So while going through the process of divorcing my AH we are still in the same house. Every day I get my guilt trip lectures from 15 minutes to an hour, then switches to begging and pleading, then repeat. On the days and nights he decides to argue with me that it's my fault and leave to a friend's house, I always text or call to make sure he is safe. Sometimes I get a text back most times he will not even answer the phone when I call. I know I initiated the divorce because I must not cause I want to. But why do I feel even more lonely when he's gone? Yes, I'm not getting guilt tripped or berated, but I feel just so alone. Then I get sad he wont answer my phone call. He is out hanging with friends and dosen't have the time for me. I know I am to be alone after the divorce....I miss him, my bestfriend when he is gone but then upon his return its straight back to the guilt trips.
Why do I feel the loneliest when he ignores me?
Iamhere said
Sep 16, 2020
Kokopelli - when I read your share, what popped to the front of my mind was grief. I didn't realize that one could grieve another still living until I got to Al-Anon. I honestly hadn't considered the word, the meaning and the process until having similar feelings. For me, as this disease began and progressed in both my sons, I truly had to grieve my hopes, dreams, relationship, etc. as this disease took over. To this day, I grieve who were were before and so much more. I do what I can to fill my days and life with things that make me happy and people who want to be with me and enjoy me - not change me, critique me, judge me, etc.
I am sorry for all that is and for what you're feeling. Letting go of another that you've loved for a while is not easy, no matter the reason/cause/etc. Allow yourself to go through this so you can heal. While it may not feel like it, this too shall pass. Keep coming back - please know you aren't alone.
Maresie888 said
Sep 18, 2020
One of the therapists whose work Infollow says much grief work is about grieving the person who never was
I had incredible expectations on my relationships. I think they were born from overwhelming need. When I got to the point of being willing to let go.of a relationship the big part is the expectation (s).
Of course being in a relationship is very different from being out of one. Oyr entire self image is tied up in being oart of a couole.
I am presently working on lettimg go of a long friendship (albeit an untermittent one)
Most of what I an grieving is about what it never was. I am also having to acknowledge my fruend(s) alcoholism is progressive
I am someone who tends to out my needs last. These days if oeople are upset w IU th me i am no longet willing to go to any lengths to appease them
Then for me there is also the issue if ounishment. Some people, myself included do ounishing things in a relationship. My qualifier was particilarly adept at that
Being ounished is a very hard issue to work through. While I have definitely been a #ounisher# myself I am no longet in the market for being ounished systematicalky and viciously. My oresent kevel of self regard is no longer willing to tolerate it
My level of tolerance for appalling behavior has bern legendary. I.am right now no longet in the market for being treated in that way.
Maresie
Kokopelli said
Sep 19, 2020
Thank you all so much for sharing your responses. It means so much to hear others going or went through the same experiences. This Alanon family truly is a blessing!
JerryF said
Sep 19, 2020
Kokopelli what came to me after a while in program was that the loneliness was an indication that things had changed. When thoughts, feelings and behaviors and people changed I didn't have that all around me any longer and I came to understand the loneliness I felt because of it. Loneliness wasn't about people only or a mate or the like...it was about change. I got a lot of disturbing stuff out of the way and was able to build new.
I remember deciding that not only did I have to detach from my alcoholic/addict; I also detached from both sides of my families because they had been a part of the trauma for years and I needed to change and adjust the relationships. It was a good thing cause the program grew and my education and experiences (new) grew also. I got sober myself where I use to hold my alcoholic/addict responsible for it.
The feeling is awesome because I no longer carry the insanity along with me. People came to say "you've changed" which came to mean you're different...we like that. They still do so it is still working. I d "
newnoz said
Sep 20, 2020
Grief,
I didn't really get that was what kept happening to me when I was first in program. I would do better but then i'd find myself feeling and thinking the same old things and not knowing why. Any feeling that hangs around long enough in me has grief in it. When I realized I needed to grieve for the dreams I had that wouldn't happen, for the way I thought things were that turned out to be only in my head, my emotions started moving on. If I get stuck I eventually recall grief. My imagination can be a real pain sometimes. I had a couple marriages that were to imaginary men. Probably why the real ones didn't value me more.
So while going through the process of divorcing my AH we are still in the same house. Every day I get my guilt trip lectures from 15 minutes to an hour, then switches to begging and pleading, then repeat. On the days and nights he decides to argue with me that it's my fault and leave to a friend's house, I always text or call to make sure he is safe. Sometimes I get a text back most times he will not even answer the phone when I call. I know I initiated the divorce because I must not cause I want to. But why do I feel even more lonely when he's gone? Yes, I'm not getting guilt tripped or berated, but I feel just so alone. Then I get sad he wont answer my phone call. He is out hanging with friends and dosen't have the time for me. I know I am to be alone after the divorce....I miss him, my bestfriend when he is gone but then upon his return its straight back to the guilt trips.
Why do I feel the loneliest when he ignores me?
Kokopelli - when I read your share, what popped to the front of my mind was grief. I didn't realize that one could grieve another still living until I got to Al-Anon. I honestly hadn't considered the word, the meaning and the process until having similar feelings. For me, as this disease began and progressed in both my sons, I truly had to grieve my hopes, dreams, relationship, etc. as this disease took over. To this day, I grieve who were were before and so much more. I do what I can to fill my days and life with things that make me happy and people who want to be with me and enjoy me - not change me, critique me, judge me, etc.
I am sorry for all that is and for what you're feeling. Letting go of another that you've loved for a while is not easy, no matter the reason/cause/etc. Allow yourself to go through this so you can heal. While it may not feel like it, this too shall pass. Keep coming back - please know you aren't alone.
Kokopelli what came to me after a while in program was that the loneliness was an indication that things had changed. When thoughts, feelings and behaviors and people changed I didn't have that all around me any longer and I came to understand the loneliness I felt because of it. Loneliness wasn't about people only or a mate or the like...it was about change. I got a lot of disturbing stuff out of the way and was able to build new.
I remember deciding that not only did I have to detach from my alcoholic/addict; I also detached from both sides of my families because they had been a part of the trauma for years and I needed to change and adjust the relationships. It was a good thing cause the program grew and my education and experiences (new) grew also. I got sober myself where I use to hold my alcoholic/addict responsible for it.
The feeling is awesome because I no longer carry the insanity along with me. People came to say "you've changed" which came to mean you're different...we like that. They still do so it is still working. I d
"
I didn't really get that was what kept happening to me when I was first in program. I would do better but then i'd find myself feeling and thinking the same old things and not knowing why. Any feeling that hangs around long enough in me has grief in it. When I realized I needed to grieve for the dreams I had that wouldn't happen, for the way I thought things were that turned out to be only in my head, my emotions started moving on. If I get stuck I eventually recall grief. My imagination can be a real pain sometimes. I had a couple marriages that were to imaginary men. Probably why the real ones didn't value me more.
Nora