Posting early for tomorrow....the reading discusses the reality that all humans want to fit in and be a part of. Balance is the key and most of us who arrived at Al-Anon affected by this disease lost our balance along the way. People pleasing becomes destructive when we ignore our own needs and sacrifice continually for the sake of others.
This program helps us find a compromise that allows us to respond to our feelings and desire to belong and be a part of with taking care of ourselves. We find the best way to maintain this balance is to build self-esteem. When we treat ourselves with kindness and respect, we become better able to get along with others.
Reminder: I will appreciate that ll of my instincts and feelings exist for a reason. Today, instead of trying to banish these feelings, I will strive to find a balance.
Quote from Hillel: "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And if I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now --- When?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am not one for labels so don't consider myself a people pleaser, now or in the past. What I can own is a continuous practice of putting others and their needs/wants in front of my own. I also was reasonably miserable simply because I was not caring for myself and nobody was stepping up for me!
What I have discovered is that when I put me first and take good care of me, being of service to others is vastly different than doing for others what they can/should do for themselves. I learned that Yes and No are complete sentences, and my long-standing practice of JADE is of no value. When I value me, and accept myself as perfectly imperfect, I can approach each day as a unique experience vs. a continuation. This helps me keep my expectations low, embrace the present and practice better one day at a time. I am far from perfect at balance yet continue to practice....hoping always for progress. I am grateful that Al-Anon has given me a different way to think, live and love than before.
Make your Thursday great all - it's a choice! I am golfing in the morning and then volunteering in the afternoon/evening. (((Hugs)))
bud said
Sep 16, 2020
Great topic Iamhere and it especially speaks to me today.
I'm struggling with the feeling of not belonging and not fitting in. Part of this is my ego and obsessing and part of it is challenging circumstances. It's hard for me to know where ego/obsessing and not fitting in separate from the challenge that might make it so. I feel the strong weight of negativity and can't tell if it's my imagination monkey brain in overdrive or if it is an accurate assessment.
Reading that I can appreciate my feelings and instincts exist for a reason, gives them a place to sit within. I can accept they feel uncomfortable at the moment as I focus on the facts over the fears and insecurities.
I ask my heart and HP, "what would you have me do?" I ask my HP to hold my hand and give comfort that this too shall pass. I'm in process of finding what I need to give to myself rather than rely on outside sources... one of my ways of giving myself love and self-care. Looking for balance, one minute at a time.
Thank you for your helpful topic and share.
DavidG said
Sep 17, 2020
Thanks IAm, and Bud... ...
It is a darned cliche but I was always a round peg in a square hole. Very much so.Good to stand out and stand up for things sometimes.
Other times blend in, hum and whisper. ...
I have probably read or heard this reading scores of times. Water under the bridge. In one ear, and out the other?
It all does add up- to a life worth living. ...
mamalioness said
Sep 17, 2020
thanks IAH for your service.........boy I could relate to your share...WOW!!! I needed to see this as a reminder that I am on the right track with my "change me therapy, inside and out"
I was not really a people pleaser either, but if it was a guy, romantic relationship, I did put his needs in front of my own, as well, and i ended up being constantly resentful, then i would dump the guy for MY MESS UP
Now, Thanks to program, I take care of ME first and meet MY needs first and THEN help those who want to help themselves...not the takers, but honest people who need a boost as they try to help themselves.....and yea, no more JADE for me either....I can say "NO" and no more to it....I use to JADE something awful...I had to "defend" my RIGHT to take care of me....I was BAD!!!! ...hell...I JADE'D my own existence at times., I was so shame based.....Now, I am happy with just good progress....if i did my best, I am OK....and yep, lowered my expectations a while ago and feel less resentment and stress.....I now say "I CAN" and if it does not work out, I can get over it better...
I really enjoyed reading your share!!!!!
Iamhere said
Sep 17, 2020
Oops - I put the wrong date.....my bad - this is the page for 9/17 actually!! I can readily admit that evenings are just not prime thinking time for me!!
Maresie888 said
Sep 17, 2020
Fitting in was pretty dificilt for me. Ww were all assigned roles in our family. I was the scapegoat so I was blamed for everything..
So i have akways felt left out, isolated and a fish out of water. Going to 12 step prograns was a place where I belonged and was wrlcomed.
Healthy self regard means I stop outting myself last in life. Of course I have always done that in order to quench the undertow of aloneness and lets not forget abandonment. In the beginning in a relationshio, I could justify this comouulsive behavior as a way to show love(or rather simole desperation). . It is not a coincidence that I have tended to associate with those who felt absolutly entitled. I would be reduced to a door mat endlessly punished for my unability to do more desoite heroic efforts.
This year of course has been one of heroic effort for me, being displaced, losing jobs (because of the pandemic) dealing with overbearing entitled oeople (both at home and at work,), pandemics, debt and last but not least significant health problems which rendered ne bed ridden
There was no room with all these events for me to sacrifice myself again. So I dod not end uo deoressed and virtually penniless as I did with the qualifjer
I didnt exhaust myself into non.existence.
I cannot wait for this year to be over so I navigate a time without serial catastrophe's. I am waiting for the calm.
Progress not oerfection.
Maresur
Posting early for tomorrow....the reading discusses the reality that all humans want to fit in and be a part of. Balance is the key and most of us who arrived at Al-Anon affected by this disease lost our balance along the way. People pleasing becomes destructive when we ignore our own needs and sacrifice continually for the sake of others.
This program helps us find a compromise that allows us to respond to our feelings and desire to belong and be a part of with taking care of ourselves. We find the best way to maintain this balance is to build self-esteem. When we treat ourselves with kindness and respect, we become better able to get along with others.
Reminder: I will appreciate that ll of my instincts and feelings exist for a reason. Today, instead of trying to banish these feelings, I will strive to find a balance.
Quote from Hillel: "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And if I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now --- When?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am not one for labels so don't consider myself a people pleaser, now or in the past. What I can own is a continuous practice of putting others and their needs/wants in front of my own. I also was reasonably miserable simply because I was not caring for myself and nobody was stepping up for me!
What I have discovered is that when I put me first and take good care of me, being of service to others is vastly different than doing for others what they can/should do for themselves. I learned that Yes and No are complete sentences, and my long-standing practice of JADE is of no value. When I value me, and accept myself as perfectly imperfect, I can approach each day as a unique experience vs. a continuation. This helps me keep my expectations low, embrace the present and practice better one day at a time. I am far from perfect at balance yet continue to practice....hoping always for progress. I am grateful that Al-Anon has given me a different way to think, live and love than before.
Make your Thursday great all - it's a choice! I am golfing in the morning and then volunteering in the afternoon/evening. (((Hugs)))
I'm struggling with the feeling of not belonging and not fitting in. Part of this is my ego and obsessing and part of it is challenging circumstances. It's hard for me to know where ego/obsessing and not fitting in separate from the challenge that might make it so. I feel the strong weight of negativity and can't tell if it's my imagination monkey brain in overdrive or if it is an accurate assessment.
Reading that I can appreciate my feelings and instincts exist for a reason, gives them a place to sit within. I can accept they feel uncomfortable at the moment as I focus on the facts over the fears and insecurities.
I ask my heart and HP, "what would you have me do?" I ask my HP to hold my hand and give comfort that this too shall pass. I'm in process of finding what I need to give to myself rather than rely on outside sources... one of my ways of giving myself love and self-care. Looking for balance, one minute at a time.
Thank you for your helpful topic and share.
Thanks IAm, and Bud...
...
It is a darned cliche but I was always a round peg in a square hole. Very much so.Good to stand out and stand up for things sometimes.
Other times blend in, hum and whisper.
...
I have probably read or heard this reading scores of times. Water under the bridge. In one ear, and out the other?
It all does add up- to a life worth living.
...
I was not really a people pleaser either, but if it was a guy, romantic relationship, I did put his needs in front of my own, as well, and i ended up being constantly resentful, then i would dump the guy for MY MESS UP
Now, Thanks to program, I take care of ME first and meet MY needs first and THEN help those who want to help themselves...not the takers, but honest people who need a boost as they try to help themselves.....and yea, no more JADE for me either....I can say "NO" and no more to it....I use to JADE something awful...I had to "defend" my RIGHT to take care of me....I was BAD!!!! ...hell...I JADE'D my own existence at times., I was so shame based.....Now, I am happy with just good progress....if i did my best, I am OK....and yep, lowered my expectations a while ago and feel less resentment and stress.....I now say "I CAN" and if it does not work out, I can get over it better...
I really enjoyed reading your share!!!!!