I am struggling again (but I know it's part of my recovery and progress not perfection). Long story short, but I have been separated from my AH for nearly 2 months now and while I had hoped to feel happiness, I am struggling again to fully let go. I realise that because of my past, I have trouble with relationships ending as I feel such a sense of loss, regardless of how bad those relationships were for me. I feel lonely and I guess this Covid situation isn't helping. I know I am mourning for something that was never what I wanted it to be, but I still feel the loss none the less.
So I am focusing on the fact that I took the huge step of leaving the relationship and being proud that I did at least do that. The rest will come in time.
Thank you for listening. BT x
JerryF said
Oct 12, 2020
Aloha BT and grateful for your honest share. I relate because I have been there and done that often enough. My relationship were with addicted women and being an addicted man myself the outcomes were terrible. I went from one to the other not knowing what I was doing or how to make my life better. When I finally arrived at the doors of the Al-Anon Family Groups with my mind and ears open I started to understand...only started and then went on to listen and learn avidly including college and inventories. I was built to make the mistakes I made as I was born and raised an enabler in this family disease on both my mother and father's sides of the family. I learned my family needed the enabler and I reluctantly fulfilled the role.
I learned that for me relationships need the giver and taker yet there has to be boundaries which I had not learned yet so I became one-sided with all of the consequences for that which are spoken about and studied. I learned in this program that we are at our best not practicing perfection but relying on progression. That is the part of my relationships I had to learn; if she doesn't do her part "Ohhh well". I learned to include a relationship who would allow me to carry on during the Ohhh well periods of time and that entity being a power greater than myself who supports and guides me to better outcomes thru better decisions and behaviors.
My loss experiences are now short to part time. Yes I don't like it when they are occurring as my spouse does in her way...she struggles with them also and that is progression. I feel sad for anyone that goes thru what we go thru. Going thru this just one day at a time makes it all more manageable. I have the tools of our program to use mind, body, spirit end emotions. The old tools of blame and shame get stored deeper into the back of the closet. Haven't forgotten how to hug and kiss and say "I'm sorry" and "Yeah, crap that hurt too".
And then I keep coming back especially to this program and this board where I can learn more about experiencing loss.
Thank you again for your honest share and please keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
SunnyFrogs said
Oct 12, 2020
Hi there Bettertomorrow
I'm glad you're focusing on the positives of the situation and are hopeful about your future.
Maresie888 said
Oct 12, 2020
Going into a relationship takes a lot of courage. Leaving one especially in tact ('speaking as someone who always left barely crawling away) is also an act of courage
For me grieving my family of origin has been a matter of grieving what never was. Certainly there were not very many moments of anything approaching normal in my family life. Thst was extremely painful for me to comprehend let alone come to terms with
The same goes for relationships which were tumultuous to say the least. Of course my expectations of them were unreal. I have to work pretty hard on getting to reasonable expectstions of myself.
Losing a relationship.was devastating to me not for ehat I had which was usually pretty meager (,I could not tolerate more than that) was all about my expectations. My expectations were of course born from unmet needs which was impossible to even think about let alone grieve.
Then there are of course the reasonable expectations of any relationship which an alcoholic generally manages to short circuit pretty quickly. Needlees to say I was alway dominated in those relationships. In fact I always tolerated the subordinate role in order to try to squeeze out something I bought as a version of #caring#
That is one of the paradoxs of the al anon program for me. Givung up exoectations of the alcoholic was key. Yet having reasonable expectations in every relationshio is appropriate
I clung to that notion for a long time. After all I was entitled to a reasonable relationship. However from day one with an alcoholic there was nothing reasonable about it
Grieving a relationshio that never was is worthwhile because it is a oathway to finding ourselves
For me grieving the relationshio that never was with so many people is a continuation of my childhood.
The sister who never was (my younget sister is an akcoholic);?older sister is a psychopath whose manipulation skills are supremely honed. Grieving those relationships that never were went through many incarnations to acceptance. Acceptance being a place I never thought I would reach.
Al anon has heloed me immensely in grieving these relationships that never were anything remotely nuturing. I am so thrilled for you that you can give yourself the time and space to grow. What an incredible gift
Maresie
PosiesandPuppies said
Oct 13, 2020
((((BT))))
Just wanted to offer you support. I can relate completely. My divorce was final 2 years ago, and this month is my "anniversary month" for our marriage. I find that I am missing my Ex terribly right now. But I am only thinking of the man he was, not the man he is, nor the person I am!! I remind myself that I could not live with my marriage the way it was, and I looked long and hard at myself (through Al-Anon), and I accepted that I couldn't live with addiction in my life (even the possibility of relapse). That uncertainty just wasn't something I was willing to take on. I made the right decision. I still stand by that. But I have yet to master remembering the good times without sorrow. I am progress not perfection.
Hang in there BT! I try and remind myself that I always research, think things through... it is just my nature. So my decisions were not willy-nilly. They were for a good and strong reason then, and I need to remember to validate them now, b/c as humans, it is our nature to let the "bad memories" drop away. Perhaps you are the same.
Keep sharing those thoughts... we are here to support and validate you!
&
Iamhere said
Oct 13, 2020
(((BT))) - there is no shame ever in grieving the end of a relationship - no matter the good/bad equation of it. We each have to go through what we have to go through to get 'there'...and there is typically different for each of us. I 100% agree that this pandemic and virus are probably not helping - I believe that it has affected everyone, and not in a positive way. I do agree with Jerry in that no matter what's going on in my life and in my heart/head, it does seem much more doable, one day at a time.
Keep coming back and know you're not alone!! Love your outlook - progress, not perfection!!
Bettertomorrow said
Oct 14, 2020
Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. I truly am living one day at a time at the moment and being kind to myself. Your kind shares have reminded me to look at what reality is rather than what used to be and that I am courageous for taking the step to leave. Thank you BT x
Hi fellow friends,
I am struggling again (but I know it's part of my recovery and progress not perfection). Long story short, but I have been separated from my AH for nearly 2 months now and while I had hoped to feel happiness, I am struggling again to fully let go. I realise that because of my past, I have trouble with relationships ending as I feel such a sense of loss, regardless of how bad those relationships were for me. I feel lonely and I guess this Covid situation isn't helping. I know I am mourning for something that was never what I wanted it to be, but I still feel the loss none the less.
So I am focusing on the fact that I took the huge step of leaving the relationship and being proud that I did at least do that. The rest will come in time.
Thank you for listening. BT x
Aloha BT and grateful for your honest share. I relate because I have been there and done that often enough. My relationship were with addicted women and being an addicted man myself the outcomes were terrible. I went from one to the other not knowing what I was doing or how to make my life better. When I finally arrived at the doors of the Al-Anon Family Groups with my mind and ears open I started to understand...only started and then went on to listen and learn avidly including college and inventories. I was built to make the mistakes I made as I was born and raised an enabler in this family disease on both my mother and father's sides of the family. I learned my family needed the enabler and I reluctantly fulfilled the role.
I learned that for me relationships need the giver and taker yet there has to be boundaries which I had not learned yet so I became one-sided with all of the consequences for that which are spoken about and studied. I learned in this program that we are at our best not practicing perfection but relying on progression. That is the part of my relationships I had to learn; if she doesn't do her part "Ohhh well". I learned to include a relationship who would allow me to carry on during the Ohhh well periods of time and that entity being a power greater than myself who supports and guides me to better outcomes thru better decisions and behaviors.
My loss experiences are now short to part time. Yes I don't like it when they are occurring as my spouse does in her way...she struggles with them also and that is progression. I feel sad for anyone that goes thru what we go thru. Going thru this just one day at a time makes it all more manageable. I have the tools of our program to use mind, body, spirit end emotions. The old tools of blame and shame get stored deeper into the back of the closet. Haven't forgotten how to hug and kiss and say "I'm sorry" and "Yeah, crap that hurt too".
And then I keep coming back especially to this program and this board where I can learn more about experiencing loss.
Thank you again for your honest share and please keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
I'm glad you're focusing on the positives of the situation and are hopeful about your future.
Going into a relationship takes a lot of courage. Leaving one especially in tact ('speaking as someone who always left barely crawling away) is also an act of courage
For me grieving my family of origin has been a matter of grieving what never was. Certainly there were not very many moments of anything approaching normal in my family life. Thst was extremely painful for me to comprehend let alone come to terms with
The same goes for relationships which were tumultuous to say the least. Of course my expectations of them were unreal. I have to work pretty hard on getting to reasonable expectstions of myself.
Losing a relationship.was devastating to me not for ehat I had which was usually pretty meager (,I could not tolerate more than that) was all about my expectations. My expectations were of course born from unmet needs which was impossible to even think about let alone grieve.
Then there are of course the reasonable expectations of any relationship which an alcoholic generally manages to short circuit pretty quickly. Needlees to say I was alway dominated in those relationships. In fact I always tolerated the subordinate role in order to try to squeeze out something I bought as a version of #caring#
That is one of the paradoxs of the al anon program for me. Givung up exoectations of the alcoholic was key. Yet having reasonable expectations in every relationshio is appropriate
I clung to that notion for a long time. After all I was entitled to a reasonable relationship. However from day one with an alcoholic there was nothing reasonable about it
Grieving a relationshio that never was is worthwhile because it is a oathway to finding ourselves
For me grieving the relationshio that never was with so many people is a continuation of my childhood.
The sister who never was (my younget sister is an akcoholic);?older sister is a psychopath whose manipulation skills are supremely honed. Grieving those relationships that never were went through many incarnations to acceptance. Acceptance being a place I never thought I would reach.
Al anon has heloed me immensely in grieving these relationships that never were anything remotely nuturing. I am so thrilled for you that you can give yourself the time and space to grow. What an incredible gift
Maresie
((((BT))))
& 
Just wanted to offer you support. I can relate completely. My divorce was final 2 years ago, and this month is my "anniversary month" for our marriage. I find that I am missing my Ex terribly right now. But I am only thinking of the man he was, not the man he is, nor the person I am!! I remind myself that I could not live with my marriage the way it was, and I looked long and hard at myself (through Al-Anon), and I accepted that I couldn't live with addiction in my life (even the possibility of relapse). That uncertainty just wasn't something I was willing to take on. I made the right decision. I still stand by that. But I have yet to master remembering the good times without sorrow. I am progress not perfection.
Hang in there BT! I try and remind myself that I always research, think things through... it is just my nature. So my decisions were not willy-nilly. They were for a good and strong reason then, and I need to remember to validate them now, b/c as humans, it is our nature to let the "bad memories" drop away. Perhaps you are the same.
Keep sharing those thoughts... we are here to support and validate you!
(((BT))) - there is no shame ever in grieving the end of a relationship - no matter the good/bad equation of it. We each have to go through what we have to go through to get 'there'...and there is typically different for each of us. I 100% agree that this pandemic and virus are probably not helping - I believe that it has affected everyone, and not in a positive way. I do agree with Jerry in that no matter what's going on in my life and in my heart/head, it does seem much more doable, one day at a time.
Keep coming back and know you're not alone!! Love your outlook - progress, not perfection!!