Newbie again picking up the solutions from the past.
JerryF said
Oct 4, 2020
I am not really surprised at the relapse I got kicked by and the outcome. I am back in the neighborhood where this all began; disease awareness and recovery learning and work. I am surprised how disrespectful and nasty it is in hanging on to each and every fault it used to take me down and then attempt to keep me down. I can see, hear, and feel the crap I dealt with when I first got here (Clovis CA.) and then realized I was very sick as a victim of alcoholism and then couldn't and wouldn't just drink or think my way out of it. I returned without knowing I had returned and when I realized it I am sitting and visualizing what I learned then all over again now. I don't like me as I didn't like me then...what a uncaring and sarcastic turkey I was then and now to see it thru new lenses I feel the anticipation of getting it back right.
Back to the literature and steps and investigations of doing it right; the opposite of what I was doing that caused me pain. I've got tools and experience still. My HP still guides me thru and over the bumps. I have a program member with experience to share and I have all the time in the world.
I went to inventory first and hated my thoughts, feelings and actions. I made the list of the people I hurt and started my amends without justifications or "poor me's" and I found my HP waiting still to assist me. I have less expectations of how this will work out because it is still me; the old/still as before me and expectations play in my EGO room leaving it messed up.
I will be here daily...listening and learning. Mahalo for your love and ESH. (((Hugs)))
Lyne said
Oct 5, 2020
{{{Jerry}}}. As humans we all have setbacks. I spent most of the summer in one myself, my coping skills not working as they did and feeling poorly about myself. The self-doubt and emotional abuse is not helpful. And what did I do and what are you doing? We leaned into program to get back on track. I am mostly there and from what I know about you, your strong alanon self will return shortly. Let us be gentle with ourselves and treat ourselves with compassion, the same way we usually treat others. Progress not perfection.
PosiesandPuppies said
Oct 5, 2020
It is a journey of a thousand steps.... at least! Hugs to you. I always love reading your awareness. &
JerryF said
Oct 5, 2020
Just a part of what I have dragged myself and my Higher Power into was the sarcasm reaction with 2 medical professionals who were helping me regain some vision. It happened and then I realized it happened and then I realized both of these men were doing me good and doing it very well. I self reacted "What the hell!" and then am left with the solutions...the amends to them and amends to me. I am watchful and watchful for the return of the corrections I learned to make in the early years of program.
Higher Power and I went thru lessons during the night and early morning hours and that was blessing time. I feel like others who have touched me with their recoveries that over the right amount of time and practice, it will come out better for all involved. The numbers of those this has touched is many. Geeez. Thanks for listening and sharing your ESH. ((((HUGS))))
Iamhere said
Oct 5, 2020
(((Jerry))) - great share, lovely awareness ... which as we're told typically leads to acceptance and action. I have BTDT - Been There, Done That - found myself wondering what just happened within me to return to an old habit I thought I left behind along my recovery journey. As I sat with myself and assessed what just happened, I struggled to find something I did or did not do that might have contributed. Needless to say, fast answers or reasons did not come to me, and in time, I just decided I needed to do as you're doing - revisit what has worked for me in the past, and possibly be even more mindful and present.
Iamhere said
Oct 5, 2020
Well - I wasn't done, yet posted when I was trying to edit....my bad. I've come to believe that the God of my understanding really does want me to be happy, joyous and free. When I falter, fall down, or screw up, it is I who beats me up/feels bad/looks for failure - not HP. I trust what others who came before me tell me - it's OK to be human, imperfect, etc. It's what I do with that aspect of my life and experience that matters. If I learn from 'it', I'm still progressing forward. If I justify and rationalize plus throw blame/shame at others, I'm not. I've been told that in recovery, we're either moving forward or moving backwards - there's no standing still or resting on our laurels.
I must accept that even with the best of intent and efforts, I have been affected by a cunning, baffling, powerful disease that led me to develop unhealthy coping/defense mechanisms. In my case, I used many for a long, long time and they worked until they didn't. I am not thrilled when they pop back up, yet accept it as a learned response which I am trying to change with better, healthier responses.
No matter my actual age/stage, I believe I began real 'adulting' in recovery. Some days, it's easy and other days, it's really hard.
I feel great relief to have a program with tools to help me when I am wrong. The final step that is easier said than done at times is to Let Go and Let God. Love yourself brother, and know that it was a blip of a slip, a moment in a day, not a defect that has come back to roost!!! (((Hugs)))
Maresie888 said
Oct 5, 2020
I.find medical issues very very trying. Part of this was because I most certainly neglected myself chronically for years. Of course self neglect was my bottom line because that as my norm. My.childhood was one of dire deprivation and negkect as well as frightening violence
. Then I.began a series of relationships that repeated that same deprivation on different levels no.matter how I played it. Being numb.and in the throes of ptsd I.was dealing with flashbacks for decades. Learning to interpret those flashbacks was a big task that involved grear attention to detail and of course an ability to believe I could survive
Then there is this lingering reality that I certainly.never planned to get to.this olace or age at anytime. That is why I put.myself in the way of so many awful.situations so compulsively to short circuit such a notion as peace and cintentment.
There are certain places people and things that most assuredly.bring up.many inresolved issues. Do I.have to beat myself up about that? Not really
My.over reaction to certain issues is no.where near as destructive now to where I was mired in violence and chaos on a miute by minute basis
In fact this oandemic and of course the out of control fires is one reason I have had to slow down. For once I am beginning to think about rest and recuperation
I have a long list of medical issues I have to conte d with. I know each of them has their own triggers. Being around doctors abd hospitas brings up many memories of when I was a child. I have also had to deal with major medical issues in this year of cascadung public health emergencies.
I.am pacimg myself going through these medical ossues. After all we live in extraordinary times. There is no #given# or #routine# at this time. While I.try to move towards my goals, given these extraordinary times, I.am able to.give myself some emotional soace. My.expectations of oerfection have had to fall away. Moreover I am willing to see that these extraordinary times brings a need for even more patience, detachment and deft precise skills than I.could conceive of before There is no
Short cut to getting a new skill set. However, just as I would with a small child I.am wilimg to.see this as progress rather than a set back. I soent many yeaes of my life drowning in certain triggers. Certainky.ny.4 month sojourn with the ex roommate taught me that.
I.saw my.roommate on the weekend (very briefly) and rathet than be filled with resentment (which is my norm) I was so grateful to not have to deal with his compulsive need to make his oroblems a refection on.me and my orojected unworthiness. Giving up the scapegoat role is a revelation
I no longer have to beat myself to.smithereens when. I. encounter a skills gap. Nor do I need to try to.find sone impossibly ridiculous person to rescue me from any situation at hand
Priogress.not perfection
Maresie
canadianguy said
Oct 8, 2020
You are strong and wise my friend.... your program and your new thoughts will guide you through this.... you are now a leader, albeit a humble one
hugs,
Tom
JerryF said
Oct 8, 2020
Good to hear from you brother even though your pat on the back caused me to put the carnation back into my lapel. currently I have had to use everything I have been handed and used since I have been here and I pray often daily for my HP to walk with His hand on my shoulder. I am in Clovis CA. now where the eye of the cyclone happened and also where I decided to get in and stay in the program. I didn't realize that old thoughts, feelings and behaviors would return with out prior notice when they wanted to. Blessed to have the steps to keep the crises down yet working this program regularly makes it simpler yet not perfect. (LOL) did I just say perfect?
I will be keeping my eyes open for your shares also Tom. Mahalo. ((((hugs))))
I am not really surprised at the relapse I got kicked by and the outcome. I am back in the neighborhood where this all began; disease awareness and recovery learning and work. I am surprised how disrespectful and nasty it is in hanging on to each and every fault it used to take me down and then attempt to keep me down. I can see, hear, and feel the crap I dealt with when I first got here (Clovis CA.) and then realized I was very sick as a victim of alcoholism and then couldn't and wouldn't just drink or think my way out of it. I returned without knowing I had returned and when I realized it I am sitting and visualizing what I learned then all over again now. I don't like me as I didn't like me then...what a uncaring and sarcastic turkey I was then and now to see it thru new lenses I feel the anticipation of getting it back right.
Back to the literature and steps and investigations of doing it right; the opposite of what I was doing that caused me pain. I've got tools and experience still. My HP still guides me thru and over the bumps. I have a program member with experience to share and I have all the time in the world.
I went to inventory first and hated my thoughts, feelings and actions. I made the list of the people I hurt and started my amends without justifications or "poor me's" and I found my HP waiting still to assist me. I have less expectations of how this will work out because it is still me; the old/still as before me and expectations play in my EGO room leaving it messed up.
I will be here daily...listening and learning. Mahalo for your love and ESH. (((Hugs)))
Just a part of what I have dragged myself and my Higher Power into was the sarcasm reaction with 2 medical professionals who were helping me regain some vision. It happened and then I realized it happened and then I realized both of these men were doing me good and doing it very well. I self reacted "What the hell!" and then am left with the solutions...the amends to them and amends to me. I am watchful and watchful for the return of the corrections I learned to make in the early years of program.
Higher Power and I went thru lessons during the night and early morning hours and that was blessing time. I feel like others who have touched me with their recoveries that over the right amount of time and practice, it will come out better for all involved. The numbers of those this has touched is many. Geeez. Thanks for listening and sharing your ESH. ((((HUGS))))
Well - I wasn't done, yet posted when I was trying to edit....my bad. I've come to believe that the God of my understanding really does want me to be happy, joyous and free. When I falter, fall down, or screw up, it is I who beats me up/feels bad/looks for failure - not HP. I trust what others who came before me tell me - it's OK to be human, imperfect, etc. It's what I do with that aspect of my life and experience that matters. If I learn from 'it', I'm still progressing forward. If I justify and rationalize plus throw blame/shame at others, I'm not. I've been told that in recovery, we're either moving forward or moving backwards - there's no standing still or resting on our laurels.
I must accept that even with the best of intent and efforts, I have been affected by a cunning, baffling, powerful disease that led me to develop unhealthy coping/defense mechanisms. In my case, I used many for a long, long time and they worked until they didn't. I am not thrilled when they pop back up, yet accept it as a learned response which I am trying to change with better, healthier responses.
No matter my actual age/stage, I believe I began real 'adulting' in recovery. Some days, it's easy and other days, it's really hard.
I feel great relief to have a program with tools to help me when I am wrong. The final step that is easier said than done at times is to Let Go and Let God. Love yourself brother, and know that it was a blip of a slip, a moment in a day, not a defect that has come back to roost!!! (((Hugs)))
You are strong and wise my friend.... your program and your new thoughts will guide you through this.... you are now a leader, albeit a humble one
hugs,
Tom
Good to hear from you brother even though your pat on the back caused me to put the carnation back into my lapel. currently I have had to use everything I have been handed and used since I have been here and I pray often daily for my HP to walk with His hand on my shoulder. I am in Clovis CA. now where the eye of the cyclone happened and also where I decided to get in and stay in the program. I didn't realize that old thoughts, feelings and behaviors would return with out prior notice when they wanted to. Blessed to have the steps to keep the crises down yet working this program regularly makes it simpler yet not perfect. (LOL) did I just say perfect?
I will be keeping my eyes open for your shares also Tom. Mahalo. ((((hugs))))