wonder what was going to be left- in the middle of the onion!
Mostly, today I can fall back on the serenity prayer, having once again tackled something I had no hope of changing!
...
but then reflecting on the little successes on the other side of the ledger.
Making my life more liveable and comfortable- and helping to make the world a tiny bit better...
...
I go to a meditation group down the hill at the village hall. [From the days when it still was a village!]
I volunteered to open up next Tuesday morning...
...taking some aspects of our recovery- out into the wider world.
...
-- Edited by DavidG on Tuesday 13th of October 2020 11:07:52 PM
David,
You are heard and very much appreciated.
Blessings!
Temple
for me, the terrible abuse AND abandonment, caused me comples/childhood PTSD...and back then, the feelings of being unwanted and useless, etc., taught me that I had to "explain" my existance?? my rights to anything?? even hunger, one had to J A D E why they wanted to eat at a particular time...because I am HUNGRY, but with those people, if it did not fit his scedule, too bad...She was too drunk to really know what was going on....
abandonment is the big pre-cursor of the J A D E thing, IMO....abandonment made me feel totally useless, unwanted (which to them I was) and it really cratered my sense of self, self esteem, forget self love, I hated me because if your own parents don't want you, who will???
Luckily, I got enough of a respite from that with my loving MY family of choice, that wonderful family where the 2 sisters whom I adored are both, now, deceased...mom and dad went first, he was first, then mom, then the 2 girls...I have no clue where brother Herbie is, he just is MIA to everyone, but THOSE wonderful people DID want me , I probably would have lost my sanity entirely had it not been for them and my loving aunt and uncle, uncle was his brother but Polar opposite of what he was...so I did get SOME relief, the monster just would not let me go, I had TWO loving families who tried very very hard to get full custody and even adopt me, I think mom would have cut me loose to save me, but he was NOT gonna let go....the only "touching" I ever got was the horrible, dark, ugly touch from him, or a slapping from her...
the damage to my self esteem was horrid, I know it killed mom and dad Godfrey to watch me just die inch by inch...they thought it was her drinking and the alcoholic chaos she caused...
anyway, I sorta got off track...when I J A D E , I journal my fears and my feelings...what triggered me to think I have to Justify a boundary or argue a point of view, its my right!! or why do I have to defend myself?? not sure of me?? step 10...and to explain why I don't want to do this or that when "NO" is a one word sentence
today, my neighbor who has let me down TWICE over promises to do some upgrades to my car, I finally found a wonderful mobil Mechanic to take care of my needs for reasonable...I have a nice Honda SUV that I want to take very good care of so Monday was brakes.....my neighbor called me today and i answered the phone and just said, "hello, I am busy, whats up???" he asked me if I got my brakes done?? and I said "yes" and that was it...No explaining, just "yes" and I added to that "i'm busy, I cannot talk now"
so today , he texts me and wants to come over to "talk things out" I merely said "no, I am not available for company" end of sentence...I don't have to explain WHY I want to be by myself to grieve over my dead loved one...or Justify, why I don't want someones company....a kind, simple, "No I am not available for company" was enough...i was kind, polite, not rude, but its MY business WHY I want my down time this evening...
i no longer, after I do a quicky step 10 feel like I have to argue or justify, or explain or defend ANYTHING boundary wise, my rights, my needs/wants/preferences/what I don't want, etc, to ANYONE as long as I am not hurting their boundaries or being unkind
GREAT topic, David
Well for.me first the great success is being alive
One psychoatrist I.met at a conference told me my peers were either in prison or dead
The kind of abuse snd negoect you survived as a child is incredibke. The fact you did not become a narcissist is alsk a real feat
Furthermore you do more than give back. You participate in a dialogie thst is healing, stimulating abd creative
In the modern world what is held up.as success is actually very unheathy.
We have to findew definitins of succsss. One is to stop.seeing ourseves as victims of circumstances. The other is t kmw he t give back wthout exhaustmg oursekves. Another crucial marer of success is also finding a way to be creative .
I know in NZ you have not had the fall out from the corona virus pandemict the rest of the wiorld has. Nevertheless your calm measured resibse had been extremely helpful
I know that in years to come I will look back on this watwsedyear as turining point.
From when I was a kid I wanted better for myself. I sought it.
I see it right here- in this group- in your own shares. It is humbling, it is awesome-
to share this witness, right here... healing... truly...
...